Okay, so I finally decided to quit sitting around on this story and actually publish it. I have a good portion of this story already written and mostly ready to be posted, the problem is that I'm a total newbie to this site. This is the first story I've ever contributed so bear with me while I work out all of the kinks.
Hope you like lemons.
Anyhow, hope you enjoy it.
SM owns everything Twilight. I just make her characters a lot hornier.
Chapter 1 – Miscommunication
RPOV
In the past seventeen years of my life, I had never experienced such an emotionally draining period of time than I had at the beginning of summer, and that was saying something. My life was stuck on fast forward during my childhood, and it was such a struggle to keep up with my rapidly changing life. If I wasn't busy trying to adjust to my rapidly changing body, then I was playing catch up with my hormones and emotions. It was no easy task to change from a child to a teenager in the span of months, much like the change of teenager to adult. Puberty was a bitch, to put it lightly. What most had years to become accustomed to, I was forced to endure in just half the time. But none of that compared to what had happened this summer. If I thought I knew what drastic change was, I was dead wrong.
Nahuel had come to visit during June of this summer, just like he had a little bit over a decade ago before I reached full maturity, just three months before my birthday. It was different this time. He was different. Up until that point, Jake had been the only man in my life besides the men of my family and his pack. When Nahuel came and expressed his feelings for me, I was shocked by the fact that he'd thought of me that way. It was the first time in my life somebody I cared about had shared such intimate feelings with me. I convinced myself that I felt the same way for him, not realizing I was fooling myself. I thought I loved him because we were so alike and because I thought I was experiencing love for the first time in a non-familial way. It was overwhelming, and my brain was slow to actually analyze what I was doing.
I was fully aware that I was Jake's imprint, and I knew about my developing feelings for him for quite some time. Well, developing would be an understatement; I had a major crush on him for quite some time, I just wasn't sure if it was a crush or something more, I had no experience to base my feelings off of. I just didn't understand what it truly meant at that point in time. It was different from what I felt with Nahuel, though I couldn't discern what the difference was. I understood the implications of being Jake's imprint, I just had no idea that Jake wouldn't make his feelings for me clear until he knew how I felt. He felt obligated to make me happy, and since I'd been happy with our friendship and hadn't really suggested otherwise, he couldn't bring himself to change things in fear that it would strain our relationship if I didn't return the feelings. I knew that with a simple confession of my feelings I could claim Jake as my own, but I had no experience with non-familial relationships, let alone experience with how to even approach the subject of telling him.
The nervousness I felt when I imagined telling Jake, my best friend and confidant, that I was falling in love with him was nearly paralyzing. I knew that it was irrational to be nervous; Jake had imprinted on me and he had probably been waiting for me to realize and admit that I loved him since the day I'd reached full maturity. But even with the knowledge that Jake would return my feelings, I let my nerves get the best of me. How was I supposed to go about initiating the change of our relationship into something more intimate when I'd never even been kissed or even gone on a date in my life? We'd spoken many times before about him imprinting on me, but not once had he ever vocalized the implications of what it meant for our relationship- I couldn't fault him for that, I had never bothered to ask even when I wanted to. I may have super-human senses, speed, and strength as a half-vampire, but I most definitely did not have super-human nerves of steel. As much as I hated being considered immature, that's exactly what I thought of myself. I simply wasn't mature enough to swallow my pride and wear my heart on my sleeve to take the first step in initiating that change.
I spent weeks getting to know Nahuel better on a much more personal level, as did my family. He impressed my father with his gentleman-like behavior, treating me much more delicately then I was used to, or was necessary. Every so often we would share kisses, which filled my stomach with butterflies each time while also leaving me feeling a bit odd. I had known Nahuel since I was less than a year old, but had very few face to face encounters with him. It was a strange feeling being intimate in any way with somebody I once considered a dear friend, especially when things between us changed so abruptly. Maybe that was why it had been so hard for me to sort out my feelings and see Jake the same way.
As more time passed and I saw less and less of Jake, I began to think his absence was due to him being courteous and trying not to intrude on us. It was also partially because we spent most of our time away from the house to gain some privacy, a commodity that was hard to find in a house full of vampires with supernatural hearing. I certainly wouldn't have cared if Jake wanted to spend time with us, although I knew he'd just say something about being a third wheel. Not seeing him everyday like I had grown used to left a nagging feeling in my heart, which I attributed to the fact that I was just used to seeing him so often.
Eventually I found myself thinking of him more often than I did even when he was around, and at even odder times. When Nahuel would kiss me, I would randomly wonder what it would be like if it were Jake kissing me. Would it feel different? When we held hands, I imagined his hand would be a little warmer like Jake's would be. When I would hunt, I would reminisce about the times when I was younger when Jake and I had competitions to see who could take down the largest prey. This continued as time progressed, and I was starting to become desperate for excuses to justify my thoughts to myself. It eventually got to the point where it physically hurt to think of him, and my mind would automatically divert itself from thinking of him to spare myself from the pain. His continued absence from my life haunted me, the emotional pain was crippling at times.
Nahuel had opted to drink animal blood during the time we spent, something I had not thought much about after his arrival. I was just so caught up in the excitement I felt at seeing my old friend coupled with our developing relationship. The unfamiliarity of being in a relationship made me too preoccupied with savoring every new feeling for me to actually think too much about the situation as a whole. It hadn't occurred to me that this was a drastic dietary change for him until one of the last days before he was scheduled to return to South America.
It was the beginning of July when we had decided to go hunting together to spend some time alone. We ran until the city lights of Portland were in view, at which point I began to lead us into a new direction, back towards the surrounding wilderness to hopefully get lucky and find a black bear or something equally appetizing. I stopped in my tracks when I heard Nahuel beginning to slow behind me as I changed our course.
"Renesmee, where are you going?" he said playfully, smiling enthusiastically at me. He nudged his head back in the direction of our original path.
I laughed at him, returning the enthusiasm. "I was planning on finding myself a meal. Unless you were planning on feeding…" I trailed off in panic and stopped dead in my tracks as the thought invaded my mind. Oh no. No, no, no! He isn't going to feed off humans is he?
"Renesmee? Are you okay?" he asked as he closed the distance between us and took my hand in his. I looked down at the ground in horror as I came to the realization that he was in fact planning on feeding off of humans.
