Reid's Talk
A/N: Hey guys, slight AU for this one: Maeve is with Reid but she doesn't have a stalker. I thought this would be a really fun story to see. ENJOY R&R PLZ!
Spencer Reid had been standing the Quantico bathrooms for nearly an hour; Maeve called and told him she'd finally gotten a day off from her lab so she wanted to have dinner the next day, perhaps come over to his place afterwards. Spencer managed to maintain himself long enough to say yes and fix a time before his nerves hit causing him to flee the bullpen bringing him to where he was. He could count on one hand the amount of dates he'd actually been on and fewer still were the ones he would consider successful. Nothing in his IQ of 187 lent itself well to the world of social and romantic interactions with the opposite sex. He was a socially awkward, introverted genius with poor communication skills. It was only through the team that he learned how to become more conversational but even then Emily had once told him it wasn't working. That's when it hit him…his team! That's who he needed but who was he going to talk to? He could go to JJ, Alex, and Garcia, they were the motherly/sisterly female figures in his life. But he was pretty certain that they would tell him to be himself and Maeve would love him no matter what, which was fine but that wasn't his problem. He didn't understand the practical side of courtship, what to do, what not to do. Society dictated that it was supposed to be normally the dominant male figures in his life that were meant to teach him and well his father left him when he was too young to really be interested enough to ask about girls so that left the only alpha males that Reid felt comfortable with. Spencer swallowed while staring at his reflection, how much did he really want help? His phone went off with a text from Maeve – really excited about tomorrow, can't wait to see you ;) - oh he really needed help. He gathered up his courage and left the bathroom, focusing on getting to Hotch's office before his own mind could stop him. Finally reaching the Unit Chief's door he saw Dave and Derek already inside, it would be perfect opportunity to ask them. Before he could really think about what he was doing, he rapped a knuckle against the door. "Hey."
"Hey Pretty Boy," Derek greeted. "What's up?"
"I…um…I wanted – needed actually – to ask – talk to you guys about something…" Reid shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's personal."
"Sure," Dave shrugged.
"Why don't you take a seat Reid?" Hotch gestured to couch, noticing the young man's discomfort.
Spencer nodded, "Thanks." He shut the door firmly behind him and sat down, his nervousness plain for them to see, the other three shared raised eyebrows before pulling chairs over to sit in front of him.
"So what's going on man?" Derek tried to be casual to put his friend at ease.
"It's about," Reid looked at each one before dropping his gaze to his knees. "Maeve."
"Is something wrong between you two?" Dave inquired.
"No," Reid kept on staring his knees. "She has a day off and wants to have dinner tomorrow…with me…like a date…a real one."
Rossi decided to be the one to go there, "A real one as in…"
"As in there is possibility for intercourse," that sent the other three twisting in their seats, not quite sure how they ended up in this situation. Reid pinched the bridge of nose, unable to face any of them, "I'm not a virgin but my experience is limited. My dad left before I came of age and I never really talked about it with my mom. Everything I know comes from books, which has quickly become clear isn't really enough to teach a person how to…perform. But beyond that, I don't date. I don't know what to say, what to do, how to act. You three are the only ones that could help me."
Hotch, Rossi, and Derek stared at each other for a while. "We have to the help the kid out," Dave said finally.
"The dating part isn't so bad," Derek reasoned.
"I knew I'd be giving The Talk soon, just not this soon," Hotch pulled off his suit jacket and loosened his tie. "What do you want to know Reid?"
"Pretty much everything," Reid answered bluntly.
"Alright for your date, the first thing you want to do is dress comfortably but stylishly," Derek began. "You need to be relaxed but at the same time, looking good will help boost your confidence."
"Good point," Dave jumped in. "Which leads into the setting, where you are going to have the date. Pick somewhere that you won't feel under pressure."
"I told to her to pick her favourite restaurant," Reid told them.
"See that's good," Rossi encouraged. "You're taking into account what she likes. My tip to you is to reserve a private booth or check out the layout restaurant to find a place that provides some level privacy. With crowded areas it's easy to get distracted by others and that could make you feel like you have to compete with the other couples there. Plus it gives the illusion that it's just you two, making it more intimate and romantic."
"I understand the psychology behind this," Reid nodded. "Should I buy her something? This being our first proper date and all?"
"Most men do," Hotch admitted. "But whatever you do, unless you're picking her up make sure it's small. The last thing you need is an overlarge bouquet of flowers taking up table space and making interacting awkward, I speak from experience."
