Disclaimer – I do not own Glee

Summary: Ever since Karofsky tried to kill himself, Sebastian hasn't been able to sleep. But the thing is, Karofsky isn't even the reason. Kurt is. Warning, suicidal themes, dub-con, cheating.

Sleepless Nights

You can't sleep. This is nothing new of course. You haven't been sleeping well for a long time, not since Dave Karofsky tried to kill himself. It isn't your fault, not really, but you can't help but feel responsible. Maybe if you had said or done something differently he wouldn't have tried to take his own life. But he did try and thankfully he was found in time and he survived. You even went to see him in hospital, just the once. You just had to see for yourself that he was alive and breathing. He was ok, physically at least, but emotionally… that was a different thing altogether. He clearly wasn't ok. And though you didn't try to hang yourself, you're not exactly ok either.

Things in your head are confusing. You have a constant headache as conflicting thoughts battle one another for dominance. For each emotion you have spiralling through you, there is a voice. You have one voice for guilt, another for anger, another for fear and so on. Every voice screeches loudly in your mind, so shrill that they overlap one another and you can't properly distinguish anything the voices are saying, apart from one thing, a name.

You're not really sure why his name is on your mind. Well, maybe you are, and if you took the time to give it proper thought maybe the voices in your head would calm down. But you refuse to think on it too much or too long. You're too scared to admit that you might be feeling something for someone, for him.

It was Dave Karofsky's suicide attempt that really triggered things. That was the event that made those voices start to scream and that was the first night when you found yourself unable to sleep. But the sleepless nights, the voices, the constant headache and that annoying pang in your heart, it isn't down to Dave Karofsky. He may have triggered things in some way but it isn't really about him.

Perhaps the voices were in your head already, just whispering rather than screaming. It doesn't really make sense to you. Nothing makes sense to you anymore, if indeed it ever did. But you think it probably would make sense if you allowed yourself to muddle through the confusion in your brain and simply verbalise a confession of sorts. But you're too scared to.

Unable to find sleep, you simply sit on your bed with the covers wrapped around your shoulders. You stare out into the darkness of your room. So many thoughts are chiselling at your brain but you dare not analyse them. Instead you just sit alone in the dark, breathing and blinking as you wait for sleep to claim you. It doesn't.

Morning arrives and you let out a sigh. Facing another day seems like such a chore. Your mind torments you with images of what Dave Karofsky's attempted suicide might have looked like. You wince and shudder, throwing the covers off of your shoulders and hurrying to your bedroom window to open it and get some fresh air. It won't do you any good to think about that boy's troubles. You hardly know him, yet you still sympathise with him. Although you present an air of confidence to the world and act like you're at ease with your sexuality, you can't deny that it is sometimes brutally agonising and scary to be a teenage boy who likes other boys. All your life, people have told you its wrong, unnatural. They've punished you for it and it hurts. It hurts so much. You understand completely how and why Dave Karofsky got to such a dark and desperate place because you were there yourself once. You never actually tried it, not like Dave Karofsky did, but the thoughts were there.

Shaking your head, you try to rid yourself of thoughts of Dave Karofsky, but then your thoughts are consumed by the boy the voices in your head keep screaming about. His name repeats in your head, the voices shrieking at you, trying to tell you something else, something more to go along with the name they so generously provide. But you don't want to hear it. You don't want to hear the voices or understand the emotions and you especially don't want to associate anything with that name, with that person.

So you let your mind return to thoughts of Dave Karofsky and suicide. It is a dangerous topic to think about but you feel safer with it than the other thoughts.

You get dressed and head out. It's a Saturday so there is no school, no friends and no teachers to fake 'being fine' to. So you head to the Lima Bean, for coffee. You're so tired but you just cannot sleep, so you seek out coffee.

At the counter you place your order and hand your money over to the smiling woman. Taking your cup, you look about for a place to sit and your eyes land on Blaine, and him, Kurt. The voices in your head screech louder at you, yelling Kurt's name at an ear-splitting volume that you think the people around you could probably hear it too.

