Just something that's been flying around in my head for the past few days. It finally formed when I was falling asleep last night. Merlin ponders past events and his reasons behind not revealing his magic to Arthur.

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin

Recollection

I lie awake longer each night now. And most nights my conversation with Lancelot springs to my mind, no matter how much I want to put it behind me. 'You know Merlin,' he'd said, 'you're the one Arthur should Knight. You are the bravest of us all, and he doesn't even know it.'

And, like the many times I had reasoned with myself over this point, I gave the same answer. 'He can't. Not yet.'

To be entirely honest, I'm not sure if this is true any more. Arthur has seen so much of magic- the good and the bad- that I've been thinking for a while now that he may just be ready to know. That he'd understand, and maybe even appreciate what I have done for him through the years. That he'd be able to see magic not as good or evil, but as a tool to be fashioned by the user into whatever purpose they choose.

But my betrayal- my lies- they may not be so easy for him to accept. I can't bear the thought of how he might react when he learns of how often I have lied to him over the years, and how so many of my actions have played a hand in creating disaster after disaster- this latest one being no different.

And my mind wanders back- back to the many times I caught a glimpse that he may have been prepared for the knowledge. It first occurred to me when he was so willing to help in freeing Mordred from the prison- he had seen that Mordred was just a young boy, even if he did have magic. But then, I already know the future that I may have caused by helping the druid boy to escape that day, and I can only hope that it doesn't come true. But I was right that time- Arthur wasn't ready, as became obvious months later when I saw how angry he was over the use of magic in Ealdor. I guess I have Will to thank that I'm still alive now.

Then there was that conversation we had when he had completed Morgause's challenge, before he met the image of him mother. 'What if my father's attitude to magic is wrong?' He was so close to having his eyes opened. 'Surely not everyone who practises magic can be evil.' He was so close to the truth. And then, because of my own words, he went back to his old beliefs. No- he was worse. But only for a brief time- that was just grief. I knew that. He struggled so much at that time. But still, it made me so much more hesitant. So much more wary.

Time passed, and it grew harder for me to speak. The words I would tell him wouldn't form in my mind. Instead of all the times I have protected him, all of my mistakes cloud my thoughts in their place.

Morgana- what if, instead of taking her to the Druids, I had talked to her about magic? Maybe even shown her mine? Maybe she wouldn't have so easily fallen from the right path. She could have done so much good- could have helped to change Uther's mind- and because of me she slipped away and became what she is now. A traitor, who betrayed us because she believes we betrayed her. Believes I betrayed her. And maybe I did- I poisoned her. Tried to kill her. It's no wonder she turned on me. It's no wonder she gave up.

Then there was the Dragon. How am I supposed to tell him that it was my fault that Camelot came so close to destruction? That I am the one responsible for so many needless deaths? Arthur loves the people of Camelot with all his heart- would he ever forgive me if he knew the truth behind the Dragon's escape from it's chains?

I have made so many mistakes- ones which have influenced the world in ways I never even imagined. And yet I know that one day I must tell him. But it's so hard. So hard to find the words. So hard to find the courage to admit not only that I have magic, not only that I have lied to him, but also that I am responsible for so much pain.

I told Gilli that it was lonely living like a shadow. But how much more lonely would it be if the one man I need to trust me turns his back on me? If he never forgives me?

'You are the bravest of us all, and he doesn't even know it.'

It's not true. I'm a coward. So sick of telling lies, and yet too scared to speak the truth.

Arthur may be ready. I don't know. But I know that I'm not.

I know it's not absolute, but this is just something that came about when I thought that maybe it's Merlin who's not ready for his secret to be known.

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