Season: pre-01
Main characters: Mr. Ishida, Matt, TK
Genre: humor
title is a homage to procurerFaith
It really wasn't my day. I mean… I am smart enough to know that children aren't as innocent as they appear to be, no matter how cute and adorable their parents think they are. And I even know that my two boys, Matt and TK, are no exception. But when my seven year old son today asked me if his mommy and I were using condoms properly, I felt my small happy-father-with-well-behaved-children-world shatter into pieces.
Recovering from the first shock, I decided to react diplomatically.
"Is there any specific reason for you asking?" I replied, careful, hoping there was a logical – and harmless! – explanation for his question. He looked up with his typical concerned scowl – Matt always wears a scowl when he's worried about someone, that someone mostly being TK.
"Well," Matt began, drawling slightly. "I overheard some kids at the playground today. One said, her mother had become ill because she hadn't done safer sex."
Good God! That's what kids are talking about on playgrounds nowadays? Note to myself: Never let your kids go to the playground again.
"She said, things wouldn't have happened if her mother had used a condom. But she didn't, and now she caught her pes."
I was confused at this statement.
"Her what?" I asked. Matt wrinkled his nose.
"Her pes!" he repeated, trying to sound annoyed at me for not understanding such an obviously easy thing. However, his nervous look betrayed me that he was insecure about the unknown word and felt embarrassed for apparently mis-pronouncing it.
Knowing he'd be depressed if I told him there was no such thing, I quickly tried to think of all possible diseases that he could be referring to. No syph, no AIDS, no… 'her pes'? Herpes!
"You mean herpes!" I called out, slightly beaming with joy and pride that I had figured out what my son was talking about. I am not always good at that…
The scowl increased, but I spotted the blush creeping over his face.
"That's just what I said," he muttered, trying hard – though unsuccessfully in front of me – to hide that he felt bad about making a mistake.
"So… you want to learn how to use condoms now so you won't catch herpes?" I continued, choosing to ignore the 'mistake' of my son so I wouldn't make him feel even more bad. The reaction I received next startled me greatly, but sent a sensation of relief and amusement through my body.
"Good God, no!" Matt exclaimed, his eyes wide with sheer horror. "I'd never do such nasty things as you and mommy are doing. It's disgusting!"
Thanks goodness, my son did not think about sex yet. Some small parts of my world were restored.
"Then why are you asking?" I wondered, bending forward to level eyes with my son. I watched the worried scowl returning on Matt's small forehead.
"Well, because I don't want mommy or you to get ill," he said shyly. "I wanted to make sure you two know how to use condoms, so you won't catch herpes."
I probably should have just laughed out loud at that – after all, it's somehow ridiculous if my seven-year-old wants to make sure that I know how to use condoms, isn't it? But at that moment, I was too perplexed to reply at all.
Matt, misinterpreting my silence and growing even more worried, placed a hand on my arm, concern slightly wetting his eyes.
"If you don't know, maybe you can ask one of your co-workers?" he suggested helpfully.
I imagined myself asking Chioka how to use condoms… and getting fired for either molesting or stupidity.
"Uh… Matt, you really don't need to worry," I tried to soothe him, scrouching and putting a reassuring arm around his shoulders. "Mommy and I are fine."
"But herpes could be dangerous!" he cried out. Tears had started to stream freely down his cheeks by then, dropping oddly soundless onto the worn carpet. I felt something inside my heart break and being healed again in the very same second. I know I'm a grown-up man and I seriously shouldn't be that emotional but… at that moment, I couldn't help but sniff terribly and draw him onto my chest, burying his face in my shirt until I nearly suffocated him. What a sweet-heart my son is, such an adorable child, my darling Matt…
Eventually getting aware of his muffled, panic cries of "Dad, I can't breath!", I slightly released him from the embrace.
"Matt, baby…" I nearly flinched at the hoarse tone of my own voice. Geez, did I sound choked up... "Listen, dear, you don't need to worry at all. I promise I'll take care of mommy, and I'll also take care myself."
He snuffled, suppressing the unintended row of sobs with great effort.
"Promised?" he made sure. I nodded, a wide smile spreading across my face.
"Promised," I confirmed. Picking him up and carrying him into my bedroom, my head slowly cleared from the emotions that had clouded it and pointed out to me that instead of calming him, I should rather explain to him. Explaining would most likely last long-term, calming only for a short period of time.
