Unspoken words
…..
This book I dedicate to my loving family, god rest their souls.
Autobiography- Liam Haynes
"Normally people start with- Once upon a time, though sadly this didn't happen once upon a time in a distant land. This story is no fairy tale; this is something that happened, something real. And I hope you enjoy reading about me as I enjoyed writing this.-apart from the teary moments of reliving memories I'd rather forget-."
(This is fictional.)
Chapter 1
This is where I will start, right at the beginning.
I was born on the 3rd of June 1978 on a Sunday with the name Liam Johan Lee Haynes. My mother's name Scarlett Johanna Haynes, my father was Jared Lee Haynes, I had an older brother as his name was Raphael, and the rest of his name was the same as mine.
Now, I can understand that you have no clue about these people and their name's. Hell if the front cover didn't mention that I'm better known as Zero, the famous singer of the band Zero Tolerance then you probably wouldn't have had a clue. I've been very secretive of my real name until now.
To continue- apparently I was a good kid, with a tantrum here and there- But hey what are we kids for right? I showed a love for singing at a young age, my parents when seeing this, or rather hearing this put me in a singing class, along with the church choir. I honestly don't remember much of these times when I was a kid, it's been too many years and new memories have replaced older less important ones. It only starts getting interesting around the time I hit puberty. Now as I mentioned I was the youngest at our home, with my older brother there. He was, well to say the least good looking, and very popular with women. He was 5 years older than me, so when I hit puberty at 15 he was already 20. I looked up to him, he was my big role model, and even though he often told me he'd trade his good looks to be able to sing like I could.
Well, I won't lie, I do have an amazing voice, and how else could I land a record deal, huh! That put aside for a moment to return later, he always had pretty young women around him, I wanted to be like that in 5 years I told myself. I want to be able to nail pretty girls like that!
At that age, I looked messed up I tell you. I had pimples and zits practically everywhere aside from my lips and eyelids, it was horrible. I looked like a cross between a gravel tile and a Granite kitchen table. So, as you can imagine I wasn't popular at all, girls didn't like boys like me at the time. That's why when my brother invited me to a double blind date I couldn't off been happier. He promised me he was setting me up with a hot chick, the sister of his current girlfriend in fact. She had told him her sister always wanted a boyfriend that could sing for her, so when Raphael told her about me- Well of course she wanted to meet me. So, Raphael helped me to get dressed in my finest clothing – Which existed of a pair of simple jeans and a nice button up black shirt. Casual yet very stylish according to him- so I went a long with it. Arriving at the scene I was, shy and clumsy because of what I saw. They were both fucking gorgeous! Blonds too, and well, you know how kids are at that age; blonds were hot at that time- still are though. Sitting down already seemed like the hardest thing in the world, heart beating franticly in your chest a long with sweaty palms and nervous twitches. Not to mention how high my voice could get, and as I have previously mentioned I was exactly the hottest guy around- yet when I opened my voice to sing for them softly, a song that was popular then on the radio. It was the song Runaway Train by Soul Asylum, one of the most popular songs in the year of 1993, even though back then I was a huge R.E.M. fan, though nevertheless she was very impressed by the sound that came out of my throat. Now, to describe my voice would be very hard, yes it's rather normal as I talk, but when I sing I've heard people describe it as sexy, deep, warm yet grungy. Really not making any sense, but out of all of this I think I can accept the fact I got an amazing voice, right? So, naturally she fell for me, hard, right onto her face when she slid off of the chair, I laughed so hard I remember my stomach hurting because of it. Though after a nudge from my brother I helped her up, and she got a good look into my eyes- whereas they are usually hidden by my bangs-. Green, not this dull green you see on most people, no they were the color of apples. Apple green, luckily I was the only one blessed in the family with green eyes, the rest of 'em had brown green eyes.
A week after the date we started dating officially, I had a hot chick as my girlfriend, who happened to be 20 as well and studying to be a makeup artist. Luckily for me she knew so many ways to get rid of the horrible acne that haunted my teenage life. Several weeks after I was acne free and happily dating this girl, whose name is Grace; of course in her honor I made her a song. Saving Grace I called it, though of course it was a draft as you can call it, and seeing as I wasn't a famous singer then, I had no rights to it. Sadly, the song was amazing; it made her cry joyful tears every single time. I'm sad to say we broke up a year after as I was getting a lot of attention from everyone. My acne was gone, I was rather handsome, beautiful eyes and I could sing. From nothing to popular all thanks to her, I was heartbroken then though, I think I really loved her. But I do have to thank her, because she dumped me, I entered the university talent show; I wouldn't off if I had still been with her, because she wanted me to sing for her and her alone.
