Into the dark, a hollyoaks fanfic

The unimaginable.

Dear diary.

Lydia here.

Im in the hospital. Like the last time I wrote in you.

I tried to dispose of my own life, again.

You're the only person I can confide in about this particular secret. Ive done something terrible. Not just "ive cheated on a girlfriend" terrible, or "ive cheated on a test" awful, but something truly numbing.

The love of my life is dead. And its my fault.

Jealously. That's what got me into the situation I found myself in now. My insecurities, my trust issues, the demons that had stalked me constantly throughout my life. Sarah had just made this worsen. She was popular, gorgeous, and she was a mode, who wouldn't try it on with her? She had dark brown hair, and one of those heart shaped faces that you could look at for days on end. She always looked like she was on a shoot, perfectly made up, stylish clothes to rival the likes of Kate Moss, and she always had a ear to ear smile fixed on her face. The fact that someone would want to kill her was shocking. That's what I had heard them all say. But they didn't know that she wasn't the victim.

It was that bitch, Zoe. The girl who had came into Sarah's life before me, and left a scar. She had taken advantage of Sarah when she was drunk. While she was dating Sarahs dad. It was all a huge mess, and a ploy to rip the family apart. It worked for a while, but then they just of took Zoe for the manipulative little cow she is, and rose above the mistakes made, becoming father and daughter again.

The aftermath of this was when I met Sarah. She was alarmingly pretty,and her laugh filled up a room with joy. But I didn't think she was interested in girls. She had always called the incident with Zoe a mistake. She had even, gone out with Archie, Zoes brother in a clear denial, but ended it in one day in favour of me. I couldn't believe my luck, at last something was happening to me that was interesting, worth having, worth living my life for, worth fighting for. I was truly infatuated from the get go. Sarah flitted around trying to impress me, not realising she did this just my batting her large eyes at me in a bambi-fashion, or taking a photo with me where we were both smiling.

I saw Charlotte giving me wary looks in the village. Charlotte..the first reason I ended up in here. When me and Charlotte broke up. She knew what I was like, she called me psychotic, her and her mate Dave, Dave the laugh..he always tried to wind me up, claimed he was protecting Charlotte from the fact I was mental. I wasn't mental, I wasn't ill, I just had a few problems weighting on my head.

Me and Sarah had just cleared a rough patch, with one of the best nights of my life..I told her she loved me, and she blinked slightly and repeated the overused phrase, and it made my life a whole lot better, it made me feel more healthy, pure, passionate.

Suddenly, the next day, Zoe got her claws back into my girlfriend. I found out that they had headed off to a adventure holiday. Why wasn't I invited? Was I not cool enough, not girlie enough? Then I realised..it was Zoe, she wanted to try and get Sarah into bed again, manipulate her, try and take her under her spell the way she seemingly had done with everyone else in the village. I had seen her at work, I had warned her off, but she hadn't got the message, she thought Sarah was her property, that she could click her fingers and she would run. I decided that a little surprise was in order. I joined them on their adventure trip…and thank god I did, they looked cosy, friendly, happy when I joined them, laughing over their cheap wine, giggling all over the place, screaming at the sight of me. It seemed like I had ruined their fun. Zoë's face immediately dropped, and so did Sarah's. But I knew Sarah was happy to see me, Zoe was influencing her, the way she had done with Mike, Sarah's dad. She thought she was so high and mighty, so clever, but I knew her game.

It was obvious to see. I saw the way she looked at Sarah, hanging on to her every word, they walked around together everywhere, laughing through all the lessons about how to operate a parachute.

Sarah had the audacity to tell me to lighten up, tell me I was being boring. Asking me why I was here, telling me to go home. She was being told to say this by Zoe. I know she was, she couldn't of said that on her own, she loved me, she said so, she loved me. she went for me, she didn't have to, she didn't have to of kissed me by the bus stop that day but she did, or buy me festival tickets, it was love, we were going to buy a flat, be happy, live like a couple. Without Zoe's input.

I told her Zoe was after her. Sarah let out a high pitched laugh which didn't fool me, and told me I was being pathetic. She and Zoe left on a bender.

