Title: Chances lost and gained
Beta: The wonderful lj user="goat_dono"
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Bleach - however, I do own many of the wrongs :D
Warnings/themes: m/m, angst, UST
Word Count: 13,749 in total
Summary: As one of the most accomplished students at the Academy, Hisagi Shuuhei is used to helping others where he can. However, when he is assigned his newest extra-curricular project with a certain first-year student, he starts to seriously re-think his commitment.
Abarai Renji is hotheaded, arrogant and seriously lacking in the kidō department – and that's without mentioning the Other Incident that happened in the real world.
As the two students start to spend more time together, it transpires that there is more to their relationship than first thought – but will they act on the opportunities, or will they become just another lost chance?
Chapter one – 4,262 words
…
"Abarai Renji, are you even listening to me?"
The voice of the teacher rang out in the kidō courtyard and around the walls, making it sound even louder than it was. Together, the other students in the group turned round to look at their classmate, whose face was almost the same shade of red as his hair, as he scuffed his feet on the ground and muttered to himself.
"What was that, Abarai?"
"I said, I am listening to you, Yamazaki-sensei!" Renji threw his head up defiantly and stared at the teacher, who sighed audibly.
"Then please tell me, Abarai, why you are unable to follow any directions I give you and continually fail to perform Shakkahō with any sense of direction or control?"
Renji's gaze faltered and dropped briefly to the floor, before rising back up to stare at the back wall. He took in a deep breath and tried not to roll his eyes. "I don't know, Yamazaki-sensei."
"Well, it seems that you are in need of some further coaching. I will assign you an extra-class teacher to help you grasp the workings of kidō more effectively so that you have a hope of passing the final-year exams next month. Please await further instructions from me," the teacher said, quite obviously relieved that he would be able to hand the underachiever over to someone else.
Suddenly, the bell rang loud and clear in the main building and the class moved almost as one. Pushing and shoving each other out the way of the exit, the noise grew as other students welcomed the end of the day.
"Man, he's really got it in for you!"
The voice made Renji turn around and he gave a half-smile as he saw his friend and classmate, Kira Izuru, walking towards him with a lopsided grin on his face. "Yeah, well…" Renji's face fell and he scowled slightly as they both made their way through the door to the outside.
Izuru laughed. "Well, we can't all be good at everything, and you wipe the floor with me in combat, so maybe this is my chance to shine above you!" He nudged Renji with an elbow. "C'mon, get that look off your face and let's get back to the dorm. Anything's better than hanging out here for longer than necessary!"
Renji shot his friend a grin and nodded. "Agree with you on that one," he said as they made their way outside the training ground. Hitching his bag onto his shoulder, he laughed as he glanced up at the clear sky and set off at a run.
"Last one to the dorm washes up for a week!"
…
Hisagi Shuuhei honestly enjoyed helping out other students at the Academy. It made him feel useful and worthy and he liked having the younger students look up to him. It did sometimes made him feel a bit awkward, as though people were staring at him, but generally, he enjoyed using his skills and talents to help others. He'd never had any problem taking the lead for a mission or offering back-up or just lending another pair of hands. Even after the recent incident in the real world where the party he was leading were attacked by a group of Hollow they hadn't expected, he still tried to believe it was his duty to help when he could
Which is why he found himself in the office of kidō teacher Yamazaki Satoru the next morning.
"Hisagi, you have shown yourself to be a worthy and dependable student of this Academy and, as such, I have a new project for you. There is a student in my class who is not fulfilling what I consider to be his potential, and I believe that a little extra tuition might be what he needs. I would like you to undertake an initial assessment of him, to be followed up by one or two sessions a week if necessary – all under my guidance, of course."
Shuuhei nodded, bowing slightly. "It would be an honor, Sensei, to help you, but why choose me? If it's not too forward…," he asked, hesitantly.
The teacher nodded, absently looking over the pile of papers on the desk in front of him. "Of course, of course. You are, as you are probably aware, one of my best senior level students. In addition, I believe you have had contact with the student recently – a boy by the name of Abarai Renji."
Shuuhei blinked. "Uh, Yamazaki-sensei…" he trailed off as the teacher waved a hand at him.
