Headmaster Cid: Yes, Square's trying to cut its losses after the release of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest 2...
Zell: Those idiots... why'd they do a thing like that?
Cid: It was that or Final Fantasy Tactics: The Expanded Edition, featuring 83 new characters.
Zell: ...point taken.
Irvine: But why us? Why not Final Fantasy 7?
Cid: Actually...
Quistis: And where's the script?
Cid: ...there is no script. To answer Zell's question, they are making a Final Fantasy 7 show as well. In fact, Square's already given too much of its money to the funding of that show, so we have to write our own script...
Selphie: This sounds fun!
Cid: ...by tonight. Shooting starts tomorrow morning.
All: WHAT?!!!
Squall: ...ever.
Raijin: That's not nearly enough time, ya know?
Fuujin: RAGE.
Selphie: C'mon you guys! We can do it!
Irvine: Selphie's right. I mean, how hard can it be to throw together some kind of script... everyone loves us anyway!
Rinoa: We just need to figure out everything people liked about the game... the complex characters, twisting storyline, the love story...
Selphie: Yeah! But we gotta throw in other stuff people love too, like bishonens and cuddly animals and BLOWING THINGS UP! WOO HOO!
Rinoa: Um, Selphie, that's just stuff you like.
Selphie: Oh yeah.
Laguna: But the animal thing is a good idea, every series needs a mascot! Am I right or am I right?
Cid: That's true. We need to merchandise like crazy.
Irvine: So the first thing we have to do is get rid of the unpopular GFs.
Selphie: No, silly! We have to make more GFs!
Rinoa: Hey, that sounds like fun...
Seifer: You guys are so stupid. I know the surefire way to make our show number one.
Zell: Yeah, right, I'll believe that when I see it.
Seifer: Shut up, chickenwuss.
Zell: Damn you!
Kiros: We ought to listen to him, he has been quiet this whole time.
Seifer: Thanks, homo-boy.
Ward: ...
Seifer: Now, as I was saying, we need to give the public what it wants. And what the public wants is a sitcom!
Laguna: Okay! Lets get to work on the script! Someone start writing this down. Scene 1: We start out with an shot of Balamb garden, then zoom-
Raijin: Seifer, aren't you gonna show them that script you already wrote, ya know?
Seifer: Shut up! You weren't supposed to tell anyone!
Fuujin: DUMBASS.
Raijin: Ow!! Fuuj, geez, ya didn't have to do that!
Selphie: Booyaka! Seifer, let's see your script!
Seifer: It's a work in progress.
Rinoa: Pleeeeeeeeeeease? We really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to see it.
Seifer: It's really old...
Selphie: C'mon! It'd be just super keen if you let us use it!
Seifer: You're not going to stop are you?
Selphie: Not as such, no.
Seifer: Argh! Fine! Take it, before I change my mind!
Irvine: Okay, lets see here... we'll try out this scene first.
(cue background music: "Balamb Garden")
Zell: Mmm... munch munch chomp... I love hotdogs. Stuffs his face with hot dogs.
Selphie: (whispering) Baka! Don't read the stage directions!
Rinoa: Hey, Zell. Did you hear about Squall.
Selphie: (whispering) Put some feeling into it...
Zell: No, what happened?
Rinoa: He died horribly somehow. Yay!
(canned laughter)
Zell: Who are you, anyway?
Rinoa: I'm Rinoa, Seifer's girlfriend.
Zell: Hi, I'm Zell. Check out my mad fighting skeelz!... ow, I punched myself in the face.
(canned laughter)
Rinoa: Oh, so you must be the chickenwuss I've heard so much about.
(canned laughter)
("Balamb Garden" background music is cut off suddenly, with a screeching sound.)
Zell: Seifer!!
Squall: Seifer...
Rinoa: PREPARE TO DIE!
(Various sounds are heard: punching, kicking, slashing, girlish screaming.)
Seifer: (whimpering) I... told you... not to read it...
(thunk)
Raijin: I guess we'd better take him to Dr. Kadowaki's office, ya know?
Fuujin: INFIRMARY.
Quistis: Ahem. Now that you're all done beating each other up, can we get to work?
Rinoa, Zell: ...sorry.
Squall: Whatever.
Irvine: Hey, I have an idea!
Selphie: What is it?
Irvine: Sex appeal! Its the surefire way to take our show to the top! Now, first the costumes need to be changed... Selphie, your dress is okay, but throw on these boots instead of the ones you have on.
Selphie: Yay! Now I'm as tall as Quistis!
Irvine: Now, Rinoa, you put this on...
Rinoa: Umm, Irvine, this is just a bikini top and short shorts.
Irvine: I know, I know, but we have to have at least one conservative female character for the kiddies to look up to. Now, Quistis...
Quistis: If this involves a thong in any way, you're dead meat, Kinneas.
Irvine: Nothing of the sort! Now, a refined woman like you needs a regal outfit... and in this red leather catsuit, I guarentee everyone will call you queen!
(a zipping sound is heard)
Quistis: Irvine, I think the zipper is broken, I can't get it past my navel.
Irvine: No, its not broken.
Quistis: ...
Irvine: Okay, lets start the show!
(cheesy 70s music plays)
Irvine: (deep voice) Three very different girls: one, a new SeeD from Trabia, another, a former SeeD instructur from Balamb, and the third, a resistance member from Timber. Each one left behind their lives to work for Cid, and they are... Garden's Angels!
Rinoa: This is worse than Seifer's idea.
Selphie: Shhhh! We're starting!
(cheesy music fades out)
Cid: Hello, Angels.
Rinoa, Selphie & Quistis: Hello, Cid!
Cid: I've got a new assignment for you. Irvine, tell them about it.
Irvine: Angels, this is going to be your hardest mission yet. You need to go to Deling City and infiltrate the offices of Girl Next Door. The three of you will pose as hopeful models and-
Quistis: I don't like the sound of this.
Rinoa: Irvine, we are *not* doing a full 26 episodes of this garbage!
Selphie: What's "Girl Next Door"?
Cid: I think its time we took a coffee break...
***********************************************************
In case you haven't already figured it out, this is completely inspired by Evangelion: Addition. The full text of it can be found all over the web, and if you're an Eva fan, I recommend you read it! Its hilarious. Anyway, I'll post the next chapter of this soon, in the meantime, R&R please! Next time: Selphie, Rinoa and Ellone's ideas! Booyaka!