"Nahuel, I can't. I mean- I don't," I mumbled while searching for the right words, trying to hide the disgust in my voice. My thoughts were a mess. I wanted to pull my hand back from his, I was able to think clearly enough to know that I was repulsed by even the thought of his touch right now. I knew it would have been awkward if I were to shy away from his touch all of the sudden. I needed some time to myself to think, so I sucked it up and continued to hold his hand, reminding myself that it was only temporary.
"Right. I didn't expect you to. I'm sorry, I should have known you wouldn't want to be around for that either. Forgive me. I forgot about your grandfather- I should have known you felt so strongly. Do you want to find something for yourself and meet me back here? I shouldn't be long." His thumb ran circles over the back of my hand, trying to soothe me.
His mentioning of Charlie only had me worrying more. It wasn't just because my grandfather was a human; Jake's pack were technically humans as well as everyone else that I knew on the reservation. Even I'm partially human! He's partially human! The thought of humans as a source of sustenance was sickening to me. I couldn't shake the picture of him feeding off of any of the humans I knew, my mind automatically picturing that somebody being Jake.
"No," I paused for a minute. I can't do this. "I think I'll meet you back at the house," I said as I dropped my hand from his. I couldn't condone what he was doing, but I'd be a hypocrite if I told him I thought lesser of him for doing it. I knew plenty of real vampires. Real in the sense that they weren't like my family in their dietary choices. I was close friends with many real vampires around the world, in fact. They had defended me when I was only a child, it would be ridiculous of me to have any animosity towards them, especially Nahuel. If it hadn't been for him, Aro may very well have gone through with his plans to destroy my family and I only because they didn't know what a hybrid like myself would become with age.
"Okay," he said hesitantly. He reached his hand out and tipped my chin up to meet his eyes. "Nessie, please forgive me. That was very thoughtless of me. It's been quite some time since I've had a real meal, animal blood just doesn't satiate my thirst like I'd like it to. I wasn't thinking clearly."
"It's okay." Actually it is not okay. It is far from okay. How was I so stupid to gloss over this fact weeks ago? "I didn't even take into consideration that this is all still new to you. I'll meet you back at the house." I forced a smile onto my face to make him believe me. I was at the brink of tears at this point, still unable to shake the image of Jake drained and lifeless. The fact that he had used the nickname Jake had thought up for me only made things worse, bringing the painful thoughts of Jake to the forefront of my mind. My heart squeezed tightly in my chest at the thought of Jake, which was more painful than usual given the circumstances.
He smiled back at me and leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek before turning to take off. I huffed out a breath of air when he was out of hearing distance and turned on my heel to take off full speed in the direction of the house. My mind was going a million miles per hour as I mentally kicked myself for being so thoughtless. I need to see Jake. I already knew that I couldn't continue to further my relationship with Nahuel. There was no way it was going to work, not anymore at least. He would be returning to South America soon. Did I really want to be in a long distance relationship just weeks after it had begun? But more importantly, could I really be in love with somebody who killed humans? I already knew the answer to that was a resounding 'no'. I'd grown up around humans my whole life; my grandfather and his wife Sue, my new dearest friend Nichole, as well as Jake's pack- though some would argue that they shouldn't be considered a normal human. If there was one thing I learned during my upbringing, it was to cherish life, not end it, especially for food. I would tell Nahuel the truth later, but first I had to find Jake.
As I sprinted back to the house, I'd come to the realization that my choice of Nahuel over Jake had been the reason he was staying away. It was painfully obvious to me now, and it was embarrassing that I hadn't pieced that information together earlier, or maybe I had and just chose to believe differently. My heart felt like it had become molten lead. Every beat only served to pump fiery agony throughout my body. I knew that if I was feeling terrible, Jake was feeling it twice as much. I knew enough about imprinting to be able to guess at the amount of pain I was causing him; his imprint chose somebody else over him. The only way it could get any worse for him was if I'd died… especially if I didn't get the chance to apologize to him beforehand.
I swallowed the huge lump in my throat before it could suffocate me, I wasn't about to stop to catch my breath because I couldn't control my emotions. How could I ever have done this to Jake? Why the fuck did I never stop to think about any of this? I had to make things right with Jake. Even if I'd screwed everything up between us, he should know how sorry I was to have ever caused him pain. He deserved to know that I was miserable without him, and that he was always in my thoughts. But most importantly, he had to know that I loved him, and that I would never think less of him if he didn't want anything to do with me ever again. As much as I dreaded even considering the possibility of him shunning me, I wouldn't argue; I knew that I deserved it.
After a good fifteen minutes of sprinting, the family house came into view. I relaxed a bit as I saw that Jake's car was still parked outside, although for all I knew he could have been out running around as a wolf. It would have made sense for him to be. I knew him well enough to know that it was easier for him to cope with his emotions as a wolf. I didn't slow down until I came to the threshold of the front door and yelled out in a shaky voice through the doorway, "Jake?"
My family wasn't home yet since most of them had gone out hunting earlier today and the other half had gone into town to shop. Carlisle was of course at the hospital as usual. I knew that my parents would be back from hunting soon, but I still had enough time to do this privately- which was the only bit of relief I had about this whole situation.
The only sound I heard in the house was Jake's heavy footsteps on the floor above me, going from one side and back to the other almost as if he was pacing back and forth. I made my way upstairs and was about to open his door when I froze. I figured I would knock instead; I didn't know how he would receive me, and I knew he had every right to be downright pissed off at me. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
"Yeah?" he called out, his footsteps coming to a stop.
"Jake? It's me. Can I come in, please?" I did my best to not sound like I was on the verge of tears. I don't think I did very well, I was hardly able to hear my own voice over the agonizing pounding of my heart in my ears.
"Yeah, of course, Ness. You don't have to ask, you're always welcome," he answered.
He doesn't sound angry, and he wants to see you, I mentally told myself as a boost of confidence. Actually, you asked to come in, idiot. Oh, right, I remembered and was right back where I started; feeling guilty and regretful, the type of person who coldly breaks people's hearts.
