"Stop following me." Dirk snapped at Squarewave, toiling ridiculously close to his SWEET KICKS. The ever insatiable brobot edged ever closer, humming with anticipation of spitting such SUBPAR RHYMES.
"There's no point in challenging me, I've trounced you time and again. Your game is stale as fuck." He dismissed the bot with a CALLOUS GESTURE and walked off.
Don't dismiss a bro
tryin to get a rapoff this crass
Cuz I'll attack
Words sharp as tacks
On your scaredy plush ass.
The bot slammed down an IRRESISTABLE QUIP, bouncing on his haunches excitedly. Dirk turned to face Squarewave, shades shining with some VICIOUS POETIC INSPIRATION.
You're fighting with a Strider
I ain't scared of you, bro!
My rap skills are too fast
Your processors so slow
I'll spit such venom out
You wont be asking for more
Now step the FUCK off my shit
Before I show you the door
Dirk spat such sicknasty rhymes, falling heavily on Squarewave. The robot clicked and whirred louder, clearly troubled at the intimidating retort. Squarewave readied himself for an unsatisfactory conceding of defeat just as Jake walked in.
"Evening, Strider. Torrential weather we're havin, yeah?" he shook off his overcoat, raindrops falling to the floor from the slick material. "Pickin fights with your good pal, I see." He chuckled at the robots clear anticipation, his every gear churning at a second shot at Dirk's RIDICULOUS SHIT. Adjusting his bifocals on the bridge of his nose, he flashed a brash smile at his friend.
Dirk looked away, scratching his head in a suave "brush off your bropals sentiment" sort of way. "How can I help out my bro English today?" Dirk asked casually, pretending he wasn't UNBEARABLY STOKED at Jake's presence.
"Just figured I'd check in, see if you've checked out Sburb yet. It's some wild stuff." Jake slammed his Pesterchum helmet on Dirk's table, sending the CROWD OF PLUSHRUMPS asunder.
"Yeah, I'm chin-deep in that shit, still asleep all Prince-like though, or so the citizens think." Dirk grinned proudly, patting his rather aggravating A.I., disguised as yet another pair of his BITCHIN SHADES. "My shades have been ensuring everything stays copacetic stateside."
"Yeah, all they've done is backsass me and give Roxy and Jane a right antagonizing." Jack argued. "It handed my proverbial arse to me in a surprise attack. Complete bollocks…"
"Face it, my BRITISH BROHAN. Until you can defeat your assailant mano a mano, you're as hopeless as those weird bull fairies that seem to take a liking to weak, British chaps."
Jake snorted, kicking back on Dirk's bed, admiring the rather absurdly large poster of Stiller and Wilson, the sickest bro-cops to ever live. "If I weren't mistaken, little white bulls aren't the only ones that take a liking to British chaps like myself." Jake smirked. "Or…so I hear."
Dirk simply wouldn't allow a misstep in his stride, although admittedly laughed a bit too loud in response. He sat at his desk, leaving Jake's statement stale in the air, rummaging for his Xbox controller among a PLETHORA OF PUPPETS.
tipsyGnostalgic began bothering gutsyGumshoe at 10:30
TG: Jane.
TG: Jane.
TG: Jaaaaaaaaaaaanee
GG: What's all this "Jaaaaane"-ing about?
TG: So have u asked egnlishf about goin on a non bromantic date yet?
TG: *englifh*
TG: *English*
GG: Sort of…
TG: so howdit go? Telel me all the drity details dnot hold ot on me Jnan
TG: *Jann*
TG: *Jane*
GG: Perhaps you should stop boozing before I tell you.
TG: Don't jdudge me cocker
TG: fuck
TG: *Crocker*
TG: herr I am totes setitin my pal with prosipts mos elgigible bach
TG: *bac*
TG: *Hot guy*
TG: Anad youuuuuu mizzJaaaaneyy are all pissin in my provrerbrial cheerios boutit
GG: Well, there's no need for your assistance.
GG: No offense, but if you'd inquired Jake on his, erm…ideals…you'd know I don't stand a chance.
