Eclipse Chapter 26 Ethics Edward's POV
A lot of the dialog, especially in the beginning, is mine. The rest is Stephanie Meyers', who of course, owns the whole thing. More power to her.
It was over…….and just beginning. It was only mid afternoon, but after the morning we'd survived, I felt it should have been sometime next week. Odd for a vampire…
The Volturi had gone, sadistic Jane among them, possibly – probably - regretting that all of the Cullens had survived the newborns and Victoria. However, there was nothing that they could do about it now.
Bella and I stood over Jacob's bed, holding hands. Charlie had left a bit ago but not before I'd felt a slight shift in his thoughts towards me; I'd just seen Jacob's mangled body and my feelings must've been reflected on my face. Charlie seemed almost impressed, and he'd decided I wasn't too much of a creep, that I might have some decency if I could care about the health of my rival for his daughters' affections. It'd made me the tiniest bit hopeful. After his departure Bella had been allowed to come and confirm for herself that Jacob still drew breath. She'd been frantic with worry, driving Alice and Esme to distraction while she waited for her father to leave. They'd tried their best to soothe her, but Alice's inability to see the wolves, and thus Jacob's status and future, had pushed Bella into a raging spell of anxiety. We'd waited only long enough for Charlie's cruiser to disappear around the bend; Alice could at least see enough to know he wouldn't be returning today.
So now here we stood. Carlisle had drugged the boy senseless – for good reason. He was using splints, forcing the bones into alignment, knowing that plaster was out of the question – the wolves healed much too quickly for traditional medical treatment. Not to mention the panic that Jacob's too-fast recovery would engender at a hospital, had we followed Charlie's advice and taken him there. Billy was…grateful. That Carlisle agreed to come and treat him at his home. In enemy territory. It wasn't a comfortable arrangement, to be sure, but it was far from the enmity our two clans had once felt for one another.
Carlisle gently forced another bone into place with an audible sound. For once, I was glad I couldn't hear Bella's mind, her face was anguished enough….and truth be told, I had some few of my own issues to deal with, seeing Jacob's body as wrecked as it was. If I felt wracked with this much guilt, I could, unfortunately, imagine what was going through Bella's heart. It beat erratically, looking at him; it beat erratically when she looked at me. Confusion and I had, lately, become close company. Please, don't let me lose her…please don't let her hurt so much… Even my prayers were incoherent.
Last night, it'd seemed so clear; I'd fight to keep Bella, fight against Jacob and his attempts to rob me of my reason for being, rob me of my world. Then, with the morning, everything changed; Jacob had seen to that. She knew…she loved him. I felt a bubble of panic and pain in my chest as I though those words, threatening to burst – and reopen the gaping hole my chest had been there for the seven months we'd been separated. But I couldn't bring myself to hate him – he had done what I would have to gain the one thing in this world I wanted the most (although, I may have gone about it a tad more subtly). The rage and jealousy wouldn't come and I knew why. I could see – I didn't deserve her. I never had. I'd offered to break my own heart for her to be happy – for her not to have to choose between us. And she'd made it clear, I had to remind myself; although she now could acknowledge the feelings – the romantic feelings – she had for him, what she felt for me superseded it – superseded everything else. Despite everything – all my mistakes, my leaving her last autumn, all my lies and deceptions in the past few months, to say nothing of the things she could never have with me, of the looming loss of her humanity – it all made no difference in her choice. And she'd chosen me!
'This part! Every part!' Squirming on my lap, legs wrapped around me, kissing me fiercely, making her intentions clear as crystal. The words and memories streamed through my brain, making me lightheaded. Me. She wanted me. The bubble of panic subsided, the threat of the gaping hole dissipating. My wife.
Who currently was looking down upon the broken body of the boy – no, he was a man, his actions had proved that - who held part of her heart, her deep brown eyes full of shame and guilt. And love. Yes, confusion was reining supreme. The bubble re-formed in my chest, making breathing unlikely.
"Bella, you need to go home and see Charlie." Carlisle said gently, rescuing me. I shot him a grateful look.
"I don't care. I want to be here when Jake wakes up. He shouldn't have to wake up alone…" she trailed off at the end.
"Bella, he's right. You need to go home and let Charlie see that you and Alice are back from your 'shopping trip' – flesh out the alibi before he gets suspicious and grounds you again. Jacob won't be alone," I whispered pleadingly. She'd had enough of this, seeing Jacob broken. And what I'd said was true as well. Parental restrictions had gotten constricting over the last few months, and I didn't need Charlie even more angry with me than he had been since our return. Especially now, when I may have a chance to repair some of the damage to his trust that I'd done. I realized, too late, that I needed to have a talk with Charlie about my intentions. Soon.
