A/N: Hello, and welcome to my first Artemis Fowl fic! Yes, I know, the character is a mary-sue… DEAL. Remember to R&R!

Artemis Fowl and the King of the Trolls

Ch. 1: A Mulch of a Visit

Fowl Manor

Artemis Fowl II sat at his desk, typing on his laptop- the latest version of a Dell notebook. He was typing a report for his father on the proceedings of his experiment. He and his partner, Maria Hale, were researching a cure for cancer, and his father had built a lab for them, and expected weekly updates. Artemis's fingers paused over the keyboard as he heard the door open. He had been on edge ever since Butler had gotten sick, and was forced to stay in bed. It didn't look like he would survive this sickness. Artemis heard steps behind him, and he slowly turned his head just enough to see the reflection on the screen of the notebook.

"Don't get your boxers in a twist, Arty! Its just me!" said an amused Maria. She plopped down on a low sofa next to Artemis, and flashed him a smile. Artemis rolled his eyes slightly, and said,

"First of all, don't call me Arty, second of all, knock, and third of all, why are you here?" Maria heaved a large, theatrical sigh, and replied,

"First and Second of all, no, and third of all, because I came to see Butler. Is that such a crime?" Maria leaned back into the couch, and stared at Artemis awaiting an answer.

"No, it's not a crime." He said, turning back towards the computer screen, his young face etched with worry for his friend.

"Look, Artemis, I bet Butler will be alright! You just gotta have some faith in him!" Maria said, getting up, and hugging Artemis- something she knew that he liked but wouldn't show that he did. Artemis nodded, and resumed typing.

"Well, I'm heading home," Maria said, "See ya tomorrow!" She gave a small wave to Artemis's back, and turned toward the door, with every intention of leaving, but being stopped by a peculiar-looking child standing in the doorframe. Then, Maria noticed that this child wasn't a child. No- he looked to be a really short adult with hair all over him. This hair seemed to move of its own free will.

Maria stumbled backwards a little bit, and hit a table that stood behind her, knocking off a vase, which made it shatter into a thousand pieces upon contact with the hardwood floor. This aroused Artemis's attention, and he quickly turned around. The scene before him wasn't a particularly happy one. The table that had stood in the middle of the room was now knocked over; the antique vase that was on top of it was shattered, its contents slowly flowing across the floor in all directions. Then, he saw a horror-struck Maria, and an annoyed Mulch looking at each other.

"Hello, Mulch." Artemis said, sparing him a smirk. He walked over to Maria, and waved a hand in front of her face. She was breathing hard, and she looked to be in a state of shock. Artemis sighed, running a hand over his face. This was the third lab assistant in one year to have encountered one of his 'other' friends. "Maria, please follow me." He said, walking to a cabinet on the far side of the room.

He grabbed a small, slim apparatus out of it, and flipped the top up. "Now, just look into this light here, and wait." Maria had followed him, and now stood as far from Mulch as possible. Artemis pulled out two pairs of sunglasses from the cabinet, and tossed one pair to Mulch. "Put those on, Mulch, and don't take them off until I tell you to." Mulch nodded, and silently placed the glasses on. He had been through this one time before, and he knew what was going to happen. Then, on Artemis's signal, he hid behind the ornate desk. Artemis, then adjusted some settings on the device, and put his glasses on. "Now, Maria, look closely into this light, I promise it won't hurt." Said Artemis, and he pressed a button. A light flashed, and Maria looked dazed for a second, and then came back to herself.

"Oh! Artemis! Sorry for dropping in like this, but all I wanted to say was that I quit, and I want you to set me up with a new job." She said in a monotone voice. Artemis nodded, satisfied, and walked her out of the room. When he returned, he saw Mulch standing in the middle of the room, examining the device that Artemis had used to wipe the girl's memory.

"What is this, Arty?" Mulch asked, one of his famous tombstone smiles spreading across his face. Artemis heaved a sigh, and replied,

"That, Mulch, is a mind- wiper. The same design as the Men in Black version." Mulch nodded- a little confused about the movie name- but comprehending.

"Interesting…" he said, setting it on the table, along with his glasses. "Now, down to business." He said, sitting on an overstuffed chair, and looked at Artemis. "How is Butler?" Artemis sat across from him, and sighed.

"He's still confined to bed, but he is doing better." Mulch smiled a small smile, and nodded.

"Good," he said, nodding. An awkward moment passed, where both beings sat in silence, and thought of their ailing friend.

"Would you like to see him?" Artemis asked, and Mulch nodded. They both got up, and Mulch followed him up to Butler's bedroom, where they found him sitting up in bed and watching TV. Butler looked up, and smiled at Artemis and Mulch.

"Hello there, Mulch, Artemis." He said, clearly happy with the visit from his two friends. Artemis smiled back at him, and so did Mulch.

"Hello, Butler," said Mulch, walking up to his bed. "How are you doing?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "We're all anxious to know." Butler sighed, and said,

"I'm doing better, I guess, but I don't think that I'll ever be able to… do my job as well as I used to." He said, looking a little crestfallen.

"I'm sure that's not true!" said Mulch, patting him on the shoulder, "I mean, you came back from the dead for crying out loud!" Butler smiled, and nodded.

"I guess you're right." He said, looking happier.

The next day, Artemis posted a notice on the internet of an open position on his 'team'. The notice said that the applicant should e-mail him their résumé, and that he would take only the best woman or man. In seconds, he had a full inbox of résumés, with more coming by the minute. He scanned over the e-mails, and found five that looked interesting. He deleted the rest, including his post on the internet, and scanned the résumés. Then, he eliminated three, getting his top two. They happened to be between two women, one of which had attended Harvard, the other U of M. He read the Harvard girl's résumé, and decided that she wasn't the type of assistant that he wanted, and read the other résumé. Artemis smiled; he had found his new partner. He opened up his e-mail again, and sent her a congratulatory e-mail.