I opened the door with my eyes fixated on the ground, not bothering to lift them after I shut the door. "Jake, can I talk to you? I have to tell you something." Don't you mean need to tell him something? What if he doesn't want to hear it? No, I have to tell him. He must hear it. He has to. My heart spiked with more pain as thoughts of Jake turning me away without a chance to explain bombarded me. I felt my eyes getting watery before I'd even begun to speak.
"Of course," he replied, waiting for me to continue.. "Hey," he spoke in a concerned tone when I didn't meet his eyes, "Are you okay?"
"I'm-," I started, immediately coming to a halt when I looked up from the floor and gasped as I took in his room. It was halfway packed up in boxes. Other than the furniture in the room, the room was barren other than the pile of stuff he was currently packing. "Jake? What's going on? Why are you packing?" My voice cracked on the last word as a heavy feeling of remorse washed over me. Please don't tell me this is because of me. Please.
"I- well- I, um…," he stammered. "I was going to tell you before I left… I would have told you sooner but I just haven't seen you at all recently. I was just… I was going to go back to La Push," he explained hesitantly, slightly sheepish. I felt hollow after hearing his words, the blood drained from my face and pooled in my lead heart, giving it more fuel to pump agony through my body. He began to speak with determination, "I don't want to intrude on your life, Nessie. You're grown up now and capable of living your own life, you don't need me interfering. You're happy… and that's all that matters." He stood awkwardly as he spoke, bringing his hand up to scratch the back of his head.
"No! You can't! No, no, no," I cried as the first set of tears spilled from my eyes. "Please, Jake! I'm sorry! It's my fault- all of it!"
This was it. The worst possible outcome of my actions was coming to fruition in front of my eyes. I was going to have to live with the consequences of my decision, and it was going to damn near kill me when he left. It made me feel even worse about myself that he thought he was leaving for my benefit. I really must have hurt him to make him think that he was an intrusion in my life, like he was some sort of nuisance.
I started bawling then, mournful of the fact that I'd driven him to the point where he thought I no longer wanted him around. I was also disgusted with myself for being so careless of his feelings and neglectful of him in general. He was my best friend, practically family, and I was treating him like shit.
He crossed the room in two large steps and hugged me to his chest as he rubbed his hands in circles across my back. I didn't deserve the comfort, but I was so glad he was still willing to offer it. I wrapped my arms around his waist tightly and held on as tightly as I could. I buried my face in his chest, drenching his shirt with my tears. "Nessie, what's wrong? It's okay. Everything is okay."
"No, Jake, it's not," I got out between sniffles and gasps of breath. "I'm so sorry, Jake. I was wrong. I should have… never pushed… you away. I'm a terrible person," I tried to take a deep breath to stop my stammering and hiccoughing, but it just came out as another pathetic gasp. "Nahuel," I hiccoughed abruptly, "Isn't the one… I want. Please, Jake, don't leave me! I can't even… stand to th- think about you leaving!" I choked out a few more sobs before pleading some more. "Please, Jake! I can't- I couldn't live with myself… if you left because of me." The tears were flowing freely now as I continued to plead in my head, please, Jake. Please. Please. Please.
"Nessie," he let out in a sigh. He dropped his chin to rest on the top of my head. "Of course I'll stay if you ask me to. Please, Ness, calm down, you're starting to worry me." He shook my shoulders lightly, "I'm not going to leave."
The sense of relief from his words was profound, unlike anything imaginable. And it truly was unimaginable; he was going to give me a second chance when I couldn't think of one reason why I deserved it. "I just thought it would be easier for you… and me this way," he mumbled. "I thought you were in love with Nahuel? What do you mean he's not the one you want?"
As relieving as his words were, they managed to make me feel even worse. He wasn't leaving because he was trying to get away from me, he was leaving to try to make it easier for the both of us. I should have known how hard I was making life for him.
"It's you, Jake. It's always been you, I was just- just too stupid to realize it, and too scared to admit it. I never even stopped to think!" I was starting to get hysterical, explaining to him in a voice normally reserved for overly-dramatic movies. "Every time you're not near, I'm thinking of you. Even when I was with him. Every time he kissed me, in the back of my mind I was wishing it was you. Each time he touched me, I pretended his skin was just a few degrees hotter like yours… like it was you touching me instead," I stopped there, realizing exactly what I'd been admitting. Jake had tensed up, the muscles in his chest that I was leaning on went rigid.
When he didn't speak right away I became worried that I'd hurt him too much for him to love me back. He may forgive me and give me a second chance, but it would be pointless if I'd ruined everything between us. I was nearly at my breaking point before I got down on both of my knees to cry and beg for mercy. Why the hell would he give his love to you? So that you can break his heart a second time? You chose someone else over him and all but neglected him in the process, and he's never been anything but good to you. I dared to look up into his eyes as I kept my stranglehold around his waist. My jaw dropped, shocked at what I saw.
I was expecting to see a lot of things when I looked into his eyes; doubt, anger, and hurt. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I saw him smiling down at me and his eyes seemed glossy, almost as if tears were welling up in them. I decided to try begging again. "I'm so sorry for ever hurting you, Jake. You're the one I love. Please tell me you can forgive me. Please tell me I'm not too late."
"Y-you... love me?" he asked in surprise. He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts out of a stupor. I nodded and gave him a small smile while tears still rolled down my face. He leaned back a little and brought his hand around to wipe a tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb. "There's nothing you could ever do that I wouldn't forgive you for, Nessie. Nothing," he said again to emphasize his point. "I love you too, but you already knew that. It would never be too late. I'd wait a hundred years for you, longer than that even, as long as you would love me someday. I just thought this might be what you wanted."
I let out another round of sobs at his words. I was awful to him, and all he cared about was that I loved him. I'd never deserve somebody so good and so selfless. "You're my best friend, Jake, nothing will ever change that. I would never, ever want you to leave, but… I understand if you want to," I hesitated for his response. He shook his head vehemently. "Thank you, Jake. I don't deserve it," I sighed with relief as I buried my face in his shirt again, placing my ear right over the strong thrumming of his heart.
"Anything. Anytime," he whispered. He brought his hand up to my face and stroked my cheek with the back of his forefinger. "You deserve the world, Nessie."
We stood there in each other's arms for a few minutes while Jake slowly swayed us from side to side until my tears ran dry. He then took me by the hand and led me over to his bed, patting the spot next to him. I made no hesitation to sit beside him and lean into his side. He draped his arm across my shoulder and I snaked my arms around his torso in return.
