Lily turns in her bed, tangling the sheets around her legs. She sighs and gets up. It's too hot to sleep and her mind is much to full. She walks the short way over to the window in her dormitory and pushes it open, letting the chilly night air wash over her face. She sits on the window sill and looses herself in her thoughts. She then realizes that she's thinking of him and shakes herself, cursing her traitorous mind. But now she's let the thoughts surface, she can't blanket them. She sighs again and quietly walks to the door. Mercifully, it doesn't creak when she opens it and slips out, shutting it softly behind her. She reaches the common room and breaths deeply, letting herself think the thoughts that are usually forbidden. As she crosses to the window, she realises that she is not alone as she thought she was. Someone is sitting in the chair in the corner, almost completely hidden in the shadow of the night, but the moons light just touching their face. The figure shifts slightly, throwing their features into greater prominence. Lily's breath catches as she sees who it is. He's asleep in the chair, his face relaxed. He looks so utterly vulnerable in that moment; she wants to watch him forever. But he stirs as she approaches, almost as though he could sense her standing there. His eyes flick open quickly and he stares at her standing before him, saying nothing.
The silence is not uncomfortable, it never is with him. But she feels she needs to speak.
'Sirius' she says, softly, looking into his stormy grey eyes.
He smiles at the sound of his name coming from her. It's a small smile, the smile she loves. 'Lily' he says, looking fleetingly at her lips before looking back into her eyes. It never fails to amaze him, how effortlessly beautiful she is. She's beautiful in way no other girl could ever dream of being. It's not a classic beauty or an ostentatious beauty, there really is no way to describe it but it's so utterly Lily that it doesn't matter.
She sits opposite him. He wonders what she's thinking but her face betrays no emotion. He looks down; it is dangerous to look into Lily Evans' eyes for too long.
'Sirius' she says again, but now with a different emotion. Sadness. It kills him to know that he is the reason for so much sadness to be in her voice. 'Sirius…why does it have to be like this? Why can't we just…be together? Like before?'
He sees the hope in her eyes and hears the want in her voice. He wants so desperately to give in. He wants so much to be with her. But it's not that easy. Nothing is ever that easy.
'You want it to be like before? The sneaking around? The lies? The guilt?' The guilt. That's what pushed him over the edge before. He can't do that to James, after all James had done for him.
'I...it was better than this' she looks down, but not before he catches a glimpse of her expression.
Yes, he silently agrees. Yes it was better than this. Being with you, no matter what the situation, would always be better than this.
'Can't we just…go back? Please Sirius. I can't just pretend -' she breaks off, not wanting to continue because she's realised she's begging.
He wants to say yes. He wants to feel her again. It would make it better. For him and for her. But he needs to say no. He can't betray his friend.
'I…God, Lily' he says, putting his face in his hands. He looks up then, running a hand through his hair. 'Lily I -' he breaks off, not knowing what to say. But it doesn't matter with her. She understands. She knows him better than anyone else.
'I'm sorry Sirius. I shouldn't have asked' she starts to stand but her grabs her hand. His body reacts instantly to this simple connection; like it's unraveling at the seams. He lets go quickly before he does anything else.
'Lily, I want to. I want to so much it's taking all my restraint not to just…' he sighs and then continues. 'But I can't. Lily, you just…James would kill me. I can't do that to him. He's my family'
Lily smiles a sad smile and reaches a hand out to touch his face. She 'I know, Sirius. I can't do that to him either. I don't want to break his heart. He doesn't deserve that'
It hurts him so much to let her go. But he knows it's for the best. They were destroying each other. Killing each other from the inside out.
I love you, he wants to say, but he doesn't. He can't. It will be so much harder to watch her go if he does.
It kills her to know they will never know each other in that way again. But she has to let go. For him. She'll do it for him.
They both stand, at the exact same moment. He reaches for her face and pulls her lips to his. Their kiss is not like the others. It's not the raw, fiery need they were used to. There's a different emotion in this kiss. Pain. And loss. His cheeks soon become wet from her tears.
They both know this kiss is closure. They will never be together again in this way. As Lily steps back, she sees that there is a change in his eyes. The storminess in them has intensified, somehow. A storm he will never bother to conceal from her. He lets her see him for exactly how he is, and she does the same. Her eyes seemed to have dimmed slightly. The small part of light in them that was Sirius had gone out. No one else would notice. But he did. They saw each other in a way no one else could. They say that eyes are windows to the soul, and they're right. When Lily and Sirius looked at each other, they were seeing right into each others' soul. That's how it is with them. They are exposed and bare in each other's eyes, unable to conceal anything. He wants to stay with her in that moment forever, looking into each other's eyes, seeing each other for exactly who they are.
But time is cruel, and it keeps moving.
She turns to leave, walking slowly back to the girls' staircase. She does not look back as she goes. It will be impossible to leave if she does. She reaches her dormitory and climbs back into her bed. Her thoughts drift to earlier that day, spent with James. He had taken her hand and squeezed, looking down at her with loving eyes. Then he had kissed her lightly, his lips lingering. James is a wonderful man, and he is good to her. He is good for her. And she does not deserve him. She knows she will grow to love him in that way, someday. When she lets go of Sirius. If she lets herself. If she can.
Sirius watches her go. He knows this is the right thing to do, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. He, too turns to leave, but not for his dormitory. He leaves through the portrait hole and heads towards the kitchens, not caring if he gets caught. He reaches the kitchens and sighs, grabbing a bottle of Firewhisky from a shelf and shaking his head at the house elves that approach him. He sits at a table, slumping over and taking swigs from the bottle. The bitter taste of alcohol is welcome to him. He wonders, hopes that time will erase the memory of how good it feels to be with Lily Evans. But deep down, he knows he will never forget. Not entirely. Not ever. He sits and stares into nothing, the soft crackle of the fire growing to a deafening roar inside his head. He puts the now empty bottle of Firewhisky back on the table and reaches for another one. Raising the bottle to his lips, he takes a sip, pauses, and then lowers it. It isn't the same. It will never be the same. Raising the bottle again he takes a large gulp and looks into the fire, watching the small flames dance. Maybe, just maybe, he'll be alright again without her. The drink will never be like her drug, not ever. But it can dull the pain. It can dull the pain. For now.
AN: Thanks for reading! This is my first fanfic and it took me a while to get up the courage to post it. Tell me what you think!
Ellie.