"No." Stubborn Bella. I sighed.
Firmly, Carlisle let her have it in his too-gentle way. He always held himself up to so-high a standard, one felt inadequate next to him.
"Bella, it's for Charlie's own good – our lives are about keeping this secret, and it's something you will have to not only endure, but practice flawlessly in the future to keep those you love safe".
Anguished Bella. She nodded.
I walked with her out of the house, an arm around her waist. She leaned into me, and her warmth reminded me of everything all at once; the feel of her skin under my hands, the feel of her touch, the coldness of mine… and the warmth of Jacobs' – along with everything that he could be to her. I reeled inwardly and shook my head to clear it. She needed my strength now. I had to be strong for her.
No one tells you exactly how to be strong – or where to find it. Stores don't carry it.
I helped her into the car and drove to my house. Our house, I'd wanted to call it. But now I was no longer sure… All the things I wanted to say to her…stuck deep in my chest under the bubble of uncertainty, and I was unable to push the words out around it. The gaping hole threatened. We were both still coming to terms with what had happened this morning, and the violence of Victoria and the newborns had little to do with it.
She didn't speak during the ride, although she would not let my hand leave hers. Thank God for small favors – it kept the hole in my chest from dragging me down. I pulled the car up to the house, and reversed it. I got out and ran to pull open her door; I could hear Alice's mind from inside the house, letting me know she'd take care of Bella while I went back for Carlisle.
I pulled Bella into my arms in front of the door, and buried my face in her hair. Abruptly, the bubble expanded, locking my body up. Strength, I reminded myself. I kissed her briefly on the lips and pulled her back from me.
"I know you want to see him when he wakes up," I said, my rough voice betraying me. She couldn't meet my eye and it scared me. I pushed the bubble down viciously. She didn't need my pain, too. "You should be able to visit early this evening, although he may be a little loopy from the morphine." I worked to smooth out my voice. She nodded absently, not wanting to think about the pain he would be in. I think. "I'll be waiting for you in your room when you get home."
I was just about to draw away, when she fiercely threw her arms around my waist and pulled herself to me. I wrapped my arms around her, silently begging her to stay, to be here when I returned…knowing that she wouldn't.
Incredibly, she said what I'd been thinking earlier. "I don't deserve you," a tremble in her voice.
"You know I'll never agree to that statement," a small smile playing across my features.
She sighed. Alice opened the door and I allowed her to pull Bella slowly out of my arms.
"Tonight," I promised her. Bella nodded, and walked into the house with Alice.
After the door closed I got behind the wheel and drove back to La Push, leaving my heart, and the gaping hole threatened.
I drove at the legal speed limit. Anything to drag the time out; I didn't really know what time Bella would be home later, and nothing else could compel me. I knew that Carlisle had Jacob's medical situation in hand, that he didn't need my help. On the highway, I was shadowed by Seth, Sam and Paul, each filling my head with their triumphs and victories over the newborns. Leah was stewing in guilt, knowing that Jacob had not only saved her, but had been almost crushed in the process. However, this was only a shadow on their jubilation – they'd finally gotten rid of the threat of the newborns, had been able to freely unleash their hatred of the bloodsuckers. I didn't mind; they were young, in the first heat of victory, and they'd been heroic. They had little worry that Jacob would be fine. I had little worry that Jacob would be fine. They let me cross the boarder unmolested, knowing from Billy what my purpose was.
The distractions that the wolves provided was too brief. The hole threatened. And I had no one but myself to blame for it.
I drove up to the little house and sat in the car for a long time. I didn't want to go inside. I didn't want to see again the cozy little rooms where Bella had found a bit of comfort in my absence. I didn't want to hear Billy's thoughts about his son and his best friends' daughter – although he allowed Carlisle and I in earlier, he hoped desperately for his son's sake, for her sake and for the sake of the tribe and treaty that Bella would choose Jacob. The conflict inside of me was raging too much to take outside influences as well. How could I do this to her? Bella had made her choice…but I couldn't hear her. I never could. Had she made it willingly? What possessed her to love a monster like me? How could she love me? That I could never begin to understand. How could she give up everything – all the human experiences the rest of my family could never have again, and wanted badly? How could she want to give that all up for me, who didn't deserve her? All the life she could have with Jacob stared me in the face in the form of his home.
