So, I heard this song the other day. 'Under Control' by Parachute, and it practically screamed Booth! at me. Check out the song if you haven't heard it, they are a great new band. Anyway, the song inspired this quick bit. I suppose it takes place somewhere in season 4, before all the brain tumor business. Just some fluff to help me get though the long summer months without our favorite pair.
I don't own Bones, nor do I have any affiliation with this song. I just share in the love baby. . .
I turn my head
I can't shake the look you gave me
I'm as good as dead
'Cause those eyes are all it takes
And all I want is you
Temperance Brennan is breathtaking. No other woman could ever come close to her, ever. It's as simple as that. It was her eyes, I'm quite sure, that started it all; the first thing that drew me to her. All it took was one look to pull me in. She had no idea how many words a simple look could speak or just how quickly she could take my breath away, like a powerful punch to my solar plexus (she'd call it that, not me). And now over the years, the looks, they've only grown; deeper, more meaningful, more beautiful. Her incredibly soulful blue eyes have burned her name onto my heart, a critical fact I'm certain she's still unaware of. But that's mostly of my own doing.
So I pulled away,
All I do is sit and wait
And I might as well
Write the words right on my face
That all, I want, is you
Always you
It's no secret that I'm hopelessly, devastatingly, head over heels, crazy in love with my partner. Everyone knows it (except for maybe her). I smile like an idiot when she's around, when someone talks about her, when I think about her. I may as well have the words written across my damn face. Hell, I guarantee if I were to walk into the Lab and profess my love for her at the top of my lungs, the squints would be so unfazed by the declaration they wouldn't even lift their heads out of their science for a second to even pretend to be surprised.
I can't put an exact moment on it, there isn't one distinct memory in which I remember the walls crashing in around me, clouds parting, and the heavens shouting , 'You, Seeley Booth, are in love with Temperance Brennan.' It was more subtle than that. Or perhaps the subtlety meant simply that I'd always loved her, since the very beginning. Yeah, that's got to be it. Because lets think about it... I could tell you I hated her when we'd first met. I could tell you we didn't get along and that she aggravated the shit out of me. I could tell you that I purely lusted after her, with her strange mix of beauty and intelligence and intolerance for others around her (mostly myself). And all those reasons might have a fraction of truth behind them. But, in actuality, I'd been a goner from the second I'd met her, completely and utterly astounded. Never had I felt so strongly about someone, never had I felt in an instant that someone was made for me. But I never acted; never let my emotions get the best of me, because I was supposed to protect her, take care of her, never leave her, and never betray her. I drew the goddamn line; I decided our partnership was too important, that our work was too important. I purposely kept her in the dark about how I felt; about how much I felt.
I've kept my heart under control
But lately, all this time it's taken its toll
Said I tried to, but I can't hold back what's deep in my soul
So darling please forgive me
I want you and you just have to know
I kept my heart under control for the sake of everything. Because I couldn't take the risk, I couldn't lose her. But it's wearing on me. Time is a bitch. If I thought hiding the truth in time would be easier, I'm even more obtuse than I'd thought. It's broken me down, stripped me of everything until I'd become only a shell of a man without her. It's not a bad thing, though. Loving Temperance Brennan hasn't ever been or ever will be a burden. Still, after everything we've been through, it becomes increasingly difficult as the days pass by to keep my feelings far enough under the surface so that I can still function normally.
And all my fears,
Creep and crawl across my skin
These four walls,
Are after me and moving in
And all, all that I want to do,
Is give up, give in,
And let this one see where it ends
But I don't suppose I will
Plane trips amid librarian fantasies, watching her father and my son, one very small bed in one very small trailer at the circus. Holding hands while ice skating making promises of always being there. Her face inside that helicopter when she'd come to get me off that boat, the return of my handkerchief and her hand over my heart. It's too much, the accumulation of those things. All of those times (and countless more before ) when her eyes would meet mine, I'd remind my heart to keep it's cool, swallow the words of love, and find some other way of keeping myself distracted; Every time, though, hating myself a little bit more. Because all I really want to do is give in to her, to my feelings, to us, finally. Scream 'screw it' at the top of my lungs, pull her into my arms, tell her I love her, and finally see this damn thing all the way to the end. Because this is it, it has to be. She's the one my heart has waited for; even if she doesn't believe in that kind of thing. I do, and that's enough for the both of us. But I can't, every day I imagine what it will be like, but I still don't do it and I can't even really tell you why. Maybe it's because keeping my heart under control is what I think she wants me to do. It's what I secretly hope she's doing, too.
Because I've kept my heart under control
But lately, all this time has taken its toll
Said I tried to, but I can't hold back what's deep in my soul
So darling please forgive me
I want you and you just have to know
I want her, and more importantly, I want her to know I want her. But, it's more than that. Want makes it sound primal, aggressive, and selfish. My wanting her is so much more than that. It's for the way she makes me feel, the kind of man she's made me, even if she doesn't realize it. It's because every single intimate moment we've ever shared has packed my heart so full of her I'd never be able to love someone else. I'd never be able to give my heart to someone else; it's always belonged to her, even if she's unaware. I want her because of her smile, her laugh, her heart. I want all of her, because we complete each other; two bodies, one soul. I'm in love with my best friend, my partner, and I want everything. Her. Only her.
That one of these days
I'm gonna find myself a way
I'll find the courage
and I'll find the grace
Oh and I'm going to know, just what to say
Loving Temperance Brennan has never been or ever will be easy, and the fact that I've loved her silently for so long doesn't help. I've imagined the moment when I tell her over and over in my head. The words flow out effortlessly, eloquently. But it won't be that easy, it never could be. Her beauty and intelligence scare the crap out of me, and those eyes. The second I look at her, I'll lose all train of thought. All coherent sentences I have had planned in my head will be completely useless. She's the only person on the planet who could manage to turn my brain to mush with her eyes. But I suppose somehow I'll find the courage. Because If I ever want this thing to be something, everything, I've got to say it. I've got to.
I can't hold back what's deep in my soul
I want you and you just have to know
I'm not sure how many days I've waited, but the waiting, it stops today. My heart aches for her. I need her. So I corner her in her office, shove one hand in the pocket of my slacks, the other over her shoulder on the wall behind her. She sucks in a breath and locks her eyes with mine and for a moment I forget to breathe. And then she smiles at me. Suddenly I'm filled with all kinds of hope, and happiness, love. So, I'm truthful. I tell her I'm hardly a perfect man. I'm flawed. I've made many mistakes in my life before now, but not telling her I love her, that is my greatest mistake. I vow to never make that mistake again.
She closes her eyes. I lose my breath again. I need her to look at me, to see me. So I move my hands to either side of her face and trace my thumbs softly against her cheeks until her eyes flutter open again. I calmly take a breath and begin to explain that I can no longer contain the feelings my heart possesses. I assure her that if there were ever a time to throw scientific instances and anthropological reasoning aside this would be it, because I'm here, I'm saying I love you. That everything I am is because of one breathtakingly beautiful Temperance Brennan. That what we have together is everything, could be everything if we just give in. If we become one. Because we are two halves of a whole, I explain, and she looks at me incredulously (It's impossible for two people to occupy the same space, yeah I know). But it happened, somehow she and I, we're a miracle. Believe it, have faith in me.
It's silent for another moment, and for a single second I think I could have possibly lost everything. But then she does something unexpected. She wraps her arms around my neck, pulls herself off the floor and wraps her legs around my waist. She leans her forehead against mine, while my hands find their way to her ass (perfect) to hold her to me. Then she smiles again, brushes her lips softly against mine and whispers, finally.
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