The Worst DBZ Story-Ever!
The general census among the DBZ section today is that most of the work, being produced by these writers dubbed "3rd Gen" by someone, is bad. Discounting the ones like Allison Meore, people complain these new writers lack spelling, grammer, punctuation, and the ability to tell a good story.
Well, you know what the say. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Some people have told me I write very well. So that got me thinking. Can I write badly? Let's find out!
On dai Goko waz otsid plaing with a cherri bom an it went of and blue hiz noz of. Wel he wass gropin around four et butt he codnt fine it becaze it flu thru a windough and laden inn a boul of serial Vegeta waz eting. Onlee he dint notise sow he tok a spoonfull of serial and yeled "A noz! I jus bit intoo a noz! YUCCCKKKK!" Soe de haad to gett da bidden noz and pud et in a bagg of icz cubes soe itt woldent rowt and den de wentt two da hospitall and de sewwed et bak on. Butt wen Goko wentt bak otcide he drowed beecaose de sewd hes noz upsid doun! Anyway…
Arrggghhh, this is worse then "Pimpin Goku!". And how I have to purposely mispel every word is harder then writing. Ok, I can spell. Ok, bad writing. I know, I'll just write a story that makes absolutely no sense at all. Utter nonsensical…ok, here we go!
It was terrible! The thunder roared! Trees fell to the ground! The wind was like a rhinocerous! Each flash of lightning lasted an hour! And in the castle where King Vegeta and Queen, um, Vegetable lived, there was a wail and a roar! A scream so loud you could see it hurtle out the chimney! There was a crash so loud the roof flew off and ARRGGHHHH! HORRORS! VEGETA WAS BORN!
His parents took one look at him and ran away like the wind! Vegeta grabbed an axe and chopped down the door! GRRRRRRRR!
A guy named Bill, who was combing his hair in a boat, heard sizzling. It was Vegeta, and the grass was burning under his feet as he ran along the bank, jumped into the boat, grabbed Bill, threw him into the sun, and then rowed away at over 3000 miles an hour! Vegeta was angry!
Vegeta rowed across the shore, where he found his parents. So he knotted his mother's hair and bent his father's pipe and put jam in their shoes and they were sorry they ever had him. Then he asked if he had any siblings and KV said no but he had an uncle so Vegeta knocked a kid off his bicycle and cycled away so fast that the road behind him turned to molten tar and all the cars got stuck in it.
Vegeta got to the sea and swore so loudly that all the fish came up to see and he peddled across right on their heads before he got a highway which he crossed so fast it curled up behind him like string. He found his uncle making pancakes and he punched him in the nose and put his socks through a grinder. He was sorry he had a nephew like Vegeta!
Then Vegeta looked around and saw a lady in a hat. He was so angry! He hit the hat off her head and bit her arm and then kicked a soldier and took an axe and wrecked a bus. Then a mountain fell on Vegeta and he had to tunnel to Austrailia to escape.
Then Vegeta saw a kangeroo. "Yeecchhhh pansy animal!" he said, and he went up to kick it, but the kangeroo had a baby named Pidge who thought Vegeta was a big troll doll because he'd never looked out of his pouch before. He said "Goo!" and all of Vegeta's hair stood up making him look like a porcupine and then the kangeroo baby didn't think Vegeta looked so nice anymore so Vegeta kicked it anyway and then ran off so fast that the desert sand fused into bricks and they built a power station with them and now there are hardly any kangeroos left there.
Vegeta went to Ireland and the police said they would get him so they tied sacks of potatoes above the road and when they saw Vegeta coming they would cut the cord and the sacks would come down and he would be stunned and they would cover him with meat sauce and roll him into the sea. But Vegeta wasn't stupid and he saw the sacks so he took a frying pan and walked under the sacks and when the sacks fell he fried the potatoes and ate them before they could stun them. "It was a stupid plan anyway." the police chief said…
ARGH! Sorry, Micheal Palin and Terry Jones called me threatening to sue, and I'm sure you're sick of this already. Well, since you were kind enough to read this far, I may as well write something in which I try to be good. Here's a little tale I thought up. I call it…
"Goals"
His strong fingers clenched over his hand, as a short series of cracks came as he forced air out from between the hollow spaces between the bones. He uncurled his fist and did the same with his other hand. It was time.