Yet, she was my world. I wouldn't - couldn't - survive without her. She was my light in the bleak grey fog that had been my life for too long. My selfish nature wanted nothing more than to take her away – and keep her forever.
After about an hour I got out of the car, but couldn't make myself approach the door. I had no idea how long I stood there, letting the conflict rage. Then, as the afternoon wore on, Carlisle came to the door, bag in hand. I knew from his thoughts that any further healing would be up to Jacob's body – and that it was certainly up to the challenge. Jacob would be fine.
Carlisle took one look at my face and abruptly stopped in his tracks.
Oh, son.
His sympathy was my undoing. A dry sob escaped, coming out as a gasp. He took my shoulders and pulled me to him, all the while showing me his images of Bella looking with love at me, laughing with me, with our family, letting me experience his conviction that she was a part of us and always would be.
"Have faith in your love. Have faith in her. In you. Neither of you can be happy if the other is not. Know that." His words restored my control somewhat, gave me breathing room. The bubble subsided but didn't dissipate. I nodded.
Have faith. No one ever tells you how.
He still took the keys from me.
Carlisle drove us home and gave me the gift of silence – he concentrated on the road, Esme's face, our next hunting trip – anything but Bella and Jacob. I was eternally grateful for this man whom I could never live up to. The trip returning was quicker – he wasn't immune to the love of speed either. By the time we got home, Bella's truck was gone, of course. I hunted Alice down. She was with Jasper, lounging in the backyard. Looking at me, images flashed through her mind. Bella sobbing in my arms…
"You're going to have to be strong for her," she stated. "No matter what."
I nodded. Faith. No one ever tells you its' work.
Jasper looked at me, and calm strength flowed into my body. He winked at me. I smiled my thanks. I took a deep breath, and said, "Faith." I would be there for Bella whenever and wherever she needed me, for whatever reason.
More images flashed in Alice's head, too fast for me to see. Her eyes went blank for a few seconds, then refocused on me. "Ok. It's ok now. You'll see." She smiled comfortingly.
I felt myself relax a bit more, and closed my eyes in gratitude. "Thank you, Alice. How was the afternoon?"
More images; Bella asking about newborns, but through Alice's eyes I could see Bella's interest wane, becoming distracted. Alice trying vainly to console and sympathize with her – and Bella's refusal and self-contempt that cut through me. I had to try and fix that.
"I'm going to her house to wait for her," I told them, and ran. Their thoughts followed me, filled with sympathy and concern.
I had just gotten to her house when my cell buzzed in my pocket – Alice.
"Alice, is everything all right?"
"Edward, she's just across our side of the boarder on the road. The truck stopped. I think its' fine. She's not physically hurt. But…" my sister let me draw my own conclusions.
"I'll get her. Thanks Alice. Again."
"No problem. Just remember what you owe me while I'm planning your wedding…" she teased.
"Alice." I remonstrated with her. But I couldn't make myself go on. Wedding. The thought of it, the joy of it pushed against the bubble of pain and worry, deflating it somewhat. Bella was going to marry me. I would hold onto that – it was my lifeline at this point. She was my lifeline.
"Oh, neither of you are any fun." Alice hung up.
I ran. My Bella needed me. Needed me. And right now I desperately needed her. Like a man lost in the desert craves water. I needed my Bella. Needed to hold her, feel her safe in my arms, bury my face in her hair, kiss her hands, her face…
Alice was right. The truck was resting on the shoulder on the side of the highway from the reservation. Bella was pitifully draped over the wheel, tears coursing down her cheeks, sobs wracking her small frame. I opened the door and gathered her in my arms gently.
Her sobs initially increased at my touch, making me fret – did I hurt her? But after a few minutes, the near-hysteria calmed. The small sobs and tears did not stop. My needs definitely took a backseat; I had her in my arms, hearing her heart beat, her scent drifting about me, layered just a bit with the wolf's smell, but Bella's still overpowering it. This was enough. I had her back. I would hold her in my arms here forever if that's what it took. After a long while, she began coughing out Charlie's name.
"Are you sure you're ready to go home?" the doubt was evident in my voice.
Choking back sobs, she stuttered almost incoherently. Her voice shaking, she admitted, after several attempts, that she couldn't find it within her to stop the tears any time soon; the side of the road wasn't the place for this. She was right. She needed to be home.
