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A/N I do not own any of the chararacters used from twilight i only enjoy writinging and reading about them.
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What happens when time ceases to have meaning and you begin to realize that it has no effect on you? Sure time still passes; days go by, seasons change, and yet I remain the same as I was when I was first brought into this half-life. What would you do if you were taken from a world that you loved and fit into and dropped into one shallow and devoid of meaning? That's where I find myself now. As a vampire time means nothing; the only reason it exists is to count down to the next culling of newborns. Who could have thought something as benign and common as three young women coming into my life could have rendered something as eternal and unchanging as time itself and meaningless? Maria, Nettie, and Lucy were their names.
Maria, the one who changed me into what I am now, was a small dark haired female, clearly of Mexican descent though pale and porcelain in complexion, and could easily be mistaken as a young girl. Lucy, a vampire with snow white skin, a voice like wind chimes, and fair hair was with her. Nettie too was young enough to be called a girl and had hair more fair then Lucy's, skin just as chalky, and the face of an angel too accompanied her. Soon after my change, Nettie and Lucy turned on Maria and I was forced to destroy them.
Roughly forty years have passed since my former life ended and the torment of this one began.
My duties in this life have become a nightmare; to take these savage beings with nothing but blood lust and turn them into something worthwhile is a feat in itself. The multitudes of newborns I have trained and in turn destroyed have reached an amount that I do not see the point in even counting anymore. Sure, at first I would try to remember them their traits, their strengths and weaknesses but to then have to turn around and destroy something I fought so hard to mold is torture to my soul. Names have no meaning; who or what they were ceased to be when they were brought to me. The only reason they existed was to do the bidding of Maria.
In my former life I seemed to be able to manipulate the circumstances around me to my benefit. People trusted me when I needed them to and feared me when I wanted them to. I was told that I was charismatic, but never truly understood what they meant until now. Shortly after my change I could feel what others felt and found it difficult to handle. As I became accustomed to my new found ability I started to understand the true potential and also the burden that it gave me. I started being able to manipulate others' emotions. If one of the newborns I was training was unusually aggressive I would calm
the rage until it was to be unleashed against our foes. Before battle, I could whip them into a frenzy, bolstering their confidence and squashing any hesitation they might have. At first I found this to be a very helpful ability until it came time to purge the newborns. As I would close in on them, the amount of fear they would exude was crippling. My senses were nearly destroyed as that first culling came to an end and for the first time as a vampire I truly felt worn down. Now after these forty-some-odd years, each time I must purge the newborns the weight on me and emotional damage increased exponentially.
It had been an extremely difficult purge last time. The potential of some shined above the rest and it was a shame to see them have to be destroyed without a second thought from Maria. When the next group of newborns arrived I felt something in one of them that made me curious. I thought that after this many, nothing could interest or surprise me yet I was, none the less. As I inspected them as I always did, I perceived a feeling that caught my attention. It had been so long since I felt this emotion that it took a moment to understand fully what it was: calm. How, in this environment, could something feel calm? Normally what I felt was lust for blood, fear of unknown and sometimes complete insanity, yet from this one I felt nothing but serenity and it intrigued me.
"You," I said as I pointed at the newborn that had caught my interest. "What were you referred to as before coming here?"
"Peter," he answered, not even flinching at being singled out from the group. "And what shall I call you?"
He was asking me my name, now that I was closer to him I began to hone in on his feelings and there were others there that I had not felt from a newborn before; curiosity. Every moment with this newborn further perplexed me.
"Jasper," I said, still in awe over the fact that he asked me what my name was,. "Tell me Peter what is it that you are so curious about?" The curiosity was not just his but it too, was infecting me. I usually kept such tight control over my own feelings not allowing others to affect me, yet Peter was full of surprises and my defenses faltered.
"Honestly Jasper, I'm curious about you , about this new life, everything really."
He was curious about me, about his new life, and everything? What kind of curiosity is that? Yet, just the thought of someone under these conditions could even form a full thought, let alone have genuine Curiosity left me intrigued. Every moment that I spent with Peter I felt different. I thought the damage I had received since coming into this half-life was irreversible, yet for the first time in decades, due to the changes Peter was bringing in me, I began to feel hope.
Time passed more easily with Peter in my presence. His calm would be the escape from the madness that had become my existence. Also, at times, his curiosity would make me think twice about what I might do. Maybe he had an insight into a situation I did not, and therefore some tactics that I had used in the past got changed, molded, and improved just from merely thinking a little more about it. Every day with Peter was both a blessing and a curse at the same time; for I knew that with every passing day, the day on which I would have to destroy him came closer. I decided then what I must do was to persuade Maria that even after his newborn strength had started to wane that he still served
some purpose. With that in mind I set off to speak with Maria.
