Merry Christmas, probably-missing-me viewers. Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's just that I've been so busy with season 9. Red carpet appearances, fan letters, the works. Plus, that weird-tasting milk I had led to some complications and I got tons of get well soon cards. Anywho, I'm back, baby, and I'm gonna hit you up with a little holiday special. It's a few tips for surviving the holidays. Nothing special, but just enjoy, alright?
1: Make Sure Your Letter to Santa is Nice
(Stewie is in the kitchen with Brian)
Stewie: Brian, would you mind previewing my letter to Santa? Here, I'll read it to you. "Dear Santa Claus, this year I shall require the following items. Make sure to deliver most or all of these items to 31 Spooner Street, Quahog, Rhode Island. These items are an AK-47 Assault Rifle, ammo for my RPG, a very sturdy nuclear warhead, a tank, any Fisher-Price toy, the first season of the Wiggles on DVD and/or Blu-Ray, plus, the Family Guy DVD It's A Trap, because I really want to know how I did, and finally, a greatest hits album of any of these singers: Ricky Martin and Guns 'N Roses. If these items are delivered correctly and on time, thank you. Sincerely, Stewart Gilligan Griffin." What do you think?
Brian: Not very innocent-like.
Stewie: Stop talking! (Stewie runs away)
Brian: Sheesh. Drama queen. (He sips his coffee)
2: Mall Santas Aren't The Real Deal
(Herbert is a mall Santa and Brian happens to see him)
Brian: Herbert? A pedophile playing a mall Santa? I have to do something about this! (Chris happens to be standing nearby) Hey, Chris, Santa's over there. (Chris sees him)
Chris: Santa! (He laughs and runs toward him)
Herbert: Alright, which sexy boy is next? (He sees Chris running towards him) Oh, sh- (Chris plows into him and topples him and his chair over) So painful, yet so sexy, like in my dreams! I think I'm gonna flat line! Oh, I'm right. (thud)
3: Don't Drink Too Much Eggnog
(Peter is in the living room and looks drunk)
Lois: Uh, Peter, I think you've had enough eggnog.
Peter: (slurring) Oh, look, it's Lois, the woman who has to kill your buzz. You know, Lois, if-if there was a whole army of you, the world would be dead. I'm gonna go outside and totally topple your snow fort. (Peter stumbles outside and we just hear his voice) Alright, now where is that fort? Hey, look, it's Santa! Oh, he's flying a little low there. (We hear a loud crashing sound and then the song Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer)
4: Don't Try To Catch Santa. You Can't.
(Stewie is looking on security cameras and sees Santa)
Stewie: I've got you now, you bearded son of a bitch. (Stewie presses a button and it covers Santa in a net) Yes! Ha-ha! Finally! (He walks downstairs with a pocket knife to finish the job, but then-) What the deuce? (He sees that Santa has disappeared and that he has a bulge in his stocking) Damn! Well, at least I still have something in my stocking. (He looks inside and a fist pops out and punches him)
5: For God's Sakes, Do Not Go to the Mall Close to Christmas. The People There Are Like Rabid Dogs.
(At the mall, a large crowd of people are running around, snarling, and foaming from their mouths; Two women are growling and fighting over a video game with their teeth; A man chases a cat up a tree; A clerk is pounced on and mauled; Stewie appears on the screen)
Stewie: Well, that's my hints. Don't take them for granted. Ra-cha-cha-cha-cha! Alright, see you later, and from the cast of Family Guy, (Every character that has ever been in Family Guy appears on the screen, except the dead ones)
Cast: We wish you a merry Christmas!
Mort: And let's not forget about Hanukkah, huh? Come on! People are always forgetting Hanukkah!
Peter: Shut up, Meg.