"You're going to leave soon, aren't you?" Carth's question hung on the air as he stood behind Kaiden. She sighed and turned from the window.
"Possibly," she hedged, hardly able to meet his eyes.
"Where are you going? If you were leaving?"
"I…" she shook her head. "Somewhere you can't follow. Somewhere I can't take those I love."
"I'm coming with you." The devotion in his voice cut to her heart. She knew things had to be a certain way, and that neither of them would like it very much. At all, actually. She loved Carth. The same way he loved her.
"You can't." The pain radiating from her light brown eyes took his breath away. "It's too dangerous."
"Too dangerous??? Rev- Kaiden, you say that like Manaan, and Tatooine, and Kashyyyk weren't dangerous. And I don't care how dangerous it is, I'm coming with you. I would rather die than be separated from you, not knowing if you're alive or not. The last time I was apart from the woman I loved…" His voice broke. He was thinking about Morgana, and how she died, Kaiden knew it.
"I'm sorry about Morgana, Carth, and even more so that I am responsible for Telos--"
"Malak gave that order, not you. And I already told you, I tried to hate you for that, and I couldn't. Because I love you too much to lose you." The look in his brown eyes was so transparent, she didn't need to be a Jedi to read his mind. "That's why I am coming with you, no matter how dangerous it is," Carth insisted.
Kaiden stifled a sob. This was going to be harder than she thought. "Hold me. Like you did on Coruscant, a year ago, after we defeated Malak, when life was simpler," she begged, leaning back against his chest. The faint scent of flowers drifted up from her hair, and Carth bent and kissed the base of her neck. "Carth, I couldn't…" her voice trailed off, and she kissed him hard. Unable to resist any longer, she let the tears flow when she pulled back. "I couldn't take you with me. The thought of having to watch you die," she shook her head, anguish stamped on her normally strong face, twisting her lovely mouth with unimaginable sadness, "I couldn't bear it. It would kill me."
"Kai, let me worry about surviving. I swore to watch out for you, protect you, from enemies and the Dark Side. How am I supposed to do that if you leave without me?"
"Just knowing you're here, waiting for me will be enough."
Carth shook his head. "No. You can't leave without me." He squeezed her a little harder and pressed a kiss into her hair.
"I need someone to stay, keep the Republic strong." The desperation hemorrhaging from her voice evidenced how hard this was for her. "I need you to keep the Republic strong for me. Can't have all that hard work, and nearly dying, and nearly losing you, go to waste can I?" Her attempt to perk up failed miserably.
"Oh, sure, bring that up. I've apologized a dozen times for--"
"Carth. I've forgiven you a dozen times for that. I understand totally. I would have helped you kill Revan before I knew Revan was me." She bit her lip. "I even thought about doing it after I knew Revan was me," she whispered so low he barely heard her.
"When?" Carth was alarmed.
"While we were flying to Lehon. You saved me, Carth. You repaid what you owed me a million times over. Knowing you were waiting for me, that you loved me, saved me from giving in more times then I want to recall."
"Well, you have a way of getting under a guy's skin, you know."
"I know." Kaiden smiled. "And I know you, Carth Onasi. That's why I know I can trust you to keep the Republic strong for me when I leave." He started to protest. "Please. Do it for me."
"That's a dirty trick. I thought we agreed the 'do-it-for-me' card was off-limits," Carth protested.
"No, we said emergencies only. And I count this as an emergency."
"Because I love you," Carth agreed reluctantly. "But I'll be waiting for you. No matter how long you're gone, Kaiden. I'll count the days and wait for you." He pulled her the extra four inches up to kiss her, long and hard. "Because I love you more than I thought I could love anyone after my wife died. I will do as you ask."
"Thank you. I love you too, Carth. More than I've ever loved anyone, more than I thought I could love anyone," Kaiden confessed, sorrow etched deep across her face. "You have no idea how hard it is for me to leave you, knowing I might…"
"…not come back? You have to come back!" Carth was desperate, and didn't cared if it showed. "I feel like all that ever happens to the people I care about is pain and suffering. It's like losing another member of my family!" He raked one hand through his brown hair and sighed. "Promise me you'll come back, Kai, please."
She smiled tenderly. "I promise you won't lose this member of your family."
Three weeks later, she was gone. Off to battle the Sith, or atone for her past sins or whatever was necessary. She took T3-M4 with her, as well as the ring Carth had slipped under her pillow the night after she asked him to stay behind. There was no romantic promise to go with the ring, aside from 'Remember me', as he wrote in the note he left with it. Kaiden had left a note of her own on her desk.
I will. I love you, Carth.
When he found it, Carth collapsed on the edge of her bed. "She didn't even say goodbye." In the privacy of Kaiden's room, where no one would see him or hear him, Admiral Carth Onasi gave in to the sobs thundering up his throat. He sat, head buried in his hands, for too long to measure. First Dustil left for some Outer Rim planet, and now Kaiden had gone beyond the reaches of the galaxy. He felt alone. So alone.
