Bridezillas
By: Jupitrie
A/N: i know that driving while answering your phone is illegal. But let's face it, people do it anyway, as bad as it is.
Disclaimer: I don't own nuthin'
Summary: You can't escape the biggest, baddest monster in town...when you're her brides maid.
Buttercup remembered her keys before walking down the steps of the apartment. She pocketed them in her purse before walking across the street, and hopped into the beat up, sky blue punch bug. She adjusted her mirror, buckled herself in, and then started up the car.
Just as she was pulling out of the parallel parking spot, the car—with it's engine still running—suddenly felt like it hit a giant crowbar, as it was slowly being elevated off the ground. Buttercup glanced at her rear-view mirror and calmly turned off her engine. She waited with crossed arms for the man that had literally stopped the car with his bare hands, to put the bumper down, and walk around the car.
"-Da' fuck are you doin'?" the passanger seat's door was flung open by an angry looking man dressed only in teal boxers.
"Driving." Buttercup said in a defensive tone. They both wore the same 'What the fuck?' look on their faces.
The man snorted, and leaned inward. "Yeah. Where to?"
"Madagascar. What the hell? Where do you think I'm driving to? Townsville, you moron! I've got that wedding to get to."
"Wha! You're getting married?" the man stumbled backward. Shock and hurt mingled on his face.
"No, you idiot! My sister is! I told you, like, fifteen times this past week alone!"
"Heh, oh...right! Which one?" he asked, a stupid grin on his face.
"Were you listening to me at all? Quick, what's one thing I said yesterday. Anything." Buttercup demanded.
His reply was a dashing smile. "Good morning." He lifted his eyebrow, "Lov-er."
"Ugh." Buttercup started the car again. "I can't believe I'm driving this dump over there. I can't get away from you fast enough."
"Yeah, why are you borrowing Mr. McNoy's crummy car anyway?"
"I need to pick up grandpa on the way there. And he's too fragile to fly. Can you please shut the door?" Buttercup snapped toward the man.
"Wait, why wasn't I invited?"
"Why weren't you invited— " Buttercup repeated his question under her breath before gesturing toward him. "You're like...a concentrated dose of asshole from all the dicks in the world shoved into one being. And besides, Blossom hates you."
"Ohhhh, so it's Blossom's wedding."
"Ugh." Buttercup spat in disgust. "Just close the door."
"Sure thing, babes."
Buttercup felt the telltale push of wind that followed after a car door closed, but she also felt another presence in the car. Closed her eyes and sucked in a calm, meditative breath.
"Get out." She was proud of herself to have said it in a level voice.
"Whaaaa?"
"No, seriously Butch! I don't have time for this today. GET OUT!"
"B-B-but..." Butch put a hand over his wounded heart. "I want to go."
"No you don't! You weren't even listening when I was talking about the wedding! Can you get your ass out?" she punctuated the end of her sentence with a shove.
"Hey, hey, hey." Butch said suddenly stern and grabbed Buttercup's wrist that came at him. "If you put another dent in this car, I'mma gonna get my cane and whip you so hard."
"That's not even Mr. McNoy's accent." Buttercup critiqued. She leaned back in the drivers seat, "But you make a valid point. No more dents in the car? Fine! I'll just never drive with you anymore! GET OUUUUT!" she shouted toward Butch.
"Heh. What would you do if Mr. McNoy really did whip you. I'd pay hefty sums to watch that." Butch chortled. "'Ohhh! Mr. McNoy! Harder!'" he said, imitating a girly voice.
Buttercup whipped her hand back and slapped him hard across the face.
"HEY!" Butch started to laugh madly like a maniac.
As they started a small, but harmful fist-fight/arm wrestle in a borrowed car, Buttercup had successfully leaned over and tugged open the passenger door while also get her legs out of from underneath the dash board. Several huffing, and shoving later, Butch's ass had managed to slide off his seat- and he was slipping out of the car. What saved Buttercup was when his boxers started to slip as well.
Just as Butch noticed that half of his uncovered ass was now basically brushing the pavement below the car, he finally let go of the parts of the car that was keeping him inside to try to hoist his shorts up. Buttercup saw this as her only opening, and the minute Butch tried to hover and fix his boxers, she floored it.
"Haha." She laughed dryly and leaned over to shut the door while taking a crazy illegal left turn. She glanced at her rear-view mirror and was able to catch the last glimpse of Butch rolling on the concrete, his boxers now completely down to his ankles. "God, what a looser." She snorted.
She was expecting a green flash any second now, and kept a vigilant eye on the road, the mirrors, and especially the skies. But ten minutes into the drive, Buttercup felt all of her tension leave her body. She even subconsciously turned on the radio.
