1 Start of the future
Here I am, standing in front of my boss getting completely humiliated for the fourth time this meeting. Everybody in the room is staring at me, wanting to know my reaction. See if I have the balls for it, if I dare to say something back at him. I wish I could just give in on the true feelings I'm having for him. Show him my anger, my frustration and my hatred.
But I can't.
I won't.
I can't lose this job.
No matter how bad it is, I need it. I can't do anything else but to let it go. Al I can do to temper the beast inside me is to clench my fists. Let him have a go at me and when he's done, pretending that I actually listened and answer correctly. It's the same routine as every day before today and it will be the same when I come back tomorrow.
Is it unfair? Yes, yes it is.
Will it change? Never!
Fuck my life. I need to go to the gym after work. Get the frustration out, punching the shit out of someone. Damn this sucks, lunch hour hasn't even started. Maybe I can go there between work hours. Take my lunch break there.
"Do you understand me?" He looks at me, waiting my reply.
Honestly, I think he is hoping that I will lose it. He is doing this on purpose and he wants me to lose control. He is enjoying this and I know he will never stop. I just look at him and I see it, his hatred for me. Guess what asshole, the feeling is mutual. So, to piss him off more I just nod my head. As soon as I done this I see his eyes growing colder and his face is turning red. Well, you wanted to piss him off, you my man, just did that, didn't you?
"I said; do you understand me!" His voice louder and harsher than before and knowing what he can do and how far he is willing to take this, I know I don't have any other choice. So, swallowing my last bit of pride and clearing my throat I just say it. "Yes sir".
"Well then, why don't you repeat it for the rest of us? You know, so we can be sure that you do." He is looking at me al smug, hiding his amusement. He knows that he got me. The humiliation is complete. Fucker.
"Sir, you told me to finish off the filing of the Bergendahl case. I also have to make sure that there are no typos or other kind of errors in any of the documents so the court can't fall back on it. This has to be done by the end of my workday, no matter the time and if office hours have past already I have to deliver it at your house so you can bring it to the courthouse first thing in the morning. If I am going to deliver it at the house, I have to make sure that nobody sees me. No delay and no excuses. If I fail, which you said is the biggest possibility, you will fire me, Sir." Not hiding the disdain in my voice and trying to restrain all the aggression for him that I feel.
I know I am glaring at him now, but I can't help it. I really want to scream at him. Yell that I'm not stupid. To remain my temper I close my eyes and start to count, back from ten over and over. Yeah right, like that is going to help me. When I open my eyes I see him smirking at me. Oh, how I like to punch that smirk right of his face. Yeah, I am going to the gym and picture his face on every opponent I will get. That will make sure that I win all the matches. I already feel sorry for those losers that will challenge me.
"Very well, you're excused. Go back to work. Knowing you, you will need all the time you can get." Sarcasm is dripping of his voice.
What the hell! Again asshole, I am not stupid. I'm better than you! I am better then all of you in this room! Get of your fucking high horse, damn it. Ok, keep your shit together here, follow the rules, keep your poker face on and don't give him the satisfaction of your state of mind. Don't do it. Keep calm and obey. Damn it, damn it, damn it!
"Yes sir, thank you." Yeah, that hurt.
"You're dismissed." And he just waves me off not giving me a second glance.
And the walk off shame begins. I turn around to walk out of the conference room feeling eight pair of eyes on me. Maybe I should start to dance, moonwalk my way out. No, better yet, flip them all off. That will set them straight. I chuckle to myself. Yeah, as if I will ever do that. Let's face it; this is your life now isn't it. Just suck it up and follow like the minion you are. I reach the door but before I can turn the doorknob he starts to talk again. Got too have the last word.
"Oh, and one last thing, don't fuck it up this time." I turn around one last time to look at him.
"I mean it. I know you don't care about anything but you're lucky I am giving this chance to you. But every time I give you the change to prove yourself, you ruin it. No regards at the consequences what so ever. And that leaves me dealing with the aftermath. So again, don't fuck it up this time." He has one eyebrow raised, challenging me to say something back. Well, sorry but I already last my pride might as well lose my manhood to.
"Yes mister Grey, I won't disappoint you this time." I turn around quickly, open the door and make my retreat. But before I close the door I hear him say; "that will be a first." And I hear the others chuckling. I slam the door shut. Fucking assholes! Every time I think I can't hate him more, it turns out that I can. Why? Why? Why? And I just know that he isn't done with me jet because he never is.
As quickly as I can, I walk back to my office. Office? Office my ass! It's a closet, that's it. No one here has said the words out loud, but I am pretty sure that before I started working here, it was a closet. It's small and the only things that fit are a small desk with a wooden chair behind it. And I swear that it will be catching fire from the moment I don't have to work here anymore. On my list of enemies, this chair is definitely somewhere on the top.
The room doesn't have a window so I have a big beach poster on the wall opposite of the door. Got to keep dreaming, right? I have paperwork piled up on the ground and my desk because there is no room for a closet. Ha, as if a closet needs a closet in it. The only thing I'm grateful for is that it has a door, giving me much needed privacy. With the doors closet I can dream. I can pretend that I don't work for my father. That I don't get treated as shit and that my life is worth something. That someday, I can actually lie on a beach like that. That I can be normal like everybody else seems to be. That I have a beautiful and loyal woman on my side. One that I can call my girlfriend. Or even better, my wife with two beautiful children and probably a dog. That we all are happily living in a big house, having a fast car and more than enough money to spend.