We sat in silence for a moment, enjoying each other's embrace before Jake spoke again, "Nessie?"
"Mmhmm?" I hummed in response.
"Thank you," he whispered, burying his face into the hair on the crown of my head and placing a kiss.
"For what?" I was confused, why is he thanking me?
"For everything: for choosing me, for wanting me, for loving me. You give my life meaning. It was killing me to see you with somebody else, but as long as you were happy, I would gladly stand aside… if that's what you wanted. You didn't choose to be imprinted on, and I would never do anything to take your choice away. I was serious when I said I'd wait a hundred years. I can't even put into words how happy you've made me."
"You've got it all wrong. I should be thanking you. You deserve better than me. I was terrible to you, Jake." I hung my head and spoke sullenly, "I still can't believe what I did. I knew how I felt for you, and I chose him anyways. How can you forgive me so easily? I'm an awful-"
"Stop that," he interrupted. "There have been plenty of times where you forgave me quicker than I deserved: when you found out that I had been in love with Bella, when I wasn't honest with you about imprinting, and every other time I wasn't truthful with you or tried to keep things from you. You never even batted an eyelash, you just forgave me and continued on with your life." His voice was thick with emotion. "Everything you did, none of it matters now. Following your heart doesn't make you an awful person, Nessie. You may love me, but it's possible to love two people at the same time. I've seen it myself… I've lived it. You know this story." He paused for a second and I nodded in confirmation. He was referring to the love triangle that had happened between my father, my mother, and him. "There had to be some connection between you for you to feel that way. It's only natural, Nessie."
"I can't explain it right. I was just so- it's all just so new to me. I couldn't make sense of what I was feeling. It was overwhelming, I didn't know what to do. In the back of my mind I knew I was hurting you… and it was killing me. I felt like crying every time I thought of you, and everything started to remind me of you the longer I was away from you. But on the other hand, the feeling of being in love… it's amazing, I didn't want to make it go away." I squeezed my arms around him a bit tighter to stifle the returning tears, "But I was awful, I knew that all I had to do was just tell you how I felt, but I was too chicken to do it. Instead of following my heart I tried to convince myself that I was happy enough with Nahuel. Then I realized exactly what I was trying to convince myself of; that I was happy enough with Nahuel… but not as happy as I could be." I paused and took a couple deep breaths, not wanting to start crying again. "I've made a real mess of things, Jake. I felt horrible when I realized what I was putting you through. And I knew that you'd feel even worse. I can't even imagine what I would have done if our places were reversed. I'm so sorry you ever had to feel that pain because of me."
"I understand, Nessie. The excitement of being in love… it's exactly how I feel now; the feeling of everything being new and exciting… and it's been what, ten minutes? For the first time in my life I'm truly in love. Before, I'd been in love, but wasn't loved back. Having the feeling returned is overwhelming… powerful. I could never fault you for seeking out that connection." He spoke with such tenderness and adoration that I wanted nothing more than to kiss him in that moment. "I'm sorry I never made my feelings clear to you. I didn't know how you would react, and I didn't want to make our relationship anymore awkward than it was." He removed his arm from my shoulder and brought it down to intertwine our fingers together. The gesture made my heart sing. I left my free arm around him to keep our embrace close. "If I'd have known Nessie, I would have told you sooner. I've been waiting to hear those words since the day you were old enough to speak."
"I love you, Jacob Black," I said fervently. If he had really been waiting that long, then this was far overdue.
"I love you, Renesmee Cullen," he said as he leaned down to place a kiss on my cheek. My heart began to beat wildly in my chest from the proximity of his lips to mine. Just turn your head and kiss him already, my mind suggested. If I hadn't been so surprised by his kiss in the first place I might have been able to react. He offered me a smile as he leaned back, obviously seeing the surprise on my face and hearing my heartbeat accelerate. He stared at me for a moment before his brows furrowed.
"Nessie, can I- I know that typically you don't ask, but I'm not going to do anything you're not ready for…," he paused for a couple seconds. He took a deep breath through his nose and straightened his shoulders. "Can I kiss you, Nessie?" My heart felt like it exploded in my chest at his question. I couldn't speak; I wanted to scream my answer to him but the sudden explosion of my heart had left its remnants lodged in my throat. "You won't hurt my feelings, Ness, I promise. I know it's sudden," he added.
After a few more seconds I raised my palm to his cheek. I stroked his face with my fingers and flattened my palm to his fiery hot cheek. Yes, I told him along with a nod.
"Yes," I whispered once I found my voice. "I'd like that."
He took my face in his large hands and slowly moved in closer before closing his eyes and brushing his lips softly against mine. It felt like the world had stopped turning as soon as our lips made contact, and I couldn't stop the sigh of relief that escaped my lips as soon as they met. His tongue lightly reached out to run along my lower lip, and even though my lips were parted to allow him entrance, he never ventured further. I flicked my tongue out to meet his and swiped across his tongue as it travelled across my lower lip. It was very gentle and very sweet, just like Jake, and the sense of love in such a small action made my heart do flips in my chest. The taste on his lips was a stronger concentration of his already delectable scent, which was intensified by the small bits of his breath which washed across my face.
After a second he leaned back and a huge, victorious smile broke out across his face, seemingly pleased with himself. In the short time our lips touched, my world felt like it had been turned right side up, almost as if I'd been living my life upside down up until the moment we connected. I never knew that a kiss could spark an epiphany, but this one did. I had been living a lie; I had been head over heels for this man my entire life and was only now realizing just how warped I was for him. His ability to convey his love and forgiveness through such a simple gesture left me reeling.
Jake's tongue traced the area where mine had briefly run along his upper lip. It filled me with a smug sense of pride knowing that I apparently tasted good to him too. His smile returned to his face and he licked his lips again, having heard my thoughts from forgetting to remove my palm from his cheek.
"Oh my God… how embarrassing," I groaned and buried my face into his shoulder, being sure to remove my hand from his cheek before I let something else slip.