Now I'm a sophisticated man who has done a lot, seen a lot and learned a lot. As such one, I knew exactly how my beloved wife would support my brilliant idea of talking to a four and a seven year old boy about the 'thing'.
Placing Matt gently on the double bed, I frowned in discomfort. Getting my head rippd off sure would hurt… But after hearing what I heard today – seriously, how can such themes come up on playgrounds? – I had decided that teaching them that stuff right now was probably the best thing to do. And I'd definitely explain 'that' to Matt and TK in one go since there was no way I'd go through that conversation two times.
I perked up my ears, listening to the faint sounds of water and melodic humming. So Natusko was in the kitchen, doing the dishes. Good.
"Where's your brother?" I whispered. Naturally, Matt's reply was quick like a shot.
"Playing school with Moe, Peek and Buttercup," he told me, pointing vaguely to the direction of his and TK's room. I couldn't entirely hide the sharp pain his words brought to my heart. It was uncommon enough that a kid of his age knew without a second thought where his little brother was and what he was doing. But that he even knew the names of TK's stuffed animals left me worried. I am proud and thankful beyond reason that the two of them are so close. But Matt seriously needs to find friends, too…
I turned around, deciding it was not the right time for that conversation. We could still talk about that later.
Walking on my tiptoes, I sneaked through the suite until I was safely hidden in the corridor. A sigh of relief escaped from my mouth as I arrived there without Natsu realizing any of my actions. Quietly, I pushed open the door leading to my sons' room.
"TK?" I managed to give my voice that special volume where it sounds like a whisper and a shout at the same time. Nonetheless, I twisted my head panically because to me, my words still appeared as loud as a herd of elephants running through our apartment. I mustn't make a single noise now, not a single unnecessary sound, or Natsuko will…
"Daddy!" A green ball of joy rushed towards me and, jumping up in the carefree confidence of a child that I'd catch him, flung its arms around my neck. Okay, so far for no noises…
My youngest giggled happily, planting a big, wet kiss on my cheek.
"TK, quiet!" I begged nervously, hoping it was not too late yet. Placing a finger on his lips softly, I listened into the apartment. Everything remained silent. Thanks goodness...
I turned my head to face my son. Taking me rather by surprise, he was sitting on my arms perfectly still. Wow… Matt has taught him truly well. I was so proud of my little TK once more. TK catches all kinds of serious situations so quickly – he's only four! – and then obeys, being a hundred per cent reliable.
Returning the kiss, I gave him a fond smile.
"TK, darling, I need to talk to you and Matt," I said quickly. "It's a… uh, surprise for mommy though, so you mustn't tell her about it, okay?"
TK rose an eyebrow in a way too mature, suspicious manner.
"Sure, dad," he soothed me then, laughing as he patted my shoulder affirmatively.
I carried him over to where Matt was waiting, sweat gathering on my forehead before finding its salty way into my eyes. Putting TK back onto the ground, I leaned forward, peeping warily through the open door. Natsuko would appear within the very next second, wouldn't she? There was no way I would get through with this.
TK immediately headed for the bed, climbing up and nestling up against Matt's stomach.
"Daddy wants to say us something but mommy will be mad at him if she knows about it," he whispered – or at least he thought he did. I could hear every word though. "So he's telling us that it would be a surprise for mommy and we musn't talk about it with her. I think it's best if we pretend we would believe him, maybe then he won't be sad."
I felt a lump forming in my throat. Okay. I clearly underestimate my children.
I pulled a face, glancing over at the bed. They both stared at me with beautifully encouraging smiles. I felt the corners of my own mouth rising. On a second thought, it was probably nice to have children who knew I was lying but played along because they didn't want me to be troubled.
"Okay, listen, you two," I started, closing the door entirely and walking over to them. I had considered locking it first, but if Natsu found herself in front of a sealed off door, I would probably be in more trouble than when she walked into the room suddenly and I could at least come up with some alibi like I was telling my two boys a bedtime story.
Well, maybe not a bedtime story at 2 pm… I figured I still had to work on that alibi.
Taking a seat next to them, I pulled them both into a hug. I took a deep breath and started without beating around the bushes:
"You two know there are differences between boys and girls?"
I slightly grinned at the horrified look I received from Matt at that. TK yet merely nodded.
