I Exist Only for Another
Van Donovan
trowa@trowa.com
28 April 2000
------------------------
From the sky, tinted red with blood, fell an angel with black wings.
I danced alone until the world faded to eternal darkness around me. I fell in to
eternity, dancing through time. His blade of justice sliced through the blackness of my
prison, releasing me and I awoke alone as the night scattered away. From the sky, tinted
red with blood, fell an angel with black wings, and I caught him. We danced one last dance
together until my feet bled and I collapsed into him in exhaustion. Then, the black
winged angel spread his wings and soared into the dawn, holding me in his arms.
Giving up that eternal existence for freedom and sin;
I am that black winged angel and he is me.
I exist only for another.
---------------------------------
Haunted emerald eyes peered over carbon black sunglasses, watching but not seeing.
A cigarette rested between two long fingers, a sultry trail of smoke dancing from its
glowing end. It burned brighter as Youji took a deep pull off it and then filled the air
with the expulsion from between his lips. The world murmured around him, figures fading in
and out of his consciousness. He was only vague awake, trying so hard to remember what he'd
been dreaming of before being pulled from bed. He half protested as someone pulled the
cigarette out from between his fingers and grounded it into an ashtray.
"Youji-kun! How man times do I have to tell you not to smoke around the flowers?!"
That one was Omi.
"Go outside if you want to destroy your lungs."
And that was Aya.
"Mou, Youji-kun, what's wrong?" the youngest member of Weiß asked, bending to look
at him. Youji turned his head away, teetering as he got to his feet.
"I had that dream again." he muttered. Had it. Had been so close to understanding
what it meant. Remembered so much more this time that the other nights. So close to
remembering! Remembering what?
"The one you won't tell me about, right?" Omi protested, looking up at the older
man. Youji shook his head, brunette locks bobbing and pushed past him. If only he could
remember -who-. More! What kind of weird dream was that? He shook Omi's hand off his arm
as the other touched him. Giving up an eternal existence for freedom and sin. Who am I?
He rubbed his head and pulled his apron off.
"I need to get out of here." he muttered. Aya cast him a hard violet glare. Omi's
eyes looked worried as he pushed past them both, back into their apartment complex.
"A black winged angel . . ." he muttered, pulling out another cigarette. " . . .
who only exists for another." he lit it with a small butane lighter which he kept in his
back pocket and took a long pull. He'd always awoke when the angel flew into the dawn with
him, presumably dead, in his arms. Now the words "Giving up that eternal existence for
freedom and sin; I am that black winged angel and he is me. I exist only for another."
rang over and over through his head. Why had he remembered -now-? He growled to himself
as he jammed his lighter into his pocket. "I exist only for who!?"
"Talking to yourself again, Youji?"
Ken.
He locked his jaw as he looked at Ken, who was coming down the stairs looking fresh
from a shower, smiling brightly. The other said something, but his heart was pounding too
loudly in his ears for him to hear what it was. The soccer players' face darkened into a
frown seeing Youji's stunned expression.
"Youji, what's wrong?" Ken asked, waving a hand in front of the older mans face.
Youji's eyes widened more and he grabbed Ken's hand with his free one. The other boy
appeared startled and looked from his held wrist to Youji's face. "Youji?"
He shook his head and looked away. It couldn't be Ken. It couldn't! But, his
pounding heart was aching in his chest, and he had to know. "Ken?" the other was looking
at him with an odd expression. "Do you believe in angels?"
The question made Ken blink and he just stood there staring at Youji for a long
time. The thought alone triggered the same sort of feelings it always did. Encompassing
warmth, love, gentleness. A time without fear or tears. Those were just stories his
parents used to tell him though, right? Half remembered fairy tales. "I like to think
they exist. But, I have very little faith in God. Do you?" he finally answered, looking
at the older man for an explanation to the question.
Youji shrugged, stiffly forcing himself to walk past Ken, up the stairs. "I don't
know. It doesn't matter."
But of course it did. It was all the difference in the world. In the universe.
He continued up the stairs to his room and collapsed on his bed, jamming his cigarette in
the ash tray. Now only Ken's face was appearing when he closed his eyes. Ken's smiling
face, touching his cheek with a tenderness he'd never shown him before. "I exist only for
another's sake." he muttered into the pillow, then rolled over onto his back, staring up at
his ceiling fan. "Ken's sake?" he quietly said, his voice catching as he said it aloud.
He knew it was the truth too, as soon as he said it.
Ken wouldn't understand though. He didn't even understand.
The soccer player just stood in the hall after Youji had left, and glanced over his
shoulder. "Believe in angels?" he softly repeated as he moved into the kitchen. He
couldn't say he didn't. Some part of him kept too strong of beliefs to make such a
statement, but in all honesty, he couldn't fathom the idea of such a perfect being. He
froze as a tear trickled down his cheek upon opening the refrigerator. "A tear?" he
questioned, wiping it off with the back of his hand, staring at the wet splotch. Why would
he cry? He let his hand rest on the handle of the door while he let himself breath deeply
and push back the feelings that were surfacing. It was like something he'd surpressed was
trying to resurface. Something touched upon by the idea of angels? "That's silly." he
muttered. He'd thought of angels plenty before, even contemplating their existence, and
he'd never experienced that sort of feeling before.