Oh, how I wished I could take her home. My home. Our home. Soon…
I tried to drive as slowly as possible; I knew that speeding disturbed her, and she also needed more time to calm down. As we approached, she'd gotten most of the sobs under control, but the tears continued to rain. The epiphany came from left field….the tears were for her own breaking heart, yes…and they were also for Jacob's pain…but they were for me, as well. For the pain she was allowing me to see, for the hurt she knew she was inflicting on me, seeing her weep for him. She knew… I didn't know that my heart could have crumbled any further today, but it did.
I stopped her truck in front of her house. She turned to me and mumbled through the veil of tears, "Wait for me upstairs." I hugged her close for minute more then left the truck. I silently scaled the wall to her open window and entered. I stood still, listening to her stumble through her explanation to Charlie, wondering again at her inner strength. Charlie didn't approve of Bella telling Jacob now about her choice, when he was injured so badly, but he accepted her truth.
"Sometimes, there isn't any way to compromise." Oh, my poor broken Bella.
Faced with gathering tears, Charlie took the cowards' way out, letting her seek her room for privacy.
She blindly staggered into her room and closed the door. I could see her struggling to get the bracelet off of her wrist with trembling, shaking fingers. I captured her hands gently in mine.
"No, Bella. It's part of who you are, now," I whispered, fearing to hear my voice break, needing to be her strength now. Forever. I pulled her into my arms, cradling her head against my shoulder. The sobs started again, and I led her to the bed, laying her down, and laying next to her, never letting her go. I held her, rocking her gently, murmuring, stroking her arms and shoulders, back and neck while she wept.
Through others eyes, like Charlie's and Jacob's, I'd seen what my leaving had done to her last September. Charlie's especially, that first week…he'd been terrified that she needed to be hospitalized. He'd enlisted Renee to help – not something he'd done without trepidation. I knew, from Jacob's mind, who'd received the images from Sam, how Bella had looked when he found her in the woods, late the night I'd left her. Her near-catatonic state…this was not like any of their memories. But was it worse? For most of the night, Bella vacillated between near-hysteria and bouts of silent tears. I didn't know what to do; I was frightened for her. A few times, I mistakenly thought she was nearing the end, had cried herself out. But with a wracking, body wrenching sob, the tears would pour again. She seemed at times almost inconsolable. My only source of comfort that night was in being hers; I never allowed her to be without my touch, and she never rejected it, clinging to me in desperation. I held onto this as hope, and vowed never to let go. I hummed her lullaby to her in the early morning hours and she eventually cried herself to sleep.
The sun rose, making the clouds outside lighten, and Bella's breathing changed, indicating she was close to waking up. Usually, I had to fight the urge to kiss her awake. While fighting some other urges as well. Not today. I carefully watched her face, waiting to see what would happen when she opened her eyes.
Her eyes fluttered briefly, then found mine. They were clear…but…
"Hey," she said hoarsely. I didn't answer, waiting to see…would her eyes cloud again? Would she reject me now? Almost as if she could read my mind she said, "No, I'm fine. That won't happen again."
Wouldn't it? How could she endure so much pain? I didn't want her to be in pain because of her choice. I wasn't worth it.
"I'm sorry you had to see that. It wasn't fair to you," she said. She acknowledged my pain, took it into herself. But…
I put my hands on either side of her face. The dark rings around her eyes told of too little sleep, too much heartbreak. "Bella…are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain –," my voice broke on the last word. It had been a hard night. For us both. I'd have taken ten nights of watching Jacob holding her against the cold against the night just past.
She put a finger to my lips. "Yes." Simply that. She was sure. My aching heart was longing for these words from her, but I couldn't know…I frowned.
"I don't know…If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing for you?"
"Edward, I know who I can't live without." With conviction.
"But…"
She was shaking her head. "You don't understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that's what's best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It's the only way I can live." She thought I was brave? Living without her wasn't bravery, it was misery. She thought I was strong? She made me weak just looking in my eyes. It was she who was brave and strong…
I wasn't convinced and she saw it. "Hand me that book, would you?" she asked.
Confused, I gave her the battered copy of Wuthering Heights. "This again?" I asked. Although I'd found a bit of common ground recently with Heathcliff, I still thought it a pretty wretched book.
"I just wanted to find this one part I remembered….to see how she said it…" Bella flipped through the book, finding the page that was dog-eared. "Cathy's a monster, but there were a few things she got right," she muttered. "'If all else perished, and he remained, I would still continue to be; and if all else remained and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger'", she quoted, quietly. Bella nodded and murmured, "I know what she means." She locked onto my eyes with hers. "And I know who I can't live without," she repeated.