She heard her phone vibrate and leaned forward a bit to shuffle around in her purse. She dug out her phone and pressed it to her ear.
"What?" was her customary phone-greeting.
"Did you pick up grandpa, yet?" Bubble's voice asked.
"I'm doing that right now." Buttercup sighed.
"You're still not there yet?"
"I'm driving." Buttercup reminded. "So yeah, I'm not there yet!" she snapped with irritation.
"Ok. Oh. Buttercup, I have some bad news..."
"Ugh, please. I can't take anymore." Buttercup hissed. She took a deep breath and finally hissed, "What is it?"
"Blossom wants all the brides maids to wear pink. No exceptions."
"WHAT?" Buttercup swerved, almost clipping a biker. She took ragged breaths and shook her head. "Tell me your joking. Bloss said the maids of honor could wear the colors they want."
"Yeah, well...you know Blossom, she had another bridezilla fit last night. And one of the things that changed was our dress color. I just picked ours up from the store. It...actually looks nice. And BC you totally have the eye color for this dress, it's going to be ok—"
But Buttercup already cut her sister off with an unwavering, blood-curdling scream.
She screamed her lungs out for the remainder of the phone conversation and even after Bubbles hung up. She only realized she was still screaming until she finally parked the car in front of Grandpa Utonium's house.
She slowly peeled her hands off of the steering wheel and winced as she noticed that she had squeezed it so hard that she left actual grip-marks. She took another deep, meditative breath. She remembered what her zen master had taught her. She had to keep in control. Getting mad over a silly dress was beneath her. She'd dressed in sillier dresses before. She always survived.
Besides, it wasn't like anybody she intended on impressing was going to be at the wedding. Just relatives and a few girlfriends. Buttercup wasn't afraid of being a girl. Yeah! So what if she had to wear pink? Pink was just a color.
A completely unflattering color in her opinion...but it was just one day.
Buttercup calmed herself down, and reminded herself that this was Blossom's day. And although that sister of hers drove her up the wall, she was still her sister. She couldn't be selfish.
And look at the bright side! She got to pick up grandpa Utonium! She loved that crazy ol' nut!
She quickly zipped toward her grandpa's house and rang the doorbell.
The door opened.
"Grandpaaa..." Buttercup trailed off.
She narrowed her eyes as someone who definitely wasn't her grandpa, opened her grandfather's front door.
"What. The. FUCK!" she screeched.
Butch gave her a dashing grin on the other side of the doorway. "You like?" he asked, gesturing his dressed up body. He didn't really 'suit up' but he was wearing a blazer and some pants. A significant improvement.
"You can't come. That's final, Butch." Buttercup said.
"Aw why NOT!" Butch whined.
"Where's grandpa?" Buttercup sighed.
"Is that my granddaughter I hear?"
"Your favorite granddaughter!" Buttercup corrected smartly, seeing the old croon coming into view pushing the stick to his mobile chair. She zipped passed Butch and hugged her grandpa Utonium and even gave him a peck on the cheek.
"Oh, you look beautiful, dear." Grandpa quickly complimented.
"Oh, ha." Buttercup brushed a nervous hand through her hair. "No, grandpa— I didn't even shower yet. I'm going to dress up at home with Bubbles and-"
"Well you still look absolutely beautiful. My poor John. He must worry about you all the time— you're living alone now, aren't you?" Grandpa patted Buttercup's blushing cheeks.
"Grandpa." Buttercup rolled her eyes. "I can take care of myself just fine." She then pulled away and frowned. "Talking about safely living alone; why did you let Butch into your house, Grandpa? You know you have valuables in plain sight."
Her grandfather chuckled. "He found a way in, I suppose. But you don't have to worry, he hasn't stolen anything that I'm aware of."
"Oh grandpa." Buttercup said in a voice full of pity, "You're so naive." She floated behind him and started to push his wheel chair out the door.
Butch, however, blocked her path.
"You can't go through until you make me your plus one."
Buttercup sighed and closed her eyes. "Butch, I didn't want to tell you this, but I already have a plus one."
Butch rolled his eyes, "Pya right. Who?"
"Mitch." Buttercup shrugged.
"MITCH? YOU MEAN MITCHEL MITCHELSON?"
"Lower your voice!" Grandpa snapped.
"Yeah, Butch! Lower your voice!" Buttercup frowned. "And yeah, Mitch! Remember you said you didn't want to go to some 'dumb old wedding'. And since Mitch is a fun dance partner, I just thought— why the hell not? Besides he and the groom are distant friends. It's going to be great." She smiled, but then stopped smiling quickly to say, "So move it."