But, then, it'd never come from Youji before, either.
He let the door close and turned around, his heart beating faster. All around, he
could hear the crackling fire from the burning wherehouse, and Kase's cries as they dragged
him from the building. The suffocating heat, the unbelievable pain from his injuries and
the hurt from ruining J-league. He had wanted to die that night. He had died. He had
closed his eyes and let himself go, so that the pain would be less. Yet, he'd awaken in a
cool field away from the charred building, with no recollection of how he'd escaped alive.
He'd always held the belief that his guardian angel had saved him one last time that day,
and then abandoned him. "Abandoned? Why did you think that?" he questioned, aloud.
He looked at his hand, having seen it so many times with bugnuks and covered in
blood. He'd lost his innocence that day. Why would a guardian angel protect an assassin?
"I don't believe in angels anymore, because they stopped believing in me." he whispered.
Suddenly, he needed to see Youji again.
The trek up the stairs to his room felt like eternity, and he stood before the older
mans room for a long time with a hand poised to knock. He controlled his breath. The
comment had probably just been something trivial that he was now making too much out of, but
his pounding heart was aching in his chest, and he had to know.
There was a loud rapping at the door.
Youji opened it, looking down at the timid-faced brunette standing there. He
swallowed tightly and smiled. "Forget something?" he questioned. Ken shook his head,
looking a little to the side, as if embarrassed.
"I used to believe I had a Guardian Angel." he softly said, not looking at Youji,
and thus unable to see his expression. "But the night Kase betrayed me and left me to die
in the wherehouse fire my angel abandoned me too." he smiled bitterly. "So I don't believe
in them anymore." there was a pause and then he added. "I'm not . . . I don't know why I
wanted to tell you that."
Youji felt numb all over and reached out, putting a gentle hand on Ken's shoulder.
The other looked up at the hand there. Youji's voice was soft and pained when he spoke.
"He never abandoned you, Ken." he swallowed thickly. "He just forgot, for awhile."
Ken stiffened and looked up at him, his faced shocked.
Their eyes locked, and Youji began to speak again.
"From a sky red with blood, an angel with red wings fell." Ken's face relaxed a
little, but remained wide-eyed, as if Youji had touched a nerve. Youji continued. "I,
dancing alone in the world, caught him as he fell, and we danced into eternity." He dropped
his hand from Ken's shoulder. "But love doesn't belong to an angel, and justice tore
eternity to shreds, leaving me alone. From the sky, he fell again, and we danced endlessly
together until I died in his arms. He took my life, flying into the dawn, giving up his
existence for mine, to embrace both freedom and sin for love." he took a deep breath and
softly added. "He is me. I am him.
"But angels cannot love singularly, nor can they give up their eternity. The price
for such actions is to forget everything they fought to have upon achieving their desire to
become mortal. Not even the strongest can fully remember." his voice caught in his throat
and he saw Ken's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. He understood. He -knew-.
Ken's heart was slamming so hard into his chest he thought it would burst.
Trickling memories had flared to life at Youji's tale. Memories not painted by his words,
but remembered by them. The wherehouse fire drowning out in the background around him, but
strong arms had carried him from the flames. A gentle voice had soothed him, and set him
down. The events of the days (days?) immediately following that moment flooded his
consciousness right down to the last moment he held before forgetting it all. He shook his
head and took a deep breath.
When the he spoke, he bent his head, eyes closing, tears trickling down his nose.
"It was almost dark when I awoke, and the stars were coming out. I was fragile as a
flower, sitting there, alone with an expressionless face, not knowing why I was so empty. I
softly spoke to you: 'I'm not lonely.', but you weren't there. You never would be again."
his throat tightened as he continued his half of the story, his partially distorted memory
completing Youji's so perfectly. "The sky turned from blue to black while I sat there,
having almost already forgotten you and the light you brought. I was unable to see the
truth of what you were in this enormous universe. I couldn't believe it even though I'd
seen it with my own eyes. I fell to my knees when you told me you had to leave forever,
knowing it was the truth, and knowing it could not be remembered. I'd said: 'We can never
meet again, so now I'll tell you Goodbye.'
"I must have misunderstood," his voice wavered. "but I still believe in love and
gentleness. I'm . . . I'm not looking for truth anymore. I just wanted to remember."
"Ken." he breathed, pulling the other to him, tightly. He had remembered too. He
had remembered what they'd been damned to forget.
"My Angel." he whimpered and threw his arms around Youji's neck, burying his face
in the crook there, hot tears falling on his skin. They held one another for a long time.
