Disclaimer; I do not own HP. Or most of the things on this list. I found the list on DeviantArt, and it belongs to her. Also, other things can be contributed to AVPM/AVPS. I just write the funny things. Or I TRY.

A/N: this is just a crackfic on things I think should be in Harry Potter. It's random and sometimes just wrong. No doubt I'll get a big load of flames for this, but meh…

Please note: This story is being REVAMPED! I decided to work on this story again and to make it better, by removing all of the errors it had and go from there. Suggestions are encouraged! I will try to write it, I promise.

Chapter 1: Groping is fun.

The Malfoy home was quiet, a lone voice daring to break the silence.

"Will the Ministry have fallen, Yaxley?" Voldemort inquired. He and his followers were standing in the Dining Room, a circle formed around the only unhooded figure there – Voldemort.

Yes, my lord." One of the hooded figures answered. The figure to Voldemort's immediate left's robe lifted a third of a millimeter, her hand searching for her master's. Voldemort, on the other hand, noticed it and started to sweat like the crazy person he was.

"Good. And the school, Severus?" He asked the figure to his immediate right, trying to keep his voice at the high intimidation it was used to and not the squealing type of high.

The hand glided up his arm. He wanted to shiver, but suppressed it: he was the bloody Dark Lord, he couldn't be intimidated by Bellatrix's greasy hands. Even if they were gross.

"Yes, my lord, only purebloods, as you asked." The sneering voice of everyone's favourite Potions professor said with a stiff bow. Wow, okay, he was obviously not the only one uncomfortable here as he felt the small hand move to his back under his robe. Ewwwww.

"That is good. You have accomplished your task well, Severus." He tried to think rationally, but the circles being drawn on his back was surely making grease stains and it was just weird. Gross. Gross gross gross...

The hand moved down. What was odd to the Dark Lord was that no one was seeing this – or they saw it, but didn't move to stop it. He would have their heads!

"Thank you, my lord." Severus bowed stiffly again. He looked at Severus, attempting to plead but only managed to look like he had cramps.

The greasy hand had quickly moved to his groin, and a high-pitched, very girly, scream could be heard for miles around.

One very embarrassed Lord Voldemort was glaring at Bellatrix's figure. The latter looked like she had just stolen the remaining Longbottom's sanity.

"For goodness' sake, Bellatrix! Stop. Groping. Me! Just… just go stand over there…" He shivered, "And for the love of everthing good, wash your hands every once in a while!"

He pointed to a place opposite him, and far away from him. Bellatrix did as she was told, even if she wore a gruesome scowl under the mask. She did wash her hands; it wasn't her fault Snape's shampoo was on the basin and she had mistaken it for hand washing soap.

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