I entered, and what do you know I came in first! Shocker right there huh? So, after my success at university got found out by this guy called Mr. Stryker, now his name frightened me a bit, he sounded like a serial killer from some horror movie. But nevertheless I went with him and sang the saving grace song for the people he had gathered up. The song was full of emotion, especially because she couldn't be there with me, so again I have Grace to thank for everything. This is where my life started.
Famous.
My family was overjoyed, I was slowly becoming famous! In 1995 I got my first hit single that came in 3rd on the charts, though after a few days number 1! Number fucking 1 people! I was known as Zero, the lead singer of a band called Zero Tolerance, though I wasn't that close to the other band members, they had been selected by the company and sadly I didn't have a single say on whom and how they looked. We were a bunch of different people, but when we got together and started making music, that was when all our differences flew out of the window and we became one. One to create music that people would love, now we aimed for younger people, around teenager with songs that had angst but were a typical 'slice of life'. One of my favorites has to be Break Up. As you can tell by the title I's about someone dumping you, and how you feel after it.
I'm over it
You think I'm falling apart now
Haunted by memories of the past
Though I say
My feelings, faded
I can tell you now
I'm over it
So hear me as I say
Go fudge yourself,
Go, take whomever you want
Go, take the hearts
Go, but mine is never yours
Never again
My feelings, faded
I can tell you, I'm over it
Hear me speak these words
Hear me as I say
Go fudge yourself,
Go, take whomever you want
Go, take the hearts
Go, but mine is never yours
Never again
Dramatic isn't it? Though highly effective on the teenagers of a particular age, everyone deals with heartbreak, or being wronged in a relationship, therefore people related to this. I remember being asked to come on different shows and play this song everywhere! I was the hottest new thing around, with my bleached and dyed red hair, those stunning green eyes. I tell you, it wasn't long before the hit even got to other places aside from England. My manager told me Break Up was a hit in America too! Now, for a new artist for his song to future in America and get in on the charts on number 2, that is fucking awesome you know, I don't think I ever felt happier. The clip for the song I liked as well featured this really hot brunette with the curves on the right places. I completely forgot her name though, though in any case the clip was about a couple having a break up in the beginning of it. Then as the story continued she had her revenge on him, really amusing.
After the number 1 hit single the album that came out shortly after did really well, we sold so many numbers of it, hell I can't even pronounce all those zero's behind the number 5! I loved this, the attention, the women, the singing on stage… I graduated from school and quickly moved my ass to a nice single apartment in the big city of London. I had an amazing view and regular visits from those pretty models, oh yes my life couldn't get any better than this!
Though at that I was mistaken, it could get better, it was time for touring for our first album 'No tolerance' and boy oh boy, did I love doing this. It was tiresome, from bus to plane to bus to concert to bus to plane. Really tiresome, but as I mentioned really great, there is no way I can explain in words how it feels to stand there, in a sold out arena with people singing along to a song you created, how they are enjoying themselves. How you yourself are enjoying it, pictures being taken with everything so awesome, people trying to get on stage so they can just touch you. Oh, just to touch my hand alone and I saw a few chicks crying with joy!
As we got more known with every single of the album we released I started learning other languages, not a lot but at least knowing how to great. Our Europe tour got us to go to Russia for example and I wanted to be able to great them properly, fans loved it. So therefore I know now how to great people in most languages.
We once toured for Europe and left to America right after, after finally coming home after those months I needed to rest for at least a month! So exhausted I could barely stand up, but nevertheless on how I felt I went right back into the studio to create more songs with a few songwriters. Gather the band members next and once again go into the studio to record. By the time the new millennia came in 2000 we already had 3 albums and 10 number one hit singles out. Oh yes, I can say I was very successful, though I stayed true to country, I remained in London, in the fairly sized apartment with the amazing view and enjoyed my life as it was. Designer clothes, women at a beckon of my hand who were willing to do everything to shag this handsome red head! Though as I was at the top, the very peak of success there was only one way to go from there, and that was downhill…
Her death
The very first thing that happened was the death of my mother, she had gotten into a car accident on the 3rd of June, and can you see the irony here? She died, on my birthday as I send her an invitation to come to my place in London. I told her I'd gladly pay for a plane ticket to come and see me, but she refused with a laugh saying she had to do something before coming to me; therefore she was taking the car. I gave my family everything they wanted of course, money, cars, whatever it is they desired, I just wish she would have accepted my offer then, then this wouldn't have happened.