"Why now?" Ken breathed into his neck after a tense moment. "Why did we remember now?"
he asked. Youji didn't know. He could never answer that. Why indeed. They'd known one
another for two or more years. He'd never even thought of Ken, or any of them, at all
remotely related to the dream. He'd never known the dream had been a memory of his fall
from grace. He shuddered into Ken's strong arms. He was an angel.
An angel.
Memories of a previous existence trickled into his thoughts. Fragments of feelings,
and pieces of places, all becoming more vivid as he thought. The trickle became a flood and
soon he was overwhelmed as the entire sequence of events poured into his conscious. He
remembered a forgotten place of exquisite beauty, but also of eternal damnation. Some
would term it "Heaven", but it was no such place. For an angel was a slave unto his or her
Lord, and when he had first saved Ken and stayed with him, the two had fallen in to a
forbidden love. His Lord hadn't been pleased at all. To anger a God was to provoke the
worst wrath of all. Even an angel could only endure so much. Even an angel could be wiped
from existence with a thought.
He and Ken both wanted out of the building. There was too much to be done and said
between them and neither wanted to remain in this place. They slipped out the backdoor,
neither touching the other, hands by their sides, timid. They walked down a dark alley,
both reminiscing in their own minds, letting their memories play silently while they sorted
them out. The skyway came into view and they crossed into a park, sitting on a bench
together, their backs to the world. Youji sighed as he sat and put his arm around Ken's
shoulders. The other naturally leaned into him, like they were re-enacting some event
they'd done once before, in a previous time. Neither was conscious of their genders playing
a role in the relationship they both had longed for. Youji wasn't a man. He was an angel.
"So often I had that dream, me dancing with the angel, dying in his arms and flying into the
dawn with him." he softly spoke, looking out at the cherry blossoms swaying in the distance.
"I never knew it was a memory until today. I never knew there was something I was looking
for, until today." he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Not until I saw you did the
words 'Giving up that eternal existence for freedom and sin; I am that black winged angel
and he is me. I exist only for another.' make any sense. I exist . . . only for you." he
swallowed tightly and felt Ken's hand fall on his chest as he turned into him.
He opened his eyes, looking down in the bright ones that belonged to Ken. The other
smiled his kindest smile and said: "You gave everything up for me. Defied your realm of
reality to come back for me." he shook his head, amazed, all the memories of being with him,
loosing him to his Lord's wrath and being left alone and empty with the twilight having come
back. Youji wasn't the same person he'd known -- the other had been so exquisitely
different, but he -was- the same. The tone, the look in his eyes, the way he spoke. And,
his angel had said he would come back in the body of a mortal. Ken had promised he'd love
him unconditionally, no matter. But they'd been promises made with tears, and he could
hardly remember them. "I don't know what to say."
Youji tightened his arm around Ken, turning on the bench, pulling the other to him
and softly whispered into his ear words he hadn't heard in over two years. The voice was
the same, so much the same. "Tell me you love me and you'll never leave my side, for as
long as we live." and he felt Ken fall into his arms, clutching tightly to him, his chest
pressing to his own, the other breathing heavy.
"I do. I promise." and that was all Youji needed to be convinced. He gently
stroked the others hair and shifted to hold him better. Ken sobbed into his shirt, but the
tears were tears of joy. The last time he'd made that promise, it'd had to be broken.
This time, he swore, it'd remain solid. Nothing would tears them apart this time.
He held Ken, unimaginably happy with their reunion, but also perplexed in its
actuality. Despite both having memories rushed back at them and living in the instant
moment, they were still Ken and Youji. He was Youji now, as much as he was the angel he
had once been. Neither was thinking rationally about who exactly they were embracing.
Somehow, he felt neither one would end up caring, either.
He let his memories of his angelic life replay in his mind as he sat there, holding
Ken happily, content with stroking his short hair and gently rubbing his back. He was born
an angel unto the realm of God, he'd ventured, unseen, to earth many times. As most lowly
angels like he did, he was to guide those dying either to God's realm with their death, or
to help them recover enough from the brink of death so they wouldn't die, and then leave.
Once, he'd taken charge of Ken when he had been nearest death. The memories were becoming
so much clearer now. Ken, left alone in a wherehouse fire, beaten and betrayed, was dying.
It had not been his time to die. He, a nameless angel, had appeared among the flames and
helped the injured one outside, collapsing with him from exertion. Collapsing with Ken in
his arms.
It was then that Ken had looked up at him in a moment of clarity and seen him. SEEN
him, something no human could do. Ken'd touched his face with a bloody hand, leaving
streaks and pulled back, eyes wide, looking at the splendid wings arching from his back.
'Are you an angel?' he'd asked, and when Youji had nodded, shocked to the core at being
seen, the two realized they had formed a bond. He'd carried Ken to where he said he lived,
masking them both from the eyes of the world. In just days they had fallen hopelessly in
love. Born from beauty and love, strengthened by their understanding and cemented by their
compassion, it had been the strongest kind of love. The short time they had had together
didn't weaken them any. It only made them more dedicated. It had been so easy for him.