I pulled the book from her hands and tossed it across the room, then pulled her up into my arms – finally – looking into her eyes, hope racing in my heart, making it hard to think. "Heathcliff had his moments, too." I pulled her closer and whispered in her ear, "'I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!'" I breathed in her incomparable scent, feeling the burn without the pain now.
"Yes," Bella said quietly. "That's my point."
"Bella, I can't stand for you to be miserable. Maybe…" Maybe what!? I asked myself. I realized in the nick of time that by mistrusting her, by arguing against her, I was in fact insulting her, trying to negate her love for me, degrading it and her. Again. Would I never learn my lesson? How many times nearly losing her would it take to get the solid fact of her love through to me? The thought almost paralyzed me – and at the same time, woke me up, freed me. She was going to marry me! Then I wondered how many more epiphanies I would have – with her, there seemed to be no limit.
"No, Edward. I've made a real mess of things, and I am going to have to deal with that. But I know what I want and what I need…and what I'm going to do now."
She wasn't going to do anything without me, if I could help it.
"What are we going to do now?" I corrected her, the playfulness brought back by my epiphany. She truly loved me as I loved her, every bit as obsessively.
"We are going to see Alice."
Alice? Why? I was confused, and it showed. Bella smiled a bit, but didn't expound on what was going through that pretty head. I sighed…she really would be the death of me someday.
She needed a human moment, and we agreed to meet in her truck. However, I didn't leave immediately. My epiphany still rolling through my body in waves of giddiness, I buried my face in her pillow, inhaling her intoxicating scent. It probably was a mistake. The shower ran, and I fought to keep images of her small, slick body out of my brain; they wouldn't be banished at first, and I had to fight – as I'd so often lately had to fight – the erection that strained against my jeans. This would get me nowhere right now. I got up and went to the window to clear my head. The fresh air helped, the perversely gleeful thoughts were slowly chained in a corner of my mind. I needed to be focused on what was coming.
I exited through her window, and jumped into her truck, as Bella was letting Charlie know that she'd be spending the day with my family. Although he grumbled, I could see that he didn't want to have to deal with more emotional outbursts from her. His own night hadn't passed well, as Bella's weeping had disturbed him several times throughout the night. He let her go.
I let her drive to my house, holding her hand in mine when the road allowed, just glad to be with her, not needing to be anywhere else, since I was with her. Alice met us on the porch; the little sprite was just about vibrating with excitement. She kept me out of her head, mostly, however – not wanting me to see images of the dress she'd ordered almost upon our return this past spring. Now I knew why Bella wanted to see my favorite sister... The wedding ceremony…I held my breath. As close as this fantasy – Bella walking down an aisle to me - was to my heart, I knew it was as far as possible from Bella's wishes. The two emotions warred in me, the elation and the concern. As we got out of the car, my little sister finally gave voice to her thrill.
"Thank you, Bella!" Alice sang out. But Bella wasn't about to let the imp have complete reign. She raised her hand to stop Alice's flight.
"Hold it, Alice. I've got a few limitations for you," Bella warned.
"I know, I know, I know. I only have until August 13th at the latest, you have veto power on the guest list, and if I go overboard on anything, you'll never speak to me again." The words tumbled out of Alice so happily, I couldn't help but smile. I hid it quickly from Bella.
"Oh, okay. You do know the rules, then." Bella almost grumped.
"Don't worry, Bella, it'll be perfect. Do you want to see your dress?" Alice trilled.
Bella took a deep breath, steadying herself. She didn't seem to want this, but steeled herself against the inevitable storm that was Alice. I had to wonder why, suddenly, Bella was letting the pixie have her way… Alice was smug. Of course, she'd expected it all along. We headed into the house.
Bella asked, carefully, "Alice, when did you get me a dress?" Uh, oh.
Alice became a bit vague – for good reason. "These things take time, Bella." Avoiding Bella's eyes, mentally pleading with me for help. She'd find none on my end – this was hers alone to deal with. I remained silent. Alice went on. "I mean, I wasn't sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility…" she trailed off a bit, still hoping for a rescue operation from me. Nope.
"When?" Bella demanded.
Alice's voice turned defensive now. "Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know. Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight. If I hadn't thought ahead, you'd be wearing something off the rack!" Horror of horrors, I thought sarcastically. If Bella was in it, I didn't really care what the dress looked like…or so I told myself. We headed up the stairs towards Alice and Jasper's room.