I can't help but snort at my own thoughts. Yeah right, keep on dreaming big boy, but that will never happen. This is my life, and now I have to live in it. I'm the loser of this town, the disowned black sheep of the family and woman aren't loyal. They aren't trustworthy and will fuck you over at the first change they get. Look at my mother and sister. They didn't think twice to drop my ass like a worthless piece of shit. No doubts, no questions, no second thoughts. Christian is the bad guy and doesn't deserve to be a part of the family anymore. He's a screwed asshole and not welcome anymore. Al he brings the family is shame, disappointment and public humiliation. Daddy says so. And whatever daddy says goes. Sometimes I wonder if they miss me. If they are just as sad as I am or if they have just moved on like I never existed. Have they?
I feel tears starting to prickle behind my eyes and I close them, forcing myself to take a deep breath. After all these years it still hurts. After everything that happened so long ago, I still feel like breaking down when I think about it. Tears start to fall and I wipe them away as quickly as I can.
No! Not now. Not here. Not ever! I can't change the past. I can't change their minds. They don't want me. They made that very clear back then and after ten years nothing has changed.
Taking another deep breath I sit down behind my desk. Thank fuck I brought a pillow with me to sit on. Being forced to sit in a wooden chair all day, every day hurts like hell. And as if that wasn't bad enough, everybody in the office knew about it. I still remember their laughs at my expense about it. That prick Thomas up front gathering the whole office for my welcome, making sure that everybody could hear him. "Hey Grey boy, like your new office chair? I think you do! Look at your office swag when you walk, or was that your boyfriend last night? I guess you have a thing for wood."
Thinking that their stupid jokes were funny. Haha, yeah, pick on the Grey boy. He is already at his lowest point; let's see if he can go lower. I have heard all the rumors about me. They want to know why my dad treats me like this, and because they don't have the answer, they just make it up. If I have to make a summary from all their gossiping I would say that I'm an grandmother rapist that goes on killing sprees in it's free time wanting world domination by mugging drag queens. Or something like that. If only they would know the truth. But on second thought, they don't want to know the truth now, do they? It surely isn't that much fun to talk about. Especially if you consider what their line of work is. Nope, gossiping is so much more fun.
After taking another deep breath I start digging in the pile of work before me. Yep, lunch break won't be happening for me. Well then it's a good thing that I came prepared. I grab the home made sandwiches from my bag with and a bottle of water. They can say all you want about running tap water it still is cheaper to refill the bottle instead of buying a new on every day.
I have been looking at these files for a long time and I have found so many mistakes in them that I seriously start to question the intelligence of the people working here. See, I am smarter then everybody here. I just don't get the job to show it, or the benefits, or the respect. I look at the beach poster and my mind start to wonder. Will I ever get the respect that I deserve? Get the job that I want and the benefits that go with it? Or will my life always be like this? Surely that can't be true? Right? I can do so much more than this crappy stuff. I just need a chance to prove myself. Meet the right people and be in the right place at the right time. Things like that happen, right? Never in a million years did I ever pictured myself like this; at the age of 27 being completely drained. I feel like a fifty year old while I'm at an age that I should feel on top of the world. Other people are having, so why shouldn't I have it.
Looking back at the paperwork I feel my anger rising. Yeah, that's it. Anger is better than sadness. It keeps me focused and strength to keep going.
"Yes, I did it!" Completely satisfied I look at all the paperwork I have done. Everything is checked and all the necessary changes are made. Fuck, my back is hurting and I'm feeling dead tired. Looking at the clock I realize that it's far later than I thought. It's almost eight o clock and damn it, that means I have to bring the paperwork to the house. Shit!
I lean back and take a moment to collect my thoughts. It is nothing to worry about Grey, just walk in, leave the paperwork and leave the house. Plain, simple and nothing more than that. You know how it works. No stalling, no talking, no looking. Take a deep breath and just get it over with.
After taking a few more deep breaths I collect the files, gather my bag and grab my jacket. This is going to be hell. I just know it. Leaving the office I see that everybody has left. Half of the lighting is out, and when I think about it, this building is kind of creepy after dark. Without any lingering I pass the elevators and go straight to the staircases. I can forget about going to the gym because I'm sure they are closet by the time I'm home and I really could use the exercise. While leaving the building I say goodnight to the doorman who gratefully opens the door for me. Damn, carrying all this stuff is heavy. Going as fast as I can I walk to my car. Well, if you can call it a car. An old Honda Civic. She's red and I think she should have died a couple of years ago. Thank god she didn't! Right now, the last thing I need is my car breaking down on me and forcing me to buy a new one. That is on expense I can't use.
After putting all my stuff in the trunk I open the driver's door and sit down. Please, just please start for me. Don't let me down this time. I put the key in and the engine comes to life. Yes! Thank fuck! I reverse out the parking lot and start the drive towards Bellevue.
It is always bittersweet driving towards my parent's house. I do have some of my best memories there. Running through the garden during summers, fishing trips with the family and swimming in the pool. I also remember the fights I had with my brother. Even though he was bigger and stronger than me, I would always take the challenge. And those fights always ended the same. One of us battered mostly me, Mia crying, dad going insane and mom playing reverie. I sigh and turn up the radio. We are not going down memory lane.