You feel sick and hope to slip out of the Lima Bean unnoticed but you don't succeed. Blaine spots you out of the corner of his eye and Kurt immediately looks over to see what Blaine had been looking at. Kurt's gaze lands on you, rooting you to the spot. You're frozen unsure what to say or do. Then Kurt pulls out the chair beside him, indicating for you to join them. The voices in the head seem to want you to accept the offer and you're far too tired to fight them. So you walk over and carefully sit down beside Kurt, holding your coffee between your hands, trying to focus on the heat coming off of the cup.

"You look like hell," Kurt tells you.

Before Dave Karofsky tried to kill himself, you would have no doubt responded to Kurt's comment with a jibe about his fashion choices. But not now, you haven't the energy. And Kurt notices it, of course he does. He fixes his gaze on you, trying to figure you out. You haven't figured things out yourself yet, you don't really want to, but you sincerely hope Kurt can't fathom you out when you can't even solve the puzzle that is Sebastian Smythe.

"Sebastian, are you ok?" Kurt asks sharing a concerned look with Blaine.

It's a strange situation to be in. Of all people, Kurt and Blaine are probably the last two people who should treat you with kindness or concern. You consider lying to them, simply saying that 'yes, I'm ok' but you know it's pointless. They would never believe you. So you settle for a partial truth.

"I haven't been sleeping too well," you admit. "Not since…" you trail off but you can tell by their faces that they know how the sentence was supposed to finish.

"I've had a few troubled nights myself," Kurt replies and you determinedly look at the table rather than his face.

You can feel his eyes on you and it makes your skin burn. You feel as though he's waiting for you to say something but no words come to your mind. So you stay silent and drink your coffee before taking your leave.

You don't see Kurt for the rest of the school year. Then you hear how Kurt has left Lima and gone to New York. You're still not sleeping but your thoughts aren't consumed by Dave Karofsky and attempted suicides anymore. The voices in your head aren't even screeching Kurt's name at you as often. You study hard and continue to achieve exceptional grades. Life is good. It isn't perfect by any means and you constantly feel tired but you aren't miserable.

Until you hear the news. Blaine cheated on Kurt. It makes you angry and the voices in your head return full force to yell Kurt's name at you. Somehow, you even hear word that when Blaine admitted to Kurt he had cheated, Kurt's immediate response was to ask if it had been with you. That hurts. It shouldn't, not really. You did flirt heavily with Blaine right in front of him after all thereby making you the most likely candidate. But it wasn't you and it hurts to think Kurt would instantly assume it was. No matter how frequently you flirted with Blaine and insulted Kurt, you never would have accepted Blaine's advances. You were never really interested in Blaine. It was Kurt all along.

You've finally admitted it and acknowledged what those screaming voices have been telling you. You're attracted to Kurt, you like him, you want him. Maybe you could even fall in love with him. But it doesn't matter because he's in New York and you can't have him.

For a while, forgetting about Kurt is surprisingly easy. You just go about your day at school, working hard and doing well before heading out to Scandals at night. You have a few drinks, meet a guy and let him use you in the dirty bathroom. Then you repeat the routine the next day and the next night. You don't count the number of different men you let touch your body. If you think on it too long you'll feel dirty and cheap. So you don't count and you don't over-think. You just let it happen.

One night, you don't even finish your first drink before you're being pulled into the bathroom of Scandals. There are four men in the bathroom, all older than you. They yank your pants down, exposing your bare ass to the cold room and force you onto your hands and knees. They each take a turn at violating your ass and using your mouth. Somewhere in your mind is a quiet timid voice, pointing out that this isn't consensual and suggesting a foul four letter word. You ignore it. With your eyes closed, you accept the intrusion of cocks down your throat and up your ass and let them use you.