"Yeah. One have long one, the others not," he told me casually. I ashened, recognizing only from the corner of my eyes that Matt's face equally paled.
"Um… How do you know?" I asked, my mind flatly refusing to accept that my little baby had such a clear vision of boys and girls. I cursed myself for the question the next moment. I didn't truly want to get to know any details.
TK furrowed his brows, giving me an offended look.
"Dad! I'm no kid anymore. I see girls in kindergarten all day," he stated, sticking his little nose into the air.
"Uh…" I felt my face reddening. He did see those parts of girls there? "Oh, and they…"
"They all have long hair," TK finished my sentece. He pulled at one of his blond strands. "Girls have long hair while boys have short one. Everyone knows that." He wrinkled his nose. "Well, except Mrs. Heathers. She has those short curls although she's a Mrs."
He tilted his head in confusion when both Matt and I heaved a sigh of relief.
"What's with you two?" TK asked, worried. "Are you having any problems with girls, dad?"
"No, no," I quickly assured. TK nodded happily.
"Good. You have mommy after all, you don't need other girls." His words left me taken aback, but thankfully, Matt came to my aid.
"You know, TK," Matt said in his quiet, calming manner. "Hair's not the only difference between boys and girls."
"So you know about that?" I made sure. Matt's skin turned the colour of a tomato and he nodded rapidly.
"U-hu," was alle he managed to force out his mouth. He fixed his blue eyes on the blanket, suddenly very fascinated by its twisting pattern. "Saw it in books in the library," he added huskily.
I sighed secretly.
"I knew there'd come trouble from you learning to read so early," I muttered. I bit my tongue the next second. That wasn't supposed to slip out my mouth. Fortunately, Matt just shrugged.
"I didn't read it much. Just… saw the pictures."
At this point, his face showed the impressing ability of turning an even darker shade of red, something I had not believed to be possible.
"Okay." I smiled, patting his cheek casually before placing TK on my knees.
"See, TK…" I nudged his nose. "There's also another major difference between boys and girls." With one, two short sentences, I explained to my son how hair wasn't the only thing separating boys from girls and how girls and boys did do certain actions with each other.
TK and Matt listened wordlessly as I spoke, not moving a single muscle. Their blank looks lingering on me, I eventually started to feel uncomfortable.
"So… You two understood that so far?" I asked, worried. My gaze shifted from one to the other, trying to find comprehension in their expressions. Matt nodded, still busy playing tomato. TK, however, didn't reply at all. Instead, he crawled off my legs, tugging beggingly at the sleeve of Matt's shirt.
"Matt, brother? Can I talk to you quickly?" he pleaded. Matt appeared surprised – just as was I – but agreed immediately. TK drew him into the other corner of the room, squatting.
"Dad's pulling my leg, isn't he?" I heard him whisper. He glared at me furiosuly. "There's no way he's telling the truth."
"Uh… You know, TK, actually he is," Matt opposed, unsure how to react to the unexpected situation. A mask of shock distorted TK's face.
"You're kidding!" he shouted in convinced disbelief. I felt my stomach tumbling. Okay, maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to tell them already…
I could feel TK's stare in my back and raised my eyes to meet his. I found only confusion in his small face. My heart sank. Poor little one… I had completely overstained him.
Wavering what I could do to help him, I decided to give him a reassuring smile. After all, I was his daddy, his big hero! He'd sure calm down when I gave him confidence!
The next thing I decided to do was whining woefully. Being entirely ignored by your youngest son while he turns to his brother – trusting him more than you! – somewhat hurt...
"You're truly being serious? You're not teasing me?" TK asked Matt, still suspicious. Matt, not daring to look up from the ground, nodded.
"Yeah. It's the truth, TK."
TK kept silent after those words. My paternal instincts instantly getting the upper hand over my hurt, I hurried over to him, ready to sooth him. The poor baby seemed so scared, my little one, my darling was…
"Daddy!" he called out and jumped up before I had even reached him.
"Why is anyone doing this, Dad?" he bubbled. "Are you doing that with girls, too? Do you do that also with mommy? Is it fun?"
I froze in the middle of the movement.
Well done, Hiro. You have just made your son asking you if sex with his mother was fun. Great job!
