Touhou Faithfuls
(Or, A Musically Mad Romp Through The Internet's Most Beloved Shooter Sensation!)
[Advisory Note: To be read while listening to the tune "Native Faith" from the Mountain of Faith Soundtrack]
Within the snowy corridors of Moriya Shrine, three warriors were on the verge of thief apprehension.
Sally: It's over Dramatist. Give us back Suwako's hat!
Dee: You realize that I have both the power AND the authority to blink you out of existence, or should I say wink you out?
Richter: But you never would do that. You'd just sing instead.
Dee: That's absolutely correct! Uh-HUM!!
o/ This hat, belongs, to one as worthy as me,
Who exudes, command and respect.
An orchestrator of the divine arts,
And not a producer of loli bait.
o/ She, does not, even fit the requirements,
Of being, a proper god.
She, only has a fixation for frogs
Which oddly enough I'm starting to have as well! \o
Stan: "Command and respect?" Cheh! Right! You're nowhere near as tough as Suwako is!
Sally: Get 'im!! (Suddenly a man in women's business casual swoops in)
Ex: Yo Dee! I've come to help out!
Dee: Ah, so good of you to drop by Ex.
Ex: Okay, let's get the party started!!
Sally: Crap.
Ex:
o/ Here, comes Ex! Cosplaying as Aya:
The tengu, who fights with a maple leaf.
You'll, get shredded by my cartwheel danmaku,
Don't you think these puffballs make me look cool?
o/ Yes I'm the, Wind God, Hidden in the Leaves,
Prepare, to be smattered by my greens!
Rick:
o/ But all, your attacks are the same for every character,
Stan:
o/ You broke the chain you lousy ****! \o
Ex: Jeez, tough crowd.
Dee: Well what did you expect? They are here to apprehend us after all.
Sally: That's right! (From the side rolls in a wildly spinning loli-gagger)
Nathan: Agh! Could someone please stop me!?
Ex: Hey look. Ol' Nate's trying to play Nitori.
Dee: Rather disastrously from the looks of it.
Nathan: I had just put it on; now help me already!!
Ex: Hahaha.
o/ Dressed like a kappa, but acting like hedgehog,
You spin around like your first name was Ran…
But you be throwing out cucumbers and spitting out oo-ooze,
Yet you're still Candid Friend DADADADADADADA!! \o
(Now appears the whirling Miserables)
Trey: Apotropaic apotropaic apotropaic apotropaic-
Ex: Heh, now Trey is pretendin' to be Hina Kagiyama.
Trey: Pretending? I am always like this, you know that. Apotropaic apotropaic apotropaic, (The mumbling sad man whisks away. Suddenly a storm begins to brew and the sky darkens.)
Stan: What now??
Dee: It seems we're about to experience a 100% chance of serious back-up.
Ex: Yer definitely screwed.
Richter: Great… (The thunder rumbles and the lightning strikes and through a mighty gust a formidable presence touches down on the scene. Out of a veil of turbulent miasma appears a highly decorative god she-male and his blue-white one man entourage)
Cliff:
o/ Now, I'm here, playing Kanako,
Primed, to blow away some punkos.
And with, my assistant Sanae (Played by Romi!)
You will never get a chance to breath.
o/ What? Are you, not even scared?
And you say, it's only props? Pah!
Well these ropes, will bound your smarmy a***s,
And then I shall verily f**k them up!
o/ So, then how, will it all go down?
What will, be the method for your demise?
Go and pick: Rice Porridge, Hunting Ritual,
Or maybe I'll just douse you with my Heaven's Stream.
o/ Oh, what the, you're not satisfied?
Well then I'll, go with Mountain of Faith!
Romi:
o/ But you know, Faith is for the Transient People-
Cliff:
o/ Cram it! Wait for your own solo performance! \o (Just then a group of naked pixilated females float in)
Kanako: There you are!
Richter: What the??
Nitori: These people stole our clothes and all our things except for my optical camouflage.
Nathan: Oops, forgot about that. (Takes the camo; pixels disperse)
Nitori: AIIIEEE!!!
Sally: You monsters!!
Dee: It appears the jig is up, men.