"Hailey or Beth?" Dave looked at his old friend.
"Would believe me if I said both?" Aaron snorted as the other three laughed.
"What about conversation? You know that isn't my best area."
"Right for that it's all about balance," Derek instructed. "She's a smart girl, I'm sure she'll be able to keep up with you intellectually but try not to go off by yourself. Talk about things that you both can contribute to the conversation. You can still talk about your days or tell little stories from work, ordinary stuff like that but don't let it become one-sided. Having both people engaged keeps the energy going."
"And another thing," Rossi added. "Compliments should be spaced out. A good trick is start simple and basic like 'you look great' at the beginning of date and through the course of evening slip in more specific things like if she turns her head say 'oh I didn't see those earrings properly before, they're really nice' or at the end when she's putting on her coat, 'did I mention your dress is beautiful'."
"I've gotta remember to use that one," Derek commented.
"Also," Hotch took over. "Alcohol is probably not going to be your friend here. Some people say it will calm you down but it also impairs your control and you need to be conscious about your behaviour until you adapt to this type of environment."
"A-ah-alright then what about…sex," Reid gulped.
"I see we've gotten to the fun part of the program," Rossi said dryly.
"Uh boy," Derek rubbed his head. "At least he ain't a virgin, imagine if we had to take him through that."
"Are you sure you're not concerned about anything else regarding the date Reid?" Hotch came as close as Aaron Hotchner could to begging.
"No that part I got," Spencer assured the unit chief much to said chief's hidden dismay.
Derek took the plunge first, "Okay Reid so you know the mechanics now it's all about technique. First things first, the most important weapons a man has are these," he held up his hands, "and these," he tapped his ears.
Reid's brow furrowed, "Really? I would imagine that the most important part is -"
"That too," Derek cut him off. "But your hands and your ears are going to help you find your cues. Listen to the sounds she makes in conjunction with the feel of her muscles. This will tell you whether or not she likes what you're doing. Girls do tense up even if they are enjoying themselves, so make sure she relaxes, it will feel a lot better for her."
"A lot of it is instinct," Hotch put in. "Go with what your body is telling you but if she doesn't like it don't push her. A 'no' is a 'no' period." Reid nodded his acknowledgement of that.
"Plus don't try to get too kama-sutra-ish," Dave made a face, trying not to visualise any of this. "Keep it simple until you learn what you both like. Besides, a few positions done well will always beat constantly moving around, killing the vibe so to speak."
"What if I find myself…ahem…finishing I guess is the best word, before her," Reid went beet red and suddenly became very interested in the ceiling.
"Alright who's going to admit to having been in that situation?" Derek snickered.
"You were never a teenager Morgan?" Hotch glared.
"Thank you for volunteering Aaron," Dave laughed.
Hotch took a breath, "Fine. Reid you'll know if you're going to…that… and the old standby is to imagine something disgusting to distract your mind. But if all else fails, one sharp pinch should help. It will divert your attention away the…sensations…and you'll be able to hold it together for longer."
"Sensations?" Dave raised an eyebrow. "How very romance novel."
"And you know this how?" Aaron shot back.
"I'm a writer after all," Rossi smirked.
"Anything else?" Reid checked.
"I trust you know about protection?" Hotch asked, his face practically showing the crossed fingers in his mind.
"Yes sir," Reid squeaked just a bit.
"But Reid if you're not comfortable doing it than you have to tell Maeve that," Derek insisted. "You're allowed to say no too."
"I know," Spencer nodded.
"Then I think we're done here," Rossi concluded standing up.
"Yeah," the others got to their feet too. They tried to figure out something to say but all of them ended walking out, heads down, wordlessly, they just wanted to get out of that office and not return (Hotch took an extra-long coffee break).
Two days later…
Reid walked into the bullpen and saw Hotch, Dave, and Derek were all in the unit chief's office again. He jogged up the stairs and knocked the door. The first words out of Dave's mouth were, "Oh please no…"
"Don't worry," Reid chuckled. "I wanted to tell you guys that the date was fantastic…everything was fantastic."
"Our little genius is man," Derek moved to clap Reid's shoulder.
"And I wanted to thank you for doing that for me," Reid sighed. "It was awkward but I'm glad I could come to you and that you were willing to help me out."
"Anytime Reid," Hotch assured him.
"Yeah just don't make a habit of it," Dave quipped earning a folder whack from Hotch.
"All the same, thank you," Reid said gratefully. Still after a silent moment he added, "Let's never mention this again."
"AGREED!"