Once they've had their fun, one of the men lands a playful spank to your ass before they head out, high-fiving one another. Your body is so tired. Your throat and ass are sore and your knees ache from the bathroom tile. Thankfully the men had at least had the courtesy to use condoms.

Forcing yourself to stand, you pull your pants back up and stagger to the sink to wash your face. You don't look in the mirror. You don't want to.

That night, you don't manage to sneak back into your dorm room at Dalton. Nick catches you. You intend to ignore him but you're finding it difficult to walk. He ends up half-carrying you to your room and helping you into bed. He asks what's wrong but you don't say. You don't think he'd understand. You don't think anyone would. Hell, you don't even understand yourself.

"Ok, you don't have to tell me," Nick says gently realising that you aren't going to talk. "But I'm here. I'll help however I can."

You never tell Nick what's wrong and he doesn't ask again. But his friendship does help. You stop going to Scandals. Instead, you visit him in his room every night and watch a movie together. Sometimes, you even manage to fall asleep there for an hour or two.

Things still aren't perfect, but they're better. You're at least getting small amounts of sleep here and there and your grades are still exemplary. Through Nick, you're having a better social life and it's only when you're alone in the dark with nothing to do that your thoughts stray to Kurt.

Then Blaine Anderson dances into the walls of Dalton Academy to request The Warblers help for him to propose to Kurt. You smile and agree to help and even Nick who probably knows you better than anyone is fooled by your act.

The proposal day arrives and you feel like you're dying inside. You sing along with everybody else as Kurt walks down the winding staircase, Blaine standing at the bottom. Then Blaine makes his big romantic speech and pops the question, everyone waiting with bated breath for Kurt's reply. You hope he says no. Your nails dig into the palms of your hand as you wait; desperately praying that Kurt will decline.

He says yes and you actually throw up in your mouth a little bit. Everybody cheers and applauds but you can't bring yourself to join in. Instead you slip out quietly, confident that nobody will notice your absence. Your face is wet and you're appalled to realise you're actually crying. Frustrated, you forcibly wipe the tears away before taking a walk.

When you return to your dorm room, Nick is waiting for you. You tense up, fearing that he's going to bombard you with questions, or worse, that he's figured it out. But he doesn't interrogate you. He holds up a DVD case before putting it on. You sit together and watch the movie trying to forget about Kurt.

The movie finishes and Nick looks over at you with a pensive expression that makes you feel nervous.

"You love him don't you?" Nick asks quietly and you feel your heart stomach drop and your heart clench. "You love Blaine."

You let out a hollow laugh at that. You don't tell Nick he's got it wrong.

"Don't worry," Nick tells you resting a comforting hand on your shoulder. "There are others guys out there. One day, you'll meet someone special."

With Nick's pestering, you start dating. Through your senior year you date a total of three boys. Dating isn't something you've really done before and you're not entirely sure why you bothered to give it a try. None of the three relationships work out. You don't even have sex with any of them. But they at least served as nice distractions for a while.

Upon Nick's encouragement, you make an appointment with the doctor and he prescribes you with pills to try and help with your sleeping problems. It sort of works but not really. Nevertheless, life goes on and before you know it, you're graduating and saying goodbye to Nick and unpacking your things in your New York apartment.

In the very first month, you bump into him, into Kurt. Your eyes are instantly drawn to the engagement ring on his finger and it makes you feel sick. You want to get away as fast as possible but Kurt invites you for coffee and you can't refuse. You don't even know why he would want to talk to you.

"How have you been sleeping?" Kurt asks and you're a little startled by the question.

"Better," you answer before making up an excuse for why you have to leave.

A week later, Kurt finds you again. He calls out to you in the busy street but you cast your eyes to the floor and walk on as if you haven't seen or heard him. But he follows you. He follows you all the way to your apartment and invites himself in.

Slumping onto the couch, you flick the television on and surf through the channels absentmindedly. You can hear Kurt's voice and you know he's talking to you but you don't pay attention. Eventually he leaves, slamming the door behind him.

