A/N: So this is something that has been going around in my mind since the end of S4, however the timing was lousy and I was stuck with massive exam to study for, I did the exam yesterday and this was written today, it will have a sequel, several of them actually and I hope you will like it. Much love!

Pairing: Arthur/ Merlin- Eventually, it will take sometime and it won't happen in this part.

Warning: Self- harm,cutting, deep depression, suicidel thoughts. Spoilers to the end of S4 so if you haven't seen it yet *how can it be?* you shouldn't read it.

Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to BBC and all that. And the song as well, Linkin park own it and stuff.

Now, enjoy.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again

"Just come with me quietly Merlin and everything will be okay."

Merlin stared at Gwaine.

"Ahm, Gwaine? What are you talking about?" He reached out to touch his friend's shoulder only to have his wrist grabbed and his hand to be twisted behind his back.

"Gwaine! What are you doing?"

"Orders of the king Merlin." Gwaine said and Merlin heard the metallic clink of cuffs being pulled out, the cold metal was burning his skin.

"What?" Merlin said and got a hit to his jaw for his trouble.

"Shut up, sorcerer." And Merlin did.

The hall was quiet when he and Gwaine entered and Merlin's eyes widened when he saw Arthur's face. The king was furious, Merlin never saw him this furious and that scared him.

"I brought him sire." Gwaine said and threw Merlin's shackled form on the floor.

"Arthur, wha-"

"Silence!" Arthur roared as he got to his feet and covered the distance between them, unsheathing his sword mid stride. Merlin scrambled backwards and cried out when Arthur grabbed his hair.

"What were you trying to do sorcerer?" Arthur demanded; his voice cutting.

"What? Arthur I, I don't know wha-" He was cut off again by Arthur slapping him across his face, his ring cutting deep.

"No more lies! We found your letters to Morgana! Your plan to destroy Camelot, I was lucky that my uncle wasn't deceived by your traitors lies."

"Your uncle?" Merlin's eyes moved to Agravaine and his heart sunk.

"Arthur, I swear to you, on my mother's life that I would never try to harm Camelot, and I would never join Morgana."

Arthur moved away and his smile was even more terrifying than his stone cold mask.

"He said you would say that. Guards, take him, he will burn at dawn."

Merlin struggled against them, screaming and trashing in their hold and begging Arthur to believe him.

"Arthur! Please! I'm you friend! Please!"

"I never had a friend who was a traitor." Arthur's reply was heard before the doors banged shut.

Merlin expected the guards to take him to the dungeon but instead they were heading to the court yard. Maybe Arthur changed his mind and he was being burned now?

When they went out into the court yard it was dark and Merlin stared around, it wasn't supposed to be dark, and the yard was, it was in rumbles, stone pieces were strewn everywhere and there were bodies of some of the knights lying on the stones.

"What?" Merlin turned to ask the guard who held his arm what was going on when he noticed he was alone and with no cuffs.

A dark figure appeared from the shadows and Merlin's eyes widened when he recognize Sigan's form. How can it be?

"Who would have guessed, Prince Arthur's manservant is a sorcerer, and a powerful one at that."

And then Merlin saw himself, another Merlin standing in front of Sigan, he was younger than Merlin and dressed differently. What was going on?

Merlin shook his head as he heard Sigan's voice.

"He doesn't deserve your loyalty." Merlin swallowed, he remembered that time.

"He treats you like a slave," Sigan continued and Merlin heard himself answer.

"That's not true."

"He cast you aside without a moment's thought!" Merlin remembered how bad it hurt.

"That doesn't matter." And it didn't, back then, it really didn't, now…

"But it must hurt so much, to be so put upon, so overlooked when all the while you have such power."

Merlin knew what he answered then,

"That's the way it has to be."

"Does it?"

He couldn't look, he couldn't see the moment of hesitation in his own eyes as Sigan offered him to join him, to make Arthur see, and Merlin wasn't sure what would be his answer if Sigan offered him today.

He closed his eyes and waited for the silence to come and it did.

When Merlin opened his eyes he was in the forest, with Gwen and the knights and… the Lamia.