I was devastated when I got to the hospital; she was laying there in the hospital bed with all sorts of machines attached to her. The only reason we were allowed to see her at that moment was because she had no chance of survival. I know the doctor told us exactly what got ripped apart inside of her with internal bleedings and such. He gave her a few hours' tops, and on top of that she wasn't conscious, they gave her some medicine to make sure she wasn't feeling any pain. We all gathered around her, me, my brother and my father as we simply stared at her. No one knew what to say or to do at that exact moment; it was my father to react first. Not with words but with sad tears that started rolling down his cheeks, then an action of taking her hand and just letting out those tears. Now, I don't think I can remember the last time I cried, or if I ever did aside from when I was a baby. But at that point, my beloved mother who laid there all messed up, bloody and about to die, the tears came. They were warm as they slithered down my cheek, down my neck and mixing together with my shirt. I don't think I ever felt as bad as I did then, the sensation of what my eyes saw, the way my heart hurt so much in my chest. My mother was everything to me, she supported me and loved me like a good mother, scolded me when I needed it. A week before all of this happened she had told me I had to stop sleeping around and get serious with a woman for once. My brother didn't take long to join in on this; I know I felt my hands move on their own as one was placed on top of my father's hand that held hers, the other over my heart. How could an organ hurt so much? Wasn't it supposed to be just there to keep someone alive? It wasn't supposed to be this, this alive right? Sadly I was, that day we spend the remaining hours in that room with her, talking to her and telling her how much we would miss her. I doubt I stopped crying at all, nor did my brother nor father. Heartbroken would be the right word to describe this, the only woman that meant the world to me, I would give everything to keep her alive. And so I did, I used my money to get the best specialist to fix her. I think I even used those words, though after 10 minutes of checking her they told me the same as that imbecile and incompetent doctor from before. There was no way to 'fix' her, she was going to die and I had to accept it.
It took me at least a month to even realize she was really gone. It was a very weird feeling, like she could walk into the door at anytime and announce she was late for my birthday- a week to late- and that she had a nice present for me. But sadly that never happened, my brother and father visited me often enough though, I don't know why but I despised them then. How could they smile and laugh at a time like this! She was gone, dead and no longer there for us, I hated them for moving on. It wasn't until two months later that my manager got me to a shrink that I realized I just couldn't move on, and I was angry. He explained to me the different stages of grief, briefly though. That you start with denial, then anger, though I don't think he ever finished that sentence. I punched him straight in the face, which followed with a law suit, though I paid him to keep silent of this. I know I was angry; I didn't need a freaking shrink there to tell me, I was dealing with this in my own way. But sadly for me and the rest of my family this wasn't the furthest downhill I could get.
His Death
It seems the smile he put on for us weren't his true feelings; father just did that to make us believe everything was okay. His actions were only making me angrier, the fact that he took his own life saddened me as well, but still the most present emotion was anger. Anger for how he left his two sons alone, and have another death to get over. His death that he took on his own, the police told us he jumped in front of a train, they had gathered all the pieces so he could have a proper burial. Brother insisted we buried him beside mother, but I kept telling him he didn't deserve it, even if he did all of this to be with her again. It's a good thing for the bastard we didn't believe in god, though at that moment I was surely trying. Seeing as he'd go straight to hell for taking his own life, not seeing mother that way, it was a cruel thought but it made me feel slightly better. You can imagine how my anger was growing with this, and the only way I know how to get everything out of my system was to write a song about it. Thus I did, and it somehow saddens me that the song where I took my anger out on the world came in on number one. Best selling single even from all the one's we had. Though my brother had no such way to get it out, he was becoming a danger to himself as he started drinking and taking drugs too. Within a month he had lost so many pounds with the white powder stuck to his face that I didn't recognize him when he showed up on my doorstep. This little bag of skin that held bones was my brother? Sad, painful and a whole lot of emotions swelled up inside of me, so I decided to take him in, make him live with me so I could keep an eye on him. I tried to get him into rehab, and after two tries I finally got him to go with saying mother would have wanted him to be healthy. He ran away from rehab only a month after, returning on my doorstep and begging for me to just let him do as he wished. I didn't recognize him anymore, my big brother whom I have always looked up to, proudly saying this guy changed my life. I found this to be my turn to help him as he helped me that time with those two girls on the date. I tried everything, there was no limit to the money I spend on it as I send him to different locations over the world to try and find something precious to cling onto and return to the man I knew. But sadly none of that happened, it seems I had been cursed the day I was born, an exchange for all the great things I had, and in return all that I cared and loved for would be taken away from me.
Including those things would be my brother, like father he decided taking his own life was better than to keep strong and live on. He wanted to be with mother and father so badly, and not to mention the cocaine that was messing with his head. He took his life a year later on the exact same date mother did then. On my birthday, as you might realize I stopped celebrating it after that. It was on the 5th of may 2001 that I visited the graves, all lined up next to each other. My brother, father and mother, the soil still fresh as he had been buried the day before I arrived, it was painful, saddening to see a sight like this. Only then did it dawn on me, I was alone, completely and utterly alone. Mother and father had been alone in the matter of family, aside from their two sons of course, no brothers or sisters, so I never had an uncle or aunt. I was 24, with a career that had been put on hold, tons of money that I could buy a nice little island with and spend the rest of my miserable life alone was I felt at that moment.