He took a moment to admire them. He'd seen them kami-knows how many times, and yet he always found a new beauty to them, these magical artifacts that numbered seven. One that had taken his life and make it an unbelievable roller coaster ride of adventure. There had been bad times, and painful times, and tragic times, but there had also been many good times. He thought he would be ready to finally settle down once and for all. Hell, he was over fifty.
But he didn't feel like it. He never did. And he wasn't even going to give it a thought.
Not until he had finished one last thing.
He thought he'd had all his dreams come true. But after that final battle with Vagane and Agony…he had begun to realize there was one lone thing, something he had to know.
It was time. He was ready. The strength of decades of training and dedication coursed through him. His body was solid, battle hardened muscle. He could feel the power that was his to command tingling in his palms, almost singing to him.
Once and for all.
"Come out Shen Long, and grant my wish!"
The sky darkened and lightning blasted as the Eternal Dragon surged forth from the balls and formed before him, his massive body filling the whole sky. Shen Long's head dropped as his eyes lit up in recognition.
"You have summoned me, my friend. Ask me any wish, and I will be grant it if it is in my power. What is your wish?"
He licked his top lip.
"Son Goku…I wish for a period of twenty-four hours, that our powers be equal. Do not drag him down to my level, or raise me up to his. I wish that our powers be smoothed and made the same, for a day. Can you do this?"
"I can…" Shen Long said as he closed his eyes. Power swirled around him and lit up the sky with brilliant light. Shen Long opened his eyes again.
"It is done. What is your second wish?"
"Bring him here."
"I will do so. Your wishes have been granted. Farewell."
Shen Long's body once again turned to light and swirled into the Dragon Balls. He paid them no mind as they rose up and flew off into the distance. His eyes were focussed in front of him.
And then Goku appeared, blinking out of nowhere as if he had just used his Instantaneous Movement. For a moment, he looked confused. Then he saw him.
"Krillian." Goku said.
Krillian nodded slightly.
"………..You cut your hair again."
Krillian ran a hand against his once again bald head, pausing to crack his knuckles again.
And with that short noise, Goku understood.
"I see. So that is why you did it."
"People can insult you for your supposed lack of intelligence all they want, Goku. When you need to be, you are truly astute." Krillian said.
Goku was silent.
"You always had the edge, Goku. I can't fault you for it. I am a warrior with human blood. You are an alien with warrior blood itself, blood that grants you greater gifts of power the more you hone it. I accepted it…until recently. When I got to thinking…I had one last thing left to prove…to myself. You may have the greater power…but I always considered myself as great a warrior as you…and before I die, I'd like to see if I was right."
Goku cocked his head, and then a slight smile formed on his face. He tightened his gi belt, leaned back and forth to stretch his legs, and then assume a fighting stance.
"So you wish to see who was the greatest between us when we both stand on equal footing? Tell me, do you wish to…"
"No…this is not some hatred that has festured within me…just…something I want to prove to myself. Not to the death. Until we know there is a winner. Until we know who was truly the greatest student of Master Roshi!" Krillian said, and also set a fighting stance.
Goku smiled again.
"My pleasure, my friend."
And then the two disappeared, blurring away.
For a moment the air was silent.
Then it split with a thunderous crash as Goku and Krillian reappeared as they slammed their fists against each other's fists. The ground began to shake as the two exchanged hundreds of thunderous blows, fields of rock rising up in the air.
Krillian ducked under a kick, spun, and thrust himself up. Goku dodged away as Krillian's heels shot past his face and leapt backwards as Krillian flew above him, swinging his legs back and kicking Krillian through the air. Krillian flew before he spun and shoved off a rock face, slamming into Goku and snapping him upward with a mid-air 180 kick. Goku flew backwards through a rock face before he slammed on the brakes and fired a ki blast at Krillian. Krillian dodged to the side and fired off several off his own. Goku leapt upward to escape and Krillian leapt up to meet him, and the two once again engaged in a war of blows.
