Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, and I would never write a fic like the ones that this fic is parodying.
A/N: Okay, you know those fics in which Sarah leaves Chuck to go back to the CIA? How about the ones that Sarah is still an agent and married to Chuck? Well they piss me off. And I'm sure I'm not the only one that gets pissed off by those fics. There are so many issues that are brought up in those stories that the authors refuse to discuss. So anyway, I thought as a means of making me feel better about it, kind of a venting session, if you will, I would write parody of all of those fics. I've started with three scenarios that in a perfect world would be the way those fics would play out. Or at least in an honest world. Okay, it's just meant to be funny, and make fun of those other fics. Anyway, I may add more to these, or I may not. It depends on what I read in Chuck fan fiction. I will continue to use this fic to vent my frustrations when some author decides it's time to shit on Chuck by way of making Sarah leave him, but not completely leave him to start anew. I would say I look forward to your reviews, but I honestly don't know how many of you will even bother, haha. But if you do take the time to review, I would appreciate it. Thanks!
Scenario 1
"Sarah, what's wrong?" Chuck asked. He could see that something was bothering her, and for once, he didn't think it was the fact that he often cried during sex.
"It's just – Chuck, I have to tell you something, and I don't know how you're going to take it."
"Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll get through it, together," Chuck said reassuringly.
"That's just it, though. We won't be together anymore. I'm going back to the CIA," Sarah answered him. Like ripping off a band aid. Fast and painless. Or maybe not, she thought, seeing the look of complete horror on Chuck's face.
"But – but," Chuck whimpered. "I thought you loved me?"
"I thought I did, too," Sarah said. "But apparently, I love my job way more than I love you. It's not close, really."
"When will you be back?" Chuck asked hopefully.
"I'm going back to being an agent, Chuck. I'm not going away to summer camp," she answered condescendingly.
"What am I supposed to do without you, though?" Chuck asked.
"You're supposed to keep living your life. Move on."
"But I love you. I'll wait for you to come back to me," he said.
"You can't do that, Chuck," Sarah said with a sigh. "I won't be coming back. You need to move on. Find someone else."
"No!" Chuck said sternly. "I'll wait, and one day, you'll realize that you want to be with me more than you want to be an agent, then we'll be together again."
"You're really going to wait for me Chuck? While I'm out killing, stealing, lying, and fucking everything that might have state secrets?"
Chuck winced. "Well, I mean, I don't like it, but I know that you're just doing what you have to do, and then one day, you'll be mine again."
"Chuck?" Sarah said.
"Yes, Sarah?"
"You're the best boyfriend ever. Can you do me a favor and close your eyes for a minute. I have a surprise for you," she said.
Chuck did as he was told, just like he always did. Sarah most certainly wore the pants in that relationship. And when his eyes were closed, Sarah produced a pistol from under her pillow, and blew Chuck's brains out. It was the humane thing to do. He needed to be put down, and Sarah, as someone who kind of loved him, just not nearly as much as she loved being an operative, needed to be the one to do it.
Scenario 2
Chuck heard a car pull up in the driveway, and he started to get excited. But he tried to temper his enthusiasm, as he had been fooled before. Then he heard the door open, and he became really excited, but he was still hesitant to let his happiness show. Then he heard her.
"Honey, I'm home!"
It was time to get excited.
"Oh I'm so happy to see you. I'm so happy you're alive, I was so worried."
"It's okay, honey, it was touch and go for a while but I made it through."
"Thank God."
They hug and kiss and revel in each other's presence. Sarah's feels compelled to tell Chuck about what she did because she promised to be honest with him. Sort of.
"Chuck...I can't tell you why, and I can't tell you what for or when, but I fucked three marks while I was gone. Don't worry, I made sure they used protection this time, I didn't want a repeat of last year.
"Oh it's okay, honey, I'm sure it was something you had to do."
"Thank you for understanding, Chuck. I mean, don't worry, babe, you're still the best, but sometimes a girl needs a little variety, know what I mean?"
"I understand and I'm just glad you're safe. How long until you leave again?"
"Oh...this Friday. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, I know you love your job. The kids and I will just have to find some way to keep ourselves happy in your absence."
"Thank you for being so understanding!"
Scenario 3
"Hey Chuckster, bitching party, bro," Devon said, slapping his brother-in-law on the shoulder.
"Yeah, thanks Awesome. It's always good to see you and Ellie."
"So Sarah? She's been home for like three weeks. What's up with that, bro? I don't think she's stayed around here that long since you guys got married. Well, I guess she did when she was toting around the triplets."
"Well, we didn't want to say anything," Chuck said with a sly smirk. "But we're going to have another one on the way."
"Oh," Devon said with obviously false enthusiasm. "That's great, Chuck. More Bartowski kids on the way." The Captain laughed awkwardly.
"What?" Chuck said, sensing something was up with Devon.
"It's just…do you think they'll actually be yours this time?" Devon asked.
"What are you talking about? Kobe 2, 3, and 4 are mine," Chuck said defensively.
"Chuck, dude," Devon sighed. "You don't think that there's something a little different about your kids?"
"Well, I mean, they're really athletic, but I figure they get that from Sarah."
"Chuck, your kids don't seem to have a little darker skin than you do?"
"Well, they get a lot of sun, and you know how much time I spend in the house."
Devon sighed again. "Whatever makes you happy, Chuckster."
A/N: You guys are awesome. Peace.