Ex: Cheese it! (The villains at large flee down the mountain, and thus our heroes find themselves partaking in a heated and whimsical chase through Gensokyo)
Romi:
o/ Cut, -ing through, the bamboo forest,
We make, for the mansion Eientei.
Hopefully, it's many corridors,
Will leave our pursuers at a loss.
o/ But, inside, we find to our dismay,
Bunny girls, hopping all around,
But then, there's one, in particular,
Whose Lunatic Eyes might spell our doom. \o
Reisen: I locked all the doors; there's no way out.
Dee: There is but one! Compendium, AWAY! (The odd lot dramatic leap and bust out through the ceiling. Enter the intrepid pursuers)
Richter: Which way did they go? (The speechless Inaba points up at the gaping hole)
Richter: Oh, right. (They leap up in haste. Off in the nearby airspace)
Dee: Quickly: To the lake of Tepes!
Ex: It's just a regular lake!
Nathan:
o/ Now, we head, for the Scarlet Devil Mansion,
And the Magical Library Voile.
Although, the resident is anemic,
She still looks cute in her jamm- \o
Patchy: Back off. (Agni Blast!)
Nathan: WAAH!!!
Cliff:
o/ And, right there, is Sakuya,
Brandishing, her trusty knives.
Though, her World is rather tough,
She can't match the Road Rolla da WRYYYYYYYY!!!! \o (Enter the Scarlet Moon)
Remilia: What have you done to my maid?
Dee: We've disturbed the mistress. Flee. (And they do so. On the lake shore the chosen three watch their quarries jet)
Stan: How are we gonna get them now? (In comes a decrepit turtle)
Genji: Climb aboard; I'll take ya. (The three are snatched and flown off in pursuit)
Sally: I didn't know you were a three-seater! (Meanwhile, in the stratosphere,)
Nathan:
o/ Where shall we go? Where shall we GO!?
Dee:
o/ Shouldn't it be obvious to you by now?
o/ There is one place, and there is no mistake,
It's the Capital City of Flowers in the SKYYY! \o (They bust through the gates of Hakugyokurou)
Dee:
o/ Gliding up all these long stairs,
Beneath the falling cherry blossom petals,
We pass by the gardener swordswoman-
Ex:
o/ Who wishes she were as hot as that chick from Heavenly Sword.
Dee:
o/ Continuing on, we climb ever higher- \o
Goodness, it's the Prismrivers!
(We turn to a live performance of those poltergeist musicians. My just marvel at their transcending majesty: Lunasta, Lyrica and Merlin playing their instruments so finely as though they wish to spirit away my soul oh I have never heard anything as hauntingly incredible as wait a minute CRAP! I forgot to narrate the rest of the chase! Gotta skip to the finale now, dang it!)
The Bad:
o/ So now, you face, The Compendium!
We, will not falter to you.
With, the assistance of fair Yuyuko,
This is where we will make our final stand.
o/ By the glow, of the, Ghost Butterfly,
You will meet, a most Fatal Sin.
Feel, like Getting Lost on a Trackless Path,
As we Reflower to a full 100 percent. (One epic screen rape later)
Dee:
o/ By golly, at last! We have won the day!
Our foes, lay beaten like dogs.
Three cheers, for the likes of ourselves,
For we are nigh unstoppab- \o (All of them get whacked on the head by a newcomer's massive halberd)
Ace: 'Fraid your dabbling privileges have been revoked guys. (Takes spiffy hat off Dee and hands it to a diminutive goddess)
Ace: Sorry for the trouble Ms. Moriya.
Suwako: I would have gotten it back myself if I hadn't put all my powers into it earlier.
Ace: Now there are just the clothes to return. I'll leave the rest up to you Suika.
Suika: Nothing says party like the rhythmic busting of skulls!
Dee: Bother…
END
Marisa: Oi; how come we weren't in this story?
Reimu: They probably had more than enough people for it. All the better; I actually enjoy not being involved.
Marisa: You would say that even though you're the main character??
Reimu: I didn't ask for that position, and all I'm saying is that it's nice to have a break every so often.
Marisa: Sheesh, and you're already a crummy enough shrine maiden.
Reimu: What was that?
Marisa: Uh, n-nothing!
The real END
Remembering the glamour of musical endeavors,
Even moderators stray from the path of sensibility.