By the time I reach my parents house it has started to rain. Yeah, that is fitting with my mood. I look up at the house and it is still as beautiful as when I still lived here. Mom has done an amazing job with the garden and it looks very welcoming when you walk towards the front door. Yes, very welcoming, except for me. As soon as I reach the front door Jeffrey, the butler, opens it for me. He looks at me with kind eyes and gives me a small nod. I nod back and walk in. At the door I take off my shoes and walk quietly to my dad's study. Yep, you don't want to leave a trace of you being here, remember that you said you wouldn't fuck this up. Don't ruin that with muddy shoes. You don't want to upset your mother now, do you?
I open the door and let out a sigh of relieve that the study is empty. That would have just been my luck if he was sitting here, waiting for me. I place de files on the corner of his desk. Taking a step back I look around the room. Not much of it has changed over the years. He still has his oversized dark oak desk whit a black leather desk chair behind it. Two smaller chairs are on the other side and white carpet on the ground. The walls are completely covered with bookcases and in the left corner of the room; opposite of the door is still that same brown leather couch. When I was younger I would be impressed with the outlook of it, dreaming to have an office like that when I was all grown up. But now, all I see is the empty façade that this office holds. The lies, deceive and backstabbing coming with it. I look at the two chairs in front of his desk and remember the many times he had me sitting in one of them. I always picked the right one. Back then I didn't think much about it but looking back it had probably something to do with the fact that it was closer to the door. Closer to my escape.
What escape? Did you truly escape? I'm not part of this family anymore but it surely doesn't feel like an escape. Doesn't he still control you? You work for him and at the rate your going, the only way you won't be working for him anymore is when he dies first. And with the luck you're having, that will be a long time from now. I don't know how long I have been staring at these chairs, but I do know it has been too long. I quickly turn around to leave when my eyes fall on the wall next to the door. There are several family pictures but it only takes me a second to realize that I'm not in any one of them. All I see is happy pictures of a perfect family of four. I see a mother, a father, a son and a daughter. But me, the middle child, I'm not in any one of them. Fucking hell! They just erased me! These past years have been hell for me and they just erased me! It's like I didn't existed at all. How could they do that? They just lived happily ever after! Seriously!
Shit! I feel my temper rising and it takes all my strength not to barge in on them and unload a complete shit storm upon them. Every day, I have been thinking about them, missing them. Every day I have dreamed about being part of this family again. Every day I have wished to go back in time and to just be able to spend time with them. To make them happy, hear their laughter and show them a son to be proud of.
Well Grey, you already knew that ship had sailed. They don't love you, do they? Look at the pictures covering the wall; you're not in any of them. They just cut you out completely and left you like everybody else. You're worthless, just like your birth mother. You are not worthy of their love. You never were and never will. Now get your shit together and leave.
I shake my head to clear it from the taughts that start to consume me. I can't breakdown here.
I'm not stupid to think that this was accidently. He did this on purpose. That asshole wanted me to see this. He wanted me to see these pictures and screw me all over. A breakdown here in his office would make him jump for joy, I'm sure of it. As fast as I can, I walk out of his study, down the hallway towards the front door. Jeffrey is still standing there, waiting for me.
I put my shoes back on and look up at him. He opens his mouth, but closes it quickly again. I know he wanted to say something to me. Some words of encouragement. He's a kind man and has been my silent comfort in this house for a long time. Looking at him I just shake my head. He knows what I saw and even though I want to lash out at him just to feel better myself I know I can't do this. It is not his fault and him standing here and me lashing out will make him just another victim and as soon as I leave I would feel even worse than before. No, keeping quiet is better. I turn around and he opens the door for me. Gathering myself for a few more seconds I step out and manage to mutter a small "thank you" towards him.
As soon as I reach my car I open the door and get in the driver's seat as soon as possible. Please, don't give me any trouble and just start. I'm about to give it a try when my phone starts to ring. I take it from my bag and look at the caller ID; Damian. And Damian calling at this hour means he wants something. Most of all, it will mean something dreadful for me.
Even though I'm not in the mood for any kind of conversation I decide to pick it up. There's no point anyway, he will just keep on calling until I answer. Or even worse, wait for me in my apartment. Answering a phone call would be easier than that.
"Damian".
"Dude, where are you? I have been at your place and besides Kitty cat, no one's there."
Yeah, Damian wants something. I hear loud music in the background and there are people laughing. My bet is he wants me at that bar and I am not willing to go. I just want to go home and rest, but I also know Damian. He won't let it go until I showed up and have stayed for at least an hour. I still feel like shit and if I tell him what happened he will not let me off the hook. If anything, he will kick my ass for feeling sorry for myself and lay in to me big time. I just have to pretend to be okay and try to get out of this.
Just to be sure, I clear my throat before answering.
"I was just finishing of some work. " My voice is cracking a little. Seriously, you're becoming a pussy here, man! Keep your shit together!
"What's wrong with you?" And you got his interest, and you know what happens then.
"Nothing!" I say sharply.
"Then why the hell were you still working on a Friday night? Fuck man, it's already past nine and I need you to go celebrating with me. You will not believe what the fuck happened to me."
Trying to get my emotions and voice under control I clear my throat again.
"Damian, I can't come tonight. I'm sorry but I am going home, eat and sleep. Long workday, you know." And I know my voice is betraying me right now. Shit Grey, what happened to cool, calm and collected.
"Christian Trevelyan Grey! I do not give a fuck about you being tired or having a shit day! I have something to celebrate and it is massive, trust me, it is. And you! You are going to get your ass at this bar and you are going to listen to me and you are going to pretend to care and be happy for me! We are going to get hammered and party all night. No excuses, tomorrow you have the entire day to sleep it off."
"Damian, please…."