"I'm sure you will do fine, Hisagi. Please evaluate Abarai today, and report back to me this evening." An order, rather than a question, that couldn't be refused.
"Yes, Yamazaki-sensei!" Shuuhei bowed and turned to leave the room. As the door swung shut behind him, he leant against the wall and closed his eyes.
...
Shuuhei ducked in surprise as a burst of kidō shot past him into one of the decorative pillars to the side of the practice yard, which responded to the blast by exploding. He blinked and looked up at Renji, who had jumped back in shock himself and was looking back at his teacher awkwardly.
"Uh… I didn't mean to do that," he said, unnecessarily, and bit his lower lip.
Shuuhei raised an eyebrow. "Well, I would hope not Abarai; otherwise I would be holding you up against charges of wilfully destroying Academy property!" He saw the student's eyes widen and sighed. "It's ok, I'm not going to report you."
The relief on Renji's face was almost comical. "Thank you, Hisagi-senpai," and he bowed briefly.
Shuuhei rolled his eyes, making sure the other student didn't see him, and sighed. "Abarai, are you actually doing badly on purpose?" he asked in all seriousness as he walked over to where the other student was standing, and he was surprised to see a flush of red creep across Renji's face as he lowered his eyes and spoke through gritted teeth.
"No, Senpai." Renji hesitated, and then carried on quietly, his words bitter and angry. "I don't actually like to fail at anything, purposefully or not." He clenched his fists by his side, hating how frustrated he felt and glad that no one else was around during their session. It was humiliating enough that he had to go through all this, but having Hisagi as his teacher, after what they had gone through during their excursion in the real world, and how useless Renji had felt... Being shown up in front of someone he admired was not high on Renji's list of things to do.
"You are far too tense." Shuuhei said, frowning, as he watched Renji struggle to keep his frustration under control. Kidō wasn't something you could do without control and focus – both of which were obviously painfully absent in this case.
"Yeah, well… If I wasn't so bad at this, I wouldn't be tense," Renji shot back, angrily, then sighed. "I don't know why you're wasting your time." He went to pick up his bag and leave, too frustrated and angry to concentrate anymore.
"Do you think you won't get better?" Shuuhei said, as he walked over to Renji and grabbed his arm. "So you're going to run away and not try? I don't believe you're that kind of person."
Renji looked up into his tutor's eyes and swallowed nervously as they held their gaze. It felt as though they had been there forever, the silence heavy between them. After a moment, Renji swallowed loudly.
"Uh, Senpai… I, umm… I wanted to say, thank you." He pulled back and bowed his head in deference, eyes to the floor.
Shuuhei looked confused, as the tension was broken. "Thank you for what, Abarai?"
"For giving up your time for me, Senpai, and also… also, for that day." Renji replied, the words coming quickly, as though expressing gratitude was an alien concept.
Shuuhei gave a wry smile. "For someone as rebellious as you, you seem very wary of authority."
Renji looked up, surprised. He went to speak and then bit back the words that had been about to come out and they stood in silence for a few moments, Renji looking at the ground awkwardly.
"Why did you join the Academy, Renji?" Shuuhei asked, suddenly, aware it was quite a personal question but unable to stop himself from asking the student who seemed so at odds with the academic system as a whole.
"To become stronger. To protect those I care about." The answer came automatically. Renji thought of those in his past; the friends he lost in Rukongai, of Rukia... of all the things he had felt powerless to change in his life until now.
Shuuhei's voice suddenly broke into his thoughts. "Ah. Whatever you were thinking of there - that is your resolve. Hold onto it when you work, whatever you are doing, and you'll find your answer." He moved back behind Renji where he had been standing previously, out of the line of fire. "Shall we try one more time?"
Renji nodded, and braced himself. Breathing deeply, he focused on the target at the other end of the area and brought up an image in his mind of himself succeeding as he recited the incantation yet again.
For a moment, nothing happened, and he was convinced he'd done something wrong again. He was about to break his stance when he suddenly felt something pull from deep inside him and, before he could blink, a ball of red flame shot out from his hands and across the courtyard, hitting the target full-on before it exploded in a shower of sparks. He squinted at the target against the low afternoon sun. "Ha!" Renji shouted, grinning, and then remembered he wasn't alone. Affecting an air of indifference again, he turned to Shuuhei who was grinning himself.