It had been pure, sweet and wonderful.
But, for an angel, it was one of the ultimate sins.
There was no retribution. Had he been anything higher than an angel he would have
been erased. Turning his wings black had been fit enough. An angels' wings were their most
prized possession. He'd only ever seen one other black winged angel before himself, and
that had been at a glance, years ago. They were social outcasts.
So when he fell from the sky that last night to embrace Ken, tell him the final
goodbye, and to wipe his memory clear, he made a promise that he'd come back and find him.
That he'd break all the vows and cast aside his Lord, and his wings and come back for him.
He'd left Ken in the late dawn and flown off, never hearing the boy's final "goodbye."
The same night he'd been called upon to guide a fatally injured man to safety. He
would instead commit another angel's ultimate sin. This man's lover had just been gunned
down and he'd gotten fatally shot himself trying to rescue her. His name was Kudou Youji.
So he, as a fallen angel, did what no angel was allowed to do. He fell from the
dawning sky by the man's dying side and held him, spiraling them both into a mental dance
of death. Youji would become him. He would become Youji. And as he lifted into the sky
for the last time, the dead man in his arms, he was aware of their already spanning dual
consciousness: one living, one dead. Youji knew everything he did, and he knew everything
Youji did.
In the earliest part of the morning, he flew into the sky, giving himself entirely
over to the man he carried, spilling his life into him so they could live as one. When the
suns' rays finally burst over the clouds and hit them, they both vanished in the light.
God's final act: to merge them, and to make them both forget.
He emerged alone, flying with black wings in Youji's virtually healed body,
consciousness rapidly evaporating. His decent to earth had been haphazard, he'd already
forgotten how to fly, and he landed right back in the alley Asuka had been gunned down in.
The rest of his memories as the nameless angel and of Ken had been swallowed up and sealed
as he lost consciousness. When he awoke, it was as if they had never happened.
"What now?"
Ken's soft voice stirred him out of his reverie and he blinked, looking down at the
man he held protectively in his arms. "What do you mean?" he softly inquired, having a
million ideas popping into his mind. The wind blew, tousling their hair and he felt Ken
nestle into him more.
"We're together again." he softly said, resting his head on Youji's chest. Then,
he sighed, closing his eyes. "But it's not the same." Youji stiffened a little. He'd
known that was true from the beginning, but hearing it a loud still upset him. "You're
Youji, now." he raised his head, and looked at him with luminous eyes. "How did that
happen, anyway?" he added. Youji smiled at him wanly.
"The night I left you," he explained, trying to keep the terminology simple. "I
had a job to rescue someone else from death. Kudou Youji." he watched Ken's expression and
continued. "I swore I'd give it all up for you. I'd become mortal, and then God could
have no jurisdiction over me until I died again. I let Youji die, like I said, and I gave
my life over to him. We became one." he titled his head, hoping Ken understood. It looked
like he did. Ken sat up some, timidly raising a hand and touching his bangs. He dropped it,
caressed Youji's face and then dropped his hand on his chest. In a sleepy sounding voice he
pleasantly drawled. "Kudou Youji, hater of men, seducer of women. Angel, I think you
should've picked someone else to merge with." Youji chuckled at that.
"Fortunately, we both want you now, since we're the same person. Consider yourself
lucky: you get an angel with experience now." he chuckled.
"And an eye for women." Ken lifted his hand and poked him in the chest. "I'll kill
you myself if I ever catch you with another woman again." he paused, eyes narrowing. "Or
man." Youji just laughed and leaned down pressing their noses together.
"Don't you get it? I gave up eternity for you. You're the one I love."
Ken smiled, closing his eyes, inhaling deeply. "Mmm, I think it's going to take a
while to get used to you in this body." he murmured, and then pulled back from him a little.
"Should I call you Angel or Youji now?" he inquired, still sleepy sounding. Youji smiled
more and shook his head.
"Whatever you want to call me, you can call me." as an angel, he'd been given no
name. No angels had names. They were just servants. Only the higher ranking angels and
creatures of God's realm had names. Ken had taken to calling him Angel, and it'd become a
sort of name for him. He'd loved it.
"I think a little bit of both works nice." Ken said, grinning, opening his eyes.
"Mmm, it does." he muttered, pressing his forehead to Ken's. He tightened his grip
around Ken's back, pulling him back in again. "I love you so much, Ken." he softly said.
Ken titled his head, eyes closing. "I love you more, Angel."
Youji closed his eyes and dipped in, gently kissing him then. Ken hesitated just a
fraction of a second before pulling his arms up around Youji's neck and returning the kiss.
Two men brought together, torn apart and reunited by fate. One once existed only
for another. Now, they exist only for each other.