"There's nothing embarrassing about that," he brought his hand under my chin and tipped it up to make eye contact with him. He had love in his eyes and an amused look on his face. "I was always under the impression that nothing on Earth could be sweeter than the smell of you. I should have known you would taste even better, I just never thought that would be possible," he said lovingly, caressing my cheek with the back of his forefinger. I blushed cherry red, my cheeks probably warming to the same temperature as him. "I love that you think I taste and smell so good. That's a nice change from what the rest of your family thinks," he joked.
He moved in for another kiss when we heard Nahuel's footsteps approaching the house. I would have assumed it was one of my family members except that the steps were accompanied by a heartbeat. We both sighed at the same time, causing us to both laugh. It felt so good to laugh with him after such a serious conversation, the easygoing familiarity between us having been restored.
"I should go and deal with that," I said as I reluctantly peeled myself away from Jake and stood up, but never dropped his hand. My body was screaming in protest, not willing to separate from his loving embrace. This was something I wasn't looking forward to doing, nor really ready to do quite yet, but I knew I needed to. It wouldn't be fair to lie to Nahuel about how I truly felt. I took a deep breath, reveling in the feel of Jake's touch. It gave me the boost of confidence I needed. "Can we talk more later?"
"Sure, sure." I grinned at the use of his overused but typical acknowledgement. "I guess I should start getting unpacked then, huh?" He scratched the back of his head while looking at the packed boxes, probably guessing where to start first.
"I hope so," I said with a smile and made my way towards the door. "Oh, and Jake?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you," I said wholeheartedly. The act of uttering those words gave me boundless joy. It was liberating to be able to say it and truly mean it without feeling self-conscious or unsure about how it would be received. "Thank you."
He just shook his head at me and crossed the room, taking my face in his hands again. He brought his face just inches from mine and we shared another short but passionate kiss. "You're everything to me." His hot, sweet breath wafted across my face as he pulled away from the kiss. I was sure that he purposely spoke so closely so that I had no choice but to smell him again. I couldn't help but blush. I stood corrected, that was the boost of confidence I needed.
JPOV
I worked on unpacking my room during the time that Nessie was off talking to Nahuel and her family. I replayed the scene of her telling me she loved me over and over, followed by our kiss. Her lips were smooth as satin and tasted as if they were coated in honey. The sigh she let out upon our lips meeting only amplified the taste and I inhaled it greedily. I'd never felt so complete in my life. I thought that the act of imprinting was powerful, but when our lips touched for the first time it felt like imprinting all over again. The person I'd been destined for- this beautiful and wonderful woman that I would gladly die for- was giving her love to me. The sense of completion that simple kiss brought on was nothing short of stunning, like I was finally fulfilling the purpose I was put on this Earth for. Thinking of our kiss had me thinking back over the past few weeks and everything building up to this moment in time.
I knew that I loved Nessie since the day she was born, but it developed into a different kind of love when she reached full maturity. One day she was just the sweet little girl I would protect with my life, and the next day she was the woman I wanted to earn and deserve the love from, who I would still protect with my life. Our relationship was strong, but strange at best. I always hoped that we would reach this point someday in the future, but a voice in the back of my mind always told me the chances were slim. I was a shape-shifting werewolf, she was a half vampire- could it really ever work?
It was for that reason, among a few others, that when she began her relationship with Nahuel I kept my mouth shut and didn't tell her how I felt. There was no use in arguing that they weren't good for each other. He made her happy, and they connected on a level she would never be able to reciprocate with anyone else. As long as she was happy, I would be waiting in the wings, as Edward had once put it. I could at least still be friends with her. I would have fought for her exactly like I'd fought Edward for Bella, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. If Nahuel was the one who she chose, and if he made her happy- I couldn't take that happiness away from her. I made a promise to myself when she was younger that I would never do anything to jeopardize her ability to have a choice. I would never try to force myself into her life that way. Instead, I would do everything in my power to have her want to choose me, not make her. She deserved happiness, even if it wasn't with me. I would be that self-sacrificing if she wanted me to be, I would be anything she needs me to be.
I thought that our friendship would continue as normal, only now her life would include Nahuel. I did my best to not show any animosity towards him, though I'm not sure how well I did in succeeding. I knew that things were changing between us, for the worst for me, when I began to see her less and less as each day passed that they spent together. I was at least lucky enough to see her every day in the beginning, and each time I did, the building pressure from anxiety in my chest would disappear. After the first week, it would sometimes be a day or two before I saw her, and as more time passed, the time between when I saw her became longer. The minutes began to feel like hours, the hours began to feel like days, and every passing second was a painful reminder of the choice she made.
It was a living hell to see her with somebody else. I'd experienced a life changing phenomenon the moment I laid my eyes on her, and in that instant she became the center of my universe. Her smile was like my morning sunrise. Her beauty like the rays of the sun- it was life-giving, and it warmed and saturated everything it touched. I yearned to see her, to be near her, if nothing else than to just marvel at her. I wanted to make her smile and hear the lovely tone of her voice when she was happy. Her laughter was musical and enthralling, it was the sound I cherished most in my life other than her heartbeat. Just to be able to hear the beat of her heart was enough to temporarily relieve the pain. No matter how devastated I was over her choice, as long as her heart still beat it meant she was still alive, and nothing would ever be more important than that. Even if she somehow grew to resent me and wanted nothing to do with me, I would take comfort in the fact that she was still around, bringing joy to everyone around her.
I could hardly be around any of the Cullens anymore. Edward couldn't stand to be near me unless Bella was nearby to shield my mind from him. Jasper made it a point to avoid me altogether. Emmett tried to cheer me up with pointless conversations and jokes for a while until he complained that my mood was starting to become contagious. I couldn't really blame any of them because if I could avoid the despair I felt I would by any means necessary. Bella tried her best to comfort me and offer her support, but she had to have known it was useless. She apologized on her daughter's behalf, saying she was disappointed in her for neglecting everyone. Apparently, she wasn't spending much time around her family either. Regardless of how bad some of the Cullens felt for me, they were happy for her nonetheless.
Esme supplied me with the only encouraging words I'd heard from any of the Cullens, "I'm so sorry, Jake. Give her time, and she will realize what she's missing. I know that it may be hard to believe, but I am confident that it will all work out… call it a mother's intuition. Everything you have to put up with and go through, it's just going to make you appreciate it that much more once it's yours. You were made for each other, anyone can see that. You've got to have hope, Jacob."
