The King of Red Cockblockers
Miles below the great ocean in a land long forgotten by time, Link stood in front of Ganon. Worn, battered, and exhausted, he knew that the battle would be won by one final strike. Locking eyes for only a moment, Ganon rushed towards the green tunic wearing hero with terrifying speed. Reacting on raw impulse, honed by endless dungeons and legions of the vilest monsters throughout his journey, link rolled to the side in a parry. Kicking up from the ground, link shot into the air and soared above Ganon, master sword glistening with the power of the sages. It was too late, Ganon couldn't move in time, he could only watch as the legendary blade sunk into his forehead.
It was over, thought link, finally he could go back home to his grandma and live the simple life again, and most importantly begin a new chapter in life with princess Zelda. Master sword still in the evil king's forehead, link fell back to the ground and awaited the inevitable explosion of light, but nothing happened. After a few more moments of silence, Zelda sighed, put her hands on her hips and yelled "ARE YOU HAPPY NOW DAD!?"
Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, the king of the forgotten kingdom, appeared from the mist. He rubbed his beard, and muttered "I don't know, what do you think mack?" Springing back to life, Ganon yanked the master sword out of his forehead, turned towards the king, and replied "I think he's alright Daph." Having made up his mind, the king of Hyrule turned to link and proclaimed "Link of Outset Island, you are hereby allowed to date my daughter."
"FINALLY!" screamed Zelda at the king, "as if fighting 6 other giant fucking monsters wasn't enough. He's only like 10 you know!"
Confused, Link just stood frozen staring at the spectacle that was unfolding before him. Turning away from his indignant daughter, the king began to explain:
"You see Link, Hyrule's actually fine, this entire quest was devised by yours truly to see if you were good enough to date my daughter."
Standing there, Link gave a shallow nod. Behind the hero's face was a boiling hatred.
"I hope you understand, Link. My daughter is very special to me. No hard feelings right?"
Link slowly turned his head side to side.
"Oh Daddy! Thank you thank you thank you thank you" said Zelda, running towards Link to grab his hand. Pulling him towards the exit, Zelda started raving about reservations that she had for Salvatore's new restaurant boat, The Sinking Barrel. Link began to perk up, even though that whole ordeal was utterly ridiculous, now he could finally be with princess Zelda, and who knows? Maybe he'd get some awesome boobage tonight? Flushed with optimism Link started running hurriedly so he could whisk Zelda away in his boat.
His boat...The king of red lions...which was...Zelda's father.
"Hey you two!" said the creepy wooden boat-father "ready for your date?"
Defeated, they both nodded, and set sail for windfall.
…
Inside The Sinking Barrel, Link and Zelda were seated at their table. Salvatore, who was unsurprisingly the only one working there, grabbed a cardboard cutout of a poorly drawn pirate and shoved his face through hole cut out around the head.
"Ahoy mateys!" He said, "What'll you landlubbers have on this fine evening?"
Smiling, Zelda looked down at her menu and said "ah, I'll have the octorok pescatore please!"
"...and for the lad?"
Staring down at his menu, link furrowed his brows in indecision.
"...He'll have the grilled gyorg fin."
"excellent choice miss," said captain Salvatore, taking their menus. He took off the pirate cardboard cutout, and put his face through a cardboard cutout of a chef as he went to the kitchen. Link wondered what was that bitch's problem, ordering for him like that. Whatever, it would all be worth it after tonight...
…
"... And then I found this cat outside the castle, and I name him Gohma! She was soooo cute, had polka dot fur and would catch rats and spiders and birds and squirrels around the castle, and she would always try to lay on my parchment when I was writing a letter. Oh! And the way she would roll around in the castle garden oh my god! But then Impa found out and told me I had to give her away, like what a bitch! So I hid her under my bed during the day and fed her scraps from dinner, and..."
