Why do I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin?
You feel that way because you're falling in love.
Katie's still talking about something equally sappy, but he's not heard a word of it. That sentence is haunting him.
You feel that way because you're falling in love.
Falling in love.
LOVE
Is that what that was… the way his heart fluttered whenever Luke walked into a room? The way he couldn't manage to have a coherent thought whenever Luke kissed him back? Making him drop his carefully built guard and babble like an idiot? Making him want to wring Noah's neck for hurting Luke the way he did even if it did put an end to his career? This horrible thing, trying desperately to tear his insides apart, making it hard to breathe, making him want to cry, making him putty in Luke's hand whenever he wants him no matter how many times Luke explains that this would go nowhere and he was in love with Noah? He would never make another comment about how Luke always went back to Noah no matter how badly he'd been treated. He understood now. Was this really love? It didn't matter now did it? Luke broke up with him. Whatever this had been, Luke had ended it.
You are such a coward.
His brain had been replaying this conversation so many times that even if he didn't have a photographic memory he'd probably have this memorized.
You are such a coward.
He'd been on the phone when he saw Bob saying something to Luke. He didn't think anything of it until he saw the confused look melt away and Luke was storming off. He got off the phone as quickly as possible and chased after Luke.
You are such a coward.
He'd known in that moment that Bob had said something to Luke about the ultimatum that Bob had given him. He hadn't given Bob an answer because for the first time in his life he'd been confused about a move involving his career. This was a dream gig, for sure. But after months of struggling with his attraction, he'd finally given himself permission to go after what he wanted. This, of course proved that Karma was indeed a bitch, as Luke struggled between his attraction to Reid and his long running love for Noah. Reid had been about to admit defeat, something he did not do easily but passionate kisses followed by a guilty looking Luke reminding him he was in love with Noah was something he just could not live with. Hell if it hadn't been for his damn work ethic, and that hospital wing that was going to be his crowning glory he'd have been on the first plane to anywhere but here after the first time Luke had pulled that on him.
But then, finally, some higher power, which may he note he had not believed in until Luke, decided he'd been strung along enough and ended his suffering. Luke had decided to take a chance on him. Then that fateful day, meeting with Mona Cross, who was he'd swear was flirting with him. He'd been nervous to hear that Noah had been invited to this meeting and relieved to hear that Noah couldn't make it. But then Noah was there, spewing generic half praises that he and apparently Luke given the look on his face could see right through but Mona seemed to accept them at face value which was all that mattered. He'd finally relaxed thinking maybe they could get through this uneventfully but then Noah's fist came at him unexpectedly and he was on his butt.
He remembered Luke taking him to the hospital where he made sure his nose was not broken, then the joke about being a male model and a comment about Noah's right hook. Then Luke saying something about Noah owning a gun and knowing how to use it, then the slip he made to how deep his feelings really were.
Oh fantastic. I just happened to fall for a guy whose ex can pulverize me
Fall for? Where the hell had that come from. Then Luke looked at him making a comment about liking them tough.
You're pretty tough yourself. You kidnapped me, threatened me. What are you gonna do with me now?
Boy was that a loaded question. But as it left his mouth, his mind filled with all the very dirty things Luke could do with him. There weren't a lot of things that made him nervous but waiting for this was definitely one of them.
I thought you said you didn't want to have anything to do with me.
When you said that you and Noah were through –
We are. Look, Reid, what do you want me to say?
He wanted… He wanted Luke to say that whatever this was, that it wasn't one sided. That he wasn't making a fool out of himself for nothing. That the fantasies he'd been having had even a sliver of maybe coming true. But then they were kissing and it was amazing but like always they were being interrupted way too soon. Bob had walked in, he wanted to be mad at Bob for coming in without knocking but he couldn't be sure if Bob knocked or not because when Luke kissed him he completely zoned out, and Bob wanted to talk to him alone. There it was… the ultimatum. Luke or his job, and his head was spinning. Damn. Fuck. Shit. Hell.
Then he's running after Luke, who's storming out of the hospital.
You are such a coward.
He was going to tell Luke. He was… when he had an idea what the hell he was going to do, which in hindsight, he realizes that given Bob's friendship with Luke maybe not telling him first thing wasn't the smartest idea but Luke's cutting him off. Ranting about feeling like an idiot, that he'd developed feeling for Reid and had gone against his better judgment to pursue this farther, that he'd thought Reid had a heart but of course, he's an idiot. He can only blame his next bone headed move on the fact that he'd never done anything past a causal fling a—a fuck buddy. He explained to Luke that he had no plans of giving up Luke nor his job and went on to explain his "brilliant idea" Ha. Not. Luke had been livid at his suggestion which had been horrible in hindsight. Asking Luke to fade into the background until their relationship became acceptable, and what if it'd never become acceptable? If he thought about it, he had to know that this conflict of interest thing came strictly from Invicta because from the moment he'd come to Oakdale Bob had been trying to convince him that there was life outside of work so Bob would never have forced him to give up what Bob had wanted him to find. Then Luke was bowing out. Walking away, making his choice for him and he should be happy but happy is the last thing he feels.
He goes in and claiming illness, he goes home. As he does, his mind goes a mile a minute, replaying everything about what happened, everything that lead up to this moment. He's sitting on Katie's couch doing what was probably defined as moping when Katie came home. He immediately asks Katie for her opinion as, besides the sexy blonde who currently was not answering his phone calls and the bastard who put him in this predicament in the first place, Katie is the only person he trusts enough to ask for advice. It helped that Katie already knew of his feelings for Luke having figured it out after listening to Reid rant about how Noah treated Luke. Katie responds with sarcasm. Why is it that every time he lets his guard down, whether intentionally or not people who supposedly care about him respond with jokes and sarcasm.