After placing flowers on the graves I returned to London, not knowing what to do as I felt alone and without a goal in life. I had already achieved my dream of becoming a famous rock star, what was there left to do for me?
Chapter 2
I wasn't alone, in one way or another at least. My apartment was empty aside from me, except for the maid I had hired to clean everything. I remember many pretty one's wanted to work for me in hopes to get into my pants, there had only been one girl however that seemed to not want me, just a job that paid well. She came every morning and evening to clean, then in the evening she cooked for me. She was a rather short brunette; with her eye color the same as her hair, a chestnut brown. She wasn't exactly pretty in my eyes, though I would never hire an ugly girl of course; I was conceited like that, though as a rock star you could get away with ugly traits like that. It was odd how the next things happened, rather fast and much unexpected.
She came in that evening when I returned from visiting their graves as she looked at me and asked me a very simple question. "Are you okay?" I can say many people asked me that question, and when I replied to her I was fine, she walked to me and pulled me into a hug. A simple "No you're not" Seemed to break down all of my defenses as for the second time in my life I felt that warmth again. The warmth of hot tears that were slowly running down my cheeks though this time fell on her shirt and disappeared into a temporarily warm spot that darkened the fabric. She had wrapped her arms tightly around me, squeezing m softly and softly telling me I could let it out, everyone had to. And that was exactly what I did, the tears fell as I let my head rest on her shoulder, grabbing onto her shirt, desperate to have someone there. I didn't want to be alone, I never admitted this but I was the truth, the unspoken words that she seemed to have read somewhere, my heart probably, hidden behind the anger. I felt better after a few hours, when there were no more tears left, everything had poured out on her, this girl who's name I couldn't even remember. She pulled away from me and with a smile told me she'd stay with me for the rest of the day; she'd take the couch and make me a nice meal. I simply agreed with a nod and followed behind her as she went into the kitchen, she handed me a cup of coffee, one only she could make, delicious. I drank it, slowly as I watched her prepare the oranges to go with the roasted beef. She was a good cook; why else would I hire her right? It was then I finally asked her her name, explaining simply I forgotten all about it.
Fadia
That was her name, Fadia, it turned out she was half Arabic and half British. The meaning of her name shocked me there, it meant savior, and I can honestly say this girl was my savior indeed, my Grace of that time. She came more often to my place, to check up on me and make sure I was doing okay, after a month or two I think I started smiling again, but only because of her. I started writing songs again, one even about a savior; after she heard it she knew it as about her. I denied it, vaguely so as I wasn't prepared to enter a relationship at that point. But I was planning on granting my mother her wish of settling down, just not at that exact time. Her last name cracked me up though, her first name was rather exotic, though when your last name is McDoland it's just bad for you, I bet she got picked on thanks to McDonalds. Nevertheless she made me feel alive again, and most importantly that I wasn't alone, as a rock star you have to be very careful who you let into your life and who just wants to be friends with you because you have money. She however always refused my money, only taking money she earned from working for me, I found out she had another job as a waitress. So I offered her to become my assistant, with a very nice pay, she accepted gladly, she was already used to tending to me.
One night we were eating dinner she cooked, I had cracked open a bottle of wine and we started talking about dreams. I already told her my dream had come true a few years ago, but her dream was so simple compared to mine. She wanted to be a composer of classic music; she even had her sights set on a University in Britain where the best of the best had been too. It was the reason why she was working so hard, the entry fee and all the costs were insanely high. As we discussed more about her- I was very interested in all of this- She told me she had been adopted by a family in England as her mother gave her up when she was a little kid, sad, though she explained to me they were good people and raised her lovingly. They currently lived in New Hampshire so the only contact they had were letters and phone calls. This young woman peaked my interest, and by the end of the night she told me she had to go home, she had some letters to write for recommendations so she could get into her desired university. I insisted on walking her to her car, sadly my neighborhood really became worse at the beginning of 2000, more gangs and such. She accepted after I nearly threatened her to let me as we walked towards her car. Good thing I went with her, why did this woman park her car two streets away? Right, the neighborhood sucked, and then with her car in sight I felt something in my chest again. It wasn't exactly pain, but I just didn't want her to leave, and when I finally got enough courage to say so, we got interrupted. It seemed this part of town was bad as well, a group of four men decided they wanted to rob us. Now, I'll be honest with you when I say I can fight, I even took boxing lessons to make sure I could defend myself whenever I had the need for it. So I took two of them out, taking one punch to the face myself with a high chance of a cracked rib, or at least it felt like it.