"Well done – I only ducked slightly that time!" and laughed at the look Renji threw back at him. "I think we can leave it here – next time, we aim for three of those!"
Renji just sighed in return.
…
By the third session at the end of the week, Renji realized that he was actually starting to improve. Not by a great amount – the vast majority of the class could still beat him without thinking – but he could at least form a good number of his attempts and they tended to go where he wanted them. Mostly.
"Congratulations, Abarai!" Shuuhei smiled as the third consecutive Shakkahō hit its intended target.
Renji didn't try to hide his grin this time. Maybe he could achieve his goal, after all – not that he was likely to become any great kidō expert any time soon, but it was nice to know he was heading in at least the right direction. He had to admit that being taught by someone he'd already fought alongside, albeit rather unintentionally, also gave him a sense of respect and pride that he probably would've have had if he had been working with anyone else. As they both made their way to the exit, Renji cleared his throat.
"Uh, Senpai?" he asked, almost hesitantly. The tone of voice made Shuuhei look up from where he was, his hand just resting on the door to the outside area.
"Yes, Abarai?"
Renji looked a little awkward for a moment, and then looked up boldly. "Senpai, I was wondering if you would like to join us for a drink tonight." The words came out so quickly that Shuuhei had to take a moment to process the words. When he did, he hesitated. By the use of "us", he assumed that Renji meant that Kira and Hinamori would be there also. Not that he had anything against either of the other two students, but it would make it hard to avoid thinking about that which he had spent so long trying to ignore – though maybe it was time to face it and stop running. He had to admit, however, that the teaching sessions with Renji had given him something new to look forward to, and for the first time since that day, he had actually felt as though he had a purpose. That in itself was something valuable, and it would be nice to go out - and although he wasn't one to socialise often, surely it wouldn't be too bad to have just the one drink.
"Very well - thank you for your offer." Shuuhei smiled awkwardly in return, and Renji grinned back. "I'll meet you in the hall later."
…
After the second – or was it the third? – flask of saké, Shuuhei decided it really was time to leave. Hinamori had left them over an hour ago, citing a test in the morning that she still had to revise for, even though they all knew she'd pass it without even trying. Kira had met up with some of his other friends, who had joined them at their table, and Shuuhei had to admit that he'd had a much better evening than he expected.
The announcement of his departure brought forth calls and good-natured jeers, which he rebuffed gently with a smile. He stood up, stretched the kinks out of his cramped muscles and went to leave. He had just about reached the door when a voice came from behind him.
"Senpai?"
Shuuhei almost didn't hear it, the voice was so quiet. He glanced over his shoulder to see Renji, looking thoughtful, then lowered his hand and moved away from the door, wondering what was on his student's mind. "Abarai?"
Renji looked uncomfortable as his bit his lower lip and glanced away briefly. "Uhh, Senpai – could I walk back to the dormitories with you?"
Shuuhei looked at him curiously, and then shrugged. "If you'd like. But I thought you were staying with your friends." He inclined his head over to the table they had just left. "Won't they think you're a lightweight if you leave now?" he asked, with a small smile on his face.
He got a vague shrug in response. "Ah, I don't really care what that lot think of me. They're only interested in girls and saké anyways…"
"And you're not?" Hisagi asked, amused, as they made their way out into the cool night air, the sound of the continuing party dulling to a low noise as the door swung shut behind them.
Renji shivered involuntarily at the drop in temperature, and pulled his top around him as he spoke, "They're amongst my list of things I care about, but certainly not at the top." They made their way along the part back to the dormitories – the younger students shared a room, six or eight beds in one dorm, and the further up the school they got, the smaller a room they were given. All the final year private rooms were on the top floor, and all the first years were convinced that the private rooms were luxurious beyond imagination.
"Well, I suppose this is where we say good night!" Shuuhei said, and started to walk away towards the building. After a few steps, he realized that Renji wasn't moving and, instead, was standing still, staring off towards the building. "Abarai?"
Renji looked up. "Huh?" He blinked.
"Are you ok? You seem… distracted." As he said it, he realized that it was true – not just now, but for most of the evening, the younger student had seemed less exuberant than usual.