Two days later, Kurt comes back. You open the front door to find him standing there looking impatient. He steps inside without being asked to and actually tidies your apartment a little bit before making dinner for the two of you. It tastes delicious. He talks a lot but you barely reply and around ten o'clock he leaves again.

It's another three weeks before he shows up at your apartment again, this time with coffee. He continues to visit you every day for the next two weeks. He arrives at your apartment, invites himself in, makes you something to eat and sits beside you on the sofa as you watch some dumb T.V show.

After those first two weeks it's another three days before you see him again. He doesn't cook for you this time and you don't watch T.V. As soon as Kurt is inside, he grabs your wrist and pulls you into your bedroom and practically throws you down on your own bed.

"What is wrong with you?" Kurt demands to know.

You're dimly aware of opening and closing your mouth like a goldfish as Kurt looms over you on the bed.

"Tell me," Kurt pleads and you simply stare at him, unsure what to make of the tears in the other man's eyes. "Please," Kurt begs and you hear a choked sob. "Tell me," Kurt repeats touching his delicate fingers to your cheek. That's when you realise that the choked sob came from you. "Just tell me," Kurt sighs when you don't respond.

You don't say anything. Then Kurt kisses you. Really, you should be too surprised to be able to kiss back, but you manage it. You kiss him, desperately, hungrily, hoping that the kiss might be able to convey all the things you can't say out loud. Your hands are reaching up to run through Kurt's hair, to bring him closer, but the moment has faded. It seems the other man has come to his senses and Kurt is pulling away, stammering out apologies.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kurt babbles as he moves off the bed and backs away from you until he hits the wall. "I shouldn't be here this is… this is a mistake."

Ouch. It hurts to hear those words. You watch him as he continues to mutter to himself, looking down guiltily at the engagement ring on his finger.

"I have to go," Kurt mumbles and you watch him leave you to return to Blaine.

You don't sleep at all that night. But as it always does, morning comes and you set out to face the day, moving along like a ghost. There are no friends for you here in New York. Not even casual acquaintances. There is no New York version of Nick for you and no replacement Warbles. You don't even have a regular barrister to serve you coffee. You're lonely.

The day passes by slowly and you don't talk to anyone. Back at Dalton, you always had to put in the effort to at least pretend you were ok so that people wouldn't worry and ask questions. There is no need for you to fake smiles in New York because there is nobody here to worry about you enough to ask.

You don't expect to see Kurt again so you are truly stunned when you return home to find him waiting by the door.

"Sebastian," Kurt sighs reaching his hand out to you and you stare at it, to afraid to take it.

"Shouldn't you be with Blaine?" You ask, desperate to just get inside and try to find sleep.

"I should," Kurt answers. He fiddles with the ring on his finger, looking highly uncomfortable as he does so.

"Does he even know that you're here?" You ask. "That you've been… seeing me?"

"No," Kurt replies with a shake of his head. You aren't surprised. "He thinks… he thinks all our dreams are coming true and that everything's perfect. But… it's not."

Wordlessly, you fish out your keys and unlock the door. You step through, leaving the door open so Kurt can follow.

"I don't want to marry him," Kurt confesses, still at the doorway.

"I don't want you to marry him either," you admit.

The door closes and Kurt's footsteps sound as he steps closer to you. He takes hold of your wrist and leads you to your bedroom. He fucks you. It hurts. You whimper. You both cry. You both reach orgasm. Then Kurt leaves.

You face another sleepless night. Your entire body aches, especially your asshole. It had been such a long time since your last sexual encounter and Kurt hadn't been particularly gentle. Now you were left alone in your bed, body aching and feeling humiliated that Kurt Hummel had seen you cry. You had feelings for Kurt, and he'd used you for sex before returning home to his beloved Blaine Anderson. For the first time in a good long while, you thought of Dave Karofsky. You could hang yourself, you think. It would be so easy. Nobody would be there to find you in time. It would be so easy to just let yourself die. A part of you even wants to die, to just end it all, but you really don't have the energy to move.