The two other guys had not been impressed with my fighting skills sadly, though impressed enough to see I was not afraid and they needed something to get me afraid. They both took out a switchblade, first showing it to me and telling me to just give them money and fuck off. I still had some anger issues, so I attacked without clearly thinking this situation over, they had knives! Though I received a few scratches from there pointy weapons, I handled myself well, it was the sound of a yelp that caught my attention in the middle of the fight. As I looked to where it came from I saw one of them holding Fadia and threatening me to stop struggling, some curse words were used as well.
I lowered my fists, I couldn't lose her, I just couldn't. And I didn't see it coming, the man behind me was rather pissed I had kicked his ass so skillfully, and after grabbing the knife from one of the two he had come up behind me, placing the blade to my neck. He had recognized me from TV, famous rock star, he had said with those mocking words. Told me he despised my voice, so I should just stop using it. What happened then, I don't remember anything of it, just that I woke up in the hospital, glad to see Fadia at my bedside, with her head on my leg asleep. She was okay, so when I opened my mouth to ask her if she was okay…
I was very, very surprised, shocked and several other emotions when nothing came out. They had drugged me up to make sure I didn't feel much pain, I was a little out of it too, but there was no reason I wouldn't be able to talk right?
Silence
Wrong, there was a reason, a very painful reason at that. The man had sliced my neck and decided to do the same to my vocal chords. It had taken the surgeons at least 4 hours to get everything together again, but I wouldn't be able to talk right away, I had to slowly get my voice back.
There went my dream, shattered to pieces; I wouldn't be able to talk, so I couldn't sing either. She was there for me, Fadia, I could she had been crying as she took my hand and told me everything would be okay. The doctors who had told me the same, I didn't believe, but her, I did believe. It was a good thing I didn't smoke, it increased my chances of fully recovering, and after another week in the hospital I was finally allowed to go home. I don't know what I would of done if she didn't stay with me, I already shattered several vases with get well flowers to the floor. I was enraged, though I didn't know exactly with what or whom, just pure rage. It took an hour to calm down from it as she told me I should take a shower, and be careful with the stitches on my neck. As I walked to the bathroom she yelled at me from the kitchen she was going to buy some groceries so she could make some fish and chips for me, knowing I loved that dish, especially when she made it. I opened my mouth to reply automatically, and was once again confronted with nothing, seeing myself in the mirror didn't help either. My red hair wasn't that red anymore, I hadn't dyed it in some time and I could see the brown coming back. The stitches were on my neck, where a bright red line went across my neck, it had closed up but was still trying hard to heal completely. I took my shirt off, staring at the muscles under the skin that moved when I reached to touch the red mark that reminded me of that curse that wanted to take everything away from me that I cared for. I winced; it still hurt, so when I finally stepped into the shower I made sure not to touch it, just letting the water clean it, stinging me. I stepped out again, the mid length hair wet and sticking to my face as I stared at my reflection again. My hand moved on its own as it punched the mirror, shattering it to pieces, making me stare at them on the floor and thinking how ironic it was that my heart felt the exact same way.
I cleaned my hand and took the first aid kit to wrap a bandage around the wound, got into some sweatpants and took a seat on the couch to wait for her return. About 10 minutes after I had changed my mind and lay down instead she came back, disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a hot cup of coffee. At that moment, I think I finally understand it when people say they don't feel anything, aside from being empty. There was nothing there, no emotion as I took the cup and simply sipped it. She even hugged me briefly to whisper something soothingly into my ear, but it didn't work at all, absolutely nothing was there. I didn't feel anything, or else I would have said I felt like a shell, an empty one of course. After she had seen what I had done to the mirror in the bathroom she bandaged my hand properly and stayed with me 24/7, not trusting me to be alone now. And she was right; up until this day I don't know what I would of done if she hadn't been there. My manager had canceled everything I had scheduled so I was rather bored, though on the 1st of December I think I finally got hope again.
Hope
She was with me still, talking to me on and on that her family was throwing a big Christmas party and they wanted me to come, that she wanted me to come. As her companion or better said a date, I don't know what my face did at that time but it made her smile, probably some weird expression. I was used to asking people, not being asked, nevertheless I parted my lips- At this point my voice had returned in the form of a low raspy whisper, like when you have a cold, a big one- and I was stunned when words actually came out, real words above a whisper. She was as shocked as I was, we both stared at each other as her face broke into a smile – one that I started to crave for each day- And I felt the muscles in my face return it to her, along with the sound of laughter. My voice was still rather raspy, like I had a simple cold that turned my voice into something that got insert into an old tape recorded and after years of surviving it was being played again, broken, raspy but there nevertheless. This was hope, right here, as we both got up and hugged to celebrate this. I made an appointment with the man that helped me do vocal exercises everyday and he told me he'd come over right away and that we had to take this opportunity and make sure my voices remains there. I turned the radio up that seemed to be on constantly and started singing along, I couldn't get my volume up higher than the voice on the radio, but still it was there. Fits of giggles from Fadia as I even danced at that moment, all the feelings and emotions I had lost then along with my vocal cords had returned to me, I was felt happy and good.