I decided that words spoke louder then actions. I took Zoe aside the next day, and decided to play her at her own sick mind games. I told her that Sarah tried to kill herself because she loved Zoe. Zoe swallowed it, she avoided Sarah, the bitch. As soon as the going gets tough, she thinks she can scraper and leave me to pick up the pieces. Its ok, I am the one who loves Sarah. I was thinking about our future together just the other day.

Zoe and Sarah had a huge barney, I listened in, panicking, what if Zoe revealed all. The silly bitch did, she twisted it all, making out I was obsessed with her, telling her everything I had ever done like she was the flipping Queen. She didn't know a thing, she just thought she did because she was Sarah's first experiment. Like that meant anything, she was just being a idiot, a horrible excuse for a person. They both called me a psycho, getting drunk in the wood, Sarah said she never loved me. it was the drink, she would never say that, she loves me to bits, I know she does, by the look in her eyes when she sees me, she loves me and she knows it, she's scared, I understand. If only I could stand with her and tell her everything would be ok, and to move us away, cut Zoe out of our lives.

I followed them back to the tent, as they stumbled, fell, and giggled, play fighting, rolling around having fun. This was all wrong, it was the wrong way round, why wasn't I having fun with my girlfriend?

I watched their shadows in the tent, the way Zoe cackled when Sarah declared she didn't want to share a tent with me because I was a Looney, I was incensed she believed that horrible bitch over me, just because she knew her for longer?

They undressed..And Zoe forced Sarah down, coming on to her.

Ok, that's not true. It was the other way around. My love, my love, my love, my everything had turned on me, and tried to pin down the opposition and seduce her. And then Zoe pulled away, this was what she wanted. To reel Sarah in then spit her out..like she had the right. Like she had any right. She needed to pay.

Angrily, I made my way towards the unit.

I had a rage blackout, I kicked things and ended up against the wall crying my eyes out. Did anyone think about me, no they didn't. they didn't care that I was here now, they were fooling around in the tent.

Another rage hit me. Zoe. Zoe. Zoe. This was no fault of Sarah's, she was being pushed, forced, without Zoe we would be happy.

Without Zoe we would be happy

The thought drummed into my head, I quickly snatched up the penknife in my pocket, and scratched through anything I could see on one parachute. The parachute with the name Zoe above it.

That stupid perverted bitch can rot in hell, theres a place for people like her, hell. Shes a player, she's a slut, she's a manipulating controlling bitch, she was the puppeteer behind Sarah, as soon as she was gone the door was open, and I could get my girlfriend back. We could marry, adopt, anything, I wouldn't care, as long as I had her.

The next day, we all walked into the unit, Sarah and Zoe both had hangovers, but were being giggly with eachother and distant with me..had they got together, behind my back..why would they do that behind my back or even to my face it didn't make sense it wasn't fair.

My breath quickened..the parachutes were mixed up. Nobody knew which one was tainted.

What If I killed myself, they would all laugh then, Sarah and Zoe wrapped up in a duvet with hot chocolate, tearing up pictures of me and hurling insults, obviously because Sarah was under a spell, but it would hurt all the same, I would watch down on them, knowing that Zoe was just ruining everything.

I couldn't die.

Not me

It had to be Zoe

Or the plan wouldn't work. Everything for nothing. It would be all or nothing. It was a win loose-situation. Imagine If I jumped out a plane, and knew I was going to die?

Sarah and Zoe cosied up on the plane aswell. Zoe was acting, pretending she was scared, even though I knew she just wanted Sarah's attention, the way that she craved. She was trying to make me angry and jealous, it wouldn't work.

I was the first out of the plane. Why me, were they doing something, would I be interrupting? I saw Zoe out of the plane, I wanted to slap her. She was vile, she was beastly, I hated her. Then Sarah. Beautiful Sarah, her hair flapping in the wind, her smile brightening up the sky the way I only usually saw in the sun. she was beaming. I grinned back, but it wasn't at me. It was at Zoe. I bet Zoe told her to, Zoë's trying to nudge me out the way, humiliate me. it wouldn't work.

I pulled my flap with a hope, and it went up. I smiled. I was going to live. Zoe was going to die, and I could just be here watching it, the way it was meant to be. The good life, sure maybe Sarah would take some time to come to terms with her death, but that wasn't my concern, I would be nice, help her through it.

Then the moment came, the conclusion to this sordid affair between Zoe and my girlfriend. Zoe tugged at her strings.

But it was all wrong

Zoe bounced up, she was floating.