Owari.
Van Donovan
trowa@trowa.com
28 April 2000
------------------------
From the sky, tinted red with blood, fell an angel with black wings.
I danced alone until the world faded to eternal darkness around me. I fell in to
eternity, dancing through time. His blade of justice sliced through the blackness of my
prison, releasing me and I awoke alone as the night scattered away. From the sky, tinted
red with blood, fell an angel with black wings, and I caught him. We danced one last dance
together until my feet bled and I collapsed into him in exhaustion. Then, the black
winged angel spread his wings and soared into the dawn, holding me in his arms.
Giving up that eternal existence for freedom and sin;
I am that black winged angel and he is me.
I exist only for another.
---------------------------------
Haunted emerald eyes peered over carbon black sunglasses, watching but not seeing.
A cigarette rested between two long fingers, a sultry trail of smoke dancing from its
glowing end. It burned brighter as Youji took a deep pull off it and then filled the air
with the expulsion from between his lips. The world murmured around him, figures fading in
and out of his consciousness. He was only vague awake, trying so hard to remember what he'd
been dreaming of before being pulled from bed. He half protested as someone pulled the
cigarette out from between his fingers and grounded it into an ashtray.
"Youji-kun! How man times do I have to tell you not to smoke around the flowers?!"
That one was Omi.
"Go outside if you want to destroy your lungs."
And that was Aya.
"Mou, Youji-kun, what's wrong?" the youngest member of Weiß asked, bending to look
at him. Youji turned his head away, teetering as he got to his feet.
"I had that dream again." he muttered. Had it. Had been so close to understanding
what it meant. Remembered so much more this time that the other nights. So close to
remembering! Remembering what?
"The one you won't tell me about, right?" Omi protested, looking up at the older
man. Youji shook his head, brunette locks bobbing and pushed past him. If only he could
remember -who-. More! What kind of weird dream was that? He shook Omi's hand off his arm
as the other touched him. Giving up an eternal existence for freedom and sin. Who am I?
He rubbed his head and pulled his apron off.
"I need to get out of here." he muttered. Aya cast him a hard violet glare. Omi's
eyes looked worried as he pushed past them both, back into their apartment complex.
"A black winged angel . . ." he muttered, pulling out another cigarette. " . . .
who only exists for another." he lit it with a small butane lighter which he kept in his
back pocket and took a long pull. He'd always awoke when the angel flew into the dawn with
him, presumably dead, in his arms. Now the words "Giving up that eternal existence for
freedom and sin; I am that black winged angel and he is me. I exist only for another."
rang over and over through his head. Why had he remembered -now-? He growled to himself
as he jammed his lighter into his pocket. "I exist only for who!?"
"Talking to yourself again, Youji?"
Ken.
He locked his jaw as he looked at Ken, who was coming down the stairs looking fresh
from a shower, smiling brightly. The other said something, but his heart was pounding too
loudly in his ears for him to hear what it was. The soccer players' face darkened into a
frown seeing Youji's stunned expression.
"Youji, what's wrong?" Ken asked, waving a hand in front of the older mans face.
Youji's eyes widened more and he grabbed Ken's hand with his free one. The other boy
appeared startled and looked from his held wrist to Youji's face. "Youji?"
He shook his head and looked away. It couldn't be Ken. It couldn't! But, his
pounding heart was aching in his chest, and he had to know. "Ken?" the other was looking
at him with an odd expression. "Do you believe in angels?"
The question made Ken blink and he just stood there staring at Youji for a long
time. The thought alone triggered the same sort of feelings it always did. Encompassing
warmth, love, gentleness. A time without fear or tears. Those were just stories his
parents used to tell him though, right? Half remembered fairy tales. "I like to think
they exist. But, I have very little faith in God. Do you?" he finally answered, looking
at the older man for an explanation to the question.
Youji shrugged, stiffly forcing himself to walk past Ken, up the stairs. "I don't
know. It doesn't matter."
But of course it did. It was all the difference in the world. In the universe.
He continued up the stairs to his room and collapsed on his bed, jamming his cigarette in
the ash tray. Now only Ken's face was appearing when he closed his eyes. Ken's smiling
face, touching his cheek with a tenderness he'd never shown him before. "I exist only for
another's sake." he muttered into the pillow, then rolled over onto his back, staring up at
his ceiling fan. "Ken's sake?" he quietly said, his voice catching as he said it aloud.
He knew it was the truth too, as soon as he said it.
Ken wouldn't understand though. He didn't even understand.
The soccer player just stood in the hall after Youji had left, and glanced over his
shoulder. "Believe in angels?" he softly repeated as he moved into the kitchen. He
couldn't say he didn't. Some part of him kept too strong of beliefs to make such a
statement, but in all honesty, he couldn't fathom the idea of such a perfect being. He
froze as a tear trickled down his cheek upon opening the refrigerator. "A tear?" he
questioned, wiping it off with the back of his hand, staring at the wet splotch. Why would
he cry? He let his hand rest on the handle of the door while he let himself breath deeply
and push back the feelings that were surfacing. It was like something he'd surpressed was
trying to resurface. Something touched upon by the idea of angels? "That's silly." he
muttered. He'd thought of angels plenty before, even contemplating their existence, and
he'd never experienced that sort of feeling before.