I practiced with the man for hours, and by the end of the day I could talk entire sentences. The following days it went like that, weeks and month trying to recover my voice completely, I had to be careful though because I could lose it as quickly as it came back to me. Something about over usage, I didn't really listen too much honestly. And then it was back, for real, after much testing and whatever with doctors, I finally had my voice back! I could sing too but, it just didn't feel right, or better said I couldn't, the only time I felt comfortable singing was when I sang for her, Fadia. In the time I was so depressive and empty she had missed out on the entrance exams of the music university she had wanted to go to so badly, she told me so a few days after we celebrated my voice returning, so the next day I made a call to get her a new one. Anonymously though, if she knew I did it she'd never accept it, so she went and got accepted easily, it turned out she was an amazing writer and could play the piano beautifully. With the company of a nice bottle of wine I made her play for me the entire evening until I fell asleep on the couch. This is how we spend the rest of her vacation until she had to start at school, along with shopping for her school uniform, and I have to say she looked very good in that skirt. I think it was at this time I noticed that I started having feelings for her; I'm the kind of guy that's rather slow with emotions that involve love really. I enjoyed this greatly, playing the piano as I sang for her, sweet songs you know, the types that could melt any girls heart when it was sung to you like that; we even wrote a song together where she took care of the instrumental part and me the words to the song. It was an amazing song about hope. I felt myself singing a line from the chorus over and over "Hope is where the heart is" until she whacked me saying it was enough.
It took me another month to finally be able to ask her out on a date with me, and sadly for me she refused. She told me she wasn't ready for this yet, especially not with me seeing as she broke up with someone a few weeks back, now I was completely surprised when I heard this. The time she took care of me like that, she was romantically involved with another man? She explained to me the reason he broke up was because she spend so much time for me and that he didn't believe her when she said she and I were just friends. I just wanted to punch the mother fucker for treating her like that. She was an amazing woman, though with a rather low self esteem, therefore I took her shopping with me one more time on her birthday, as a present I told her. She refused and refused until I finally got her to agree after a small threatening of her cat that lived with me now seeing as she was at my place a lot. So, there we were in town as I made her try on a lot of expensive clothes with the sales woman making sure she wore something that fitted her petite body, and boy did she look good. I took her to a small spa that was right in town and let her have several facial treatments that purified her face and got rid of anything that wasn't making her look better, like the pimples and dark spots. Then for a haircut at Alexander's, this being the place I usually went too, as I got my own hair done as well. Had him dye it back to brown, I wasn't Zero anymore, even though she kept calling me that. So, now fully back to Liam I wanted to tell her to keep calling me that, though after I got out of my chair and saw her…
She had changed into some of the new clothes I had bought her, her hair highlighted with blond streaks and just, wow. There was no other word in my mind then wow, perhaps amazingly beautiful. I couldn't find my words the either as she merely giggled, I paid for our haircut and took her shopping bags in one hand, making sure my other was still free. I never tried to be romantically involved with anyone, so at this point I was rather nervous, though I finally sucked up and took her hand. To my surprise she didn't pull back just smiled at me, one that seemed to say thank you. When we returned to my place I made sure to give some attention to the fat cat Charles, after threatening to throw him out of the window and cuddled him some, even though I rather would have wanted to hold her.
Student
A year after she started studying at the school I started feeling a bit lonely again. And after I had a serious talk with my manager I told him I was going to quit singing, everything involved with it, with him. I wanted to continue my life like a normal person and with the money I earned in my short career as a singer I could easily live half of my life left without working. I stopped my rent on my current apartment after I found a better one, smaller, cheaper and just a little outside of town, close by the university she went too. I also took an entrance exam there, I needed a life goal you know, and then all that was on my mind was her. She could be flirted with by some guy there with me not there; I couldn't let that happen of course. I wanted her; I loved her so I had to have her. She was very surprised when after she received my text she arrived at my new home, no more amazing view and expensive stuff. Well still expensive stuff, but not that many anymore, the new place was a lot smaller. And the next day when I told her to come see me before school started, that's when I surprised her the most, I was wearing the same uniform! Of course not the female one, the male one, with pants and a neat tie, I didn't dislike the uniform, I just felt sad it was blue, light blue at that. Light blue pants with a tartan pattern, white shirt and a dark blue blazer, but I liked blue better then pink, so what the hell right?