Leon was approaching quickly and Merlin knew what he was going to say before he said it.

"You are not a knight, you are not even a physician, you are nothing but a servant."

The same pain and humiliation flared again and before Merlin could say anything more the forest was gone and he was back at the hall, Arthur was standing before him, quiet and cold.

"Exile. I will not kill you, though the law demands it, but I will give you a chance. Leave Merlin, leave and never return." With that he turned away and strode out of the hall and Merlin fall to the ground, his screams of anguish tearing his body apart.

"Merlin! Merlin!"

Merlin's eyes flew open and he heard several crushing sounds before he focused on Gaius's concerned face.

"Gaius?"

"Are you alright my boy?"

"I, I'm not… what happened?" Merlin rubbed his eyes and looked around, his room was a mass, he didn't have a magical outburst like this in years.

"You were screaming. And reaching for your dagger and trying to claw your own throat out, should I go on?" Gaius asked, his sarcastic voice doing nothing to hide the concern he felt.

"I, I think I had a nightmare."

"I figured that much out my boy, about what?"

"Arthur." Merlin said and waved a hand to restore his room to his normal state.

"He found out about my magic and sentenced me to the pyre."

Gaius looked so old for a second that Merlin regretted telling him.

"Look Gaius it's all right, I'm not-"

But he was cut off by the old man hugging him tightly, his arms crushing Merlin's form.

"I'm so sorry you have to suffer like this," He whispered into Merlin's hair.

"You don't deserve it, my boy, you don't."

Merlin returned the hug and felt his own tears gathering at the edge of his eyes.

"It's okay Gaius, as long as I've got you."

Gaius nodded and pulled away.

"I'll make us a tea and you will tell me everything, it's not good to keep this things in Merlin." Gaius said sternly and Merlin nodded and followed him to the main room.

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean

"It's just… I don't know anything anymore Gaius, I thought I knew but now…" Merlin buried his head in his arms and sighed.

Gaius was silent for several moments before he spoke slowly, considering every word.

"He is under a lot of pressure right now Merlin, you have to understand that."

"I do!" Merlin cried. "I really do, and I try to do everything I can to help but it's just… I know I shouldn't have said these things regarding Gwen but I… I want him to be happy, and he isn't."

"That isn't what needs to concern you right now. Agravaine is."

"I know, Arthur didn't believe me when I told him that he took it and the fact that Morgana probably made a copy so Agravaine could put the real one back wasn't helping. He told me to stop being an idiot as usual and left."

"What was the map?"

"The tunnels, below Camelot, the secret ones."

Gaius frowned. "This isn't good; we need to find out what she is planning."

"I know, believe me I know."

Something was wrong with Merlin. Arthur knew that, he just didn't know what.

Merlin was quiet around him and competent and in a way cold.

There were no silly faces to help Arthur make it through council meetings and no banter, nothing, and Arthur was concerned.

"The taxes over the northern villages will be decreased this year due to the bad harvest they had-" Arthur zoned out, focusing his thoughts and gaze on Merlin instead.

It was unnerving at first, Arthur though that it was just his mind and other things trying to make up for Gwen's loss but as the days went, he realized that it wasn't. And now the ache over Gwen was there, she was a good friend, he maybe even felt something more than that towards her once but now, the ache over loosing Merlin was greater.

Merlin, who was staring off into space, his brow furrowed and his eyes unfocused, Merlin who wasn't looking at Arthur at all this days and when he did it was brief and cold. Arthur needed to make it right. He glanced over to where Mithian sat and decided that a hunt will do well, she liked to hunt and Merlin hated it and so it will be the perfect chance to get him to talk to Arthur.

The meeting ended and Arthur groaned mentally as he rose from his throne, glanced around the table and his eyes fall on Merlin, naturally, as his manservant went to help Gaius, the old man stumbled and it was Agravaine who caught him.

"Careful Gaius, we wouldn't want anything to happen to you, now would we?"

Arthur frowned as Merlin's face hardened and he took Gaius's form from Agravaine, doing his best not to touch the man.

"He is fine, my lord." Merlin spat, his eyes cold and dark.

