Losing
Shinji finally did it. He beat my synch ratio.
I can't let this happen. How did I let this happen?
I know there must be something I can do. It's not like I was
working my very hardest.
Who am I kidding, of course I was. I was working my butt off
and I was the best. Oh sure, I acted like I could be trying harder.
Like it took no effort to pilot one of those things.
If it were anyone else... I would be fine. Even if Kensuke got
in an Eva and beat me during his very first test, it wouldn't hurt me
even half this much. Why? Why is beating Shinji so important?
The moment I saw my score I felt like I was dying, like I was
falling through a black hole. It was down from the last test. I was
LOSING. To myself of all people. I couldn't even bear to look at
Shinji's score, but I already knew it was higher. Misato congratulated
him and he acted like it bothered him to be praised. I could kill him
for that. The one thing that matters to me in the world is taken away
from me by someone who isn't even grateful for it.
What bothers me the most is that he has it easy. Everyone
loves Shinji Ikari, the famous 3rd Child! Misato spends all her spare
time trying to help Shinji feel better about himself. Touji and Kensuke
are always there for him, even Rei seems to like him. Well, more than
she likes me. Not that Wondergirl matters at all.
Everyone sees him as "poor Shinji", the "little boy with no
one to turn to". "Oh, we have to be nice to him because his father is
so mean to him." "Oh, look at the poor little Shinji, we have to be
nice to him because he didn't ask to be a pilot, but he does it anyway.
Whatta guy."
But here's me, Asuka Langly Sohryu, the 2nd Child. Let's see
what people think of me: All the girls at school (except for Hikari)
hate me. No, its true. I can see them glare at me when I walk by. Its
pretty obvious. I mean, whenever I try to be nice to one of them she
gives me this nice act that I can tell is fake.
Most of the boys at school won't take me seriously just because
I happen to look above average. Even Shinji! I remember when I was
trying to help him out and explain physics to him. All he could do was
stare at my chest! Misato, well, she couldn't care less about how I
feel. Even when we were at the hot springs, we started to talk about my
mother. All I wanted her to do was ask me to talk about it. I would
have given anything to have her ask me how I felt, but instead she
just dropped the subject.
So why do people always feel so bad for Shinji? People feel
sorry for him because his father abandoned him, but they don't seem
to care about the fact that I found my mother's own body, strangled
to death when she commited suicide after destroying a doll that she
thought was me. I dream about that horrible moment every single night.
Every night.
But they don't know that, so how can I expect them to care?
People think because I act tough I have no feelings. They're
wrong. They think they can say whatever they want about me and it
doesn't bother me. Well, it does.
Shinji could talk to Misato or Rei or Touji or Kensuke about
any problems he has. Who am I supposed to talk to? Hikari? She might
be my friend but I know she wouldn't understand. I have no one.
And now Shinji has taken the last thing I can take solace in
away from me. "I only have one friend in the entire world but I still
have the highest synch ratio." "My mother is dead and I have nightmares
about finding her dead body every night but I still have the highest
synch ratio." "Everybody at school hates me and I can't even get good
marks like I used to because I don't even understand the work, but
that's all okay, because I have the highest synch ratio."
It seems so trivial. I look at myself in the mirror and I
think "What have I become? I'm obsessed with a number. I let a number
determine my self-worth."
Every morning I wake up and say "Today's going to be different.
Today I'm going to drop the walls around myself and be a nice person.
I'm going to make other people feel good about themselves, and they
are going to do the same thing for me." But then I get out of bed and
I see Shinji and Misato, and they're always ganging up on me for
something. Or giving me these petulant looks. Like they think I'm some
petty annoyance.
So I guess I'll just have to deal with losing my identity.
That's okay, I can take it. I'm strong. I should stop whining and
just get used to the fact that I'm history. I can take it. Its easy.
Why am I worrying so much? Its not like it matters. I should just
shut up and accept my life of quiet desperation. I don't want to
become some whiner who clings to the past pathetically.
But why won't the pain go away when I tell it to?