Esme had become a mother to me over the past years I'd lived with the Cullens. She'd even taken to calling me 'son' every now and then. There was just something about her natural maternal instincts that reminded me so much of my own mother. And somehow she always knew what to say to get through to me. Sadly enough, at one point where I didn't think I could handle the pain any longer, she coddled me like a child. She held my head to her shoulder and patted my back, whispering words of encouragement while I cried. As pathetic as it was, it was comforting enough to alleviate a little of the pain and help make it through another day. I forced myself to take her words to heart; if she truly believed that fate would bring us together, then the least I could do was believe her. If I didn't have hope, what possible reason would others have to?
It was sometime after the third week into their relationship that I began turning over the thought in my mind of moving back to La Push. I hadn't slept for three days other than brief naps from complete exhaustion. It was when I'd woken up on the toilet, totally unaware of exactly how long I'd passed out, that I'd decided I couldn't take it anymore. I knew it would kill me to leave her, to not be able to see her even as briefly as I did now. I knew Nahuel was leaving within a few days, but could I really live through her telling me she was leaving with him? No, I couldn't. I would tell her of course, but not until I was ready to go. I told Bella, who seemed concerned for my well-being, and rightfully so. She had an idea of the torture I was capable of putting myself through; she'd experienced it firsthand when I'd disappeared for months to live as a wolf when she'd officially chosen Edward over me. And back then I hadn't even imprinted yet, not even I knew what drastic measures I would take this time around.
A quiet knock at the door dragged me back from my reverie, which I couldn't be more thankful for. It was painful even thinking about what had transpired over the past weeks.
"Jacob?" Bella called out quietly.
"In here, Bells."
She poked her head in and offered me a small smile before walking in and closing the door behind her. "Have you seen Renesmee?" She had a confused look on her face as she looked around the room. "You're not packing up?"
"She'll be back soon. I was," I told her, unable to keep the smile from my face when I emphasized the past tense.
"You seem happier. Did you change your mind?"
"I didn't, not technically anyways. Your daughter did." I smiled again as I thought about her, thinking about her telling me she loved me over and over again in my mind.
"You two spoke?" The confused look on her face still hadn't fully subsided yet.
"You could say that, although you might want to talk to her first. I don't know if I should be the one to tell you, and I think she'll want to talk to you about what happen," I informed her.
"Is everything okay? Did something bad happen?"
"I'm fine, Bells. Nothing bad happened. Well, depending on how you see it. I'm still not sure on exactly what happened, other than what she told me. I think she's going to want to talk to you about it."
"I'm so happy to see you smile again, Jacob," she said as she approached me. She threw her arms open for a hug and I picked her up in a bear hug.
"It feels good to smile again. I wasn't sure I'd remembered how to." I squeezed her tight and felt relatively weak against the resilience of her hardened skin. Even after all these years it was still strange to me anytime I touched her. I expected to feel her human warmth and smell her human scent, and then watch her trip over her own feet. She was now cold, hard, and surprisingly graceful- and even though I'd gotten used to the scent of vampires, she still smelled almost sickly sweet.
"Can't… breathe… Jake!" She huffed out.
"You don't need to breathe Bella, remember?" I laughed as I put her back down. The vampire who forgot she was a vampire. It was typical Bella.
"Hmm, you're right. It's probably best to remember that when I'm around you anyways, with the stink and all," she teased as she crinkled her nose.
"Oh don't even go there, Bells. Your stench puts the rest of the Cullens to shame," I chuckled.
"Hey!" she scoffed.
"What? You brought it up! I can't help it if you-" I stopped as Edward walked in behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder as he began to speak, effectively cutting me off.
"Jacob, it's poor manners to insult a lady, especially when you're a guest in her house," he said in a matter-of-fact tone. "Though I will agree with you, she certainly does have quite a fragrance." He turned his head to the side into the crook of her neck and ran his nose along her throat as he inhaled.
"That's it! I'm not sticking around to have people discuss how I smell," she huffed. She managed to get through her sentence without cracking a smile, which looked like she was struggling to fight off the urge to. "I'm glad you're staying Jake. It wouldn't be the same without you around," she said in a much more serious tone before she turned to leave.
"As am I, Jacob," Edward echoed her. "It's good to see you in a better frame of mind."
"Thanks. Umm, yeah," I said, embarrassed. "I'm real sorry for acting like that," I mumbled, embarrassed at my behavior as of late, even though I never really made a conscious effort to act that way. I wasn't purposely trying to torture you.
"No need to apologize, Jacob. I saw what you were going through and I saw through Jasper what you were feeling. I mean it when I say I understand what that was like for you." He tapped his forehead with his finger, not that I needed the reminder. He glanced towards the window and stared out it thoughtfully for a moment before speaking again, "Nahuel is taking it a lot better than I expected. They're on their way back now. I haven't seen Renesmee so happy in quite some time." His eyes traveled from the window back to me, "Don't worry, I won't speak a word to Bella until Renesmee gets her chance to explain."
"Thanks."
"She's very disappointed in herself; she's blaming herself for making you want to leave. Try not to be too hard on her," he added as he made his way towards the door.
I don't think I could if I wanted to.
"We're all glad you've decided to stay, Jacob. We would hate to lose any of our family. It really wouldn't be the same here without you." He gave me a small nod before closing the door.
After Edward exited my room, I went back to unpacking the rest of my boxes. Even though I remembered exactly where everything was supposed to go, most of it simply wouldn't fit when I tried to put it back in its original spot. I went ahead and re-arranged my room a bit to accommodate. I could hear the muted conversation between Edward, Bella, and Renesmee on the third floor in her bedroom, but made it a point not to eavesdrop. I was surprised to hear Nahuel join in at some point.
My heart stuttered when the sound of footsteps coming downstairs hit my ears. I had a feeling it was Nessie because vampires moved too quietly to hear without straining yourself trying to hear them. Once the footsteps reached the bottom of the steps and began their way down the hall, my heart began beating in double time. I quickly grabbed a pile of shirts from the nearest box and made my way over to the closet next to the door. I wanted to make it look like I was actually doing something, rather than sitting around waiting for her return, even though that was exactly what I was doing. Plus, the closet was near the door- it would just be that much sooner I could hold her again.