Welcome to the human race, Reid, we've been waiting for ya.
He doesn't know why he expects Katie to just let him rant. No. Katie turns it right back around on him describing in perfect detail exactly what he's feeling at the moment.
You don't get to chose love it chooses you. I mean, you think you've finally settled into your life and then all of a sudden, you start wanting things that you didn't think you'd ever want again, because that part of your life was over, right? And then this guy comes into your life and gets you thinking again and gets you wanting to be happy and believing that that can happen. And sometimes you want it, and sometimes you'd rather die. But then you think, Maybe I should just let my feelings take over. Maybe I should just let it happen and hope and pray that my heart won't be broken into a million pieces again
Then he tells her that this is not his first relationship. Liar. He doesn't know why he does this except that the genius part of him cannot admit that he doesn't have a clue what he's doing or admit that he's terrified he's screwed it up beyond repair. Katie sees right through him as usual
Yeah. You know, when you first got here, all you talked about was you and how great you are and all you cared about was you. I mean who would want to date that? Seriously who would be good enough?
Who'd want to date that? He wonders. But there's one point Katie's wrong about. There is no question that Luke is good enough for him, the question is can he be good enough for Luke.
You feel that way because you're falling in love.
What are you – he brought the worst out in me. I had it all figured out before I came here. I knew who I was, what I wanted. I don't even remember what that was like anymore. I can't choose to walk away from the hospital. If I'm not Dr. Reid Oliver, I don't know who I am.
And with that the last of his walls fell. He'd laid his biggest insecurity out in the open. He hated this feeling, wanting to sink into the floor, crawl under a rock, he thought he' d moved past these feelings after he graduated high school.
Maybe it's time you found out.
What if it's not worth it?
This was happening way too damn fast. And this ultimatum, ha, this ultimatum was causing him to have to examine feelings and insecurities he'd long since buried, or so he thought.
I loved my husband with all my heart and soul. I'm telling you, this is your chance.
She took his beer before she shoved his jacket into his hands.
Take a deep breath and trust me. Just do it. Go for it, it's worth it.
And with that she shoved him out the door. So he found Bob and quit. He searched franticly for Luke and finally found him at Java, looking mighty cozy with….Noah. Reid's heart sank. He felt that thing inside him trying once again to tear him into pieces only this time it was worse. Because now he no longer had the dream job that would have at least helped him save his sanity if he couldn't have Luke. He was making plans to get the hell out of dodge, to run away from the person causing his insides to feel like they'd been run through a paper shredder, and why the hell not? He had no obligation to Noah, who'd gotten his sight back, and he had no obligation to the hospital wing as he'd just given that right up and he had no obligation to Luke who'd run right back to his ex at the least little sign of trouble.
Luke's yelling for him to wait, and damn he can't even manage to look Luke in the eye because he just knows that if he looks into those brown eyes while Luke tells him that he's back with Noah, then he'd surely have some kind of mental or worse emotional breakdown in the middle of old town. So he pulls his walls up as best he could given that Luke had pretty much bulldozed them and manages to pull off a jackass response just pissing Luke off enough, giving him time to flee.
You feel that way because you're falling in love.
Most of what happened next was a blur. He remembered Luke stopping by and giving him the perfect chance to tell him that he'd quit for him but pride had him saying the exact opposite. He remembered Bob tracking him down at Yo's telling him that despite their argument Luke had fought to get Reid's job back for him. He remembered going to Luke's house and trying desperately to focus on what he was doing at the moment and not when he'd stood where Luke is now and babbled like an idiot about wanting Luke and the kiss that ensued. He told Luke he was not moving. That he would stay and complete his wing. It wouldn't be that hard, tell Bob he' d momentarily lost his mind. Yeah that was as good a reason as any, temporary insanity. Then curiosity got the best of him and he ended up making a comment about Luke and Noah, thus confirming the reason Luke had for explaining why Reid was acting like this. Then Luke was telling him that he'd been wrong. Luke had not run back to Noah at least not in the way he had assumed. He'd put himself through this for nothing, if he'd just walked up to Luke, asked to speak to him in private, he'd have found out that he still had a chance. But he was stupid and arrogant, trying to pretend he understood something he knew nothing about. He was shocked. Nobody had ever been angry with him, yet still went to bat for him
But you still took on Bob and Mona and Invicta to get me my job back.
Because you did walk away from it for me
For all the good it did me.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, I - I don't know where I stand in my personal life or my professional life.
And there he was again. Vulnerable without his walls, only this time it was in front of the person that mattered. Luke rubbed his shoulder and said something about figuring it out together. He didn't want to jump to conclusions so he just stood there. He'd been chasing after Luke all this time and now he needed Luke to chase after him, he needed to know that he'd understood correctly. He needed to know that this was not just in his head.
Luke stepped forward, took his hand, and kissed him like he'd never been kissed before. He felt high, well what he imagined being high felt like as he'd never actually been high. He'd never liked the idea of giving up that kind of control and once he'd studied how getting high effected the brain it had just confirmed how moronic getting high was. But still in this moment, he felt high.
You feel that way because you're falling in love.
No, he was not falling in love. He'd fallen and he'd fallen hard, but he suspected, as he pulled away and looked into those beautiful brown eyes that had the power to see straight through to his soul even when he didn't want him to, that for now, this would be his little secret.