"No Grey, I won't take no for an answer. You can either come here on your own free will, or I will drag you on your ass here. Take your pick! But you are coming down here."
Shit!
"Fine, I will go home, get a quick shower and meet you there. Happy now?"
"Yes I am, partly, dragging you on your ass would have been nice. Now, go as fast as you can. I will order food for you and wait here while happily fantasizing about that fine body of yours, soaping it…"
And it is time to end the call. That was more information then I want to hear. I shake my head and chuckle. That is Damian, crazy wouldn't be enough to subscribe him. But no matter what words you use for him, he's the best loyal friend out there. He's honest, straight to the point and will support you no matter what. For the last three years he has been my rock and before I met him I wouldn't have believed that someday I would end up with a best friend that plays for the other team and likes to dress up in women clothes in his free time. But that is exactly what happened and I would have been more lost in life without him.
I remember that night we met for the first time.
After a long day at work I decided to make a short stop at a bar before going home. Since two months I was a regular guest at this bar. It was only three blocks from my apartment and the bad music combined with the cheap liquor was a welcoming distraction from the hell I have been calling life. At least three times a week I would find myself at this bar and I didn't even have to place a order with the bartender. All I had to do was sit down and within seconds he would have my scotch ready in front of me. I even had my own barstool here and everybody here knew not to bother me. Just give me my drinks and after a few hours I would pay the tap and leave only to do it again the next day or the day after that. That is, almost everybody knew that.
I don't know how long I was already sitting there but the liquor kept coming and I just kept drinking. I know that I shouldn't have been doing that but the feeling of being numb was worth the hangover that surely would follow the next day. At one point during the night a guy took the seat next to me and silently started to drink with me. I remember telling him to fuck off. That I wasn't there to make friends, didn't had any and didn't want any. He just looked at me, regarding me for a moment and then started to laugh at me. No, laughing doesn't describe it; he was fucking howling at me with tears streaming down his face. Trying to gather himself under control again he stakes a few deep breaths and starts to whip the tears away from his face. Great, even strangers think I'm nothing but a joke.
"Glad I can amuse you." Not hiding the bitterness of this whole scene in front of me.
I took a look at him and saw a guy around my age. He was tall, although I couldn't tell if he was taller than me or just the same. His hair was black and short looking like a military haircut and he had big brown eyes. Noticing that I'm glaring at him he put both his hands in the hair as if telling me defeat. Shrugging his shoulders he took a second look at me before finishing his drink. What the fuck? A cosmopolitan? Is this guy for real, who the hell drinks that? Before I can say something about it he ends the silence first.
"I'm sorry dude, but seriously, me being your friend? Glad you thought about me being your friend even if it was just for a second. And well, you're right; you definitely don't need a friend since you already have a love affair with Jack Daniels over there. Although I thought you were a straight man. Guess I was wrong on that."
I drowned the last of my drink and even though I started to have trouble with my words, I tried to punctuate each on for him, well I tried but that clearly didn't meant it would work.
"Fuck of man, I am not gay and if you could bother someone else, that would be great. Now leave me the fuck alone!"
"Yes, I could do that, but then I wouldn't have the fun of bothering you. And honestly, you're a hood to hang out with, especially drunk.
I would prefer to laugh with you, but since you give me no other choice but to laugh at you, I will just do that. It sure is brightening my night. So, you want another drink? Because I would like one and it would only be right if you acted like a gentlemen and bought this lady a drink."
Pointing at himself and batting his eyelashes I couldn't help but to start laughing. Was this a fucking joke?
"Oh, come on. From the moment I sat down on this barstool you knew I was gay and yes I like pretty clothes and high heels, so what? Get real and by me that fucking drink. A cosmopolitan please, beer and whiskey isn't for the ladies and I like men spending bucks on me. Makes a girl feel special, you know." Waving his left hand dismissively through the air.
Chuckling and shaking my head I signed for the bartender to give us both a refill even though I have no idea what I'm doing here with this idiot sitting right next to me. For a while we just silently enjoyed our drinks until he cleared his throat and started talking.
"Ok, since you are not a talking and I love to talk about myself I will start. All you will have to do is to pretend you're listening and drown in your own sorrow. Think you can do that?"
I just look at him open mouthed, but then decide to go with it and close my mouth and nod.
"You know, I didn't take this seat next to you so I could hit on you. Don't get me wrong, you're a very fine specie of man and if I knew I had a change, I would go for it. But it is clear you're not interested in men and I don't believe in that whole "turning men over" thing." Making air quotes with his fingers.
"The reason I sat down next to you is because of your eyes. I recognized that look of being lost. Mostly because I have had that look myself for a long time. Every time I would look in the mirror I would see it. And just like you I was in denial about it. Instead of dealing with it I would try to run from it and what you are doing right now, drinking until you feel numb, that was also one way for me to cope with it. That worked fine for a couple of hours until the booze started to wear off. So, I took the next step and started to use drugs. Now, that will give you a high, man, it made me happy and carefree.
But again only for a short period of time and it wasn't enough. So instead of seeing things as the way they where I just started to use more. At that time I had a fairly decent job, a nice paycheck, a lease car that made everybody's head turn around and an apartment to die for. But when you're lost it will never be good enough. I mean, even you have to admit it, no matter where you run to or how you're trying to hide it, it's always there. It's within you so none of it will ever work.