Three and a half desperate, aching years, filled with nights he spent staring at the ceiling unable to sleep, later, a soldier returning from a courier run to Nar Shaada mentioned seeing the Ebon Hawk while he was there. Kaiden, Carth thought, hope flaring in his chest.
"Who was flying it?" he demanded of the soldier, who was at first put off by the ferocity in his admiral's voice. Before he remembered.
"A blonde woman, a Jedi, I think. She had an ex-smuggler and an old woman with her. And a T3 droid. I heard someone call her 'Exile'. That's all I can remember," the soldier admitted, shaking his head. The hope died as quickly as it had sprung up. Kaiden was brunette. But,
"You say she had a T3 droid with her?"
"Y-Yes, Admiral," the soldier stammered.
"Thank you. That's all, soldier. You may go." The formalities of being an admiral bored him, especially without her here to tease him about not getting to fly his own ship anymore. Ah, how he missed that feeling. He missed her even more. Carth leaned back against the wall and lost himself in thought. Her ship is back. T3 is back. She's not. Where is she? Every cell of his being desperately wanted the answer to that question. Maybe she's dead. No! She can't be. She can't be. I couldn't live. Bastila found him still leaning against the wall an hour later.
"Carth? The fleet is moving. They need you." He didn't move. "Carth. I know what he told you. She's not back. And she's not dead. I would have felt it though our Force bond," Bastila reassured him. "Go command your fleet. I'm sure you'll hear of her eventually."
"Bastila, it's been three and a half damn years! Absolutely no word! I feel I'll go insane if I don't hear something from someone soon." Carth raked his fingers viciously through his hair in the gesture of impatience she knew all too well.
Bastila laid a hand on his shoulder. "Carth, you have to trust her. She's strong. And with you waiting for her," she paused, "I'm sure she'll do everything she can to get back to you as soon as possible."
Carth went to Telos with the fleet a couple months later, upon receiving word a Sith ship had landed on the surface. The Exile was down there now, fighting her way through. Telos. He hadn't been back, been home, in almost ten years. "When the Exile returns, let her know I want to speak with her," he ordered Lieutenant Grenn.
"Yes, sir." Grenn had known Carth for years, and while he didn't know everything, he knew enough to piece together why Admiral Onasi wanted to speak with the Exile. "I will inform her personally upon her return."
"Thank you, Lieutenant."
Storm Solo was exhausted. The battle with Darth Nihilus had taken all the energy she possessed. Even with the aid of Visas and Mandalore, he had not been an easy foe to defeat. As her shuttle docked on Citadel Station, she was looking forward to being able to rest, if only for an hour. When she saw Lieutenant Grenn waiting for her, she swore under her breath and ran one hand through her short, grimy blonde hair. What now? All I want is to wash off the sweat and sleep.
Lieutenant Grenn spoke before she could. "Admiral Onasi would like to speak with you, ma'am."
Storm sighed. Ma'am. "Very well. Lead on."
Carth rubbed the back of his neck as he surveyed the cratered surface of Telos. He itched to find out if the Exile had seen Kaiden. Even for a fleeting second. When Lieutenant Grenn escorted the young woman into the room, he could feel the exhaustion practically rolling off her narrow shoulders.
Storm's mind was on her bed as she followed the Lieutenant into one of the entertainment modules. She wondered what the admiral who had summoned her away from the few pleasures left to her at the moment looked like. The handsome, brown-haired man in his early forties startled her, she'd expected an old curmudgeon with gray hair and evidence of overindulgence hanging over his belt. The sorrow she sensed welling up in him was also a surprise.
"It's a little beat up, but it's still home." His voice had just the barest whisper of a rasp to it. "I wasn't here to protect it when the Sith attacked the first time. This time you gave me a second chance." He offered her a small smile. "I owe you."
"Grenn said you wanted to speak to me…about a mutual acquaintance," Storm probed, wanting nothing more than to finish here and crash on the Ebon Hawk while Atton flew them wherever they were going next.
Carth hesitated for a moment, trying to phrase his next statement right. The Exile was obviously impatient to finish here and get some rest. He didn't want to hold her up any longer than necessary, but he had to know. "I've read your records, how the Jedi sentenced you. For doing what you believed. You wandered past the Outer Rim in your exile." He swallowed hard. "I ask you"-more like beg you- "did you find any trace of Revan?" Kaiden's old name stung his throat, but it was probably what this girl would know her by.
"Did you know her?" Forget sleep, Storm was genuinely interested. Particularly in how his voice caught when he said the name Revan. This was the source of his sorrow, or she was a Gamorrean.
