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The Owl and the Pussycat
I
The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!'
II
Pussy said to the Owl, 'You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?'
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.
III
'Dear pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?' Said the Piggy, 'I will.'
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.
–Edward Lear
Kanda and Allen were lost. Really lost, lost somewhere in the big blue sea, and very close to losing their minds. Not only were they lost they were stuck in a pea-green painted row boat with only a pot of honey to share between them.
Only a few hours ago they'd been on a ship heading back to the order headquarters when part way through the journey they had been attacked by akuma. In an effort to protect the innocent passengers and crew of the ship Allen and Kanda had quickly jumped into the closest row boat and battled the akuma from a safe distance while the ship tried to get away as quick as possible.
Although they had easily destroyed the akuma by the time they were done the ship was already out of sight and the two exorcists found themselves stuck on a small row boat somewhere in the middle of the ocean. After some consideration Timcanpy had been sent off to find help and while Kanda had desperately rowed in any direction in the hope of finding their ship, any ship, or land, in no particular order of preference Allen had rummaged around the bottom of the boat in search of food.
What he'd found was a large pot of honey, some money (wrapped in a five pound note) a small guitar, a head band with furry cat ears and an owl mask. He'd put the honey aside, because even though he was hungry there was no telling how long they would be stuck on the boat and the honey was their only form of food.
He'd then put the money in his pocket, he found it very hard to trust other people with expenses after living with Cross for so long and so felt more comfortable if the only money that they had stayed in his possession. He had then placed the cat eared band on Kanda's head, Kanda rowing so furiously had simply sworn at him and continued to row leaving the band on his head, before placing the owl mask over his own face. The guitar he placed by the pot of honey.
Then ignoring Kanda's potty mouth Allen had laid back in their pea-green boat and drifted off for a nap, happy to let the older exorcist valiantly try to find anything in the never-ending ocean.
And so the hours had passed leisurely for Allen and not so leisurely for Kanda; at least that was when they first found themselves stranded on the boat. With nightfall quickly descending the exorcists were still no where near their destination and had undergone a slight change in behaviour. By now Kanda had tired of rowing, especially after there was nothing in sight but more sea no matter how hard he rowed. So Kanda had given up, pulled his coat tighter around him and grumpily hunkered down into the boat.
Allen too had given up during the last few hours, he was no longer relaxed nor enjoying the ride. The empty jar of honey now lay discarded at the bottom of the boat. He was hungry and he was stuck in a very small boat with a very volatile and possibly emotionally unstable exorcist with a sharp sword.
Still in his reclined position Allen took up the small guitar in his hands and began to strum random chords. He looked at the stars in the sky, but that did nothing to ease the tension and so looking back at his companion he began to sing.
"O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!"
Kanda wasn't impressed and glared moodily at Allen.
"Shut up moyashi, you sound like a strangled chicken." Kanda grunted.
"Uh uh uh Kanda we're on a lovely cruise together, we're going to get married, you've got to be at least a little nice to me." Kanda, not caring that Allen had succumbed to the madness of being stuck out at sea with no food, glared harder.
"Hah! Get married to you? You stupid moyashi. Che! You probably can't afford a ring, how could you possibly support a wife." Kanda said not bothering to threaten him with Mugen, he couldn't kill the moyashi just yet, he might need him later.
Allen, bypassing Kanda's usual insults, decided that his companion had agreed to his proposal but was worried that they didn't have a ring and as he pondered over this obvious drawback to their plans he was jolted, quite literally, out of his thoughts, when their boat suddenly collided with land. Both exorcists looked over the edge of the boat in surprise at the sudden stop, and with relief realised they could finally get off the boat. Hastily Kanda grappled with the side of the boat, jumping quickly out of the boat and landed with a splash.
A moment later, Allen had also jumped down, still clutching the small guitar in one hand, and was trying to catch up with Kanda who had already waded out of the water and was making his way over to a small campfire on the beach. Beside the fire a figure noticed their quick approach and curiously got up from his seated position to greet them.
When they had finally reached the man's location Kanda would have bluntly asked the man for directions if not for Allen reaching forward and clamping his hand down over his mouth before he could speak.
"Ah, excuse me, it feels like my companion and I have been travelling for a year and a day and when we came to a stop we couldn't help but admire those fantastic trees over there." Allen nodded with his head, in the direction on the wood behind the man, unable to use his hands as he was still keeping a tight grip on his fellow exorcist.