TG: tats bullshiiiite hes totes down to raid your bitches
TG: *britches*
GG: He wants to try to be with Dirk, Roxy.
TG: Ohlolololulululolz. Shiiit Jananey I shulda noun
TG: *known*
TG: those shades kinda spilled the homosexual beans on dick stridreeeer
TG: wat a pity id totes ride his rnainbow tran to Gayspit anytime
GG: Do we really need to talk about this?
GG: I already feel bad enough as it is.
TG: im trynin ta be here fro you janeee omg dont trun me away
GG: It's fine, Rox, I just need some time to kinda get over it, y'know?
GG: Not like I'm not already over it, I'm totally over it, hahahahahaha!
TG: um jan no offens but youre bein all defensviv wit me an don be like thtat cuz im hearree for youuuu
TG: *cue chesy bes chum music*
gutsyGumshoe ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic at 11:10
Jane sat at her laptop, massaging her temples in frustration. Today had gone so unbelievably wrong, all because that Dirk couldn't keep his mitts off her man!
Um. Jake. Yeah. Of course that's what was meant. Jake was no one's man.
Except possibly Dirk's.
She just had to be so fucking stupid and simply allowed Jake to surmise his romantic plans uninterrupted. She'd tried to confront Jake first, but due to Roxy's inebriated meddling, in a matter of seconds "Jake, do you like me?" quickly deferred to "You should give Dirk a chance!"
She was his friend naturally, and whatever he wanted of course was what she'd somewhat happily coincide with. But she'd come so close, Jake himself even asking if she had a "thing" for him. Damn Jake English and his British panache. She'd quickly shot that whim down in a cruel, aggressive gesture with Jake's favored twin revolvers of intuition and boyish adventurers wonder.
Even worse, she proceeded to respond to his "Dirk-themed inquiries/thoughts" with ample exclamation points and vigorous head-desking. Jake knew her well, piquing his interest with her unusually blunt exclamations, but she'd thoroughly assured him she was perfectly fine.
Despite matters being obviously NOT ACCEPTABLE, Jake wished her farewell, and knowing him would be pursuing Dirk and his whereabouts as she sat in her chair, gripping the armrests like vices, cursing her GIRL SKYLARK-grade awkwardness. Her attention diverted to her computer as a rather familiar and persistent instant messaging client flashed a message.
tipsyGnostalgic began bothering gutsyGumshoe at 11:40
TG: Jnaaaneeyyyy jnaaaaneyye gib me ur answawer truuuuu~
TG: im durnk as ever ofor th love of uuuu
GG: …yes, Roxy?
TG: lissstennnn you still hav a chance tochange jakes mind
TG: cmonnn missenglifishh hear me out
GG: Yeah, how ever am I going to do that? It isn't proper to interfere with Jake's business, I should leave them be.
TG: we both kno thtat you aren't gona take that shet sittin pretty jane
TG: do ya rlelly want jakes eneglish in driks strider
TG: orrrr visaversa cuz we both totes kno jakes a brit aka a bottom bich
TG: *bitch*
GG: I think you should go have a nap, Roxy. Your typos only get worse and you're hardly making sense.
TG: nononono trusme. Go find jakeyjake an tell him how you rely felle.
TG: he'll forget bout shades mcgay an totes run into your beckonin arms
GG: That's sort of a long shot, Roxy.
GG: I appreciate your help, but just desperately trying to find him like in those romance movies isn't going to do much.
TG: nooo he'll be alike "Ohshit jnaaaanae babay, oy oi loik yew lets get hitched over tea, we will!"
GG: ...what a spot on impression.
TG: get goinn janey times wasted
TG: *wastin*
tipsyGnostalgic ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe at 12:30
To be continued! Yeah this is my second Homestuck fic, and Im aware there might be quite a few factual errors here...but Im not aiming for accuracy as far as the story goes. Dis be all about the love, man. :D
Chapter two will be out sometime this week. Review, lemme know if you liked it. Fun Fact: For effect, after I wrote the chat dialogue, I got drunk that night and attempted typing it to get those legit typos haha.
Roxy's drunken slurs brought to you by: 4lokos :D