"Babe, where are you?" read the text. Beck carelessly threw his IPhone across the room. He didn't want to deal with anyone right now, especially not Tori. Anticipating what was to come, he pushed up his sleeve and tied his bandana around it. 'Bingo,' he thought, as he located his vein. He carefully picked up the syringe and placed the tip of the needle to his arm. He took in a deep breath-no matter how many times he had done this, he still got a little nervous. He pushed down and winced in pain as the needle went in. After a few minutes, the pain subsided and the familiar feeling that so often comforted him enveloped him and numbed his pain. He laid back on his bed and closed his eyes. He couldn't concentrate on what was going on anymore-not that he wanted to, anyway. He felt like he was in his own velvety cocoon that no one could infiltrate, floating on a cloud for what felt like an eternity. He never wanted to leave.
"Oh, where is he?" wondered Tori. She had called Beck multiple times, sent texts, and she had even sent emails, but still no reply. He had always disappeared like this. She sadly put her phone down on the passenger seat of her car. 'Maybe I'm being a worry wart...' she thought to herself. Seconds became minutes, and minutes eventually felt like hours. Inevitably, her mind began to think of the worse case scenarios. 'He couldn't be….' She chewed her bottom lip. It had been so long since he had been in rehab.
"No, of course not!" She shook her head. "He's probably just…. with…Jade…" she said to herself. Tears began to slide down her cheeks, wetting the steering wheel. She loved him immensely and yet she always felt like she couldn't compare to Jade. Jade always seemed to understand him better. Jade had been there during the rough times, the ones that led him to rehab. She had been there when he got better and as a result, they shared a deep bond whether or not they were together. What could Tori offer him? The neon sign at Nozu's suddenly flickered on and off, snapping her out of her self-deprecation. She sighed. What should she do? He still hadn't replied to any of her messages. Surely it wouldn't harm anyone if she drove to Jade's house to "return" that sweater she had left in Tori's house weeks ago, right? Following her impulse, Tori quickly set sail for Jade's house.
Jade brushed her hair for the umpteenth time. It wasn't like Beck to forget to text her before going to sleep. It shouldn't have mattered to her anyway, since she and Beck were just friends, but she couldn't deny the deep love she still felt for him in every piece of her soul. She missed his hands…his hair…his eyes boring into her mind…but he was very bad for her, and she needed to save herself before he took her down with him. She needed to face the music: they just weren't good for each other. Jade glanced at the pictures on her mirror, remnants of happier days. 'Maybe I should take those do-'A very loud and obnoxious knock on the front door interrupted her train of thought. 'Beck!" she thought and ran to the front door. She opened the door to a shuffling Tori, awkwardly clutching a sweater. She grabbed her hand before she could say anything and dragged her up the stairs, hissing "SSHHH!" as the other girl protested. She desperately hoped that her parents were in deep sleep already. Tori's eyes wandered around as she entered the other girl's room. It seemed so….normal. So….not Jade. She had expected skulls and scissors to adorn the room while bats flied around and blood dripped from the ceiling. Instead, there were just bare walls, a bed, a dresser, and a mirror. The only thing that was remotely personified was the mirror; it wascovered in pictures of her and Beck. Jade's voice suddenly broke through the quiet.
"Do you want to tell me what you're doing here at 12 in the morning?" Tori's eyes widened in surprise.
"Oh dude is it really 12 in the morning already? I'm sorry….I just came….to return this sweater," she offered with a weak smile. Jade narrowed her eyes.
"That thin piece of garbage belongs to Robbie. But I think you already knew that." Tori plopped herself on Jade's bed.
"Yes, please, sit," Jade said to her sarcastically. Tori began hysterically sobbing and wailed "I'M SORRYYYYYYY!" and then Jade froze and clamped her hand down on the other girl's mouth.
"Listen here Vega," she hissed, "My parents just went on a drug binge and I don't know when they'll wake up but I just know it isn't pretty when they do. Now, you either quietly tell me what's wrong with you, or you can make sure to not let the door hit you on the way out." Tori blinked tears out of her eyes and took a deep breath once Jade removed her hand.
"I know this is weird because you and Beck have a history…but you did give us your blessing. Jade, I'm so in love with him I can't even stand it. Things seemed to be going good for us and then he unexpectedly began disappearing for hours upon end. He told me that he was just out skating, or biking, or doing some hobby but now whenever I call or text, he never answers. I know it sounds obsessive but I get worried because it happens all the time and lately it's been getting worse. He never offers a proper explanation and I'm not his girlfriend so I know he doesn't have to explain anything to me but I know he is not out 'skating' at 12 in the morning. So, I don't know, I thought I'd find him here…I just wanted to make sure he was safe," she finished quietly. Jade slowly sat beside her. She lightly put her arm around her and gave her shoulder a small squeeze. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say, I really don't talk to him anymore. But…how long has it been did you say? Since you last heard from him?" Tori looked up at the ceiling in deep thought. "Not since last night, I think." The anxiety in Jade's chest grew exponentially. "Beck is a big boy," she said aloud, "he can take care of himself. Why don't I tell you about why we broke up?"
"I don't think the room is supposed to be spinning," Beck groaned. He tried to get off his bed but was overcome by a strong wave of nausea and a throbbing pain in his head. He started sweating profusely, too. The comedowns always sucked, but they had never quite felt like this. Fear clutched Beck's heart. "Fuck I can't…"
All of a sudden, he dropped to the floor and began convulsing.
"Okay, so, you know he went to rehab. But what you don't know is that he went to rehab because he almost OD'd. He was always trying to escape reality…Maybe I wasn't good enough to keep him sober and happy. I guess I can't really blame him you know? His parents are really rough on him…that's why he moved out to the RV." She smiled sadly and looked away from Tori. "We used to do everything in there together. We would shoot up, snort, smoke, swallow…you name it and we did it. But after he almost died, I decided that I couldn't go through that again. I couldn't lose him and I never wanted him to feel what I felt that day. To tell you the truth, I was never really much of a user since I only used when I was with Beck…It's stupid, but I guess I felt like I could only be truly close to him if I could escape with him. It wasn't hard to get the drugs; it was so easy to get them from our parents. But he started using on his own and he got more addicted. Even after rehab, he always tried to get me to use with him again. I tried to be there for him Tori, I really did. But I couldn't let those demons back into my life. No matter what love I had for him, in the end, it came down to whether I would save myself for me or if I would sacrifice myself for Beck. I had to choose me." Tori looked at her with pity in her eyes.
"Wow."
"Yeah, that's what everybody says." Her eyes filled with sadness.
"I think he's using again. I'm sorry Tori. I know you wanted to be with him, but I can't help you. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It's taken me so long to get to this point where I can live without him and I won't undo my progress for someone who won't give me the time of day."
Tori looked up at her.
"You mean you've tried already?" Jade slowly nodded as she fingered a pair of black scissors that were on her dresser.
"It just drove him away." The darkness of the room hid a single tear that rolled down her face. But as quickly as it came, it was gone.