-1A/N: Hey, this is my first Degrassi fic. Just finished season 5 today and had this little idea. Paige's kiss with Spinner never happened. Song is Jenny by Sleater-Kinney. Hope you like it, think I might do I sequel cause it's a bit depressing. Comments?

Not What You Want

Do you see her face
When she's gone
Sometimes so bright
Your heart just stops
Did she answer you
Your other half
You know they say
She comes just once

Paige Michalchuk was a mess. And no one was more surprised than her. She was curled up at the foot of her bed just praying the gnawing feeling at the pit of her stomach would go away.

Alex had broken up with her. Or she'd broken up with Alex. She didn't even know. All that stuck out was Alex saying she couldn't follow her to Banting and be her lap dog. It felt like being punched when she said that.

Alex was her first girlfriend and the first person in her life who could really keep her on her toes, she would never back down just because Paige threw a tantrum.

She also knew that's why Alex was so freaked out by all the future talk. She was too damn stubborn to really take a risk like that. Go somewhere new and really have the opportunity to make something of her life. Staying in Toronto made it easy to become who she believed she was destined to be - her mother.

But Paige knew that was one future Alex did not deserve. She was better than that, so much better. There'd be times, moments when she would see something in Alex's eyes, a determination and happiness, but then it would be hidden again in an instant with some sarcastic comment.

When they'd be close to crashing and sitting side-by-side on the sofa, she'd much rather watch Alex than the TV. The cliché of her heart skipping a beat never disappeared over those 6 months. Alex would raise an eyebrow and ask if she was stoned or some other smartass remark and Paige wouldn't say a thing for once in her life until Alex caved and smiled, or better yet, blushed.

With Spinner, with Matt, it was never as intense. And Paige was pretty certain it wasn't that she was more into girls than guys it was simply that she was more into Alex.

I am the girl
I am the ghost
I am the wife
I am the one

Paige had gotten Dylan to drop her off at the mall. She knew Alex was finishing at 10. So, she waited the next half hour in the summer night.

10:08 and she finally came walking out. Her pace was slow and her head was down. She almost walked into Paige before she realised she was there.

"Hi." Paige said, wringing her hands nervously.

Alex barely looked up before her gaze was firmly on the ground again. "Hi."

"How was work?" not exactly what she'd planned on saying.

Alex shrugged. "I didn't get fired. And it still sucked."

Paige nodded and silence set in.

"I'm gonna…" Alex began to walk around Paige but she grabbed Alex by the arm and turned to face her again.

"No. We need to talk about this."

"I thought we already did."

"Well, you thought wrong. I'm not letting us end without a fight. And you can laugh at me or mock me for being so 'Hollywood' cliché but I don't care. I know how different we are but that shouldn't matter, it's what makes us so good. I'm the cool, preppy one who plans everything and you're the rebel, the spontaneous one who makes inappropriate jokes."

She could see Alex begin to role her eyes at that description. So she kept on talking.

"And you're the only one I feel completely myself around. You make me so nervous and so comfortable. And you piss me off sometimes because your so damn stubborn and I wish you would let me in more."

Alex, who was fighting back the lump in her throat jumped in. "I let you in. God Paige, I told you I liked you, I kissed you, I showed you my life! You think I've done that with anyone else? But if I follow you to Banting, I'll work a crappy job and be introduced to your new, smart friends and you'll have inside jokes and eventually you'll stop asking me to hang out with them, I'll just be a burden. One you wished you didn't have to deal with."

Paige was frowning. "No. You would never be a burden. I want you in my life, not separate from it. And in Banting, you can find a college, maybe art school. Or you could start your own business. You're so much better than a minimum wage job, why can't you see that?"

Alex let out a pained laugh. "Because I can't believe that."

Paige tucked the other girl's hair back from her face. "Why?" She asked softly.

Alex looked her in the eye. "If I believe it, and I fail… I couldn't take that. If I accept the fact I'm gonna live in a crappy apartment with no money, then maybe I can get through it."

They were standing, hand in hand, both near tears.

"Please. I'm officially begging you to come home with me now. We can make your plan. If Banting isn't best for you, we'll figure out what is. Together."

With their foreheads resting against one another the blonde closed the gap and kissed Alex. But after a moment Alex pulled back.

"I'm sorry, I can't." Then she watched her first girlfriend walk away, leaving her alone in tears.

So you want to forget
Live in the dark
Was she just too close
To everything

Alex slammed her door shut and slid down it, head in hands. She felt sick. She'd just walked away from the only good thing in her life. But it was the only option she could see. Her life would not be someone else's burden, she wouldn't be dependant on someone else. She wouldn't be her mother, going from guy to guy.

Sitting in her small, dark room, Paige's word ran through her mind. She wanted Alex for who she was and who she would become. She really thought Alex could make a good life for herself. But Paige believed that of everyone, she didn't understand what it was like to grow up being told, knowing that you'd become nothing. And believing it.

But now, Alex wanted to believe Paige. But that was too much of a gamble, even for her.

Didn't we almost, almost, almost have it
Didn't we?