Title: My truth

Summary: Oliver sends a letter to Marcus this is what it says… (Oliver POV)

Warnings: Strong swear words but not many.

A.N: I should have really been working on my other fanfictions but this came to mind and I had to write it.

Part 1

If I ever admitted one thing, if I ever accepted one thing in my childish little life it is that I love you and only you...

When I was eleven you scared me, I was terrified so much that I held back tears when ever you looked at me, but that didn't matter when I saw you on the Quidditch field all I wanted was for you to accept me because the way you moved in the sky, so elegant, so fierce you had a style that was your own and I admired you so much I guess deep down I probably fell in love with you. It was funny you had no idea I existed I mean why would you I was the snot nosed Gryffindor first year who was obsessed with Quidditch how were you supposed to know I was any good. At the time I was annoyed you didn't notice me and believe it or not I was actually jealous of Percy because you picked on him instead of me but I knew you did it because he was Charlie's little brother. I sound like a complete contradiction saying you scared me but I wanted you to notice me but it's the truth even without saying a word to me you are already fucking me up. Nothing much more I can say about this year it was a long time ago all I remembered was practising so hard so I could be on the Quidditch team, Charlie kept me as a reserve but that wasn't good enough he was only doing it to be nice so I just pushed myself to the limits so by next year I would be on the team.

I became a keeper in my second year as I claimed I would be I had never been so happy and proud of myself. I love the game as you know, and I was so excited you can't understand...actually no I think you're the only person to really understand me. So you probably understand what it meant to me when I saved your goal it was incredible my first game and I saved my first goal against the Slytherin wonder boy but I had no time to celebrate my head was too into the game which was my downfall as you sent a bludger my way and aimed it right at my head. When I woke up the first thing I felt wasn't anger or resentment I felt almost flattered because you found me that much of a threat you had to get me out the game. My feelings though were short lived I realised what you did which was make me miss my first proper match, the most important match of my life I was up in the sky for what two minutes before I was knocked out. Charlie came up to me telling me that we lost the game but he kept adding it wasn't my fault which obviously meant it was. The next day I went purposely looking for you, Percy tried to tell me that you weren't worth it that I'll have plenty of matches to come and I shouldn't do anything reckless of course he was right, bloody Percy is always right but I didn't care. I found you on your own and I knew this was my chance I went up to you and started shouting at you if I remember correctly I called you a dirty-cheating-evil-ugly-bastard-troll though there may have been more words forced into that name but I'm not sure. After my tirade or abuse you just looked at me like I just grown another head completely bewildered at why I was so angry then when I thought I was safe to leave because you hadn't moved you suddenly sprung into action and punched me right on the nose. My nose bled so heavily I thought all the blood in my body was just going to pour down my chin and you just sat there laughing at me, so I did what any boy in my position would do I ran. I guess that's when you became my rival but in a much fucked up kind of way I still looked up to you.

As much as I admired you I hated you by my third year I wasn't scared of you anymore I just hated you and I relished it I never wanted anything more to do with you then to hate you because that made me a proper Gryffindor. I knew by now that no matter what all you could be was my rival, my enemy, my only achievement I could possibly have was to be better than you, maybe I just spent too much time in the common room to think for myself. I was just taught socially that I could never like you and I accepted it. But that's not exactly the whole truth even though I thought your Quidditch skills were amazing and I thought you were a bastard because you were a Slytherin, something else was happening, something was changing. But it wasn't my fault I was thirteen you were fourteen it wasn't my fault what I began feeling I was too young to understand but old enough to feel something was different. I ignored it, what else could I do the only thing I believed was that I had to be a good Quidditch player and to become that I have to be loyal without fault to my house everyone believed that every Quidditch player believes they have to be faithful to their house because that's like being faithful to the game you must have thought the same. I know you did because why else would you start arguments with me, stop me in the corridors just to hurl abuse at me. I knew I should have walked away, you were a lot bigger than me, stronger and faster if you wanted to you could physically kill me but I still argued back. Was that why you kept abusing me? Out of everyone on the Gryffindor Quidditch team I was the only one you went out and looked for, was that because I fought back? Was it because I wasn't scared of you? Or maybe you fancied me and you just tried to fight against it. I find the last one unlikely I was really spotty when I was thirteen.