"Could you tell us what they are called?" Allen asked brightly. The man smiled congenially at the two energetic young men.
"Our Bong-trees are quite a sight to behold, we often get asked about them, especially since they only seem to grow on this island. Are you boys lost? If you need some help please ask." The man urged taking in the exorcist's haggard appearance and sudden presence on what was not long ago an empty beach.
"Well we appear to be in a bit of a fix, my fiancé and I are in a bit of a hurry to be wed but we do not have a ring!" Allen pulled Kanda closer for emphasis, Kanda still struggling to break free as the younger exorcist explained their plight to the man. The man however was listening intently to Allen and with a smile clapped the younger man on the shoulder.
"Hmm, well if you head straight into the woods over there." The man turned and pointed slightly to his left. "You'll see a path that runs towards the village proper, knock on the second house (which has a blue door) along the path and ask for a Mr. Piggy-Wig. I'm sure he'll be able to help you." Thanking the man quickly Allen headed into the woods, Kanda an unwilling companion pulled forcefully along with him.
They followed the path and it wasn't long before the exorcists had come to the second house with the blue door. Allen knocked three times and waited impatiently with a disgruntled Kanda at his side. Soon they could hear the sound of footsteps growing louder and the door was pulled open by a short, chubby, balding man holding a staff that was decorated with various paraphernalia that rattled as they clashed against each other. At the top of this staff as an extra adornment was a plain band of silver, perfect for use as a simple ring.
"Why hello there young gentlemen, and how may I help you on this balmy summer evening?" the man asked good-naturedly.
"Would it be possible to speak to Mr. Piggy-Wig?" asked Allen.
"I am Mr. Piggy-Wig." The man said with a wide smile.
"Oh good sir, my fiancé and I are in need of a ring and I can't help but notice that small band of silver on top of you're…" Allen asked excitedly, looking pointedly at the top of the man's staff.
"Ah, this fine thing, I call it my Nose." Mr. Piggy-Wig said giving his Nose a small shake.
"Yes, that ring on the end of your Nose would be perfect; would we be able to buy it for a shilling?"
"Oh, young love! I do have a soft spot for romance I would be more then happy to sell you the ring on the end of my nose for a shilling." Mr. Piggy-Wig cried out excitedly and so an exchange was quickly made and Mr. Piggy-Wig willingly handed over the ring.
Mr Piggy-Wig was so excited by the prospects of the young couple in front of him that after the exchange he offered to take them to see the minister on top of the hill the following morning.
"Please allow me to have the great honour of escorting you tomorrow to our minister to hold the ceremony, if you are in great rush. The man can be a bit of a turkey sometimes but he does his job well and he is very popular amongst the townspeople. In the meantime please accept my hospitality for the night and spend the rest of the night here, I can provide you with a hearty meal and a place to rest." Allen accepted the invitation gratefully, his stomach growling at the thought of food.
Kanda was likewise eager to accept the offer of food and a place to stay. He would just have to make his escape the following day instead of ditching the younger exorcist straight away.
The next day the exorcists were woken by the smell of breakfast and after they had eaten their fill their host lead them to the door.
"Come, follow me and you shall be wed immediately!" the man said with a great smile, beckoning the wayward exorcists to follow him. Allen couldn't believe his luck, Kanda just couldn't believe all of this was happening and Allen happily dragged a struggling Kanda with him after the man.
The ceremony itself turned out to be a bit of a rushed affair, mainly because the bride kept attempting to strangle the groom and consistently threatened the minister with his sword. The minister was therefore exceedingly glad to be done with the lunatic couple and directed them towards their wedding party on the beach where they had arrived, which had been kindly organised by Mr. Piggy-Wig.
Unfortunately due to the rush of getting the party they were only able to provide enough mince for the towns people who had all turned up for the free party. Luckily Mr. Piggy-Wig had a very talented cook and there were a variety of mince dishes on offer.
Kanda had made several attempts throughout the day to run away, but with Allen's tight grip and Mr. Piggy-Wig's enthusiasm he had failed. His attempts at murdering Allen had been put down to pre-wedding jitters, now that the ceremony was over they put it down to pre-wedding night jitters and quite against his will Kanda was tied down to a chair at the table of honour next to his 'beloved'.
Allen meanwhile was thoroughly enjoying the affair, wishing only that his friends in the Black Order could be here to witness such an occasion. He smiled at the well wishers and ate his fill, although he would have preferred the catering to be provided by Jerry, still it was good food, and as he admired the festivities Mr. Piggy-Wig approached their table, an ornate bowl in hand.