Then it suddenly dawned on me.

Sarah

Sarah fiddled with her parachute, her smile fading, my smile fading, Zoe looking puzzled

"Sarah pull it!" Zoe said, and Sarah continued trying

"ZOE ITS NOT WORKING" she screamed, and then suddenly it worked. She popped up slightly, I was relived. Maybe nobody would die, if Zoe didn't die nobody else deserved to anyway. But she only popped up slightly. The parachute, it didn't look right..it was spinning..sarah was spinning..everything was tangled, the parachute had a hole in it. Sarah was plummeting towards the ground

"HELPP!" Sarah screeched through the air, as I floated around feeling helpless, Zoe was trying to pull herself down, trying to reach Sarah in vain, but I would get there before her.

"SARAH" I shouted, watching her falling down faster and faster, a expression of terror fixed on her face. Her eyes were watering, she knew it, she knew what was happening, she knew how this would end. The minute she got to the ground she wouldn't live to tell the tale, she wasn't stupid

"IM GOING TO DIE" she shouted, thickly through her tears, and she grabbed on to the side of her parachute chords, trying to heave herself up, as she got closer and closer to the ground at a high speed

"CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE" Sarah screamed, and then it ended. Just like that. A single thunk, and Sarah was sprawled across the floor, and nothing else was heard from her

"SARAH!" Zoe gasped, the dumb cow obviously just realised the situation. My body trembled. Sarah wasn't dead. She was just playing a trick on us. She had a funny sense of humour. Nobody could sabotage the parachutes. I didn't. I had a dream I did, but I couldn't of. Because my dream killed Zoe. But this was reality, this was Sarah, Sarah, the love of my life Sarah Barnes. She couldn't die. She wasn't stupid, she wasn't weak like Zoe, she was strong, gorgeous. Nothing could hurt her, nothing could get in the way of our relationship.

Her last screams rang In my ears, the desperation that was coursing through her voice, the way she knew that she was plunging to something that would hurt her, possibly kill her. It must have been so scary, so horrifying to find yourself flying towards the ground, tugging at your parachute and seeing that there were complications, unlike everyone else, having people shouting at you to just pull harder, but when you do the outcome is that the parachute is tangled. She must have been terrified. Because of me, she went to the ground hurt, crying, scared, thinking that she was living her last moments.

I landed on the ground and quickly unharnessed myself and broke out into a run. I had to find her before Zoe, who had hit the ground about 10 seconds ago and also ran towards the centre of the district.

"NO" I heard a cry, and I knew it was Zoe. I followed the voice, and cried myself, I was shaking, with rage, with sadness and with unbelievable shock. The field around Sarah's dead body had her blood splattered around with it. Her body was limp, her eyes weren't even shut, she was pale, disorientated looking, odd looking..her bones were jerking out. The high impact must of smashed her bones, killed her on arrival. Zoe had Sarah's head in her lap, crying her eyes out, her eyes already looking raw.

"My best friend" Zoe sobbed, squeezing Sarah's hand. I sat in the other end of the field, knowing that Zoe had no idea I had arrived, I wanted to leave it that way. I didn't want to give Zoe the satisfaction that she had killed my girlfriend. She had taken the wrong parachute. This was her fault, not mine, she had done it all wrong, she and taken the wrong stupid parachute and killed Sarah. She killed Sarah. The smug little bitch got what she wanted. I would make her pay.

And so I did. I framed her. I put my knife under her bed.

And then I grabbed another one, and crossed it straight through my heart, wishing a untimely death on myself, so I could be with Sarah, the one person who loved me. I loved her to, I needed her, her scent, her speaking, her laughter, her smile, her aura. I needed her, I didn't need the murderer who killed her, Zoe.

I was found by Mike, and Zoe pretended to look distraught and mike had to hold her back from "trying to help me" like she would ever try. Me trying to kill myself was her fault to. It was all her fault, every single thing. She was spiteful, horrible, nasty and just plain urgh.

But I cut the chords. I should of just killed Zoe after. It was too risky. And now Sarah was six feet under paying the price of me and Zoë's battle for her. Zoe pretended she didn't know when confronted with the truth, but she didn't need to. I would get her soon enough, and myself. We needed to be with Sarah. I needed to be there when she told Zoe she wanted me.

She wanted me

And now shes gone.