Arthur remembered Merlin's accusations toward his uncle but surly Merlin couldn't believe them still? They proved that Agravaine wasn't the traitor.

"Merely making sure of that Merlin, like I said we wouldn't want anything to happen to him."

Merlin opened his mouth again when Gaius grabbed his arm harder.

"Thank you for your concern, my lord." He said stiffly and practically dragged Merlin out of the hall. Arthur made to follow then when Mithian called his name and he was forced to remain in the hall.

Later that night he made his way to Gaius's chambers. Telling himself that it was to make sure the old man was all right and had nothing to do with the need to make Merlin talk to him again.

He made it to the door and was about to enter when he heard Merlin's voice.

"Gaius, just drink it."

"It doesn't smell good."

"None of your potions smells good and you don't see us complaining about it."

Arthur stifled a snicker.

"This is not one of my potions Merlin, what is it?" Gaius sounded tired.

Merlin hesitated and Arthur heard a chair being dragged and he guessed that Merlin took a sit.

"Alator." Came Merlin's quiet answer and Arthur tried to remember who was Alator.

"And why exactly did he tell you about it?"

"Come on Gaius, you were half dead when Gwaine and I found you and I was scared so I asked for his help!" The chair was dragged again and Arthur knew that Merlin started pacing.

"His help?" Gaius sounded worried.

"Yes, his help."

"And he gave it to you? Just like that?"

Merlin's laugh was a bit bitter. "Of course he would, after he-"

"All right, I get it, here, I'm taking the potion!"

Arthur heard nothing for a few moments and then Gaius coughed.

Merlin laughed a bit. "Yeah, he said it would be a bit bitter."

"A bit bitter? My boy that was the most disgusting, foul tasting, horrible-"

"May I remind you that you made me drink troll potion? I think I win."

Gaius chuckled. "I almost miss her."

Merlin snorted. "Yeah, a real lady she was, our queen Katrina."

Arthur took a couple steps back before he walked back, and knocked on the door.

"Gaius?"

"Come in."

Arthur opened the door and entered the room, Gaius was lying down on his bed and Merlin was clearing away their dinner.

"Sire, is something wrong?"

"Oh no. Nothing's wrong," Arthur assured him, glancing at Merlin who was ignoring him. "I came by to see how you are. After the council meeting today you seemed a bit unwell."

Gaius looked at him for a moment and then at Merlin.

"I'm quite all right, thank you sire. Nothing a good night's rest won't heal."

And mysterious potions, Arthur thought to himself.

"Right. Good night then Gaius." He turned around and was almost out of the door before he turned and looked at Merlin, who was still not looking at him.

"We are going on a hunt tomorrow Merlin."

Merlin's eyes met his and for a moment Arthur hoped that he would complain and ask if he could stay behind but after a moment he lowered his eyes and replied with a polite.

"Yes sire."

Arthur nodded and walked out, closing the door behind him.

He waited two minutes before he returned and stood near the door, listening.

He was not eavesdropping. He was not.

"Merlin?"

"I'm going to bed Gaius, you heard it, I have a hunt tomorrow."

"Merlin just-"

"What?" Merlin snapped.

"The red bottle, dreamless potion, you screamed again last night."

There was a small pause and then Arthur heard steps and bottles clanking against each other.

"Thanks."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not this one, I really don't want to remember that certain adventure."

"Good night my boy."

"Good night Gaius."

Arthur waited until he heard the door to Merlin's room closing shut before he made his way quietly back to his chambers.

As he settled between his own covers his mind started to wander.

Why would Merlin need a dreamless potion?

What was he screaming about?

What did Gaius know about Merlin that Arthur didn't?

Arthur fell asleep that night with his mind full of Merlin, as usual.

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

Merlin closed his door silently and cast the spell to lock it, another spell and it was sound proof. The potion didn't help, in fact it seemed to make the nightmares worse, as his magic fought the drug and increased their intensity, forcing Merlin to dream about his worst experiences.

He settled on his bed and took a couple of deep breaths, he couldn't stop the trembling in his hands though as he grabbed his dagger.