Bella blurted, "Per – who?"
"He's not a major designer, Bella, so there's no need to throw a hissy fit. He's got promise, though, and he specializes in what I needed." Alice threw a mental jab at me for not helping her out. I ignored it.
"I'm not throwing a fit," Bella pointed out.
Alice looked at her suspiciously. "No, you're not." Alice, too, was confounded by my love's attitude this morning. However, it wasn't going to stop her. Force of nature, indeed.
At Alice's door, my little sister ordered me out in no uncertain terms.
"Why?" Bella demanded. I agreed. I didn't want to let Bella out of my sight, now that I had her back, and I especially didn't want to abandon her to Alice's clutches. Especially when I had questions that needed answers.
"Bella," Alice groaned. "You know the rules. He's not supposed to see the dress till the day of."
Bella took another deep breath. What was going on in that little head? I started to fret.
"It doesn't matter to me. And you know he's already seen it in your head. But if that's the way you want it…" Bella sighed. Now I really began to fret.
"That's why I've been the only one to see it, and I've been careful not to think about it when he's around," Alice declared. Then she shoved me out of the doorway. I didn't take my eyes off of Bella, wishing I could hear if she really wanted me to stay. But I couldn't. Of course.
Alice shut the door in my face. And started reciting Robert Frost's poems – all of them. In Chinese. Little brat.
I went to my room, and changed clothes. I went to the bedside table and took out my mother's ring – Bella's ring. Looking at it, I decided to keep it with me at all times for here on out. With Bella, it paid to be prepared. And I needed to keep it close now, feeling its shape in my pocket; it was a solid reminder of our love, her promise, her choice. And I needed all the reminders I could get right now.
I tried to distract myself at first, with picking out music; Alice was bound to ask me what I wanted during the ceremony – and my heart did a little flip. My hand froze over the shelf of albums and CD's. Our wedding…in my fantasy, Bella floated to me in a cloud of white, taking my hand in front of the altar, declaring her love, her choice to all, binding herself willingly to me, allowing me to place my ring on her finger, smiling at me in joy. My smile at my imagined dream threatened to escape the confines of my face. But this was my fantasy…not Bella's. The worry wouldn't leave. I had to know why Bella, who hated being the center of attention, was suddenly allowing Alice this much leeway in the wedding plans. Although my love often surprised me, and I'd chided myself on many occasions to just stop having expectations when it came to Bella's thoughts and actions, this was just too out of character. I determined to find out.
Abruptly, I heard Alice's voice. "Thank you, Bella!" she trilled. Hmmm. I listened for Bella's voice and wasn't disappointed.
"How could you not see that one coming?" she laughed. "Some psychic you are!"
"I've got so much work to do! Go play with Edward. I've got to get to work." Alice was bouncing down the stairs yelling for Esme.
I waited in the hall for my Bella, leaning against the wall. What was going on? I caught the edge of Alice's excited thoughts – a dress. Not Bella's. Ah.
"That was very nice of you," I said.
"She seems happy," Bella agreed rather blandly. Then she trailed her fingertips across my cheeks, igniting the fire that always raged for her, the fire that had nothing to do with thirst and everything to do with hunger. Of the human variety. I fought off the temptation to capture one of her fingers in my mouth and...then Bella examined my eyes closely. Damn.
"Let's get out of here," I urged her fiercely, before she could say anything about me having been too long from the hunt. That could wait. It'd been too long since we'd been alone. And we needed to talk. "Let's go to our meadow."
She brightened. Ah, my love… "I guess I don't have to hide anymore, do I?"
"No, the danger is behind us." She took my hand and smiled. I kissed her briefly, and we left.
As we ran, with her clinging to my shoulders, I was pensive. I would have to be careful; Bella was good at editing her words for my benefit, too good. But I would get it out of her.
The meadow was picture perfect; flowers bloomed, but paled in comparison to my love. The clouds were a soft grey blanket, but I didn't notice. We lay back in the slightly damp grass for several moments, just holding hands. I listened to the heart that was my guide, my light, letting it set the rhythm of my breathing.
"August 13th?" I asked casually. She knew I didn't care about the date of our wedding, but I'd wondered about this stipulation. And I needed to start somewhere.
"That gives me a month till my birthday. I didn't want to cut it too close," she replied. Age, again. No hints about any of my other concerns. But it did give me a small opening – not that I held any hope that she'd listen.
"Esme is three years older than Carlisle – technically. Did you know that?" She shook her head. "It hasn't made any difference to them."