"Maria," I started, not knowing how my request would be received nor what the outcome of the conversation would be, "there is something that I must speak with you about."
"Yes dearest Jasper," she said in a high ringing voice,"What is it that you need?"
"Maria have I always served you well, done your bidding and fulfilled all your requests to the fullest?" As I said these words I could feel waves of apprehension spill off of her and I thought all was lost, yet I was not ready to give up so I did my best to siphon the calm that I collected from Peter and tried to press some her way.
"Yes dear." At first it seemed that my efforts were in vain yet as she continued I felt a change in her emotions. "You have been very sufficient in your duties. Why do you ask me this question? Surely you know that I am pleased with you." What was once apprehension was now a mild interest.
"I ask because I need for you to grant me one pardon to the rule of purging the newborns." As I said this I braced myself for what might come, yet to my surprise, her reaction was not at all what I had expected.
"Jasper dear, if there is something you need from me please don't hesitate to ask. Feel free to speak to me without fear of reprimand." Her reply was genuine, I could not feel one note of condescension in her.
"There is one of the newborns, goes by the name of Peter, who I think would be a tragedy to lose him. His mind is keen, his control unparalleled, and his insight into strategy has made this our most successful group of newborns yet," I said putting emphasis not on what he had and could do for me, but on the importance he could be to her maybe, she would spare him.
"Peter you say? I have noticed that you have taken a key interest in this young one. Tell me," as she started her next statement, I felt uneasy and feelings of apprehension started to creep back in so I did all I could to try and force them back out, "do you ask me to spare him because he has some kind of usefulness to you, or do you truly recommend him be saved because he is an asset to me?" My mind began to race, could she really tell that I favor him over all the rest? Could she really tell that he is more than just a newborn in training? Could she really tell that I have formed some kind of bond or kinship with him?
"What I do, I do for you Maria. My only reason for existence is to be yours and build your armies, and in order to make your armies better I do believe that Peter will improve the quality of your minions." As I finished I held a calm, smooth exterior, yet inside I was more unsure of myself then I had ever been. I concentrated hard to ensure that my insecurities remained my own and I did not allow them to taint Peter's chances for survival. As soon as she began to speak I felt something in side of me something I had not felt in decades; joy.
"If you believe that our position can be strengthened by the survival of one newborn, who am I to chance it? You may allow Peter to live, but remember, if his usefulness wears thin you must do what needs to be done."
"Of coarse Maria, " I said as I left her quarters returning to my own.
Somehow, against all odds, Maria granted my request and so for now, I would not have to destroy the one being that I have felt companionship with in decades. For the first time since I was changed I was able to take a vampire and actually give him training past just the basics. I could look at his weakness's and try to improve them, I could take his strengths and try to implement them to make his attacks more successful. With Peter at my side we could better demonstrate tactics of battle and train the newborns twice as hard. His prowess in battle was only bested by me and his ability to remain calm even in the heat of battle served as a great advantage, not only to my own sanity, but also to his as well.
Peter had been with me through two purges and with each passing purge his demeanor was failing. I was beginning to doubt that he would be able to continue much longer and the purging of newborns was a requirement for our existence.
"Peter," I said with concern in my voice, "You understand that purging the newborns is a must there is no way around it?"
"I understand Jasper but, I just can't do it, the waste of it all is just to much," he said as his head fell into his hands.
"Peter if you cannot gain control of yourself" I couldn't finish. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that if he couldn't do what was required of him he too would have to be destroyed. Before I could
continue I was interrupted.
"Sir?" Came a voice from behind me from a small pale female vampire."When do we get to hunt again?" The interruption caught me so off guard that I could feel a similar emotion from both the female vampire and Peter at the same time.
"Soon, we will hunt again soon." I answered, still unsure of the emotions I had just encountered. The female retreated back to where she had been before and I again turned my attention to Peter. Peter was still exuding a small amount of the emotion they both had a moment ago, but was quickly trying to compose himself.
"Peter I have grown reliant on your presence and ability to remain calm under any circumstance. You must find a way to control it or I will be forced to do what is required of me." A soon as the words came out of my mouth, for the first time since I met Peter I felt fear emanating from him.
"Jasper I am sorry that I have failed you, but I will do what I can to prove to you that I can do what I must," he replied, voice shaking slightly.