When I was fourteen was when you used to hit me and I always smacked you back, we always gave as good as we got, on and off the pitch. I used to love our fights I didn't like being beaten up but I did like I was always challenged against you I loved it. I guess I craved it, craved to be touched by you, craved for you to notice me and notice me you did. Every time you saw me you would aggravate me, hurt me in a way no-one else could and it was like hell but I needed your punishment you hating me was a lot better than for you to ignore me. I had no idea why I felt like that, still don't as a matter of fact; I guess I was a bit of a freak really. Oh the fights we got into I remembered it took four teachers to pull us off each other. That's what I loved the most, we didn't fight with wands, we thought the muggle way with our fists and you loved it too. You got to admit for a pureblood you prefer to do things the muggle way, well so do I really. I'd rather work up a sweat when I'm fighting not stand there for a couple minutes trying to think of a good enough hex. Then again we gave each other pretty good jinxes, my favourite was when I when I made you hiccup none stop for a week and you kept hiccupping pink bubbles, I was considered a hero for doing it you don't have too many fans. I thought your revenge was a bit too much, giving me bright orange urine and then also adding no control on bladder was way too sick. I couldn't get on a broom for days and then even when I was cured I kept checking myself to make sure I wasn't leaking. You are filthy man and don't you forget it I surely never will.

I was fifteen a fifteen year old boy, hormones everywhere I would have humped a rock if I knew I wouldn't be caught. And you, you bastard you were so attractive, everyone in my house was all so excited about Harry Potter but I couldn't give two shits about the boy who lived all I cared about and all I thought about was you. All I could think about was you and when I wasn't thinking about you I was thinking about how to beat you in Quidditch and in our little fights. Then Harry became my seeker and you were livid, so angry at me I thrived off it because the angrier you got the more you went out of your way to get at me, but I was in such a danger zone because when you were so close I just got hard and it took me all my power not to kiss you. The more I lusted after you though the more I believed I actually hated you because it would have been far easier. Maybe if I knew the truth about you I would have felt so much better. It didn't help that our fights were more violent, more…intimate? I guess they were intimate in a weird way, you would push me against the wall and your whole body would be against mine, your face was so close to mine and all that time you could have kissed me. Could you never see I wanted you to? I wanted it so much but I never was going to make the first move. I never really thought you were going to kiss me I was so sure you didn't feel the same, but then we had the match. You waited till just when I left the hospital wing which you put me in again via a bludger I was still weak when you jumped me we were alone and you were so furious but what can I say, as I pointed out before I was fifteen you turned me on even when you looked like you were going to kill me and then you were so close to me and that's when I felt it…your hard on. Your erection was against mine and I was too scared to move I waited for you. I thought it was a dream but no, sex dreams were never this scary. So I waited for you to make the first move I wanted you to kiss me but all you did was walk away. You had your dick right against mine you knew I was hard too but no you fucking walked away you bastard. Then you did the worst thing you could possibly do to me you ignored me for months you ignored me and it hurt, at first I thought you were going to tell everyone how I got an erection from you, I knew that no-one would believe that you had one too. After a while though I knew you weren't going to say anything you were just scared of what you felt and I understood that, that's why I went after you but I didn't expect you to pull me into the men's toilets and kiss me in one of the stalls. I was dazed at first but I soon got into it, you were my first kiss. How embarrassing is that fifteen and then I had my first kiss ever though I guess I was good enough you didn't back away or anything. We kissed a lot that year and then you ignored me again, just ignored me for the rest of the fucking year. You broke my heart; you never even told me what I did wrong.

Now at the age of sixteen I thought maybe I could get over you, you know find a nice girl or even a nice boy anyone that wasn't you. But no you decided to kiss me on the train? I don't know why maybe you thought to yourself what would be the best way to make me go fucking insane then after that you were nicer you weren't as angry as you were, like we were back to where we left off and that was that. We had sex, I lost my virginity to you and you were gentle. You were gentle. I had sex with you in the prefect bathroom and you were gentle, there are just too many things wrong with that sentence. Everything was going great we now had something close to a relationship or something that could form into a relationship. Then you had to fuck it up, you had to have Malfoy on your team yeah he's a decent enough seeker and yeah he's a good choice but you accepted the brooms and I lost all respect for you. The boy I saw up in the air when I was eleven was bought out for a broom, you traded in your self respect for a fucking broom and I was so angry at you. I know now that maybe I was a bit harsh and I shouldn't have told you to go fuck yourself, I thought you would hit me but no you walked off again this time you got yourself a girlfriend and she wasn't any girl she was your reserved keeper. Talk about kicking me when I'm down so of course I got myself a girlfriend poor Katrina she never had a chance. She offered me her body and I excepted, she lost her virginity to a gay man who was in love with his rival, she gave herself to a man who didn't even fancy her not least love her. I had to think of you to get my dick up. Rightly so she dumped me afterwards but she thanked me for being so gentle I had never felt so guilty and that's why I came to you I was so furious at you because you made me into this creature that uses people just to make myself believe I could be normal. But of course I couldn't, you tainted me so much I was beyond repair, then as I screamed and hit you, you hugged me and said you were sorry and that's what made me cry. I hugged you back and you kissed me again, we made love in your dorm when everyone was out. We didn't have sex; we made love, that's a huge fucking difference, that's why I forgave you. You showed me you loved me, you never said it but you didn't have to, you showed it. We became a couple, sort of. Then it suddenly became the end of the year and you were leaving Hogwarts for good, what could I possibly do without you? You became everything to me and now you were leaving me and I hated you all over again but for once it wasn't your fault. I became more immersed in Quidditch then I was before I couldn't think about you because it hurt too much.