We walked together to the school building, as she still seemed so happy that I was doing this, glad to be spending the day with me again as we usually did. It was just slightly different, seeing as I was a year lower then her whereas she had been going to the university for a year now. But we saw each other during breaks, ate lunch together. I made friends with her friends, in total there were 6 of us, Fadia, myself and then her four other friends. Which happened to be mostly women, the guy there was a homosexual, seemed I didn't have anything to worry about as for competition. Though of course I only met the assistant of the music professor the next day. I felt jealousy for him, he was taller then I was and had these dark eyes that the girls couldn't stop talking about.
I honestly thought at that moment she liked him, seeing as I always saw them together. So one day after classes I called her apart in a classroom that was now empty. I asked her to explain to me what she was doing with him. She was, very surprised though seemed to find my jealous expression rather amusing. She told me, why would you, Mr. Former rock star be jealous over me? I didn't know how to respond to it then, how the hell did she even find out I was jealous! Of course we men know nothing about what goes on in the mind of women, whereas they seemed to know most of what goes on in ours, quite unfair, bloody unfair. I was at a loss for words, though she was still amused, just shaking her head as she then started to explain to me all they were doing was write a piece for the university's annual music show. This made me raise my brow, music show; I didn't hear a single thing about it. She then explained that to me as well, it was where each class was divided into groups that had to perform something with music for the rest of the school. I stared at her as her lips moved when telling me this, though she didn't get any further then explaining that she was assigned to do the music with the assistant because the teachers were supposed to sing a piece. The reason she didn't finish was because I had kissed her, my actions making her stumble back so I had her pressed against the black board. I had kissed many women in my life, hell even a man once, though they were nothing compared to this, this feeling that went through me when I felt her respond to me. I probably shocked her, though my own thoughts were out of the window as her lips parted to let my tongue slip past. We kissed for quite some time it seemed, before I finally broke away, I felt like her lips had sucked all the breath out of me. Having to support myself with an arm above her head, my eyes finally opened to see her standing there. My lips might have done the same I believe, as she too was out of breath, eyelids half opened as she stared at me. We pressed against each other again for some more snogging as I couldn't get enough of it. This time she broke off the kiss, a hand to my cheek as she smiled brightly, saying we should get home. Of course, at that point my mind was filled with a lot of things that involved sexual things.
Needles to say I don't think I have to get in detail on what happened there, I want to keep this book pg you know. So, the next morning was rather amusing, she was confused first where she was, until she recognized the arm around her to be mine, and snuggled up back to me. I felt happy again, even though in the back of my mind I was cautious that being happy would trigger that damned curse and take her away from me as well. But after I told her this, when she saw the worry on my face she simply laughed it off and told me not to think of such things, to just be happy and live life to the fullest. I took her advice on that and spend the rest of the day in bed, keeping her there hostage with me. Luckily it was Saturday so it wasn't that much of a big deal, ah to be happy, it felt good you know.
To sing
I was put into a group of nice people, all wanting to win this annual music show, seeing as the prize was a week without uniform along with a very expensive lunch at the cafeteria for a month, for free! Now, hearing that I of course wanted to win too, how could I not with those prizes? We would win a cup too, though I don't care much about those, along with a spot in the school's trophy cabinet. We decided we'd do a song and make it into a small show, seeing as not many people could sing. No, I know what you're thinking but I never told anyone that I could sing at that school, I was Liam there, not Zero. The guy in my group, he was able to sing nicely, was good at getting high notes, though of course I was still better.
So we decided on a song that was soft, beautiful with high notes, then after a more catchy song, and these two together would tell the tale of a legend from a town not far off, about a puppet being created, brought alive by its master. The puppet loved the master though the master loved his wife. Seeing this- after the puppet got his heart, he felt devastated and ended up killing his master and the wife. It was a rumor and legend, old but well known, we hoped to get some extra points for it. We decided to do everything together; the rest of us that couldn't sing would dance, play instruments and just stand on stage as a prop or something. I decided to go for a prop of being a lifeless doll; I didn't want much to do with the actual play. I think for the time I even felt stage fright, but of course no one knew who I was, and the uniform with tie hid the scar on my throat well. We practiced for a long time, we had four weeks and I think we rehearsed the routine every single day after school. Fadia was glad to see me in such high spirits, finally bring alive again. Though she didn't quite understand the reason for all of this was her, everything she did for me is what made me alive again. And then it was finally the day, or rather the evening, I noticed the auditorium was packed with people from every class, along with proud parents. We were scheduled to go on in around the middle of the show, though we had a very big problem. The guy who was supposed to sing wasn't there! We tried to call him, many times and after the 15th time he finally answered. We could barely hear what he was saying, it seemed he had been stuck in traffic, wouldn't be there for another hour or so, sadly we couldn't shift our song and do it later, we were running on a tight schedule. Fadia was there with us, and seeing as we only had about 15 minutes to think something up, we were screwed. She took my hand though, walking me away from everyone else for a moment as she stared at me. She told me I had to go up there and sing, she could see the horror on my face as I shook my head. I couldn't do that, it, it was way too soon. So she made me look at my classmates, who looked in utter disappointment at the stage, there was no chance of winning now, one guy had wanted this so badly because he wasn't exactly rich, he had to always make lunch and bring it to school himself. She gave me a small pep talk, even a slap in the face and told me my classmates needed me, that if I wouldn't sing for me, I'd at least do it for them.