Anyway, back to my story. At the beginning I was only high in my free time, first only the weekends, then the evenings followed and before I knew it, I was high everyday of the week including the working hours. That is where it completely went wrong. The company I worked for was in the middle of a huge deal, a sellout. The company was failing and halfway towards foreclosure the current owner had some clarity and wanted to save his ass. He found a company that was very interested in buying and if everything worked out, the current owner could retire with more cash then he deserved and the company itself would be saved from its financial problems by becoming part of a successful worldwide company. And I was part of that negotiation team. You know, trying to make the boss some more money for his retirement plan while saving my own job along the way.
During one particular meeting I was completely high. We were half way through the negotiations and I screwed up badly. No, that's not right, let's start over; I fucked up completely. How? By being disrespectful towards everybody in that room and forgetting my brain to mouth filter. I will save you from the horrible details but let's just say that they weren't impressed with the naked form of my body performing a dance routine from one of those backstreet boy's songs in the middle of that conference room and telling the future owner that I preferred man but for her a exception could be made."
I can't help but to start laughing. He looks from his glass and starts to chuckle a bit.
"Yeah, it was that bad."
"No, actually it was much worse than that. I also went in to a graphic description of the affairs my boss had over the years, including the three women sitting in that room fucking their way to the top and they didn't want this deal to succeed because they couldn't do that with a straight woman as their boss."
At this point I am gawking at him with my mouth hanging open from the shock of his story. He did this? That is bad, like really bad. I mean, we all want to do something like that at some point in our lives and I know I have dreamed about making a scene in the middle of the office en beat the shit out of my father. But to actually do it is something completely different. Damn.
He ignores my fish state of mind and shakes his head as if to clear it from the visual memories from that meeting and continues.
"I'm sure you can understand I got fired straight away. They wasted no time in throwing my ass out of the building. I wasn't even aloud to clear my own desk; they did that and threw my stuff right after me. I just stood in front of the building trying to think clear, but well, being completely wasted didn't help. After a few minutes someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was that women from the meeting, you know, the future boss. She just laughed at me, thanked me for the entertaining show and providing her with much needed information to get a cheaper deal and gave me her business card and told me to give her a call when I got my act together. To say that shocked me would be an understatement. I just gave her a small nod and took the business card from her. She then walked away from me with her driver and security guard and got whisked away in a car and I just stared until they were out of sight. Confused I walked away, I mean, after everything I did in that meeting she gave me her card? Why would she do that?"
He takes another sip of his drink before continuing.
"During the walk to my apartment I got to thinking, and I tell you, it wasn't good. Because the thought I was having was that without a job I could get high all day, nothing to stop me anymore and no boundaries to think about. I had some savings and within a few weeks I had used everything on drugs. I couldn't pay my rent anymore or anything else and the only problem I saw in it was that that meant that I couldn't by drugs anymore. And no, that wasn't my wake up call. I just thought I had to be creative. So, I figured that I always liked sex and thought, well hey, why not make my money with it? Getting paid for sex and able to buy drugs, best of both worlds right?
And I was wrong again, the sex was horrible and because of my physical state, I didn't got paid that much money, you know, being a dollar whore. After a month or so I was at my lowest point."
He looks at me and shakes his head.
"Yes, what I told you so far wasn't even my lowest point in life. That night I'm talking about I was just wandering in an alley, you know, waiting for costumers to show up, when a group of four men walked by. They weren't nice looking guys and even though my instinct told me to make a run for it I stayed. I wanted the money so badly because I was out of drugs so I just offered myself. That night, they raped me repeatedly and almost beat me to death while screaming what a queer I was and a fucking junkie. How no one would care about what they were doing to me. I don't remember everything because lucky for me, I passed out at some point and when I woke up I was in the hospital."
I watch him visibly shudder while recalling that night. I'm wondering if I should say something but I can't think of anything and I honestly think that saying; that sucks won't be enough. So I decide against it and let him continue.
"At first I was disorientated and my mind and body were screaming for drugs. But when I got a little more focused I saw somebody sitting in the corner of the room."
He stops for a moment and signals the bartender. I have been listening intently and without realizing it, our drinks were already finished for a while.
As the bartender gives us both a refill, he tells him to put in on my tap. He then turns towards me and winks.
"Yes, you are still buying this girl her drinks." He twirls his drink around and takes a big sip, emptying it halfway.
"So, as I was saying I wasn't alone in that room. In the corner sat that woman from that business deal, the one that gave me her card. She was reading some magazine, using her phone and acted like I wasn't even in the room. I started to ask her questions like; what happened, why was I in the hospital en stuff like that and she didn't gave one answer. She just put up her hand the shush me and continued with whatever it was she was doing. I started to get really angry and demanded answers, but again she shushed me. That is when I lost it. I tried to get out of the bed to threaten some sense in her, but I was tied down to it. Couldn't move a muscle and all I could do was scream. So that is what I did.
I screamed that I wanted respect from her. Right after I screamed that towards her she looked up at me for the first time and started laughing. She said that she didn't had to show me any kind of respect since it was clear I didn't had any for myself either. And then she just continued to ignore me. Being frustrated by her behavior and the pain from not getting any drugs made me go insane. I kept on screaming and crying without getting any reaction. She just wouldn't react. When I realized that nothing would change with me screaming I started to beg. Saying I would do anything to get some. Drugs or painkillers, I just didn't care anymore about the 'what' as long as it was something to make that feeling of pain go away. She then stood up, walked until she stood next to the bed and caressed my arm really gently. The way she did it made me feel cared for and for a moment she had this sad look on her face. I honestly thought that she was really concerned for me. She than asked me softly if I was in pain. I told her I was and begged her to give me some kind of relieve from it. But no, it only took her a nanosecond to return her demeanor to stone cold again. She told me she was happy that I was in pain. That I should be in unbearable pain and that she hoped I would never forget it so when my ass was finally clean of the drugs I could use it as an extra sensitive to never use again. After that speech she just turned back to her corner and continued ignoring me.