Two knocks at my door followed by an unsure, "Jake?" announced her arrival as she opened the door. A sad smile crossed her face as she mumbled, "Hi." It was hardly audible, even from just a few feet away, regardless of my supernatural hearing.
"Hey," I breathed. I didn't even notice I was holding my breath until I spoke. Her eyes were fixed on the floor at her feet. "Are you okay, Ness?" I closed the gap between us and bent down slightly to take her hand in mine. I had seen that look on her face before, and I knew from experience that she was going to insist on saying whatever was on her mind. I could tell just by her posture that whatever she was thinking about was really bothering her, and it had me worrying already.
"I'm alright. I just wasn't really ready for all of that. I'm just happy it's over," she let out a deep breath in a huff and pushed the hair that fell across her face back as she looked up to my eyes. "I wanted to talk to you about something, Jake, well, I wanted to ask you something. But first… I have something I need to say." She squeezed my hand a bit and began to lead me over to the bed. She took a seat and patted the spot next to her, mirroring my movements from earlier. I took my spot next to her and draped my arm around her shoulders, using my free hand to link our fingers together again. "I asked my parents to tell me what was going on when I wasn't around. I..," she said hesitantly before taking another deep breath. "I needed to know. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about what I put you through."
"Ness-," I blurted out.
"No, Jake. Please… let me get this all out," she interrupted. Just as I predicted, she was going to say what was bugging her, no matter how much I protested. She let out a sigh and continued. "My mom told me how you couldn't sleep, that you would just collapse from exhaustion wherever you were. She said my dad couldn't be around you unless she shielded your thoughts. He wouldn't give me details no matter how much I begged." The tears that had begun pooling in her eyes started to spill over. "She mentioned that you couldn't even eat. Jake, I've never seen you turn down a meal." She really put some emphasis into that last sentence, as if her guilt stemmed from my lack of appetite. "You weren't taking care of yourself Jake. I know it wasn't by choice, but it was because of me. It's all my fault." She began bawling, unable to get out any words because of the violent shudders that wracked her body, causing her to gasp for breath.
She was in total hysterics worrying about me, and it was making my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. I couldn't understand why she was so distraught over my behavior, which was exactly just that, my behavior. None of this was her fault, not directly anyways. She fell in love with somebody else, how is it her fault that I couldn't handle it?
I turned my body and hugged her fiercely. She buried her face into the crook of my neck and continued to sob as I rubbed her back. With my other hand I pushed her hair out of her face and then began to run my fingers through her silky copper locks. "Shh, Nessie. It's okay now. It doesn't matter anymore. I hate seeing you so sad you sweet, beautiful girl. I just want you to be happy, please don't cry anymore. It was not your fault." I was crying right along with her now, it hurt too damn much to see her like this. We sat there for a moment, holding each other and sulking together. "Come on, Ness. This is killing me to see you like this. No more tears… for me? I'll eat a whole damn cow, tongue and all if it will make you feel better."
She cry-laughed as she pulled her head back to look at me, "Sh- Shut up!" she finally got out between gasps and playfully smacked my arm. "I'm serious, Jake. I knew I wa- was your imprint… I had an idea of what it would d-d-do to you," she stuttered. "But I did it anyway. I was selfish. I don't know… how I can ma- make it up to you," she forced a deep breath through her nose to squelch the shudders of her sobbing and regain her composure. "But I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying." She wore a small, sad smile, but the tone of her voice was dead serious. I didn't like the way she sounded when she said that, I didn't want her to feel like she owed me anything.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to make anything up to me, Nessie. Your love and happiness is all I'll ever want from you. Will you promise me something?" I stared directly into her eyes, trying to convey my sincerity.
"Anything, Jake," she whispered in earnest.
"You just allow me to be a part of your life and let me love you. Let me spend time with you and make you happy, and you'll have made it up to me, okay?" I was really hoping she wouldn't keep beating herself up over this. I needed her to know that her love was more than I could ask for, and all I'd ever want from her. "You did not do anything wrong, Ness. Everything I was going through was not your fault," I spoke each word slowly and with emphasis. "You didn't ask to be my imprint. You weren't selfish; it doesn't make you selfish because you have a choice. Please," I begged sincerely, "Please… believe me when I say that. I'd never hold that against you. Just promise me you'll let go of this… guilt you feel, promise me we'll just start over like nothing happened. I can't stand to see you like this, especially because of me. You can keep beating yourself up over it if you want and never forgive yourself, but I need you to know that I have forgiven you. I love you, Nessie, with all my heart, and none of that matters to me now. Would you promise me that?"
"But Jake, I'm glad you imprinted on me. I wish I could do the same to you. I don't want a choice, Jake. I hope you know that. All I want is you. I love you, Jake, with everything I am." She reached a hand up to cup my face with her palm, lightly stroking my cheek with her fingers. I closed my eyes and leaned into the warmth of her touch.
"You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that," I mumbled, turning my head to kiss her palm. "Just promise me?" I asked again.
"If that's all you really want from me, then of course. I promise."
"Thank you. All I need is your love and your time, if you'll share them with me. And if and when you do spend time with me, I'm going to make sure you never regret choosing me. I'll be your best friend and your lover- errr boyfriend- or umm… whatever you want me to be or whatever you want to call me," I stammered, trying to find the right words. What exactly do I call myself when we've only just admitted our love to each other? "I want to see you laugh and smile and show you just how special you are to me. I just want you to know that I'll never take you for granted. Your love is a very precious gift to me, something I'll always cherish. I love you, Nessie."
I brought my hands up to cup her face and leaned in to kiss her, closing my eyes as our lips brushed together. She sighed into the kiss and her tongue ran along my lower lip before opening her mouth to me. I ran my tongue across her lower lip in return. She tasted absolutely divine, and I had to have more. I reached my tongue out further into her mouth and came into contact with her tongue. They began dancing with each other as we explored one another's mouth and I moaned at the feeling of it.
She pulled away from the kiss, only to kiss the tip of my nose before I opened my eyes to look at her. She was inches from my face, gazing deep into my eyes. "I think lover is a good word for what you are," she quipped, leaning in to peck me on the lips. "But I think mate would be perfect," she whispered dearly, leaning in for another kiss. "Isn't that what my family calls their significant other? They'll never love anyone else, and neither will I. I'll never love anyone like you, Jake. We're mates."