I didn't answer her; I simply walked over to the guy holding the microphone and grabbed it, signaling for everyone to get on their spots. Never had my heart beaten this fast when I was on a stage, my hand even clutched my throat unconsciously. What if nothing came out? What if I lost my voice again? No, live in the now, is what she told me, I had to live up to it! The music started, the spotlights went on, and I opened my mouth. The words, I knew them by heart seeing as we rehearsed so many times, I even completely memorized how the guy was to move and what to do. Now, as egoistic as I am, I know I did an amazing job, not to mention the people shocked as they heard me sing. As mentioned in the beginning of this book, I have an amazing voice; there is no doubt about it. Of course you know the fact we won, I mean come on! Fadia was pleased, she hugged me so tightly she squeezed the air right out of my lungs, I was happy too. Who would have thought I'd ever start singing again, or even get on stage for that manner, I didn't. She hoped for it, this had been the perfect opportunity for me to see this is what I was born to do.
Chapter 3
The first stop was Alexander's, I got my hair dyed back to red as my eyes were once again alive, bright and full of it, just like me. Though this time my career would be different, the main difference would be the fact I had a woman by my side whom I loved very much- though never spoken those words out loud yet- and I came back stronger than ever, the band was pleased as we got back together again, but my first song was the one me and Fadia had created together. I made her star in the clip as well, she became well known because of it, and on school- well everything was a little hectic. It took me full out snogging in the cafeteria to show everyone I had a woman already. Still the woman came after me; I had no idea why though, and made sure no one would reveal my real name, I wanted to keep my privacy, paparazzi was insane and annoying. We were the school's power couple, even though I wanted nothing to do with the whole popular game, who is, who isn't, who get's bullied and who doesn't. No, I made sure no one around me got bullied, I punched a guy or two as well, but hey, money can solve everything.
2010
Years were flying by; I was still happily together with Fadia as we had moved back to my old apartment, the large one with a view. We had her cat, and I got one as well so Charles wouldn't be too lonely. I was at the top of my game again, with our records doing better than they ever did, though was already 32 now, I wasn't planning on singing until I couldn't anymore. I had set my date on around the age of 40, honestly everyone gets older, and I didn't want to really. It came faster then I wanted to, the 3rd of May, but this time it was different, friends from school were at my place along with Fadia, she had organized a surprise part as the band members were there as well. I had a great time, I accepted all the gifts and for the first time in years I enjoyed my birthday again, though strangely she kicked everyone out again in the afternoon, dragging me to the car as we headed for the graves of my family. She was sweet and caring; sometimes I really had to think hard on why this woman was there for me. I had already gotten 3 pairs of flowers to put on them, some lilies for my brother, and roses for my mother and plain daisy's for my dad- I still hadn't forgiven him.
I stood there, for who knows how long, silently telling them everything that had happened this last year, and when I finished I turned to her, walking back to the car. We had a casual conversation as we headed back, back to our home. Though she wasn't the only one with a surprise, I had my own, instead of her letting her cook I took her out to dinner. Now, she was already surprised at the fact the entire high class restaurant was empty, but even more so when she was the ring I pulled out of my pocket. I asked her to marry me, I'm not the type of guy to go overly romantic, not even on a special day as this. She accepted with joyful tears and I have to tell you I'm very happy.
It's 2011 now as I write this, and I can tell you my life is perfect right now. I have a loving wife, the wedding was amazing and she's pregnant too. We're going to have twins, a boy and a girl. I've never liked children, though this I see as the next step in our relationship, we're moving further and are now close to becoming a family. I'm still touring around and doing what I do best, my date is still left to 40 years old when I'm going to stop. Seeing what I earn now it'll be enough, we can lead a happy life; she told me she'd love to live on the country side, so we probably will.
You know, I changed my mind, I'm dedicating this book to you Fadia, my lover, my wife, my everything.
I hope you liked reading this; I have to tell you my manager wanted me to let someone else write it for me as I tell them my life story. But that's bullshit, I'm not the type of guy to let someone do this for me, this is my book, my name will be on it. So there you have it, my life simplified in a small book, you know most about me now and I feel good getting this out. I'll be stopping here; telling you to live your life to the fullest, if you don't it might be over before you had the chance to do so!
Many thanks, appreciation and love,
Liam Haynes.