Ruth was drawing into herself, Harry thought.
He observed her from across the yard. She was seated on the grey stone steps of the old house, gaze unfocused, arms wrapped across her body. A still point, as everyone around her was beginning to disperse. Blue tape cordoned the area off, awaiting later forensics. The ambulance had long before carried away the body.
"I've found us a car," Harry stood above her.
"Right," said Ruth, watery eyes flickering up to his briefly.
As those eyes caught the light, he again thought how beautiful she was, in her sorrow. Not a hardened old spook like him, she was drowning in her mourning. Poor girl.
She rubbed her hands across her face as she rose.
"Come on," Harry murmured, guiding her by the shoulder.
"How'd you manage it?" Ruth nodded to Harry's car.
"Perks of being the boss. Let me," he said, hands moving to the lapels of her white coat.
Ruth's breath caught as he gently ran his hands under the material and slipped her coat off with all the agile charm of the known womaniser he was. Her eyes flickered up to his again, and she was briefly caught. His ruddy skin, honeyed eyes, his strawberry blonde hair, his strong jaw… she admired everything about him, right down to his plump, wide lips. Lips which were now quirking a small smile at her.
She dropped his gaze and turned. This, of all times, to be having wistful thoughts about a man who wouldn't even look at her twice. Ruth's stomach twisted. A wave of guilt washed over her.
Harry slipped off his heavy black coat, too, and placed in on the backseat, over her white one.
Harry pulled the car out onto the road. Ruth sat quietly, watching the countryside turn to blur as he sped up. Grey skies and green fields carried on for miles. They were well out of London, with not a soul to be seen.
After a while, Harry noticed she was running her hands over her knuckles roughly, roughly… rougher still.
"Hey, stop that," he said, placing one of his hands over hers.
Ruth burst into tears.
He immediately pulled the car into a small lane off the main road, amidst a rolling paddock. Engine off, Harry unbuckled his seat belt, and leant towards her. Somewhat awkwardly, he placed his hand on her upper arm, and begun to rub.
"Hey… there, there…" he soothed.
Ruth wiped her tears and turned to him, face splotched white and red.
"I can't help thinking. What I could have done…" she choked.
"I was the one who didn't listen to you when Adam had been taken."
Ruth shook her head, "You did, though."
"After taking the time to threaten you with a trip back to GCHQ."
"Not just a trip!"
"No," Harry's eyebrows quirked, "I suppose not."
They quieted. Harry continued to rub Ruth's arm.
"It's all my fault," Ruth said, voice steely.
"No, it isn't," Harry vowed.
"It is. Harry… You don't know."
"What don't I know, Ruth?"
"I-I… goaded him into it. I did. When he rescued me, that time… I told him to promise me, he'd never end up as… as broken, as selfish… Something stupid like that. But he should have been," Ruth admitted, gazing out into the paddock.
"You've never lost a colleague before. I didn't realise," he answered.
"Oh, is that what it is," snapped Ruth, turning her anger on Harry. "Don't bloody patronise me."
"Then don't be so bloody ridiculous!" Harry snapped back.
"Fuck you," Ruth said quietly, arms crossing.
They were silent.
"I just meant… Blaming yourself is a normal reaction, Ruth. But you have to turn it off. You'll learn to, after you've been in this business a bit longer."
"Is that what you do?" Ruth asked.
"Yes."
"You lost a lot of people, in Northern Ireland, and Berlin, and…"
"And here. Yes," Harry cut her off, "I'm the boss, Ruth. Along with cars, come other perks. It was my call. Danny's blood is on my hands."
"But can you really turn it off?" Ruth whispered, voice breaking.
"I learnt to."
"How?"
"The usual ways. Sex. Drink. More work."
"Is that what you were doing back there, then? Ordering everyone around. I watched you choreographing everything. The clean up."
"That was me trying."
"It didn't work?"
"A little. Not completely… I had to, Ruth. I had to… do the job."
"And now what?"
Harry shrugged.
"We could help each other," Ruth murmured, hand sliding onto Harry's thigh.
His mouth slid open. She boldly held his gaze.
"You could help me." Ruth's voice took on a plaintive note.
"Ruth…" Harry breathed, as her hand moved higher.
He shook his head.
Ruth calmly leant back against the glass of the side window. She opened her shoulders and exposed the white of her neck. Harry's eyes caressed her. She was heavy lidded, lips flushed red. Chest heaving.
"I'm not some… naïve little girl…you need to protect."
Her lips caressed the words. Harry groaned and then pounced.
Their first kiss was rough and wet, and desperately alive.