Once again, morning arrives. You go about your day as normal before returning home. Kurt is waiting for you yet again. You don't say anything. You just unlock the door and he follows you inside. This time, he fucks you on the couch. It hurts, not as much as the night before, but still enough to make you cry. He cries along with you, probably thinking of Blaine and tormented with the guilt of cheating on his fiancé.

He pulls out then feeds his cock through your lips, fucking your throat. You take it, eyes closed, never looking up at him. His fingers fist in your hair and he grunts as he spills down your throat. You let his cock fall from your mouth and you focus your gaze on the floor, expecting him to leave. But Kurt surprises you. He kneels down behind you and takes a firm grip on your member. He jerks you off and you let your head fall back to rest on his shoulder. It has been so long since you've had a sexual partner who cared enough to help you achieve pleasure.

It doesn't take long for Kurt to have you spilling your seed in his hand. And once you have, Kurt's lifting his hand to your mouth and making you lick up your own cum. Then he leaves.

You drag yourself to the shower, forehead resting against the cold tile as the water cascades down your back.

He doesn't show up the next night, but he turns up the night after that. He fucks you again. This time he has you bent over the table as he takes you from behind, his hand coming down to smack your ass every few thrusts. His other hand claws at your back, rakes down your chest and tweaks your nipples. Then he brings that hand down to stroke your cock, making sure you cum first. Then as you lay slumped against the table, panting and gasping, Kurt pulls out of your used hole and jerks himself off until he splatters across your nude buttocks. Before he leaves, he drops a kiss to the back of your neck.

The next time you see Kurt is two days later at a coffee house. He's with Blaine, Santana and a blonde girl you've never seen before. You think about leaving and getting coffee from somewhere else, but almost as soon as you walked inside Kurt's head turned towards you. You meet one another's gaze, both of you waiting to see what the other will do. Then Blaine stands up, calls out your name and waves you over. Getting your coffee, you sit down with them.

The blonde girl is Santana's new girlfriend. You barely even register her name or indeed anything else Blaine is talking about. You hear some mention of Rachel Berry but you're not paying enough attention to be able to respond.

"So, how do you like New York?" Blaine asked with a cheerful grin.

You look at him, forcing yourself to provide a casual answer. He has no idea that Kurt's been cheating on him with you. No idea at all.

"What about boys?" Blaine asks with a playful teasing tone. "Anyone special in your life?"

You notice Kurt tense up as he awaits your answer. For a split second, you seriously consider revealing to Blaine that Kurt has been fucking you. But you don't.

"Nothing serious," you say and Kurt still looks tense as his eyes bore into you. "Just some guy who's using me for sex."

You can't help but look at Kurt directly and when you do he breaks his gaze, looking into the depths of his coffee instead. Blaine and the blonde girl don't notice anything but you suspect that Santana has noticed something.

"A guy using you for sex," Santana repeats thoughtfully. "That's interesting."

"Not really," you shrug.

"Is he a good fuck?" Santana asks.

"I wouldn't let him keep using me if he wasn't talented with his dick," you reply and Kurt's cheeks tinge pink. Seeing the way Santana quirks her eyebrow as she surveys Kurt, you feel pretty certain that she has figured things out.

"Let me guess," Santana said. "He only wants to fuck because he's in a relationship with somebody else."

"Something like that," you reply and Kurt and Santana seem to have a conversation with their eyes that the rest of you can't interpret.

"That's not a healthy relationship to be in, Sebastian," Blaine tells you sympathetically. "You deserve better than to let yourself be used like that."

"Yeah, well, maybe I like being somebody's dirty little secret," you say in a voice void of any emotion.

"I don't believe that," Blaine replies. "You put on a front and pretend you only care about sex but deep down you just want to be loved. And you deserve to be. If this guy can't see that then he's a fool."