He knew it was wrong, he knew it was weak, but he didn't care, he had to do something to make the pain stop, anything to make the constant pain and guilt and everything to crush down on him like giant waves.

His dagger was clean, it was always clean at the beginning and sharp, oh so very sharp.

A small cut at first, on his arm, nothing too serious, the cut flared gold and healed almost immediately, leaving no sign.

Stifling a sob Merlin cut again, deeper this time, trying to get all the guilt out, he knew that if he cut deep enough and had enough cuts he will black out in the end and he will be able to sleep for several hours while his magic fixed his body, erasing all traces of his actions.

He passed out eventually, half a candle mark after midnight, with the dagger clutched tightly in his palm and a pool of his own blood gathering on the floor.

The hunt wasn't going as Arthur planned, he planned to get Merlin alone and demand answers, what he got was a sulky Merlin who refused to ride near his horse and preferred to walk with the rest of the servants and scare the animals off.

When they finally found something worth catching Arthur missed because he was too distracted by the look of shock on Merlin's face. Mithian however, didn't miss.

The night was cold and dark and Arthur knew he should be in bed already but he couldn't move from the window, the coldness from the glass seemed to calm him and his raging thoughts, something about the deer made Merlin anxious and Arthur couldn't stop thinking about what it was.

He glanced down at the courtyard and narrowed his eyes when he saw Merlin's tall figure crossing the yard towards the stables.

Arthur didn't think twice before he followed.

Merlin rode back to the clearing where they shot the deer that Morning and Arthur wandered why.

He got his answer when Merlin dismounted and rushed over to the dark figure on the ground- Gwen.

Arthur thought that he will feel something more, anything, but the only thing he missed was Gwen's company, not her love.

He moved closer and stared as Merlin wrapped her in a cloak and pulled out the arrow that was stuck in her thigh. Gwen was the deer?

"Don't move." He heard Merlin say.

Gwen moaned in pain and Merlin revealed the wound and stared at it hard, he glanced back at Gwen and then put his hand above the wound, a few moments later he removed his hand and sighed. He pulled several bandages from his beg and dressed the wound.

"Gwen? Can you hear me?"

"Merlin?"

"Yeah. Are you hurt anywhere else?"

"No, I, how did you know?"

"Oh, I, ahh… I had a hunch and well, your ah reflection in the water and ahm…"

Merlin stumbled and Arthur knew he was hiding something.

"Oh." Gwen said quietly and rose to a sitting position.

"What are you doing here Gwen?"

"I came to warn Arth- to warn Camelot, Morgana is-"

"I know about the map, what is she going to do?"

"A mercenary, Helios, they will attack Camelot and-"

"Right. Do you know when?"

"Not really."

"We have to get you to Arthur."

"No!"

Merlin stopped his pacing and turned around, his voice pleading.

"Please Gwen. You have too, he will listen to you!"

"I'm exiled Merlin, Camelot isn't my home anymore."

Arthur swallowed around the lump in his throat, Gwen deserved what she got but, well, he missed her. Merlin's reaction to the word exile was more important, his face hardened and he stopped pacing, turning around to face away from Gwen.

"He won't listen to me and Camelot is in danger, you have to come!"

"I, I can't Merlin, I'm sorry, I know you'll think of something and Arthur always listens to you and-"

"He doesn't." Merlin said in a clipped tone and his hand brushed his arm.

"Merlin…"

"I have to go back, Gaius will be worried." Merlin turned around and pulled out a letter from his shirt.

"Go to Ealdor, stay with my mother, she will make sure you'll be fine, give her this letter and tell her not to worry."

"Merlin," Gwen started and then stopped, staring at him. "I'm so sorry, about everything, I shouldn't have-"

"Not your fault Gwen," Merlin said and mounted his horse. "I mean it, it's Morgana's doing and my fault, as always." He turned his horse around and looked down at her.

"I'll see you again Gwen. Stay safe."

With that he rode off and Arthur waited for a few minutes before following.

Arthur followed Merlin to a lake and stopped on the edge of the trees, hidden between the shadows.

Merlin was standing on the shore and staring out into the lake; he picked up two rocks and cast them far into the water.