Wild scenarios started spinning in my head – TK asking our neighbours if they found sex was fun, too, Natsu throwing dishes at me, me sleeping in the doghouse – that was, if we had a doghouse at all…
An odd sound teared me out of my panic thoughts. Snapping back into reality, I became aware of how Matt was laughing.
"Yeah, Dad, tell us, is it fun to do it with Mommy?" he chimed in. An evil grin bared his teeth.
I threw a deadly glare at him. Darn little monster!
He started holding his stomach as it began to ache from his non-dying laughter. A warm, fuzzy feeling began to spread in my chest.
And darn myself I couldn't even be mad at him… It was a rare treat to see Matt laughing, and I was just too happy to get angry.
Turning my attention back to TK, I realized I had to give him an answer. Luckily, I had already thought of some intelligent words I could reply:
"Well, TK, see…"
Unfortunately, these brilliant, intelligent words didn't seem to be sufficient for him, and he still looked at me with that questioning gaze.
I scratched my head. It seemed I wouldn't get around that…
"Um… I guess all boys and girls do that…" I started, unsure. I felt heat rushing into my cheeks. Good God, how did I end up having such an wakward conversation? "And, um… Mommy's a girl, and I'm a boy, so…" For a moment, I heard Matt giggling, but apparently, he was wise enough to keep his mouth shut. "Um… That means your mommy and I, see, we love each other, so we do that, too…"
"But why's everyone doing that?" TK called out, clearly fascinated by the theme. "Does it do anything good?"
I tensed, shocked. I couldn't explain to TK what feelings having sex aroused! He's four years old, what would he think?
"Um… it's how babies come to life," I told him eventually. Inwardly, I heaved a sigh of relief. Never in my life have I been so glad that sex had a biological purpose!
"Babies?" TK echoed, "So you mean that's how Matt and I came to life?" His face was white as a sheet, disgust adding a slightly greenish tone to it. Never in my life have I been so annoyed that sex had a biological purpose…
"Uh, yes, see…" I started – another three-set of from my never ending stock of 'intelligent words'.
Okay, now how was I going to explain that?
"You know that it takes a mommy and a daddy who love each other to have a baby," I reminded him. "That's because it takes half of the daddy and half of the mommy to form a whole baby." Now, if that wasn't a truly brilliant answer. I mean, technically, that was right.
I smiled at him, happy that I had finally sorted everything out now. However, to my dismay, I noticed that his skin colour hadn't changed.
"But… But you have Matt an me!" he cried out, worried. "That means you gave half of you to form Matt and half of you to form me. Does that mean there's nothing of you left now anymore?"
I stared at him, startled. Nothing left?
Oh, geez! How in the world can children just think in such twisted ways?
I pulled him closer, placing a soft kiss on his hair.
"No, darling," I soothed him. "The half that was given away… eh… grows again."
Now that was a lousy lie, I have to admit that frankly. The sad thing is, it was the best one I could come up with.
TK's face lit up at that idea though.
"So you mean you can give hundreds of halfs of you and it'd always grow again?" he made sure.
I nodded sheepishly.
"Exactly!"
"Wow, that's so cool!" TK shouted, admiring. "You're, like, Superman!" He hugged me spontaneously, nearly knocking me over.
"Matt, daddy's a super hero! Did you know that?" he called out cheerfully. A shadow appeared above ma face and I noticed Matt's gaze lingering on me.
"Yeah, sure. A super Hiro," he agreed sweetly.
I tried to glare at him, but failed and ended up laughing. I heard that joke a lot at work, and it always bothered me. But when Matt said it, it somehow was funny.
Evil abilities of children, darn it… How did they do that? They just look at you with these huge eyes and their smiles and you can't be mad at them.
I sat up again cautiously, making sure I'd not throw TK off my legs nor hurt Matt accidently.
"So, any question left now?" I asked, hoping that talk was over once and for all. Of course, fate hated me – and TK tiled his head, ready to keep digging deeper.
"Well. You still haven't told me if it's fun," he called my attention. "Is it, or is it like… cleaning the dishes – annoying, but you have to do it?"
Those words sent Matt into another laughing fit while I found myself groaning with helplessness again.
"Um…" Come on. you can't tell a four year olf that sex was fun… What if he gets the idea of trying it out?
I felt a hand on my forehead and cringed at the unexpected touch. TK glanced up at me, worry clouding his features.
"Dad? Are you okay?" he asked me. I was confused at that question. Why wouldn't I be okay?