Carth struggled to hold back the floodtide of emotions the Exile stirred up with her question, and tried to answer vaguely, not give details. "I served with her, like you did. And we had to part, like you did."
"Why?" It felt like her probing blue eyes could see right through the back of his head and read his thoughts. Kaiden used to do that.
"She said there were places where I could not go--places she could not bring those she loved. I've waited for her to come back for almost four years." Three years, seven months, one week, two days. "It doesn't get any easier."
His sorrow threatened to overwhelm Storm. She remembered the hologram she'd found in T3. "She's strong, but she can't face everything alone…I can't lose her, even if she wants to be lost." She hesitated, unsure what to say. Part of her thought he shouldn't give up hope, but at the same time , four years was a long time. Storm spoke it more as a question then a statement: "Perhaps she died?"
Her words terrified Carth, brought out the icy voices that posed that same scenario in the pitch black of midnight. "NO! She's not dead!" His fear she was right increased the vehemence with which the words tore from his lips. "I feel like I would know!" he turned and looked out the window to hide the pain and tears in his eyes. "There's just this…emptiness…where she used to be."
The tidal wave of anguish rolling off him nearly took Storm's breath away as the full impact of it hit her. She didn't need to see his face to know how badly he was hurting. How does he go on? She tried to think of something to say, but there was nothing that could be said. "I would have done anything she asked," he confessed. "And when she told me to stay here, to keep the Republic strong, that was the hardest of all."
"Why did she ask that?" The Exile shifted her weight to the other leg as she asked, and Carth felt she was honestly interested.
"I don't know," he admitted. "But it was important to her. She said that she believed something had been behind the Mandalorian Wars. That it hadn't been the Mandalorians' choice to attack the Republic. Whatever it was, I think she went off to find it…to fight it." He remembered that conversation. Kaiden had confused him to the extreme with her talk of ancient evils, but he listened, just to hear her voice.
"How did you know Revan?" Storm wanted details. The story was haunting; it was obvious the Admiral loved Revan, and if she had refused to take him with her, she must have loved him too. Who cares about sleep? I'll sleep in space.
How did he know Revan? There were so many answers he could give. As the amazing woman he'd fallen in love with, as a redeemed Dark Lord, but he stuck with a simple summation of the history between them. "It was near the end of the Jedi Civil War, when it seemed like we were going to lose everything. We met on a Republic warship, called the Endar Spire. It was being attacked, over Taris, and the Sith had stormed the ship…" He let his mind drift back to those days as he told the Exile his and Kaiden's story. He told it all. How he'd trusted her more then he'd ever trusted anyone, how the attraction between them had grown. How he'd promised to protect her. How both trust and attraction had been nearly destroyed by Saul's revelation that Kaiden was Revan, the one responsible for the loss of all Carth held dear. How she'd fought so hard to hold onto him. How he'd tried to hate her and found he couldn't. How the attraction had turned to love after Kaiden faced Bastila in the Temple and renounced her dark past forever. Deciding he'd said enough, Carth summed up his recitation of their history. "We saved the Republic. But it was like the war didn't end for her. She would keep remembering things that she had done, and it kept driving her. And she kept using it as a wall between us." Carth stared out the window, remembering the arguments they'd had whenever she did that. " And I think she finally remembered something terrible she had done during the Mandalorian Wars. And she went to put an end to it. She left without warning. She didn't say where, only that it was to a place where she could not take anyone she loved. And here you return, with her ship, without her." The bitter disappointment that arose with finally putting it in words was indescribable. Without her.
"Revan's ship?" The confusion in the Exile's voice was understandable.
Carth nodded. "Yes, wherever she went, your ship's been there." He hesitated, the desire to know eating him alive. "If…If you return to that place, if you find any trace of Revan…" he trailed off. If she was dead, did he really want to know? If she was choosing to stay away for other reasons, did it really matter?
Storm felt her heart break for Onasi. That he missed Revan, or Kaiden, was plainer than a Wookie's appetite. When he trailed off without finishing his sentence, she spoke up. "Do you want me to tell you what I find?" She would probably end up out there soon as this more imminent threat was dealt with, she might as well look for a missing former Dark Lord.
The generosity of her offer warmed Carth. There was honest concern and care in her voice. But, "No." He sighed, heart breaking. "Simply tell her that Carth Onasi is waiting for her." The Exile nodded and turned to leave. Carth closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. "Safe journey, exile."
Storm wanted to weep for him. The agony he must be feeling, not knowing if the woman he loved still lived or not, she couldn't imagine. How many nights did he spend staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep because the dreams of her were too painful to bear? How many hours were spent wondering what had happened to her? How many tears had slipped down his face over the possibility she wouldn't come back? Storm sighed and headed for the Ebon Hawk. It was time to rest. She would worry about all these problems after an hour long nap.