I then thought that it would be a good idea to use the sympathy card. Boy, was I wrong. I told her about my childhood, about my parent's hatred for me for being gay. How they were disgusted with me because I preferred to wear pretty dresses and watch to football players from my spot as a cheerleader instead of being one of the football players."
Chocking on my whiskey I can't help the laugh that escapes me. O my god, a cheerleader. He points his finger accusingly at me which only makes me laugh harder. It's manicured with a French manicure and diamonds on the top. Is this guy for real? And why am I only noticing it now?
"Ohhh shut up, I'm serious here. You don't choose who you are and if we could I would still be the same. I like pretty shiny things, so sue me." And he returns his attention back to his drink and is silent for a moment while he starts to play with his nails.
Fuck, he thinks I made fun of him. Well, didn't I? Why do I even care?
At this moment I feel really bad about it, so I have to say something. Think of something Grey. Ask a question that will make him talk again.
"She sounds like a tough woman?" I ask
"Yes, she is. Although most of it is nothing but a façade. She really is a sweetheart but only towards the people close to her. I've seen her interact with her family. Nothing says CEO when you see her with them. But for people who don't know her or just aren't close enough, she definitely is a tough bitch."
"Bitch?" I cringe at the word bitch. Did he really just call her that? Well, her behavior in the hospital might justify that, but still…
"uhum, sorry man it's nice to know that you can talk normally but I was kind of telling you my story and I like to be in the leading part, so let's go back to you pretending to listen so I can have my 15 minutes of fame here. Press conference will be afterwards." he looks at me with one raised eyebrow silently challenging me to say something back. But after everything I have heard so far I really want to know how it will end so I just shrug my shoulders and go back to my drink letting him know that the floor is his to take.
"Where was I? Let me think…" Tapping his finger on his chin dramatically, pretending that he doesn't know the answer. "Oh yeah, after three days of agony and having that woman in the corner of my hospital room I started to feel better."
"Wait! She stayed by your side for three days?"
"Yes, she did. Well, not the nights but she would walk in during the morning and leave around dinner time. I'm not sure why she did it. I wasn't nice company and she kept ignoring me most of the time."
Is he serious? Who does that? I wouldn't….
"The third day I was told that I was being released. My health was as good as it was going to get for a junkie so they wouldn't hold me anymore. She just stood up from the chair and told me that for the past three days I was given a special treatment. With the help of an IV they already made sure that there wasn't any drug left in my body. She also told me that there was a reservation made at a rehab center and that her driver would take me there if I agreed to go and that it was already paid for. If I completed the rehab program and was given the all clear I should call her for a job. I asked her why I should do it and she just winked and said I should do it to humor her and left.
Weird huh? The fucked up junkie getting redemption from a sex on legs billionaire. I sure felt like pretty woman. Only Richard Gere turned out to be a former Victoria's angel. That was my bad because Richard Gere was so unbelievable sexy in that movie. I wouldn't turn him down. Even as a junkie I would do him for free."
He's staring of in the distance with a content look on his face. He's probably getting lost in his own fantasy of that Gere guy. I chuckle at that thought because I would definitely go for the angel. Hate women all you want, but those girls are hot.
"After some more thinking I did it. I went to rehab, completed the program and got clean completely. When I was released I made that phone call. I was so nervous but when she answered and I explained to her who I was she said; finally, you took long enough. You can come by tomorrow morning at seven thirty and ask for Mark Bellock. Don't be late and wear a suit. And then she ended the call. That was it. I was hired that morning and started as the assistant of the assistant of Mark and I slowly worked my way back to my old job, being part of the higher management in charge of acquisitions and maintaining my portfolio."
He's clapping his hands and cheering for himself as if he just gave his best performance. I have to admit, that is quite the story and for some strange reason I do feel comfortable around him. Just face it Grey, you're a loner and even though he's strange, he's also nice company. Company you need. Do I?
"Well, that was my story in a nutcase. I could give you the longer version but that will have to wait for another time. Lifetime movies aren't built in one day. But to get to the point of my story, everybody needs a friend. Everybody needs a helping hand and you are very lucky tonight because I have a position for best friend open and since you are like a lost little puppy and I happen to love puppies, you can have it." Stating matter-of-factly and looking al pleased with himself.
"What..?"
He cuts me off waving his hand in front of me.
"Not what, just admit it, you are lost and alone and in need of a friend. And even though you're a bit rude, probably a recluse or something like that and non social I am calling you my best friend. Now, you don't have to say anything because I know you are just overwhelmed with gratitude and love for me right now. Don't worry; I won't hold it against you my friend." Giving me a wink.
I just sit there looking at him in utter shock. What just happened? How did we get here? I just don't understand. He really is insane, isn't he? My friend? What is that supposed to mean? I don't do friends…
He grabs his drink from the bar and drinks it all at ones. While setting the glass back he throws several bills next to it and starts talking again.
"Oh my dear, look at the time. It is way past my beauty sleep so I should go. This was fun tonight but we have to leave it at this for now. Don't worry and get sad, we will meet again and I promise I will make an effort to share my spotlight with you. I might let you talk about yourself next time and pretend to care. But for now, nighty night big boy."