My last year I just didn't want to go back even for Quidditch because it wasn't the same without you how was I supposed to know that this year would be the happiest year of my life. You came back, granted it was an accident but I was so happy to see you and for once everything was going okay actually not okay fantastic. We were boyfriends, proper boyfriends well we were secret boyfriends but still boyfriends and I knew you were the love of my life and that was it in my mind. The seventh year was a time were nothing mattered, yeah we had life altering exams but I just didn't care, falling asleep in your bed I just I didn't care about any shit that was going on even if there was a murderer loose in the school, you made me feel safe. That's all that year was, just being with you on and off the pitch and I can't even remember anything we did together, maybe we did nothing together. Actually no I distinctly remember a time when we got drunk together and we had sex in on of the corridors, most of the time though we would just sit together and talk about useless things. We did nearly get caught though when I was staying in the Slytherin dorm when all the Gryffindors had to be in the great hall, it wasn't my fault how was I supposed to know that Sirius Black would come sniffing about? But I still wouldn't change where I was being asleep in your bed was way better than sleeping on the floor. The only bad thing about the seventh year was that it ended but even then we became reserves for our favourite teams and they were rivals I guess we were always going to be rivals but that's okay I can live with that. I never thought I could be this happy; everything was going as it should. We even had a flat all ready for us to move into. Well I say we, it was you who paid for it.

The next three years seemed a lot different for us then for anyone else, we just got to deal with Quidditch and keeping our relationship a secret it was no real difference than when we were in school and although I would love to have at least one dinner out with you in public. There was no chance of that happening especially when we got promoted and we played for the teams in matches. That would have never gone down well, or maybe it would, I think we were both too scared to find out. But even with the secrecy there was no real reason to complain, I was oddly happy, like it didn't matter. We were so involved with our world we ignored the destruction that was about to happen, maybe we should have been more careful. Maybe I should have got my head out of the clouds and realised what was going to happen, that I was part of a war and I didn't even know which side you would fight on or even if you were going to fight on any at all. I just didn't want to think about it, being my enemy in game was one thing, being my enemy in life would be too much.

The year of the war or also known as the year I made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm so sorry for everything that I didn't tell them. I was scared that they'd think I was in league with the dark lord, I should have told them about us, told them where you had been for four years. You don't understand what it was like, I already knew I had to fight, I wanted to fight, but they terrified me, everyone terrified me. I just wanted to tell them, what they wanted to hear; they made me paranoid of you. I began thinking that maybe you would fight for you-know-who; they told me your father was fighting for him they lied to me. They wanted me to believe your family was involved so that I'd believe you were because as the saying goes "Blood's thicker than water". I was no better than I was in school, listening to people's ideas and taking them on as my own because I was worried what they would think of me. I'm so, so sorry if I spoke out you wouldn't have been questioned, you wouldn't have been kicked off the team. You could have been sent to Azkaban because of me. I did tell them the truth though, eventually, after the war, there were so many loses it came clear to me that this life is too short for it to be dictated by other people. Then I found out that you did, you thought with us, you gave information against the death eaters, you risked your life for the good cause. I did hear about your father and to do what you did even after he got killed, you're a fucking hero. Even after what you did though, the bastards still didn't believe you were innocent until after I told them about us. I don't blame you for not wanting anything to do with me after what I did, for making you suffer and I know I have no right to think we can have a chance but for fuck sake I miss you.

So now it's been six years after the war, I'm 27 now and in those six years the only time I felt good was when I found out you were back with the Falcons but still 6 years you were reserved because of me. The game we had yesterday when I saw you on the pitch I was so happy to see you I wanted to hug you and kiss you, I even wanted to let you win but you wouldn't want that, you won fair and square and I hate loosing even if I deserve it. If you haven't thrown this away, you're probably wondering what the punch line is. Well it is that after 7 years of being your school rival, four years of being your lover and 6 years being without you, all I can say is that I love you. I love you so much I never stopped. Being without you hurts so much it feels like my heart is bleeding and that it's just going to stop because it can't take anymore pain. Please come back to me, I need you and we make a pretty good couple we like the same things; we obsess over the same things we're meant to be together. Unless you don't like me anymore which let's face it no one would blame you. I mean I'd fucking judge you if you did take me back, I'd think you were a complete and utter looser but that doesn't mean I think you shouldn't take me back. Look I've tried to move on and it's not going very well, I've even moved in with Percy that's how bad things have gotten.

I'm going to stop this letter now before I just go on and on about being pathetic. I'm going to say it one last time in this letter.

I love you

Oliver Wood

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