"Does it get any easier, Remus?" Harry asked. "And don't lie, either."
Perhaps I should have expected that question. After all, I could be, no am, an expert on friends dieing and betraying you.
And don't lie either.
And, at first, I was going to say, yes. It did get easier. The pain became numb, your heart became ice. Each death just became a blur in your mind. I recounted all the deaths and funerals I went to. Dorcas Meadows, Gideon and Fabion Prewett, my mom, my dad, Benjy Fenwick, more than half of my classmates… James, Lily, Sirius.
And don't lie either.
I mean, gosh. After a while, you don't care anymore. You can't bring yourself to care anymore. You meet someone new and you start expecting them to die. It's like going to muggle war. You go to new places, meet new people, and kill them… not that I was killing anyone.
And don't lie either.
And caring just meant harder full moons. The wolf starts taking out the pain and anger out of me. And, now he doesn't do that anymore. I mean, sure, he might moan and howl for a while, but that's normal werewolf behavior.
And don't lie either.
By now, we've, or at least, I've managed to build this wall around my heart. Nothing could penetrate it. It was infallible…kind of like Dumbledore, I realized.
And don't lie either.
And I'm not lying. It does. It stops hurting. All of your friends have already died, haven't they?
And don't lie either.
I mean honestly. And they wonder why I hold everyone at arm's length. If you pull everyone close, it's just going to kill you in the end.
And don't lie either.
I pity Molly Weasley. By the rate she's picking up strays, (but for someone reason, she never truly liked Sirius and he's strayer than most strays,) she's going to be dead long before the war is over. Died from grief, her gravestone would say.
And don't lie either.
But Dumbledore always said that loving was my greatest strength. Not my intelligence, or my werewolf senses and strength. Well, Dumbledore's wrong then.
And don't lie either.
James and Sirius always used to wheedle me into playing a prank by saying, what's life without chances? Well, by taking chances, you're all dead.
And don't lie either.
And… and… there has to be another reason!
And don't lie either.
And… it doesn't get easier. Who was I kidding? Who am I kidding?
And don't lie either.
As a matter of fact, it gets harder and harder. Watching everyone die around you is no fun, no matter what anyone else says.
And don't lie either.
The sad part is, you start bracing yourself for their deaths, for their betrayals.
And don't lie either.
With each friend you bury, each family you bury, each child you bury, a piece of you dies. And it's funny how many pieces of you, you have. It seems endless.
And don't lie either.
They say nothing is worse than being Crucio'd. Well I say, there are a ton of things. Like letting your friends die. Like burying them.
And don't lie either.
"It doesn't. Get easier, I mean. Your heart breaks with every little death. Pretty soon, Harry, your heart will probably be in little pieces." I said.
I'm sorry, Harry.
"Then why do we still love? How can you still let yourself care?"
I wondered that a million times, Harry. I wondered that, too.
"Because it's all worth it. Could you imagine yourself without Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore? When they were alive, we lived with them. That made it worth it. They love you. The only thing you can do, is… just to live, I guess. What's that thing that Dumbledore used to always say? Death is just the next great adventure. Just imagine them, all happily waving and skipping to their next great adventure."
Because we can't stop ourselves from loving. It's who we are. It is our greatest strength.