And with that he takes a dramatic bow gives a kiss on my cheek before I can react and walks out of the bar in to the night leaving me alone with my whiskey and turmoil of thoughts.
I don't know how long I sat at that bar that night in utter shock. I think they had to throw me out at closing time and I don't even remember coming home and getting to bed.
But he was right. We did meet again and we have been friends ever since. The first few weeks I would just sit on that same barstool and he would sit next to me and started talking while I just listened. I learned a lot from his life, everything from the job he's having, the pageant shows he's part of, his boss that won't let him wear dresses at work because she wants to stay the prettiest one in the office, him growing up with his awful parents. I really started to like his company and no matter the day I had he would just make me laugh.
I also remember the first time I saw him all dressed up as his alter ego, Danique. Damn, that was a shocker. I knew that he was a cross dresser and I don't think I will ever understand why he does that but knowing it and actually seeing it are two completely different things. That night I promised to go to one of his pageant shows as his birthday present and he came to pick me up with a wig on his head, more make up on his face then anyone could buy and wearing some sort of glitter dress that would outdo a rainbow. When he saw the look of shock on my face he just shrugged and stated; "go big or go home" and asked me if he wasn't a 'pretty girl' dressed like that twirling around in front of me.
And then more awkwardness came along the way when he started talking about his tits. I'm not sure how you call it but they were fake bags looking like chicken filet and he tried to force me to feel how close to real it was. I just threw my hands up and stepped back taking my distance and tried every excuses I could think of not to touch them but he kept insisting. When he realized I wasn't going to do it he just took one out of his bra and threw it in my face. Stating that I needed to grow up and that he had an extra pair in his bag and I was more than welcome to borrow them. His words; "they feel like real tits and you don't have an awful bomb of hormones attached to it. A win-win situation for everyone."
And fuck me, he was really serious about it. I have had many nights of coming home and finding one or two of them under my pillow with notes attached about having wet dreams. At first I would go bad shit crazy about it but these days I just laugh and throw them aside. Damian says that it means I'm finally growing up. Ha, if ever!
But no matter what, he's an amazing friend and he was right, he shouldn't change a single thing about himself and he's the reason that I will drag my ass home, take a quick shower and will show up at that bar.
I put my phone back in my bag and turn to start the car. When the engine comes to live I can't help but to cheer for myself that I can finally leave ground zero and head home. When I start the drive I take one last look at the house through the review mirror. And then I see her, my mother, standing behind the hallway window watching my car. She looks upset but after the scene in my father's office I just can't find any pity for her. She choose this. She didn't wanted me anymore and cut ties with me completely. Isn't a mother supposed to love her child unconditionally? Sure, I was a difficult child but I never lied to them. But no, not once did she questioned me, not ones did she choose my side and not ones did she tried to contact me through the years.
Feeling my emotions spiraling out of control I decide to get the hell out of here. I don't want to see any more than I already have and I drive away quickly.
After a long drive home, a quick shower, feeding Kitty Cat and promising her that I will stay home tomorrow I finally make it at the bar. I'm hungry, tired and all I want is to end this day. If it wasn't for Damian I would be lying on my couch right now probably eating left over's until I would fall asleep. Yes, I'm a recluse, so what?
Damian is sitting on one of the barstools and as soon as he sees me he is waving his arms with his watch towards my face.
"Jesus Grey, I said quickly, what the hell took you so long?" while impatiently tapping his left foot on the floor. I just smirk at him.
"Damian, saying Jesus and hell in one sentence, I'm impressed. Are you sure you are not the devil because I can picture you with two horns on your head right now. After all, you already have the name and you are wearing a red polo shirt to go top it off."
"Thanks Grey, are you sure you're not turning gay, because you are noticing my clothes right now while you never cared before." Raising his left eyebrow and flapping his hands with it to make his point.
"Whatever, I'm hungry. Did you get any food?"
"Yes I did lover boy, now sit your ass down so I can start talking and you can start cheering."
"Fine, you have my attention."
"Finally! Took you long enough." He makes an over exaggerated sighed and sits down in front of me, crossing his legs and folding his arms.
I look at the food in front of me and my mouth starts to water. He has ordered me steak with baked potatoes and vegetables and being hungry that I am, I just dig right in.
"So, why did I have to wait so long?" he asks me
"Damian, please, I had a shit day and all I want is to sleep it off so start talking. Like you said, the sooner you tell me your big news, the sooner I can pretend to care and the sooner I can go home." I give him my panty dropping smile and watch him squirm in his seat. Yes, I know it works every time I do this. He forgets what he was angry for and get's back on track with the subject at hand; him.
"Whatever Grey. I know what you're doing here and it won't work." Waving his hand dismissively.
Putting the stakes higher I give him a shy smile. "I don't know what you are talking about Damian."
He's glaring at me and I just wait. 3…2…1…. And here it goes….
"Ok, enough about you, let's start moving to more interesting topics. Let me think…. Oh yeah, let's talk about me." Changing his posture by sitting up straight and everything else long forgotten. See, it works every time. I just continue eating while he talks.
"Well, I told you about my dream job right? That I want to be in charge of a fashion magazine, you know, the new Anna Wintour?"
I just nod my head. He has told me about this numerous times. He really likes his current job but if he could have the choice, he would love to be in complete charge of something in fashion. Vogue would be his biggest dream, but he also knows that some ships has sailed a long time ago. That, and the fact that he's a man could have something to do with it.