"B-but, Buttercup." Butch whimpered.
"No buts! MOVE!" Buttercup ordered.
"Ahhh, why don't we just invite him? He seems to really want to come-" Grandpa was starting to cave.
"Grandpa, no!" Buttercup hissed.
"Oh GRANDPAPA!" Butch was already aware that the grandfather was his ticket into the wedding before Buttercup could cart her grandfather away. "Thank your merciful heart! Yes! Yes! I would like to be your plus one!"
"Ah, lad, it's no problem. I'm sure Mrs. Utonium won't mind. Haha, she's probably up there shaking her head at us right now." Joked grandpa. Buttercup covered her face promptly to scream into herself. She didn't even realize Butch cutting in front of her to help roll her grandfather toward the car until Butch was waving at her from inside the driver's seat to hurry the fuck up.
Buttercup was not a happy maid of honor, that's for sure.
She got into the passenger's seat. Fought with her seat belt roughly before buckling up, and glanced at a giddy Butch.
"I've never been invited to a wedding before!" he said happily as he started the engine. "I've crashed a few of them. That was always fun."
"You better drive safely, maniac." Buttercup warned. "My grandpa is fragile." When she didn't get a response from her grandfather, she looked at the back seat and frowned. "Wait, where is grandpa?"
"I really like leaning back while I drive, and if gramps was in the back, he wouldn't get no leg room...So I put him in the trunk." Butch shrugged.
There was a long pause before Buttercup bitch-slapped him again.
"Buttercup!"
Buttercup got out of the driver's seat and slammed the door roughly before turning to address the woman that was marching toward her. The woman was none other than her sister, and bride-to-be, Blossom Utonium. She wasn't dressed yet, but had obviously finished taking her shower for she had a towel wrapped in a turbine around her head.
"Buttercup, all I asked was for you to pick up grandpa before coming— and you still managed to be late." Blossom shook her head in disbelief. "How did you ever do it?" she said in a nasty, sarcastic tone.
Buttercup turned scarlet in a second, her lips thinned, and she drew in a breath to scream again, but suddenly the woman slapped a hand over her own mouth.
"I'm sorry." Blossom sighed. "Buttercup, I'm sorry. That was wrong of me." She hissed at herself and shook her head. Buttercup gave her a strange look in return before Blossom suddenly hugged her. "Thank you, is what I meant. Thanks. I know this is annoying for you."
But while Blossom hugged her sister-she noticed someone pulling her grandfather out of the car and recoiled in shock.
"What...in the world, is he doing here?" Blossom asked, pointing a shaky finger toward the green Ruff.
"Making me late, is one thing." Buttercup said in a huff. "Literally, he fought tooth and nail just to come along. I tried to shake him off but-"
Blossom already understood and was walking toward the green man.
"Listen, you-" Blossom said standing in front of the ruff with her hands on her hips.
"Oh helloooo~!" Butch smiled back, rubbing his hands together. "Is this the lovely bride-to-be?" he turned to Buttercup, "Are weddings like birthdays where you can, like— pinch or kiss the bride how many times you like?"
"No." Blossom replied back through gritted teeth. "Look, what are you here for exactly?"
Butch started to hum the wedding march.
"No, you're not." Blossom said gently. "Because you see...I really dislike you. And you know that I dislike you. And you know that making me irritated amuses Buttercup, which in a sweet sense, you trying to do, but on the cost of MY WEDDING DAY." She whispered harshly. "So you could be here for two possible reasons. One, either to annoy the living hell out of my maids of honor and me, who has a lot on their plate already-" suddenly Blossom snapped toward Buttercup. "Why aren't you getting dressed?" Buttercup huffed and rolled her eyes—wheeling grandpa away. "Or two-" Blossom continued, just as she thought Buttercup's super-hearing range was clear. "Brick sent you."
Butch looked cool and collected as he rested his arm on the hood of Mr. McNoy's car.
"Now why would you think that?" Butch asked casually.
"I swear, if it's the latter, heads will roll. Especially yours." Blossom hissed.
"Sweet, sweet, pinkette." Butch smiled. "I'm here to annoy the living daylights out of Buttercup." he said in one breath, "Are you happy now? Also, did you know her plus one is Mitch? Funny right? Last time I checked, I think I was the one who was considered her 'plus one', what with the fact that I fucking rock, her, world. Every god damn time she asks too. Even when she doesn't ask. I rock, her— Hey! Wait! Where are you going!" Butch yelled after Blossom, who was running back toward her house. "God damn it." Butch slammed his car door shut. "Nobody listens to me. Rude."
To be continued...