Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf - heck I don't own anything Dwarf except a few DVD's and the small red dwarf that lives under my bed - Very lively after a few chocolate bars he is and people come from miles around to put money on the Red Dwarf V Tini... I'd give him a name but it's more confusing and its cool - RD, ZK & Tini!
Ahem Well I was bored - REALLY REALLY bored, but if it brings a some what terrified smile to Sian's face at least, to cheer her up - I'll be happy even if Laura tries to give me the pills again...
You know people are always so quick to judge me – I can't help who I am – Which Reminds me – Would you like any toast?... No? Fine I'll torture you… What do mean asking if you want toast is torture? You could always have a muffin – Or a waffle – Waffle's are good… Toastaphobe…
Fine! The toast can come later – like an after speech celebration – And don't you dare leave in the interval, I have 20 plates of bread related items that need to be devourered… Is too a word! Is shown dictionary …smart arse.
Anyway I am here to tell you about the show Red Dwarf – Mostly because it's in my contract… Ok, ok – Jeez lawyers are so bossy! Speaking off screen This better count towards my community service!... Right well Red Dwarf is a ship – A really big ship, a really big red ship. And it flies in deep space because after the smeghead killed everyone with dodgy repairs, the computer – a complete weirdo by the way, forgot to turn the ship around – Or do anything productive.
Life hasn't always been easy for me, I was purchased by Dave Lister, a man who would be given a major achievement award if he chose to wash his socks for once. He unfortunately turned out to be the sole survivor from the accident, which is bad because I think been in stasis really turned him anti-bread! He has a few companions – the smeghead who killed everyone in hologram form… I don't really like him – he can't eat so where's the conversation? Excuse me but would you like some toasted oxygen today? – I don't think so! And there's the computer – Holly! Blah – I've spent 3 million years with him and he was boring from the first 10 seconds onwards… Doesn't eat toast either – Real bummer – Stopped pestering him though after the incident with the skutters and the John Wayne replica ball bearing hand gun.
The Cat, what can I say about him? He prepared a whole list of cue cards but I accidentally toasted them so here – He is an egotistical maniac being, evolved from a cat Lister snuck aboard Red Dwarf, kinda why he got frozen. Anyway Cat's cool, his suits are sharp but how dare he blow off an offer of toast because of crumbs… Good singing voice though…
Ah Dave Lister, how to sum up my feelings towards him in the simple words? 'I HATE HIM!' Hey that worked kinda well, I've asked him if he wants toast or any kind of toasted bread product 574 times in the past 3 days – He's said no to ALL of them! I'd go and ask him again but he's been after me with a welding mallet for the last two hours… Smeg! My toasty senses are tingling – He's coming this way, better wheel off somewhere else, Thanks Rachael – For an airhead you're a good listener – even if you can be rude!