But, then, it'd never come from Youji before, either.
He let the door close and turned around, his heart beating faster. All around, he
could hear the crackling fire from the burning wherehouse, and Kase's cries as they dragged
him from the building. The suffocating heat, the unbelievable pain from his injuries and
the hurt from ruining J-league. He had wanted to die that night. He had died. He had
closed his eyes and let himself go, so that the pain would be less. Yet, he'd awaken in a
cool field away from the charred building, with no recollection of how he'd escaped alive.
He'd always held the belief that his guardian angel had saved him one last time that day,
and then abandoned him. "Abandoned? Why did you think that?" he questioned, aloud.
He looked at his hand, having seen it so many times with bugnuks and covered in
blood. He'd lost his innocence that day. Why would a guardian angel protect an assassin?
"I don't believe in angels anymore, because they stopped believing in me." he whispered.
Suddenly, he needed to see Youji again.
The trek up the stairs to his room felt like eternity, and he stood before the older
mans room for a long time with a hand poised to knock. He controlled his breath. The
comment had probably just been something trivial that he was now making too much out of, but
his pounding heart was aching in his chest, and he had to know.
There was a loud rapping at the door.
Youji opened it, looking down at the timid-faced brunette standing there. He
swallowed tightly and smiled. "Forget something?" he questioned. Ken shook his head,
looking a little to the side, as if embarrassed.
"I used to believe I had a Guardian Angel." he softly said, not looking at Youji,
and thus unable to see his expression. "But the night Kase betrayed me and left me to die
in the wherehouse fire my angel abandoned me too." he smiled bitterly. "So I don't believe
in them anymore." there was a pause and then he added. "I'm not . . . I don't know why I
wanted to tell you that."
Youji felt numb all over and reached out, putting a gentle hand on Ken's shoulder.
The other looked up at the hand there. Youji's voice was soft and pained when he spoke.
"He never abandoned you, Ken." he swallowed thickly. "He just forgot, for awhile."
Ken stiffened and looked up at him, his faced shocked.
Their eyes locked, and Youji began to speak again.
"From a sky red with blood, an angel with red wings fell." Ken's face relaxed a
little, but remained wide-eyed, as if Youji had touched a nerve. Youji continued. "I,
dancing alone in the world, caught him as he fell, and we danced into eternity." He dropped
his hand from Ken's shoulder. "But love doesn't belong to an angel, and justice tore
eternity to shreds, leaving me alone. From the sky, he fell again, and we danced endlessly
together until I died in his arms. He took my life, flying into the dawn, giving up his
existence for mine, to embrace both freedom and sin for love." he took a deep breath and
softly added. "He is me. I am him.
"But angels cannot love singularly, nor can they give up their eternity. The price
for such actions is to forget everything they fought to have upon achieving their desire to
become mortal. Not even the strongest can fully remember." his voice caught in his throat
and he saw Ken's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. He understood. He -knew-.
Ken's heart was slamming so hard into his chest he thought it would burst.
Trickling memories had flared to life at Youji's tale. Memories not painted by his words,
but remembered by them. The wherehouse fire drowning out in the background around him, but
strong arms had carried him from the flames. A gentle voice had soothed him, and set him
down. The events of the days (days?) immediately following that moment flooded his
consciousness right down to the last moment he held before forgetting it all. He shook his
head and took a deep breath.
When the he spoke, he bent his head, eyes closing, tears trickling down his nose.
"It was almost dark when I awoke, and the stars were coming out. I was fragile as a
flower, sitting there, alone with an expressionless face, not knowing why I was so empty. I
softly spoke to you: 'I'm not lonely.', but you weren't there. You never would be again."
his throat tightened as he continued his half of the story, his partially distorted memory
completing Youji's so perfectly. "The sky turned from blue to black while I sat there,
having almost already forgotten you and the light you brought. I was unable to see the
truth of what you were in this enormous universe. I couldn't believe it even though I'd
seen it with my own eyes. I fell to my knees when you told me you had to leave forever,
knowing it was the truth, and knowing it could not be remembered. I'd said: 'We can never
meet again, so now I'll tell you Goodbye.'
"I must have misunderstood," his voice wavered. "but I still believe in love and
gentleness. I'm . . . I'm not looking for truth anymore. I just wanted to remember."
"Ken." he breathed, pulling the other to him, tightly. He had remembered too. He
had remembered what they'd been damned to forget.
"My Angel." he whimpered and threw his arms around Youji's neck, burying his face
in the crook there, hot tears falling on his skin. They held one another for a long time.