Poking at his barely eaten dinner, link hated the fact that he couldn't get word in edgewise during this date. Actually, looking back on it did he really get any say at all during that so-called quest to save Hyrule, or was he just taking orders from that damn boat? It was never about him, as Zelda clearly had no room for him in her over-inflated head. Whatever, just hit it and quit it then. He was sure he could get plenty of game on outset island, there were tons of girls there, like...that girl carrying the pot on her head, she's single right?
Stopping her own boring story midway, Zelda looked out the porthole and commented on how pretty the view was. Outside they could see the sun setting over Dragon Roost Island, with light glimmering through the smoke from the great dragon Valoo. Suddenly a haggardly wooden face popped in front of the porthole, and startled link out of his seat.
"Hey kids!" said the king of red lions, "enjoying your DATE!?"
"we're FINE dad, leave us alone."
"Oh you kids. I remember when I was your age, there was this pretty young lass who worked at the potion shop, and I wanted nothing more than to take her to Kakariko village's fall festival..."
Groaning, Zelda threw the curtain over the porthole, and the two tried to continue their date as the boat-father droned on.
Creaking the door open, Link was almost In the clear. He knew his grandma was fast asleep in her rocking chair, he just had to be extra careful not to cause the floorboards to creek as he led Zelda upstairs to his bed. They wasted no time as they instantly began furiously making out with a force that only a thousand years of not getting any could. Link's hand drew into Zelda's blouse as he worked his way towards the back. Reaching for her bra hooks he deftly unclasped her undergarment and removed it. He paused to look at her voluptuous cartoon A cup breasts, magnificent, this is what he was waiting for. He reached and grabbed her boob, and Zelda let out a soft moan.
"HEY! You kids better not be doing any hanky panky!"
Link froze as he noticed that his ass was glowing. He yanked out the pirate's charm from his back pocket, and groaned as the boat-father was telepathically lecturing him on modesty and traditional values. Link threw the glowing stone out the window, and he heard a wooden thud followed my an "OUCH." Creeping up to the window, link cautiously peered out to see the King of Red Lions on the shore, staring intently in his direction.
"I can see you you know!" said the boat-father "I don't care if you could defeat Ganon you better not be touching my daughter!"
"Don't worry about him," said Zelda, "he's just a boat, he can't possibly get here. So where did we leave off?"
Passionately kissing Zelda and fondling her breasts, the two finally thought they were back in the land of milk and honey, but they were not ready for what came next.
"Ninety nine bottles of lon lon milk on the walllllllll, ninety nine bottles of lon lon miiiiilk," bellowed the boat-father "take one down, pass it around..."
The foreplay came to a screeching halt, and Zelda turned to her side and said "forget it! Let's just go to sleep." Cockblocked, Link lay next to Zelda and tried to catch some sleep in spite of the frustration, blue balls, and annoying singing from an anthropomorphic paternal boat.
…
Heading back to the boat-father, Link and Zelda defeatedly walked to the beach. Link was done with this bullshit, he wanted nothing more than to drop Zelda off in her underwater castle, buy a non-cockblocking boat, and continue his life, but he stopped dead in the sand.
What he saw before him scarred him for life. His grandmother, stark naked, lay inside the King of Red Lions, fast asleep. Waking up, she was startled by her own grandson viewing her naked body, and quickly reached for the sail to cover her shame.
"Well," said the boat-father "we should, uh, explain ourselves-"
"-You see Link," grandmother interrupted, "I was awoken last night by the most beautiful singing, and I went outside. And then I saw the most handsome boat-person that I've ever seen...and...well..."
"...well my dear, the rest was history, wasn't it?" said the boat-father with a thick wooden grin. "Now this might seen a bit sudden, but we've decided we're going to get married!"
"Isn't that wonderful Link? You're going to have a new grandpa!" said grandmother.
As Zelda ran towards her boat-father to rip him a new porthole, Link stood frozen. He fell forward into the sand, and lay there in disbelief. A tiny crab furtively crept out of his hole in the sand, crawled slowly up Link's tunic, and pinched his nads with his claws...