Several months had past after the first encounter with the emotions Peter and the female had and I started to notice that he gave her more attention then the rest. At first I thought that maybe she just needed extra training then, one day, I took a closer look and she was an excellent fighter. At that moment I realized what the feelings were that I felt that day months ago. I had never felt feelings and emotions like those for so long I nearly had forgotten what they were: Adoration, infatuation, and possibly even love. Is that possible? Could something as vile and monstrous as a vampire ever feel love for something other than Blood? For roughly forty years I knew nothing but death, terror and
destruction. Now for the second time in my existence something small and seemingly inconsequential had taken what I thought was my life and flipped it upside down. If they felt love, does that mean I too may one day feel it as well? Surely not someone like me, someone who has fed on so many humans, destroyed so many lives, and raised so many newborns could do the same.
It was now time again for a purging and from the start I could tell it was going to be one of the hardest yet. Not that this group was any different from any other but I was different from the last time I had been required to complete this task. I could also tell from the emotions that were radiating from Peter that there was definitely something wrong.
"Peter," I said pulling him out of his inner thoughts,"Is there something the matter?" I asked slightly fearing the answer he would give me.
"Nothing out of the ordinary this just the hardest part of this life for me. The hunger at times can be maddening but, the senseless slaughtering of those we helped raise is just" He stopped short not finishing his thought but through his emotions, I could tell that all was not well.
I left Peter behind where we disposed of the newborns to collect himself while I collected the first pair for purging. The first two I brought in were nothing special. They were just like the rest of them strong, yetuncivilized and I had done this so many times that it wasn't even a struggle anymore. It was almost the same for Peter, for a several year old he retained his strength well and thus, the newborns were not much stronger then he was and so he was able to dispatch of them easily. The
next several pairs were brought in and disposed of in the same fashion. With every pair the burden of fear and terror compounded on my shoulders but I was used to this. What I was not used to was the pure dread that was streaming off Peter like a river runs down a mountain. I knew this was hard on him yet there was something different.
"Peter?" I began to ask him if he was able to continue but before I could I was interrupted.
"Jasper, how did you do this for so long? How can you spend a year training them and bringing them up to just turn around and destroy them before they have even yet to begin living again?"
"It's all I know, Peter," I said matter-of-factly. "I have been repeating this same cycle since before you were even born."
"But haven't you ever wished, or wanted something more, something else?" Where was this coming from? How am I to wish? What am I to wish for? How do I even know there is something more to life then what I have already experienced?
"Peter, I am a vampire and I do as Maria tells me. That is my life that is all I know and that is all I will ever know. THIS is my existence." I was surprised to see how angry that realization made me. I left him there and returned to main room to retrieve the last two newborns: an average looking male and that's when it dawned on me. This is what Peter has been dreading, this is why he thinks there is something else, something better. This female. As I walked back into the burning room I immediately felt the change in both the female's and Peter's emotions. From one I felt hope that some how this could end well, and from the other I felt pure torment knowing that it would end badly. As I walked
further into the room I passed the female to Peter and started to dispose of the male in front of me. I was so wrapped up in what I was doing and the different emotions around me I failed to notice a change in the mood. I turned to look at Peter and I noticed he was crouched down in a defensive stance in front of the female.
"What do you think you are doing Peter?" At that moment I could read his emotions more clearly then ever before. What was once an unknown emotion I knew now was love. Peter truly loved this female and would even give his life to try and protect her."You know I do not want to harm you Peter, why are you doing this?" Still no response. So he was going to try and fight me to save her? I could feel from her fear. I could always hone in on emotions better in the heat of battle. "Peter, you know that you stand no chance to defeat me."
"I am aware of that but I would rather you destroy me then live an eternity without Charlotte." So that was her name. As he said her name I could feel the flutter of adoration for him fill the room. It was drunken. I couldn't think straight. The emotions they had for each other were overwhelming and for once I did not have the upper hand. Faster than I could even react I was on my back, with his teeth ready at my neck. How could this be I was bested by a three year old vampire? I had more than ten times as much experience fighting than he did and then he spoke.
"Jasper, listen to me. This is not all that this life has to offer. I know you can feel what Charlotte and I feel for each other. Do you not want that for yourself?"
"Peter, what makes you think that after all I have done and lived through I could feel that let alone deserve that?" The truth in my words hurt me to the core, but it was at that moment that I knew I could not destroy Peter or the female. "Peter, how am I to explain to Maria where you have gone? You are part of her coven now that she has allowed you to live past one year."
"Tell her the truth, that I couldn't do what was required of me so, as she had instructed you, you disposed of me when I was no longer useful." I had to admit it was a good idea. How could Peter in three years turn my half-life up side down and make the last several decades mean nothing?
"Peter, take her and leave never come back. Don't look back. Just leave and forget this ever happened." It was harder to say than I had imagined. I was sending away the only companion I had truly had. If only there was some way that I could leave with them. I longed to leave with them. I felt I no longer belonged here.