Shinji finally did it. He beat my synch ratio.
I can't let this happen. How did I let this happen?
I know there must be something I can do. It's not like I was
working my very hardest.
Who am I kidding, of course I was. I was working my butt off
and I was the best. Oh sure, I acted like I could be trying harder.
Like it took no effort to pilot one of those things.
If it were anyone else... I would be fine. Even if Kensuke got
in an Eva and beat me during his very first test, it wouldn't hurt me
even half this much. Why? Why is beating Shinji so important?
The moment I saw my score I felt like I was dying, like I was
falling through a black hole. It was down from the last test. I was
LOSING. To myself of all people. I couldn't even bear to look at
Shinji's score, but I already knew it was higher. Misato congratulated
him and he acted like it bothered him to be praised. I could kill him
for that. The one thing that matters to me in the world is taken away
from me by someone who isn't even grateful for it.
What bothers me the most is that he has it easy. Everyone
loves Shinji Ikari, the famous 3rd Child! Misato spends all her spare
time trying to help Shinji feel better about himself. Touji and Kensuke
are always there for him, even Rei seems to like him. Well, more than
she likes me. Not that Wondergirl matters at all.
Everyone sees him as "poor Shinji", the "little boy with no
one to turn to". "Oh, we have to be nice to him because his father is
so mean to him." "Oh, look at the poor little Shinji, we have to be
nice to him because he didn't ask to be a pilot, but he does it anyway.
Whatta guy."
But here's me, Asuka Langly Sohryu, the 2nd Child. Let's see
what people think of me: All the girls at school (except for Hikari)
hate me. No, its true. I can see them glare at me when I walk by. Its
pretty obvious. I mean, whenever I try to be nice to one of them she
gives me this nice act that I can tell is fake.
Most of the boys at school won't take me seriously just because
I happen to look above average. Even Shinji! I remember when I was
trying to help him out and explain physics to him. All he could do was
stare at my chest! Misato, well, she couldn't care less about how I
feel. Even when we were at the hot springs, we started to talk about my
mother. All I wanted her to do was ask me to talk about it. I would
have given anything to have her ask me how I felt, but instead she
just dropped the subject.
So why do people always feel so bad for Shinji? People feel
sorry for him because his father abandoned him, but they don't seem
to care about the fact that I found my mother's own body, strangled
to death when she commited suicide after destroying a doll that she
thought was me. I dream about that horrible moment every single night.
Every night.
But they don't know that, so how can I expect them to care?
People think because I act tough I have no feelings. They're
wrong. They think they can say whatever they want about me and it
doesn't bother me. Well, it does.
Shinji could talk to Misato or Rei or Touji or Kensuke about
any problems he has. Who am I supposed to talk to? Hikari? She might
be my friend but I know she wouldn't understand. I have no one.
And now Shinji has taken the last thing I can take solace in
away from me. "I only have one friend in the entire world but I still
have the highest synch ratio." "My mother is dead and I have nightmares
about finding her dead body every night but I still have the highest
synch ratio." "Everybody at school hates me and I can't even get good
marks like I used to because I don't even understand the work, but
that's all okay, because I have the highest synch ratio."
It seems so trivial. I look at myself in the mirror and I
think "What have I become? I'm obsessed with a number. I let a number
determine my self-worth."
Every morning I wake up and say "Today's going to be different.
Today I'm going to drop the walls around myself and be a nice person.
I'm going to make other people feel good about themselves, and they
are going to do the same thing for me." But then I get out of bed and
I see Shinji and Misato, and they're always ganging up on me for
something. Or giving me these petulant looks. Like they think I'm some
petty annoyance.
So I guess I'll just have to deal with losing my identity.
That's okay, I can take it. I'm strong. I should stop whining and
just get used to the fact that I'm history. I can take it. Its easy.
Why am I worrying so much? Its not like it matters. I should just
shut up and accept my life of quiet desperation. I don't want to
become some whiner who clings to the past pathetically.
But why won't the pain go away when I tell it to?