"Well congratulations to you again, young lovers. I hope you are enjoying yourselves. I've brought you a bowl of quince pudding; it's a very well loved tradition here that the wedded couple share a bowl of quince together." Mr. Piggy-Wig held out the bowl expectantly and Allen quickly held out his hands to receive the gift.
"How nice! Of course we'd be honoured to upkeep your traditions!" Allen exclaimed.
"Ah, good man! I shall just point out that spoon there; it has been part of the tradition for many years, a Runcible, would you believe, barely any of them left in circulation, yes it's a very old, antique make." Placing the bowl down on the table Allen lifted up the spoon, turning it over he could see the name Runcible etched into the silver.
"Uh, and what a pretty spoon it is," Allen said uncertainly.
"Well I shall leave you to it! It looks like it will be night soon, my hasn't the day gone fast!" and with a wave Mr. Piggy-Wig went off to talk to some more of his acquaintances at the gathering. Allen took a hesitant bite of the quince pudding.
"Mmm pudding." Allen said after he'd swallowed the bite. "Well Kanda, open wide." Putting the spoon down for a moment Allen reached over to pull off the gag that he'd put over Kanda's mouth shortly after the ceremony, and finally given the chance to speak Kanda opened his mouth.
"You stupid—" Kanda tried to shout but was abruptly cut off when Allen shoved the Runcible spoon full of quince pudding into his mouth.
It was in this manner that Allen continued to feed Kanda the quince, having a few bites himself in between, till the bowl was completely empty and the crowd cheered at the sight, entreating them to dance. Enlivened by the crowds merriment Allen soon jumped to his feet dragging Kanda along to the edge of the sand and under the moonlight proceeded to dance the night away, in a very stiff and awkward manner.
xxxxx
Blearily Allen opened his eyes, his head throbbing painfully, and glanced about the very familiar looking room. A second later and a concerned Lavi appeared in his line of sight.
"Hey Moyashi, you awake? You're in the Black Order Headquarters' infirmary. How are you feeling?" Lavi asked while helping Allen to sit up in the bed.
"Urgh, 'm thirsty, my head hurts and so does my stomach." Allen rubbed his stomach tentatively trying to figure out how he got there.
"Yeah Kanda managed to punch you a couple of times before we could restrain him." And with those few words the memories came flooding back.
"Oh god." Allen whimpered holding his head in his hands. "Lavi, I think I've done something very stupid."
"So Allen why didn't you invite us to the wedding?" Lavi smirked at the distressed exorcist.
"Oh god, I don't even know why it happened but this is all my fault!" Allen cried out in despair.
"Well it's not entirely your fault." Allen looked up hopefully at Lavi who began to recount his story. "We were all really worried when you didn't check in with us when your ship was supposed to arrive; we thought maybe the Noah had attacked you. But then Timcanpy came through and managed to replay all the events, it took us some time but we eventually tracked you down by Kanda's golem and by the time we'd got to you, you were ready to 'take Kanda to bed'. Luckily we managed to stop you and then Kanda got in his punches before you passed out.
During that time Kanda explained everything that happened from the time the akuma attacked till we got to the island. Deciding that your behaviour was odd, Komui gave you a quick check up, and he found high quantities of a euphoric drug in your system. So while I got you back to Headquarters, Komui and Kanda stayed behind to try to work out how the drug got into you. It turns out the honey you consumed on the boat was heavily laced with the drug.
The nurses pumped what they could out of your system but you'd been under the influence for quite sometime and so they felt it best in you were kept sedated until the drug left your body completely. So the good news is that it was you that forced Kanda to marry you, but not really." Lavi said reassuringly to Allen, giving him a pat on the shoulder.
"So you're saying my actions were due to the influence of the drug?" Allen sat up, a burden lifted from his shoulders and a hopeful smile on his face.
"Exactly" Allen's smile grew wider.
"So I'm not married to Kanda?"
"No you're married to Kanda, nothing we could do about that. But don't worry Kanda's been specifically told not to kill you or cause you any undue damage and he's had a couple of days to vent his anger out, you do not want to know what he did to the men who he hunted down for trying to smuggle the drug in the honey. Anyway, Tiedoll, Cross and Komui have been arranging your wedding party, we've just been waiting for you to wake up really and Komui has arranged for you to have marriage counselling twice a week." Mouth open aghast Allen tried to crawl back in to the bad and die.
-The End-