"Why now?" Ken breathed into his neck after a tense moment. "Why did we remember now?"
he asked. Youji didn't know. He could never answer that. Why indeed. They'd known one
another for two or more years. He'd never even thought of Ken, or any of them, at all
remotely related to the dream. He'd never known the dream had been a memory of his fall
from grace. He shuddered into Ken's strong arms. He was an angel.
An angel.
Memories of a previous existence trickled into his thoughts. Fragments of feelings,
and pieces of places, all becoming more vivid as he thought. The trickle became a flood and
soon he was overwhelmed as the entire sequence of events poured into his conscious. He
remembered a forgotten place of exquisite beauty, but also of eternal damnation. Some
would term it "Heaven", but it was no such place. For an angel was a slave unto his or her
Lord, and when he had first saved Ken and stayed with him, the two had fallen in to a
forbidden love. His Lord hadn't been pleased at all. To anger a God was to provoke the
worst wrath of all. Even an angel could only endure so much. Even an angel could be wiped
from existence with a thought.
He and Ken both wanted out of the building. There was too much to be done and said
between them and neither wanted to remain in this place. They slipped out the backdoor,
neither touching the other, hands by their sides, timid. They walked down a dark alley,
both reminiscing in their own minds, letting their memories play silently while they sorted
them out. The skyway came into view and they crossed into a park, sitting on a bench
together, their backs to the world. Youji sighed as he sat and put his arm around Ken's
shoulders. The other naturally leaned into him, like they were re-enacting some event
they'd done once before, in a previous time. Neither was conscious of their genders playing
a role in the relationship they both had longed for. Youji wasn't a man. He was an angel.
"So often I had that dream, me dancing with the angel, dying in his arms and flying into the
dawn with him." he softly spoke, looking out at the cherry blossoms swaying in the distance.
"I never knew it was a memory until today. I never knew there was something I was looking
for, until today." he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Not until I saw you did the
words 'Giving up that eternal existence for freedom and sin; I am that black winged angel
and he is me. I exist only for another.' make any sense. I exist . . . only for you." he
swallowed tightly and felt Ken's hand fall on his chest as he turned into him.
He opened his eyes, looking down in the bright ones that belonged to Ken. The other
smiled his kindest smile and said: "You gave everything up for me. Defied your realm of
reality to come back for me." he shook his head, amazed, all the memories of being with him,
loosing him to his Lord's wrath and being left alone and empty with the twilight having come
back. Youji wasn't the same person he'd known -- the other had been so exquisitely
different, but he -was- the same. The tone, the look in his eyes, the way he spoke. And,
his angel had said he would come back in the body of a mortal. Ken had promised he'd love
him unconditionally, no matter. But they'd been promises made with tears, and he could
hardly remember them. "I don't know what to say."
Youji tightened his arm around Ken, turning on the bench, pulling the other to him
and softly whispered into his ear words he hadn't heard in over two years. The voice was
the same, so much the same. "Tell me you love me and you'll never leave my side, for as
long as we live." and he felt Ken fall into his arms, clutching tightly to him, his chest
pressing to his own, the other breathing heavy.
"I do. I promise." and that was all Youji needed to be convinced. He gently
stroked the others hair and shifted to hold him better. Ken sobbed into his shirt, but the
tears were tears of joy. The last time he'd made that promise, it'd had to be broken.
This time, he swore, it'd remain solid. Nothing would tears them apart this time.
He held Ken, unimaginably happy with their reunion, but also perplexed in its
actuality. Despite both having memories rushed back at them and living in the instant
moment, they were still Ken and Youji. He was Youji now, as much as he was the angel he
had once been. Neither was thinking rationally about who exactly they were embracing.
Somehow, he felt neither one would end up caring, either.
He let his memories of his angelic life replay in his mind as he sat there, holding
Ken happily, content with stroking his short hair and gently rubbing his back. He was born
an angel unto the realm of God, he'd ventured, unseen, to earth many times. As most lowly
angels like he did, he was to guide those dying either to God's realm with their death, or
to help them recover enough from the brink of death so they wouldn't die, and then leave.
Once, he'd taken charge of Ken when he had been nearest death. The memories were becoming
so much clearer now. Ken, left alone in a wherehouse fire, beaten and betrayed, was dying.
It had not been his time to die. He, a nameless angel, had appeared among the flames and
helped the injured one outside, collapsing with him from exertion. Collapsing with Ken in
his arms.
It was then that Ken had looked up at him in a moment of clarity and seen him. SEEN
him, something no human could do. Ken'd touched his face with a bloody hand, leaving
streaks and pulled back, eyes wide, looking at the splendid wings arching from his back.
'Are you an angel?' he'd asked, and when Youji had nodded, shocked to the core at being
seen, the two realized they had formed a bond. He'd carried Ken to where he said he lived,
masking them both from the eyes of the world. In just days they had fallen hopelessly in
love. Born from beauty and love, strengthened by their understanding and cemented by their
compassion, it had been the strongest kind of love. The short time they had had together
didn't weaken them any. It only made them more dedicated. It had been so easy for him.
