ALIENS vs RED DWARF
CHAPTER 1
Lister lay in his bunk. reading his magazine. not much in it. just the qualities of ants, motorcycle catalogs. he simply couldn't find much in the entertainmentcabinets inside his prison cell. He looked down at rimmer. who was sound asleep. "hmm. this motorcycle, it says it Can go over 190 miles per hour. that's unreal you know?" rimmer snorted and looked up at the outdentation of Lister's butt in the bunk. "Lister. what time is it?" he asked. Lister looked at his wrist watch.
"five fifty five why?" Lister replied. rimmer sighed and rolled over.
"Oh nothing. its just that i am used to waking up at seven. not waking up to the shape of you're black hole of a butt at five in the morning." rimmer said a she slid out of bed. Lister was disgusted. "My but is not that big!" he said.
"Have you ever looked at it? its bigger then the Himalayas." Rimmer sat down at the table. Lister grumbled and looked more at his motorcycle catalog. After a few minutes of silence. "a talking motorcycle? like a talking toaster wasn't bad enough. that thing would want you to drive all of the time wouldn't it?" Lister asked.
"oh you mean talkie toaster? that annoying prat we found in a million pieces down in the cargo bay?" Rimmer asked. "they fixed him you know. he's lonely now in you're quarters. or former quarters." rimmerwalked to the entertainment cabinet. there, he found a chess set. all of the squares were painted different, and it said beneath it 'button board'. Rimmer scoffed and dumped it in the basket. After a few more minutes, Lister got bored and headed over to the pipe, spoon in hand. "you're not gonna call bob again are you? breakfast isn't til seven thirty." rimmer said as he found a book on boots. he sat down and began to read. Lister tapped in a code. a reply came, and he replied to that. the exchange wenton before bob the scutter came down through the vent. "yes." Lister ran up and took some chicken vindaloos, and poppadoms from the scutter. it made some noises and retreated.
"my god. you are that adicted..." Rimmer rubbed his nose and kept reading. lister stuffed himself.
--
A number of people were at the bridge. consuls bleeping. hollister walked around the bridge. almost nothing was happening at this point. "hollister sir?" one of the officers said. hollister walked up. "what?" he asked with a yawn.
"we just picked up a signal from the planet we passed a few days ago. distress." the officer said. hollister rubbed his fat chin. "Patch it through holly." hollistersaid. Sound came over the bridge. the sound of firing pulse rifles, shrieks from inhuman creatures, and screams of fear and agony. "this is the Colonial marines ship, the predator! we are under attack! xenomorphs have flooded the ship! we cant fend them of--------AAAHHHH!!!!----"the transimission died. hollister seemed to be mildly concerned. "how old is that signal?" he asked.
"about.. 12 years." the officer replied. hollister nodded. "bring us back to that planet. assemble the canaries."
"yes sir."
--
Rimmer was trying to ignore Lister. Lister had been blabbing for about 25 minutes now. "so you see rimmer," he continued. "the polymorph had taken you're anger, my fear, krytens guilt, and the cats vanity." Rimmer was wigging out. he had been listening to this outrageously detailed story about the polymorph for 25 minutes. 'we went down and we-"
"shut up!" rimmer said at last. Lister looked at him surprised. the door suddenly opened. a guard came through. "canary assembly. be there In 10 minutes." the guard sad. he was fairly tall, with back skin, and no hair. Lister was dashing for his uniform and putting it on. the yellow and black suit fit perfectly. "um. sir? whats this meeting about?" rimmer asked.
"canary Assembly. be there In ten minutes." the guard repeated. and left. rimmer quickly got into his uniform and followed Lister.
--
Ackerman looked down at the canaries. 20 had been assigned to this mission. "you have all been called here for a mission...maggots. the captain himself will be giving the briefing." Ackermanstepped aside and hollisterwalked up. "From the planet we passed a few days ago, we detected a distress signal from a none space-corp vessel. the predator. a colonial marines ship apparently. they said something about a 'xenomorph'. you all, are going to go down there and investigate the disappearance of the crew. it is fairly old, 12 years, so i advise caution. and you might just have to use those guns of yours for once. that is all." hollister said. Kill crazy suddenly freaked. "LETS GO KILL SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed like no there first mission. Everyone filtered out.
--
the canary ship came down and landed not far form the ship. the ground around it was covered in an ancient black chitin. Lister took point of his group. the ships halls were a silvery color. or would be if the chitin wasnton them. Lights flickered on and off. kill crazy seemed to be rather enjoying himself. "finally, we'll get to kill something." rimmer opened his mouth to speak, hesitated. and spoke. "we killed that giant tentacle monster back on that ocean moon remember? the big purple one that covered Lister in the green slime?" Lister glowered at Rimmerfor reminding him of that ratherundignified event. Kochanski grumbled. "now stay together everyone, we don't want to die in here." kryten said.
"If any of us dies, then life might just become a bit more sane around here." Kochanskisaid. She suddenly showed her light over the wall, and jumped back, screaming briefly. Lister aimed his rifle. there was a skeleton in the chitin. "whatever did this? whatever did, they'll enjoy my rifle! Heheyes!!" Kill crazy said happily. Lister rolled his eyes and kept going down the hall.
--
they eventually came to a large chamber. there was a box in the middle. Kryten ran the psy-scan over it. "extraordinary! there's a life form in here! he said. Lister looked the box over. "we should take it back to red dwarf. they can examine it further there." kochanski said. Cat suddenly sniffed the air. "there's something in here." he said.
"are you referring to me!?" Backster asked as he came up behind the cat. cat quickly walked away from the fat man. he activated the light on his gun, and shined it forwards. there was an exo-skeletal creature there. but it was dead. several bullet holes were In its head. Cat picked it up and opened its mouth. he saw another mouth inside. the creature was black as tar, and it had pipes coming out of its back, its body was exo-skeletal. Kill crazy suddenly smiled, and pushed cat aside. He lifted the dead monster up. "so...this is a xenomorph!? lets go find some of em! i want to fight em!!!"
"crazy man you'll just die! you know that these things wiped out this whole ship!" Kryten said.
"so what? i am more then a ship! I'm as big as a sun!" Crazy said. He punched the xenomorphs body. and it fell away form him. he smirked at the thought of fighting one of these for real. "come on blokes. lets get out of here." Lister said. they headed back for the ship.
--
"do you think this is gonna be a bad mistake?" kochanski asked as the ship flew back towards red dwarf.
"i dunno. maybe theres a beutiful women in that box." cat said.
"doubtful," rimmerbegan. "that thing is much to Small for anything smaller then a bird eater spider to fit inside." he finished. they made it back safe and sound.
--
Lister walked up to his bunk and flopped down on it. Rimmer set down his pack and got out of his uniform. "well listey. there are aliens in this world." rimmer said.
"there is a whole Galaxy out there rimmer. of course there are aliens." Lister said. he lay back on his bunk. rimmer turnendd over and fell asleep. but Lister couldn't help but feel nervous about the box they had broughtonboard.