A horrible suspicion came to my mind. Wait. He didn't think now that I was ill just because I had sex, did he? Geez, I had wanted to explain to my sons that sex is not dangerous…
I noticed how Matt kept tugging the sleeve of my shirt and turned around to face him. He was still grinning, but it seemed rather amused than evil this time.
"Sorry, dad," he apologized – a quite poor apology in my opinion, considering he was still laughing. "But I think he's referring to your face."
My face?I rose an eyebrow and looked, bewildered, from Matt to TK.
"Yes." Matt sat up, smiling at me lovingly. "Your face is turning from bright red to deathly pale all the time, depending on whether you're more shocked or more embarrassed that very moment, as far as I can tell."
I stared at him, taken aback. Was it that easy to read in my face? And here I thought I had myself under control…
Matt giggled again.
"See? Now it's getting white," he pointed out to me.
His statement didn't exactly make things better, and I felt blood flushing into my cheeks.
"And now it's red again," Matt remarked instantly.
I muttered a few curses under my breath. Okay, Hiro, you're a grown up man. Calm down. You're able to master that.
I slowed my breath, forcing all the awkward feelings out. Good, good… I felt my cheeks turning cooler. When I…
"Now it's turning back to normal," Matt noticed happily. Only a second later, he frowned, worried this time. "Now it's already getting red again. Are you sure you're okay, dad?"
I hurried to avert my eyes, hiding my shame from him.
"You know, it doesn't exactly help if you constantly comment on the state of my skin colour," I grunted. My, why didn't I just get that under control?
There were two seconds of silence before Matt shyly asked, "Are you mad at me now, dad?"
I noticed the hint of tears that was already suffocating his voice. Now I felt seriously ashamed. How could I snap at Matt when he didn't even do anything wrong? Especially regarding that I knew how depressed he was whenever Natsu or I scolded him.
"No, not at all." I quickly drew him nearer and stroked his hair, reassuring. "I'm sorry, dear." I proded his nose and winked gleefully. "Actually, it's funny, isn't it? I'm like ketchup and mayo – red and white. Maybe I should get us some French fries?"
Fortunately, that was enough to get Matt happy again. Sighing in relief, I started rubbing his back, comforting, and faced TK again. I frowned, frustrated. I was afraid giving TK an appropriate answer was not that easy…
I felt Matt drawing slightly back from me and observing me.
"You're worried about what to reply to TK?" he figured. I nodded, knowing that I was already blushing again. Matt smiled at me – that knowing, mature smile that sometimes scares me – and took TK's hand.
"Come, little one, I have to tell you something." He lead him a few feet away from me and whispered something into his ear. TK's head jerked in my direction, but the little one kept silent. When Matt was finished, TK nodded.
"Alright, Matt," TK agreed. "Understood." He waddled over to me, climbing up and giving me a big hug.
"Don't worry, daddy, I'm not going to ask anymore. And we won't ask mommy about it, either. Promised. Okay?" he offered.
"Um… okay." I returned the embracement before TK happily crawled off, heading back into his room to play with Moe and the rest of his stuffed animals again.
"What did you tell him?" I asked Matt as soon as TK had closed the door. Matt shrugged.
"Just that this was a topic one doesn't talk about."
"That's all?" I inquired, doubting. "Just 'one doesn't talk about it'? And he was fine with that?"
Matt's cheeks turned a slightly rose tone.
"Well. TK and I have things we don't want to talk about, too, so…" he said nervously.
I rose an eyebrow suspiciously. Then I grinned. An evil grin.
"Like about that bag of potatoe chips you hide under your bed?" I asked nonchalantly. Matt froze, shocked that I knew.
"Come on, get playing," I chuckled, getting up and starting to tickle him. "And don't you worry ever again about your mommy and me having sex. You see that I know what I'm doing?"
He nodded, scratching his head.
"Yeah. Sorry, dad."
I pulled him into a hug.
"And Matt? Thanks for helping me out just now," I said lowly. I know I wouldn't have gotten out of that talk without Matt. He hugged back as good as his small arms would allow him to.
"Anytime, dad."
So that was my day. My children know how sex is working now… Natsuko still sees the innocent babies when she looks at them… And I'm waiting for the day when she gets to know and kills me for telling them.
Is anyone feeling pity for me at least?