Renji shook his head. "I'm fine…," he said, again with a rather vacant tone to his voice, and Shuuhei spoke before really thinking about it.
"Would you like to come up?"
"Huh?" Renji looked back at his teacher. "Where?"
Shuuhei had to stop himself from blinking in surprise. He hadn't really meant to ask that – at least, he didn't think he had – but now it was out, he couldn't renege on it now. "Uhh, I meant… You look a little distracted, thought maybe it was to do with the lessons and maybe you wanted to talk?" The logic wasn't perfect, but it was good enough as an explanation. Not that he was expecting Renji to take him up on it anyways.
"Hey, cool. I get to see the senior's rooms!" Renji's usual grin was back on his face, and it took a few moments for Shuuhei to realize his offer had been accepted, so sure he'd been that it would've been refused. "Come on then – it's chilly out here!" Renji stamped his feet to demonstrate the fact.
"Uh, of course." Shuuhei shook his head slowly as he walked up to the main door to the rooms, and wondered what had gotten into him.
…
"So then, Kira managed to lose his footing on the floor, tripped over his own hakama and fell on his ass!" Renji threw his head back and laughed loudly as he slumped against the back of the futon, sake mug in one hand and the other holding onto the mattress for support.
Shuuhei smiled in response, leaning back against the back of the futon himself, and took a sip of his own drink. He wasn't drunk in the slightest, though he could tell by Renji's flushed face and chaotic speech that the younger student was definitely well on his way there. He felt a small stab of guilt that he shouldn't really be getting a younger student drunk, but he also realized that, for the first time in a long while, he was actually having fun. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice Renji look at him strangely.
"Senpai?" Renji's voice broke through, and Shuuhei blinked.
"Uh, sorry..." he apologized, blushing slightly. It wasn't like him to be so rude, especially in company. He glanced out the window. "Umm, maybe it's time for you to get back to your dorm?" he said, hesitantly. Although there were no classes tomorrow, he thought that Renji would want to get back to his friends and out of the company of the older student who had been giving him extra lessons. He looked over at Renji, and saw him looking out the window himself.
"Uh, I thought… I mean, could I stay here tonight, Senpai?" Renji asked, as the words came out so fast that it took a moment for the other man to decipher them.
"Huh?" Shuuhei looked at Renji in surprise, and saw the younger student sitting on his knees on the futon, staring at the floor so hard that he was surprised it hadn't burst into flames under a gaze that strong, and his face almost the same color as his bright red hair. If he didn't know better, Shuuhei would've sworn the younger student was nervous.
Suddenly, Renji stood up. "I'm sorry, please, Senpai. Forget I said anything!" he bowed quickly, and all but ran across the small room to the door. As he reached out to open the door, he felt a hand close around his wrist, and he looked up in surprise into Shuuhei's face.
"What? Let me go!" Renji said, angrily, trying to turn out of the hold, which his captor blocked easily. After some resistance, he stopped trying to escape and instead stood facing Shuuhei, his head down, teeth clenched angrily as his hand was held captive. They stood in silence for a few moments, until Shuuhei reached out to place his hand underneath Renji's chin to tilt his head up so that they locked eyes.
"Talk to me, Renji," was all he said. "I know there's something in there trying to get out. You've been distracted all day. You can tell me, I'm your friend." As the words came out, he realized it was true; he really did like the crazy kid in front of him, and couldn't let him leave when there was obviously something so wrong.
Renji just scowled back in return. "Why? There's no point. I'm just being stupid. Again." He made no move to leave, though, and Shuuhei took this as an invitation.
"No point in what, Renji?" he asked, softly, as he let go of Renji's arm, trusting him not to run. As he'd hoped, Renji stood where he was, still breathing hard and his face flushed with effort, alcohol and…
And what?
Shuuhei realized his hand was still under Renji's chin, and he noticed that the redhead was leaning his head onto it, his eyes half-closed.
"I'm weak. I want to be strong, but I'm only weak." The words came out quiet and bitter and harsh, and Renji gave a short laugh. "Sorry, Senpai. I'm apologizing again," and he turned to leave again. Just as he reached out a hand towards the handle, Renji felt himself spun around and pushed against the door, and before he could say anything, he felt lips press against his, his mouth covered and the words he was going to say were swallowed.