"He's already got a boyfriend," you say. "Who am I to break up a happy couple?"

"If this guy is cheating on his boyfriend with you than he obviously isn't truly happy," Santana commented and you catch the meaningful look she sends to Kurt. "Just tell this guy how you feel, whatever those feelings may be, and make him choose. He can't have a boyfriend and a fuck-toy, that's just greedy."

"I agree," Blaine nodded. "If you like this guy then tell him how you feel. Make him choose."

"Unnecessary," you tell them. "I know full well he'll choose the other guy. If you'll excuse me," you nod to them and make your way out.

Later that night, Kurt knocks at your door and you let him in. Closing the door behind him, Kurt grabs your wrist and leads you to your bedroom. He pins you against the wall and bites at your lip before thrusting his tongue in. You kiss back, a small whine escaping your throat before your clothes are stripped off and you're forced onto your back on the bed.

"Stop," you say and Kurt pauses. "I… I can't do this. I can't be your secret fuck-toy. You should go… go back to Blaine."

"I told you already, I don't want to marry him," Kurt says.

"Just because you're not ready to get married, doesn't mean you should cheat," you point out. "And I can't… I can't do this."

"Ssh," Kurt sooths running his hands down your chest. "Let me take care of you."

He bends down to kiss you again but you turn your face away.

"I haven't been sleeping," you tell Kurt and he sits up, straddling your waist, his eyes looking down at you in concern. "I haven't been able to sleep since that Dave Karofsky kid tried to kill himself. When I heard about it I thought… I thought…"

"You felt you were to blame," Kurt supplied. "I understand. I felt guilty too."

"No," you say. "I mean yes, I did feel guilty. I met him at Scandals once, said some nasty things but… that's not what… that isn't… this isn't about Karofsky. This is about you."

"Me?" Kurt asks with a raised eyebrow and you wipe your hand over your face.

"When I heard about Karofsky," you explain. "All I could think was that it could have been you."

"That's ridiculous," Kurt claimed. "I'd never try to kill myself. I'm stronger than that."

"Good for you," you reply with just a touch of resentment. "But still, all I could think was that it could have been you. And the idea of that makes me feel sick. It kills me. Because from the moment I met you… I've liked you. I wanted you."

"No," Kurt shook his head in denial. "You wanted Blaine. Everybody wants Blaine."

"I wanted you," you repeat. "But I couldn't have you. I wanted you all along but it took Karofsky trying to kill himself for me to realise it. And I don't want to want you. I've tried to actively not want you, to move on and forget you. But I can't, especially when you show up at my apartment and fuck me before going home to the guy you're supposed to marry."

"I'm not marrying Blaine," Kurt tells you adamantly.

"This piece of jewellery suggests otherwise," you point out as you run a finger over his engagement ring. "Please, Kurt, I haven't been able to sleep properly for years. Just go. I need you to be out of my life."

"What if I want to be in your life?" Kurt asks you. "What if I choose you?"

"You won't choose me," you reply. "You've already chosen Blaine. You're just having doubts, it's natural, and you'll get over it. Now please, just go."

"Can… can I say goodbye?" Kurt asks in a whisper and you nod.

His lips meet yours again. He doesn't fuck you this time. He makes love to you. At last you have a decent night's sleep. You wake up and Kurt is gone.

You get out of bed, take a shower, have breakfast and get prepared to face the day. But you don't wander through your life like a ghost anymore. You make the effort to be friendly and talk to people. You make friends and develop a social life. Things aren't perfect, probably never will be. But things are better than they have been for a long time. You're happy with yourself and your life. You're sleeping again and you join a gym. You start dating. You even have a functional relationship for nearly six months.

It is nearly two and a half years later when you cross paths with Kurt again. This time, there is no ring on his finger. He's single and you're single. So you take a chance and ask him on a date. He says yes. You go out to dinner before Kurt invites you back to his place. There's no sex. You just fall asleep together with your arms wrapped around one another.

The End

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