One of the reasons he's staying at his current job is because of the company's portfolio; restaurant, hotels, media and publishing. They own a large percentage of the publishing companies through Europe and the United States. This also includes a lot of fashion magazines and Damian has the American part of those fashion magazines in his portfolio. This means that he can have previews, some sort of control and inside scoops.
"Yes I think I told you that somewhere down the line. And now, a opportunity has come up, they need someone in Europe to oversee the publishing branch since the profits are taking a nosedive due to incompetent management and a lack of developing with the new communicating era. You know, with internet, eBooks, blogs and all becoming higher players on the market. The biggest concern right now are mostly the fashion magazines and their dropping sales and my boss thinks it has to do with being outdated and to slow with reaching the target market. So after long talks and cornering her she decided that I would be the best fit to fly down there and do the job. Tadaa! Now you can start the cheering!" Throwing his hand in the air looking al proud.
"Does someone have confetti to go with it?" looking around him through the almost empty bar.
"Very funny, you should be a comedian." I start to laugh but Damian isn't laughing with me. He starts to look pissed.
"No Grey, I'm serious. I'm flying out in a few days."
I stop eating and just look at him. What is he saying? He's serious?
"So Grey, you are looking at your best friend having his dreams come true. Yes, I am going to Europe, France specifically and start working on my dream job. What do you say?"
He's clapping his hand and cheering along the way but I just can't join in. I must have looked at him dumbfounded for too long because I see his expression change. He stops his cheering and get's a worried look on his face.
"Say something Christian." uncertainty evident in his voice.
"You're leaving?" my voice cracking. I can't hide it. No, he can't leave. He just can't.
"If you look at it that way, then I guess so." Shrugging his shoulders and dropping his head.
"Are you not happy for me?"
"I don't know." I can't talk. I'm going to lose my best friend and I feel like shit. This can't be happening. I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't help it. I'm losing my best friend. I'm losing my only friend. I drop my head in my hands and try to get my labored breathing under control. Fuck, he's really leaving.
I feel movement beside me and when I feel Damian's hand on my shoulder I start to cry. He's living his dream, getting the job he always wanted and here we are. Me raining on his parade, destroying his happy moment with my selfishness. While my best friend is trying to console me, forgetting his own happiness completely.
"I'm sorry Damian, is should be happy for you and I am. Really. It's just… It's just not what I expected, I guess. I don't know. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay Christian." while he's still rubbing my shoulders, careful not to touch my back.
"I understand. And I will miss you so much but I only be one phone call away you know. No matter what happens you can always reach me. And I can have you fly over for holidays and fly back myself during my holidays. And we also have Skype en test messages."
I know he's just trying to make me feel better but it doesn't work.
"You know, at some point in my life I thought that if I just vanished one day no one would miss me. It is nice to know that me flying over that pond affects someone how cruel that may sound."
"I know Damian. I know. I felt that same way for a long time too. And you were right that first night we met"
"What do you mean?" He looks puzzled at me.
"Your boss is a bitch." We both laugh at that but as soon as the laughing started we both get quiet again. For a while we just sit there next to each other not saying anything. Damian is the first to break the silence.
"I had some other news that I wanted to share with you."
"If it's just as good as the first one, don't tell me." I growl at him. I can't handle more of that, although I can't think of anything worse than him going to France.
"Me leaving my position here makes room for someone new." He states matter of factly.
Now it's my turn to look puzzled. He shakes his head at me.
Mumbling; "I could use a sledge hammer to break through that that thick skull of yours."
"Let me explain. The current position I'm having needs someone else to fill it. I talked to Mark, my direct supervisor, you know, my boss right hand, and got you an interview with him. I told him he would be stupid not to hire you."
"What? You can't do that. You know I can't go there. I can't leave the job I have." panic in my voice.
"Why not? You let that old man have way too much power over you. You don't need that job, you need something that can make you grow. You need something that can open doors for you so you can follow your own dreams. You don't own him anything Grey."
I shake my head. This can't be serious. I close my eyes and lean my head back. Is he right?
"Listen, just go to that interview and talk with Mark. I planned it Monday morning, seven o' clock for you so your excuses of a father won't know. This job would be good for you and you will be so much better off. Just do it. Why wouldn't you? What is stopping you?"
"You know what is stopping me. I can't quite and leave my current job. I have to pay back the money and…"
Damian gives a big snort to interrupt me.
"Yeah right and how will you pay it back? With the minimum wages you get paid by daddy dear? No, you won't! He has no intention of helping you out or for you to pay him everything back and be done with it. He is using it as a way to control you and you know it. If you get this job, which you will, you can pay him back in no time. Plus, you will have all the benefits like healthcare, pension, a car, money for the expensive you make, I mean everything. And at the end of the month you will still have money for savings. You can leave that dump apartment of yours and give Kitty Cat a decent couch to put her ass on. Besides, you have no choice, because I won't be around anymore to stock up your fridge."
My mind is piling up with questions. Should I do this? Should I
"But what if Carrick refuses to let me go?"
"He won't. And if he does, there will be a whole legal team from your new boss backing you up and kicking Carrick's ass. Just trust me on this. Just go to that interview and get the job."
I look puzzled at him, he makes it sound so easy, but my mind is reeling and I know it is anything but.
"So Grey, just humor me." He gives me a wink and then stands up to get us another drink. I take a deep breath and start to wonder. Should I do it? I look at Damian standing at the bar. He is doing it. He is living out his dreams, why shouldn't I? Could I?