It had been pure, sweet and wonderful.
But, for an angel, it was one of the ultimate sins.
There was no retribution. Had he been anything higher than an angel he would have
been erased. Turning his wings black had been fit enough. An angels' wings were their most
prized possession. He'd only ever seen one other black winged angel before himself, and
that had been at a glance, years ago. They were social outcasts.
So when he fell from the sky that last night to embrace Ken, tell him the final
goodbye, and to wipe his memory clear, he made a promise that he'd come back and find him.
That he'd break all the vows and cast aside his Lord, and his wings and come back for him.
He'd left Ken in the late dawn and flown off, never hearing the boy's final "goodbye."
The same night he'd been called upon to guide a fatally injured man to safety. He
would instead commit another angel's ultimate sin. This man's lover had just been gunned
down and he'd gotten fatally shot himself trying to rescue her. His name was Kudou Youji.
So he, as a fallen angel, did what no angel was allowed to do. He fell from the
dawning sky by the man's dying side and held him, spiraling them both into a mental dance
of death. Youji would become him. He would become Youji. And as he lifted into the sky
for the last time, the dead man in his arms, he was aware of their already spanning dual
consciousness: one living, one dead. Youji knew everything he did, and he knew everything
Youji did.
In the earliest part of the morning, he flew into the sky, giving himself entirely
over to the man he carried, spilling his life into him so they could live as one. When the
suns' rays finally burst over the clouds and hit them, they both vanished in the light.
God's final act: to merge them, and to make them both forget.
He emerged alone, flying with black wings in Youji's virtually healed body,
consciousness rapidly evaporating. His decent to earth had been haphazard, he'd already
forgotten how to fly, and he landed right back in the alley Asuka had been gunned down in.
The rest of his memories as the nameless angel and of Ken had been swallowed up and sealed
as he lost consciousness. When he awoke, it was as if they had never happened.
"What now?"
Ken's soft voice stirred him out of his reverie and he blinked, looking down at the
man he held protectively in his arms. "What do you mean?" he softly inquired, having a
million ideas popping into his mind. The wind blew, tousling their hair and he felt Ken
nestle into him more.
"We're together again." he softly said, resting his head on Youji's chest. Then,
he sighed, closing his eyes. "But it's not the same." Youji stiffened a little. He'd
known that was true from the beginning, but hearing it a loud still upset him. "You're
Youji, now." he raised his head, and looked at him with luminous eyes. "How did that
happen, anyway?" he added. Youji smiled at him wanly.
"The night I left you," he explained, trying to keep the terminology simple. "I
had a job to rescue someone else from death. Kudou Youji." he watched Ken's expression and
continued. "I swore I'd give it all up for you. I'd become mortal, and then God could
have no jurisdiction over me until I died again. I let Youji die, like I said, and I gave
my life over to him. We became one." he titled his head, hoping Ken understood. It looked
like he did. Ken sat up some, timidly raising a hand and touching his bangs. He dropped it,
caressed Youji's face and then dropped his hand on his chest. In a sleepy sounding voice he
pleasantly drawled. "Kudou Youji, hater of men, seducer of women. Angel, I think you
should've picked someone else to merge with." Youji chuckled at that.
"Fortunately, we both want you now, since we're the same person. Consider yourself
lucky: you get an angel with experience now." he chuckled.
"And an eye for women." Ken lifted his hand and poked him in the chest. "I'll kill
you myself if I ever catch you with another woman again." he paused, eyes narrowing. "Or
man." Youji just laughed and leaned down pressing their noses together.
"Don't you get it? I gave up eternity for you. You're the one I love."
Ken smiled, closing his eyes, inhaling deeply. "Mmm, I think it's going to take a
while to get used to you in this body." he murmured, and then pulled back from him a little.
"Should I call you Angel or Youji now?" he inquired, still sleepy sounding. Youji smiled
more and shook his head.
"Whatever you want to call me, you can call me." as an angel, he'd been given no
name. No angels had names. They were just servants. Only the higher ranking angels and
creatures of God's realm had names. Ken had taken to calling him Angel, and it'd become a
sort of name for him. He'd loved it.
"I think a little bit of both works nice." Ken said, grinning, opening his eyes.
"Mmm, it does." he muttered, pressing his forehead to Ken's. He tightened his grip
around Ken's back, pulling him back in again. "I love you so much, Ken." he softly said.
Ken titled his head, eyes closing. "I love you more, Angel."
Youji closed his eyes and dipped in, gently kissing him then. Ken hesitated just a
fraction of a second before pulling his arms up around Youji's neck and returning the kiss.
Two men brought together, torn apart and reunited by fate. One once existed only
for another. Now, they exist only for each other.
Owari.