Krillian flipped backwards and then slammed his head up against Goku's cheek. Goku reeled and Krillian thrust a kick into his gut. Goku doubled over, and then flipped forward, smashing his heel across Krillian's face and sending him downward into the ground. Dust ploomed up from where Krillian crash landed.
Goku landed in front of the crator as Krillian leapt up and landed in front of him.
"Good enough warmup?" Goku asked.
"Yeah." Krillian said, and took another fighting stance. "Now let's get serious."
"As you wish."
Then Goku raised up his fingers and vanished.
Krillian leapt up and fired a blast down where he had been. But as it exploded, he heard the rush of air above him and then Goku slammed down against his back with his elbow, driving him down. Krillian shoved away and blasted twin shots of ki. Goku whacked them aside and met Krillian's new charge as he attacked furiously.
Goku took a punch and spun, smashing Krillian with a cracking backhand and following it up with a reverse hook kick. Krillian blocked the follow up punch and slammed both his fists across Goku's face and then smashing his heel across Goku's forehead. Goku stumbled a bit but didn't falter as he dodged away from another punch and countered with a roundhouse kick, again sending Krillian into the ground.
Krillian leapt up as Goku flew down and at him. He thrust up his hand as a circle of yellow chi formed above him.
"KIENZEN!" he yelled, and fired it at Goku. Goku's eyes widened at the speed, and he barely dodged aside as the disc sliced him, drawing a line of blood down his arm. The wound wasn't deep, and Krillian had never meant it to be, but on the battlefield, there were very few rules.
Krillian dodged away from Goku's kick and backhanded him across the head, then axe-kicked him in the chest. Goku snapped out a punch, but Krillian did a splits and slammed his fist into Goku's solar plexus, hitting a pressure point strong enough to ever stagger Goku. Krillian didn't let up, flipping up and slamming his feet across Goku's face, and then smashing him with twin punches that sent him flying into another cliff. Krillian fired off a huge ki blast after Goku and the cliff collasped in an explosion.
Krillian waited.
Goku exploded from the cliff and zapped at Krillian. Krillian blocked the blow and fought back. The ground shattered and flew as the two combantants warred furiously.
Goku won, as he managed to get a blow in, thrusting his palm into Krillian chest, and as Krillian flew backwards, leaping past him and spin-kicking him in the face. Krillian hit the ground again, but he didn't stay there as he blasted up and rammed his shoulder into Goku's, carrying them both into the sky. Goku threw a punch and Krillian blocked it, and the two started another onslaught of blows against each other, spiraling down and crashing into a mountain, burrowing into it. The mountain shook and then began to shatter as ki blasts exploded out of it, before a massive ki explosion blew it off the face of the earth and rained debris for miles.
As the smoke cleared, it revealed two figures, still standing, across from each other.
Both showed signs of the battle. Their clothing was torn and ripped, and Goku was bleeding from the nose and a busted lip. Krillian has a large cut on his forehead as blood ran from the corner of his mouth. The two looked at each other.
Goku thrust his hands to the side.
Krillian did the same.
Kids sweating blood each trying to outdo each other…
"KAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEE…"
Adults fighting to save the world, each giving their all every tim, no matter who won or who was still standing at the end of each battle…
"HAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEE…"
Great friends…better rivals.
They thrust their hands forward as one. And each wore the same smile.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Eighteen was trying to read a book when Krillian came in. She looked up.
The shock came in waves. First that her husband was once again bald, and that he was wearing his old school gi. That, and the fact that he looked like someone had run a squad of Sherman tanks over him. Several times.
"Krillian!" she said in worry, leaping up and running to him.
"It's ok Eighteen…I'm fine…I look much worse then I feel…" Krillian said, stretching his limbs.
"What happened? Is there a new enemy? Did…"
"No…no new enemy."
"Then what happened?"
Krillian told her. Her eyes arched.
"I see…I understand. But…who won?"
Krillian's only answer was a slight smile.
Goku wore the same smile as he flew home. In the end, the winner didn't matter. All that mattered was the goal.
And the bond that could survive even that.