Serenely, she responded. "My age is not really that important, Edward," – huh? Since when? – "I'm ready. I've chosen my life – now I want to start living it." Conviction rang in her sweet voice. And my heart took wing; our life. Our life, because I'd just been existing before there was her. But I brought myself back to earth; I needed to know why she was going against her own nature.
Stroking her hair gently, I pressed, "The guest list veto?"
"I don't care, really, but I…" she hesitated. What didn't she want to share with me? I let love shine out of my eyes for her, encouraging her with my acceptance. She stuttered a bit through the rest. "I'm not sure Alice would feel the need to invite…a few werewolves. I don't know if…Jake would feel like…he should come. Like that's the right thing to do, or that I'd get my feelings hurt if he didn't. He shouldn't have to go through that."
For a minute, I was silent. She didn't look at me, instead inspected the treetops and sky. That she would want to spare Jacob this, I understood, even if I didn't totally agree…but why was she going through with it at all? She'd told me the truth…but it wasn't the whole truth. I'd had enough. I knew if I had her in my arms, I'd get more truth and less evading. I rolled onto my side, grabbed her waist and rolled back, pulling her body on top of mine – which responded quite distinctly - then held her head up to look into her eyes.
"Tell me why you are doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?" Bluntly. Maybe it would even work.
She recounted the conversation she'd had with Charlie the previous afternoon, when I'd gone to pick Carlisle up. How he'd felt some form of separation coming, and almost begged her to clue him in to any of her future plans. Charlie was more perceptive than I'd given him credit for – not as much as Renee, of course, but still perceptive. The whole graduation ceremony, and plans for college, of course, were probably influencing his perception of losing Bella too soon – but that made no difference. He would, after all, soon be losing her. And she'd been thinking about it too, apparently.
"It wouldn't be fair to keep Charlie out of this," Bella surmised. "And that means Renee and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it's way too early, I wouldn't want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle." Bella grimaced at this, but continued to be resigned. "At least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part of my choice, the most I'm allowed to tell them. They'll know I chose you, and they'll know we're together. They'll know I'm happy, wherever I am. I think that's the best I can do for them."
My mind spun while I searched her face. Didn't she tell me this morning she couldn't be self-sacrificing? And now here she was, planning to sacrifice her true happiness - literally on an altar. For the people in her life. And for me.
No more.
"Deal's off." Blunt again.
"What?" she gasped. "You're backing out? No!"
"I'm not backing out, Bella. I'll still keep to my side of the bargain. But you're off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached." I couldn't let her hurt herself again for me. I couldn't be the impetus for that hurt.
"Why?" Confused Bella.
"Bella, I see what you're doing. You're trying to make everyone else happy. And I don't care about anyone else's feelings. I only need you to be happy. Don't worry about breaking the news to Alice. I'll take care of it. I promise she won't make you feel guilty." Alice would forgive me…eventually.
"But I-," Bella stuttered. I couldn't allow her to continue – this had to stop.
"No. We're doing this your way. Because my way doesn't work. I call you stubborn, but look what I've done! I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you, though it's only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don't trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So." Never forgetting her prerequisite, I shifted underneath her, preparing to give her that happiness. To give us that happiness. My pants were already too tight, my body noting each and every curve of hers against it. I wondered if she noticed. My God, I wanted her so badly. Now. "We're doing it your way, Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I'll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it wouldn't be so bad. It's worth a try."
"Edward, no -," she tried.
I put a finger to her lips and pulling her head close, purred into her ear. "Don't worry, Bella. I haven't forgotten the rest of your demands." Her breath caught. It sent me over the edge.
