Denial
He has that big, goofy, totally adorable grin he always has when he's happy. I mean he could probably provide illumination for a whole small town with that grin of his right now. And I can't help but smile in return. It's small, I know it, because he just told me that his getting married and he's practically bouncing, but he doesn't know how I feel for him. He'll never know! My mind is racing and I have to do something with my hands before I punch something or someone. I call Leighton, she's my best friend since we were both in dippers and she always knows what to say. I tell her that this isn't happening, it cannot be happening; that this is a dream and when I wake up everything is going to be like they where yesterday morning. I can feel her smile on the other end of the line and she tells me I'm in the first stage. What first stage? Grief? I'm absolutely sure I am not in denial.
Anger
I'm sure that if someone asks me again if I'm okay, I'll start throwing punches. I'm okay, hell I'm better then okay I'm perfect. And how the fuck am I kidding? I let myself fall into a chair and I take my head into my hands. Lee came down to help with the wedding. Jared knows her too and he likes her, likes her ideas for the wedding, and likes the way she's with Gen. What's not to like about Lee? When she comes into my room I get up and start pacing. Why is this happening to me? Why is it so god dammed hard for me to just waltz into the room and tell him what I feel? Why does he have to get married? She smiles and simply states: "Anger".
Bargaining
"Why can't you just wait a little more?' I ask my eyes darting to the spread out display of wedding invitations. It makes my stomach turn in a way that I don't recognize.
"Wait? Why should I wait Jen?' he's smile is breath tacking and genuinely happy. "I mean she loves me and I love her, so why should we wait?'
Because I love you, the words die as soon as I open my mouth and instead of that I say "because it's too soon". He shakes his head and smiles again, exiting the room. Lee looks up from the invitations and says in the simplest way possible that it's bargaining.
Depression
Lee takes me to a bar and I'm allowed to get myself wasted. "I'm loosing him Lee. And all I can fucking do is watch." She doesn't smile but she reaches out and starts stroking my hair. "There are a lot of things that you can do; you only have to want to do them". I shake my head stubbornly. No, no there's nothing I can do; I'm loosing him simple as that. I go up to my motel room and that's the moment when it all comes crashing down on me. What's the point in telling him I love him if he's so happy and so on board with this getting married thing? The lyrics to 'Wasted Jamie' come into my mind and the song start playing in my head and for the first time in my life those lyrics are so fucking tangible. I cry myself to sleep that night.
Acceptance
Lee said last night that I was depressed and I tend to believe her on that one. It's the day before the wedding and I think I can do it, I'm sure I can. I call Jay first thing in the morning and I tell him that I want to see him. When he comes to my motel room I kiss him, and it's real and good. I tell him everything and then I tell him that hey, maybe it's just a fling, like on the summer holiday and we'll…I'll get over it. I tell him that I'm happy for him and that Gen is a great girl, the best girl for him, even if I don't believe it just yet. I tell him I'm sorry for the kiss and he leaves.
"He didn't seem mad" I tell Lee later on the phone, "he just seemed, I don't know a little upset maybe?" I tell her I can do this wedding thing and her last word before saying good bye is Acceptance.
So these are the five stages of grief huh?