I was so taken aback by her words. There were no other words on this Earth, in any language, that I wanted to hear more. My body failed to produce sounds so that I could tell her how beautiful that was and how elated I was to hear that she thought of me like that. I sat there dumbfounded for a moment while she looked at me expectantly, awaiting some sort of reply. I never thought it was possible to actually be speechless, like it was something only fictional characters were capable of. She finally just smiled at me when I shook my head slightly, trying to let her know how touched I was.
"I understand," she snickered. "Sometimes you leave me a little speechless too." She leaned forward to kiss my closed lips until my brain responded and parted them.
Her soft, warm tongue slid inside my mouth and nudged against mine, massaging it and leaving behind her candy-like, scrumptious taste. The nerve endings on my tongue were screaming with satisfaction, and the taste of her made my taste buds feel like they were on fire. I took her plump bottom lip between my teeth gently before pulling back a few inches for us to catch our breath. We stared at each other in wonder, each breath she exhaled I would inhale, and she mimicked my actions, feeling high off the love we radiated.
"There was something you wanted to ask me?" I asked reluctantly and dropped my hands from her face as she did the same. To be honest I'd much rather spend the rest of the night kissing and holding her.
She sighed and nodded her head, "My parents and I were talking earlier this week about college. I've always wanted to go, I don't really know why I haven't yet."
My heartbeat must have started beating erratically because she put her hand back up to my face and looked me straight in the eye before she spoke, "Jake, I'm not going anywhere without you. Not if I can help it." I sighed in relief before she continued, "It would be a little hypocritical to beg you to stay just to go somewhere without you. That's what I wanted to ask you. I wanted to know if you'll come with me. I can't imagine going by myself, and I'm not going anywhere too prestigious that you couldn't go too. I don't need a degree from Harvard or Princeton… yet, maybe someday in the future. I kind of decided on Alaska. It's a good location for hunting, the Denali's are nearby, and it's ideal weather if any of my family comes to visit. I realize that there's not going to be a whole lot there for me to study that I haven't already learned. But for now it would be a good way to begin starting over. I know that those aren't normally things you take into consideration when picking a college to attend but I needed some excuse… and all I want is just to experience life outside all of this for a change." She motioned to her surroundings for emphasis.
"Outside of my room?" I teased. I was happy beyond words that she had asked me to join her.
"Oh come on, Jake! Do you want to go with me or not?" She stood up and put her hands on her hips while looking sternly at me. I nearly laughed at how cliché she looked.
"Do you even have to ask? Yes, Nessie. I'd follow you anywhere." I stood up and opened my arms for a hug. She let out a little squeal of delight before jumping into my embrace. I was tall enough to have her feet dangle off the floor when I picked her up to hug her. I hoisted her up higher so we were face to face, wrapping my arms around her waist and pressing her against me to hold her up. "I'd probably follow you even if you didn't ask me."
"Thank you, Jake!" She planted a kiss on my lips, followed by a kiss in between each word after that. "Thank you," a kiss on my cheek, "thank you," a kiss on the other cheek, "thank you!" another kiss on the lips. "I'm going to go tell my parents. They already own property up there that we can use. We just have to furnish it once we get there."
"Are you telling me I have to pack my things up… again?" I set her back down and folded my arms across my chest, feigning annoyance.
"Ah, crap. I didn't even think about that," she mumbled, pausing for a second. She smirked at me and nodded, "Yep. That's exactly what I'm telling you. Would you like some help?" She jeered in a voice you would use to talk to a beloved pet or baby.
"Sure, if you're offering." I ignored the jibe and accepted the offer if it meant I got to spend more time with her.
"Okay. I'll be right back," she said as she stood on the tips of her toes and craned her neck to kiss me. I chuckled lightly and bent down to meet her, her neck relaxed and her feet planted back on the floor. I pressed myself against her small frame, loving the way she fit so snugly into me like two corresponding puzzle pieces. After a few incredible seconds she ended the kiss and turned for the door. As she reached for the handle she came to an abrupt stop and spun on her heel, "Oh! I forgot. I have a surprise for you before we leave."
"Hmm, a surprise? Can I get a hint?" I brought my finger up to my chin, pretending to be deep in thought.
"Umm, well, I don't think I'd be able to give any without giving it away… but I know you'll love it. I really love it too. It will definitely remind you of home," she promised with an excited tone. "It's technically two surprises," she paused for a second and looked away from me like she had just given too many details away. I still had no idea. "Okay, get packing!"
A few minutes after she'd left there was another knock on the door.
"Jacob?" Edward called.
"Present," I snickered.
He stepped into the room and closed the door quietly behind him, which immediately alarmed me to the fact that he wanted to speak to me privately. "I suppose I should have given you warning to hold off on unpacking. My apologies, Jacob," he apologized.
What's on your mind, mind reader?
He chuckled at my internal question, something I'd frequently say in my head when situations like this would come up. "I wanted to wish you the best of luck on your departure to college with Renesmee. I know that it is something you have also been looking forward to doing as well. I'd also like to say how impressed I am with you, Jacob. Your patience and understanding are admirable and I am glad to see that neither have gone unrewarded. They are two traits that are truly worth envying. I'm glad to see you and my daughter happy together. It is long overdue in my eyes. You'll always have a place here with our family. Regardless of our differences, you've been nothing but extremely selfless and generous towards my family. I am honored to see you take your rightful place alongside my daughter," he said sincerely. I was stunned for a moment; I wasn't used to being complimented by any of the Cullens, least of all Edward- especially in regards to my love for his only daughter. It probably had something to do with the fact that I'd been head over heels for his daughter since she was a baby.
He let out a throaty chuckle, breaking me from my thoughts. "Yes, that might have something to do with it. That's also the reason for my visit. If you have a moment, I'd like to have a word with you about you two moving out together."
Ah, shit.
That wasn't too long, was it? Hope not cause that's what most of these other chapters look like too. I'll have the next one up as soon as I get some free time from work. I'll be in Europe from the 22-29th of October so I'll do my best to update before I go, and hopefully get some wi-fi there to update there as well.
Hope you enjoyed it!
Kaputt