"When everything is over I will be coming back!" He yelled into the dark water before mounting his horse again and riding back to Camelot.

Arthur looked at the lake and tried to see someone, anyone, but the lake was empty and dark and Arthur frowned, another one of Merlin's secrets.

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder why he felt so relieved that Mithian was leaving, so he didn't.

Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder why Arthur kept staring at him, so he didn't.

Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder when and how Morgana would strike, so he didn't.

Most of all, Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder why he was blushing every time he knew Arthur was looking at him, so he didn't.

Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder why he deserved this destiny, so he didn't.

I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright.
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Morgana decided to make her move two months later and Merlin should have seen it coming, but he was so tired already that it caught him by surprise, just like it caught everyone else. So when Gwaine rushed in, pale faced and with a drawn sword he should have known.

He should have known better than enchant Arthur with that specific spell.

He should have known better than to try and hide with smugglers.

And really, when everything was finally over Merlin was done with them all.

Destiny could find itself a new warlock, Merlin was tired.

Arthur woke up in a small bed with his head exploding, so naturally the first thing he did when he saw Gwen again was to hug her, she was his friend and he missed her, the second thing was to demand that Merlin will explain what was he thinking in bringing them to Ealdor and maybe a cup of water.

He got the water but then his traitors' uncle showed up and there was no time for anything.

He glanced from the hut door and saw Merlin standing with his mother in the middle of the road.

Merlin was gesturing widely around them, his eyes dark and angry and his shoulder's tense.

Arthur had no idea what Merlin was talking about but he knew they had to leave, and fast.

He was about to call to Merlin when Hunith grabbed her son, hugged him and then pushed him in the direction of the hut, smiling bravely even as Agravaine's men swam through the village.

Merlin led them through the forest and toward the tunnels; Arthur had no idea how he stall Agravaine's men and made a mantle note to ask him about it once everything was over.

They ran through the tunnels for what seemed like hours before they saw the exit, which was, of course, the exact moment that they heard the voices behind them.

Merlin volunteered and Arthur didn't have the time to tell him everything he wanted and needed, how desperately he needed to tell him everything, before Merlin was off, gone into the darkness of the tunnels.

He led them to the last tunnel before he couldn't carry on and had to turn back, Merlin, his friend, his Merlin, his everything was in danger.

He found Merlin when he was about to take the second turn, for a moment he just stood there, shocked and happy and pleased and-

"You came back for me." Merlin sounded as shocked as Arthur felt.

"You are my friend," And more, he wanted to add but now was not the time. "I couldn't bear to lose you."

Merlin seemed confused for a moment before he nodded.

They left the tunnels together.

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

Merlin stared out into the night sky, his hand itched to grab his dagger and he was really tired, he haven't slept for the last three days, out of fear that he will do something while asleep and it was getting worse.

He sighed and moved back to the fire, Arthur was discussing with Leon what they should do and Leon said that Helios men won't be a problem, Morgana was, with her magic…

Merlin drifted off, Morgana's magic was his fault, everything Morgana did was his fault, he wanted to scream it to the world and let it be over with, let everything be over with, let them burn him with his magic, let them take his magic away…

Merlin froze. Take the magic away. A slow smile rose on his lips as his plan was formed and he mounted a horse and rode off.

Arthur saw Merlin getting up from the fire, his eyes were unfocused and his brow was furrowed in concentration. He walked a couple of paces before he stopped and smiled, a slow, twisted kind of smile that made Arthur's blood freeze in his veins.

And then he mounted a horse and rode off, Arthur just prayed he will be all right.

"It's over Morgana." Arthur said calmly, his sword, the sword Merlin gave him clutched tightly in his hand.

"It's not!" Morgana screamed and raised her hand, Arthur was ready to block whatever it was she flung their way when Morgana made a frustrated noise and tried again, and again with no success.

Arthur stared at her.

"This cannot be! Emrys!" She screamed and raised her hand again.

Arthur looked around him, looking for another person, someone who might be doing this, his gaze fell on Merlin, Merlin who was standing to the side and staring at Morgana with a satisfied little smile on his face.