Suddenly, Shuuhei pulled back and turned away, breathing hard, his face flushed and full of surprise at himself. It had been a long time – far too long – since he had done anything so reckless, and he felt a flash of guilt and embarrassment. "I-I'm sorry," he started, face flushed. "I'm sorry, I didn't… I mean… Please, you can go. I'm sorry."
Renji just stood there, staring, his face unreadable. "Did you mean that?" he asked, quietly, as they both stood in the room, the dim light from the solitary lantern on the table behind them casting flickering shadows across them.
"What does it matter? I apologize. I am sorry for my actions. If you want our classes to stop, I understand." Shuuhei couldn't look up, couldn't catch Renji's eyes. He had been stupid, so foolish and impatient, acting like a child rather than the man he had thought he was. He lowered his head in shame.
"Well, it's just… if you meant that, then I would do this," Renji stepped forwards, and grabbed a fistful of Shuuhei's top as he bent down to bring their mouths together, hard and awkwardly. They broke apart after a few moments, and Shuuhei looked up at Renji in surprise.
"Wha-?" Shuuhei started, but didn't quite manage to complete what he was trying to say before Renji broke in.
"Way I see it, you can either kick me out now or let me stay!" The grin was back on his face, albeit a little less confident than usual, and Renji slouched back against the wall affecting an air of indifference.
Shuuhei blinked, rooted to the spot with confusion. He knew he should say no, throw the kid out, and visit Yamazaki-sensei first thing tomorrow to tell him that the arrangement was off, that he couldn't do it anymore - but for some reason, he didn't.
Renji took the hesitation as acceptance, and pushed himself off the wall to step forward towards Shuuhei. Unfortunately, the momentum was stronger than either of them expected, and they staggered backwards a few steps until the back of Shuuhei's ankles caught the edge of the futon. He fell backwards onto the mattress, taking Renji with him, landing on his ass with a groan of pain before Renji ended up almost on top of him, legs straddling him so that he was all but sitting on Shuuhei's lap. They looked at each other, eyes connecting, and Shuuhei had just enough time to register how clear and bright Renji's eyes were before he felt him forwards and their mouths connected again. Shuuhei moaned involuntarily, and Renji responded as their bodies met. As they pulled apart, Shuuhei sucked in a breath and shook his head.
"We – I – can't do this!" he said, desperately, trying to keep a clear head as he felt Renji's hands wander down his chest between skin and material, fingers brushing over skin, and he sucked in a breath.
Renji just looked at him. "Says who?" He tweaked the sensitive flesh between his fingers and Shuuhei was embarrassed to hear the noise that came out of his mouth.
Why couldn't he just tell Renji to stop? Why couldn't they both see what a bad idea this was? His thoughts stopped suddenly as he realized where Renji's hand was going.
"No! Wait!" he almost shouted, as he tried to get up from underneath. Renji stopped, pulled back slightly and their eyes met. Shuuhei swallowed nervously. "I haven't… I mean, I don't… Just, not yet," he finally decided on, and Renji looked worried as he jerked backwards as though he'd been stung. The moment hung between them.
"I'm sorry," Renji said eventually, his voice low as he looked away. "Please don't report me. I'll leave now." Renji went to get up, and a strong hand clamped onto his arm. He looked at his arm in surprise, then down at his friend.
"Renji, you really are stupid sometimes." Shuuhei said, and smiled at the scowl he got in return. "It's not you – though for rights I should report you for something, but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what for. Willful seduction of an older student?" he laughed softly at Renji's attempt to refute it. "Anyway, it is late. Come on, I'm not going to kick you out now – I'm not that mean. Enjoy the 'luxury' of a senior room," he said, wryly, as he indicted the tidy but sparse room.
"Thank you, senpai," Renji said, almost submissively, as he stretched out on the mattress beside Shuuhei, who turned to pour some water from a nearby jug into the cup he had been using earlier. Turning back to the younger man, he smiled.
"Here – some water. And it's Shuuhei."
Renji smiled back in the dark, drained his cup almost empty, then lay down onto his side and was asleep almost instantly, snoring quietly. Shuuhei, however, stayed awake much longer, and spent most of the time staring at the sleeping form next to him wondering what the hell had just happened.