I pressed my lips to hers and moved my hands to fist in her silky hair. I breathed in the heavenly scent that was Bella. My body rejoiced – MINE! NOW! FINALLY! My fantasy was coming true – I would make love to my Bella here in our meadow. It was perfection, like coming home after being lost and abandoned. I'd spent many an hour daydreaming about this very thing – although in the fantasies, she'd already been transformed. But as I kissed her, feeling electricity shooting through my body at each point mine met hers, I knew I could do this. The terror didn't rear up, the venom didn't fill my mouth, the thirst was the quiet burn, as it'd been since Italy - and I didn't stop. Her body responded to mine; she gripped my arms tightly – for her – with her hands and pressed herself against me. I tasted her lips with my tongue; her tongue darted out to meet mine and waves of pleasure hit me, sweeping through and centering far south of my cold heart. She breathed out a moan. I made her moan. I wanted to hear many more, I wanted to hear her call my name in ecstasy. I rolled gently, placing her body under mine, feeling her increasing warmth, letting our bodies touch, but not allowing her to feel my weight. Bella's heart began drumming out an urgent rhythm, calling to me. That scent, her aroused scent, knifed through me, driving me wild. All the suppressed passion of my existence was boiling to the surface, dictating that my hand skim her side, down to her hip, and around her waist to pull her closer. My hand under her back slipped past her shirt, and I spread my palm over the small of her back, feeling the silky smooth skin. The presence of our clothes was becoming a barrier – I wanted to feel all of her skin on as much of mine as possible. Her breathing hitched, so I moved my lips to her neck, allowing her to breathe. Now I didn't wonder in shame if she could feel the bulge of my erection through my jeans – I wanted her to feel what she did to me. I could do this…for her…my control didn't waver and I, for once, didn't worry about it. I felt absolutely in control. I knew what I wouldn't do to Bella; she'd been right, I wasn't capable of killing her, maiming her, I knew – and I also knew what I would do to her. For her. With her. Now.
When she'd caught a little of her breath back, I heard her voice. "Stop, Edward. Wait."
Stop? From the hollow of her throat, I whispered, "Why?" She always tasted so good there, and I was thinking about tasting the rest of her. Slowly.
Surprisingly, Bella said, "I don't want to do this now." Hadn't she been cajoling me just recently to do just this? 'You've provided this large and comfortable bed'…Taking me to the edge of reason and control with her pleading and temptation, and then sending me over that edge? Wasn't the compromise we'd made that night the catalyst that had brought us here?
"Don't you?" I smiled against her lips, breathing in her wild aroused scent.
She did the unthinkable. She pushed me away and I let her have a little space. I thought I would, to use her words, spontaneously combust. My breathing was ragged, just as much as hers. I looked into her eyes, willing her to give herself to me, to take me. Please. Take me.
"Why?" I almost growled. "I love you. I want you. Right. Now." She was speechless, and I used it. Shamelessly. She was mine, mine mine MINE! I kissed her breathless, my hungers overpowering everything else in my brain.
"Wait. Wait," she breathed against my lips.
"Not for me." Not any longer. No waiting.
"Please?" she gasped. That stopped me. It was probably the only thing that could at this point. I rolled off of her with a groan, and we lay on our backs, trying to calm our breathing. It took a fair minute. My mind slowly began to function logically again, as my straining erection slowly – very slowly - ebbed. What else would she change her mind about? Frustration boiled out.
"Tell me why not, Bella?" I demanded. "This had better not be about me." No longer would I condone any sacrifice made for me.
She looked at me seriously. "Edward, this is very important to me. I am going to this right."
"Who's definition of right?"
"Mine." Firm Bella.
I rolled onto an elbow to look fully into her face. "How are you going to do this right?" I asked, the suspicion evident in my voice.
She took a deep, steadying breath. "Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I will not leave Charlie and Renee without the best resolution I can give them. I won't deny Alice her fun, if I'm having a wedding anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. I'm following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. You're not going to budge me on this."
Staring into her eyes, I let the hunger rise again. "I bet I could," I purred, leaning in and breathing into her ear. She didn't have to do this…but the wedding fantasy again flooded my forebrain. Bella in a long white dress, smiling at me as she walked down the aisle…
"But you wouldn't now, not knowing that this is what I really need." She was convinced. Stubborn Bella. But damn…she was right. I pulled back a little and looked at her. My hungers were trounced and frustrated.
"You don't fight fair."
"I never said I did," she said with a grin. The little imp.
I gave up – with regret. "If you change your mind…" Oh, how I regretted…
"You'll be the first to know." A promise.
A few scattered raindrops fell upon her cheeks. She glowered at the sky for interrupting our time here in our meadow. I brushed the drops from her face.
"I'll get you home."
"Rain's not the problem." Grumbly Bella. "It just means that it's time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous."
I looked at her in surprise and alarm. What could she mean?
She sighed and said, "It's a good thing you're bulletproof. I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell Charlie."
My alarm fled to be replaced by elation. I laughed the face she made, thinking about telling her father. And because the little gold ring in my pocket began to burn.
"Highly dangerous," I agreed, still laughing. "At least there's no need to take a side trip." I reached into my pocket and brought out her ring.
I looked into her eyes as I slid it onto the ring finger of her left hand. Where it would stay.
Forever.