Arthur's mind froze. Merlin?

Morgana gave up and made a run for it, Helios stepping forward to take her place and Arthur was too busy fighting to save his life then to follow Merlin as he left the hall.

I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

It was over.

Merlin was standing in Gaius's chambers and looking down at the sleeping man, he nearly lost him this time and the fear of that loss crept inside his heart and chased whatever good feeling of victory he had.

He defeated Morgana, and the look on her face when she realized her magic was gone was priceless, he was sure they had at least a little while before she tried anything again and this time Merlin will be ready.

He walked outside their chambers and down the corridor, catching himself before he turned in the direction of Arthur's chambers, yes they were talking again, and yes Arthur came back for him and said he couldn't bear to lose him, but it wasn't enough.

Merlin knew what he wanted, even if he wouldn't, couldn't, say it out loud and Arthur's announcement that he was going to merry Gwen again was the final proof.

So Merlin climbed one of the towers and stood there for a while, just staring ahead, not really seeing anything.

The dagger was a familiar, comforting pressure against his arm and the pain that fallowed was even more comforting.

He sighed and took the stairs again, walking out to the stables and mounting a horse, he was going to get help, he knew that he had to do something before he broke completely, he was half way there as it was.

Arthur stared at the yard for a long time after Gwen left.

He thought about it, it was the only way. Camelot needed stability and only a queen could do that, but he owed Gwen the truth so he told her that it wouldn't be real, couldn't be real, that for him there was only one, and Gwen smiled and nodded and said that she understood and that if Lance was still… she didn't finish that sentence but Arthur knew. Yes, Gwen was the perfect queen.

Arthur glanced back at the yard and blinked twice before he sighed and moved to the door. Couldn't Merlin rest for a while?

He followed him back to the lake and watched as Merlin sat there for several minutes without doing anything.

Arthur was beginning to get bored and cold when something glowed in the water.

What?

Merlin rose to his feet and walked closer to the water's edge.

"Merlin." A soft voice sounded and Arthur shivered.

"Freya." Merlin greeted back.

Arthur was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Merlin knew this, this thing when it spoke again.

"You are troubled my dear."

Merlin let out a bitter laugh. "Troubled is a mild way of putting it Freya. Sick and tired of destiny will be a better way."

Freya scoffed. "Merlin, you cannot-"

"I know, the gods know Kilgharrah told me that plenty of times before." Merlin said before she finished. "I just need you to help me with my dreams, I can't seem to get any sleep and it's driving me crazy."

"Gaius's potions didn't work?"

Merlin shook his head.

"My magic repeals them, they worsen everything."

Arthur shook his own head, for a moment it sounded like Merlin said 'his magic'.

"Have you become a seer my dear?"

Merlin snorted. "Being Emrys is problematic enough, I don't need to be a seer as well."

Emrys. Magic. Merlin. Traitor. Merlin. Magic. Sorcerer.

Arthur's mind was reeling and by the time he could see again Merlin was glowing gold and floating above the ground with Freya's hands above his head.

"This will do it?" He asked when he stopped glowing.

"Yes. You know the spell, every night before you go to sleep."

Merlin nodded and smiled.

Arthur realized he didn't see Merlin's smile for far too long.

Merlin thanked her again and mounted his horse waving back to Freya before he rode off.

Arthur waited for Freya to go before he left but she seemed content to just stand there, finally he decided to step out of the woods.

"He would never betray you, Arthur Pendragon." She said softly the moment he stepped out of the shadows.

"You knew I was there?"

She nodded and looked at him expectantly.

"How can you tell? He is a sorcerer."

"Warlock," She amended. "And he is your Warlock. Your destinies are entwined."

"Why didn't he tell me?"

"He isn't ready, but he will tell you Arthur Pendragon, it has been foretold since the beginning."

Arthur nodded and rode back to Camelot, he needed to sleep before he could start thinking how to win Merlin's trust and make him tell him everything.

But he will win Merlin and then, then they will be together and that destiny Freya spoke of will finally begin.

Arthur will make sure it will.

So that is it, the end of part one, I hope you liked it. Reviews?