Ms. Evie Has Words: Outtake for Under My Nose
Beta: Frannie Flower
Published for the compilation for the Fandom for LLS.
This outtake is all Ms. Evie's cantankerous, wildly witty and downright raw POV of Edward and Bella's visit to her costume shop. Hear her observations as they work together in hopes of making Edward into the wealthy, panty-dropping, smoldering hot pirate, Jean Laffite.
Ms. Evie Has Words
Outtake for Under My Nose
On my living room settee, I lounge comfortably with my feet up, sipping my morning libation of tea … With just the right amount of bourbon for good measure. It truly is what I needed to keep me from coming down with a case of the Vapors.
My phone rings and it is my Sal Gal. Oh, how I love this girl. She will marry my sweet, precious Richard if I have anything to say about it.
"To what do I owe the pleasure of your phone call, Sal Gal?" I happily say into the receiver with a broad cat-got-your-mouse grin.
"I hate to bother you this early, Eve Beav, but my niece and her friend need to find a costume and your place was closed," she informs me.
"Well, what kind of costume does she need?" I ask.
"It's not for her; it's for her gentleman friend. I think he's the man of her dreams, just a feeling mind you."
"Pooh, well, then this is a special kind of shopping spree?" I ask.
"Yeah well, I know you have insight into the power of love. I was thinking you could allow them to look around as you look at them. You know what I mean?" she coyly conveys to me.
"Sal Gal, I honestly swear I could have birthed you. I know exactly what you mean." I giggle.
"This niece means a lot to you."
She sobs, "She's my heart and soul. And should this man be the one, I don't want her to miss an opportunity for true love, Eve Beav."
I soothe, "Sal Gal, I don't think I've ever heard you so emotional. I will gladly do as you ask.
Tell them to meet me at the store in an hour. I will open the door for them and my eyes for you."
"Thank you," she boldly cries.
Sure enough an hour later, this delicious couple walks into my store. I try to hide my surprise because that girl is the spit and image (niece my ass) of Sal Gal right down to every curve in the behind to her two petunia melons up front. Her smile glows like a million moonbeams dancing across the sky and her golden, sunlit hair shines brilliantly, as it flows down her back.
Oh, and her gentleman is a sight for these tired eyes. His wayward copper hair shoots in every direction looking like he just got out of bed. My, my, his tight jeans show every bulge from his muscular thighs over to his over-abundance of family jewels. A good foot taller than his lady, hmm, I like the match.
He allows her to approach me first; a gentleman. That gives him a brownie point or two with me. As they walk up through the aisle of costumes and trinkets, I can picture them walking down a flowery path to say I do."
I stand as tall as my short stature will allow, my cane keeping me erect, and sing a soft, 'welcome', and try to sit on my special, store throne. Both these lovely children grab my arms and assist me in my plight to get where I want to be.
I get myself comfortable and instruct them to sit on the bench.
"Now, what can I do for you? Sally said this was of dire importance." I smile sweetly.
"We want to create a Jean Lafitte costume for Edward. Ah, this is Edward Cullen and I'm Bella Swan," she smiles.
"I know, and I'm Evelyn St. Vincent LaCroix Dykes-Johnson." I proudly announce.
Pretty little thing's eyes go wide. "You're Richard's mom?"
"Yes, and apparently I owe him something for him to beg me to open the shop for you." I laugh.
The young man with the velvet, voice of honey thanks me while Sal Gal's mini me asks, "Is it possible you might have anything to depict the clothing of that era?"
"If I don't have it, Bella and Edward, you won't find it anywhere else!" I smugly respond.
I am the answer to their prayers. I stand and walk a short distance to begin rummaging through racks of clothing, pulling out a pair of gray, fitted pants, a navy colored wool jacket with wide lapels, a white cotton shirt, thin tie and heavy, leather, black boots. However, the piece of clothing that will enhance Edward's charm as Jean Lafitte is a black, wide-brim, gambler hat. I can't wait to see him in this.
I lead Edward to the back of the shop, as the sweet girl remains on the bench. He goes behind a curtain, as I take a little grope. He yelps, and I laugh, "Nice buns, Edward. If only I was younger."
I walk back to the sweet little thing on the bench and pitifully apologize, "Sorry, my dear, I couldn't help myself. I certainly hope you are tapping that."
She just smiles with her face all aglow and tomato-like.
I return to the back and watch through the curtains.
Moments later, Edward emerges in full costume regalia. The pants fit like a glove, but there is more to him that meets the eye. I have truly fit him into the perfect costume.
He asks her what she thinks and she says he has the potential to be handsome.
The way he walks, begs for her attention, yet she portrays a cool outward demeanor. Yes, I'd say they will be a couple if they can get their heads out of their asses.
The poor boy's face is lost in disappointment and rejection.
Then, she flings an even lower blow. "Well, you look good from the neck down."
Hmm, true.
She continues, "Edward, you need a shave. I don't think they had that mountain man look in the eighteen hundreds. And we do need to do something with your hair."
Hmm, true.
He bends to her ear, as I strain to listen, "Your honesty is refreshing, Ms. Swan."
Poor boy, he wants her so bad.
I see her glance at his ass and gulp. She whispers back, "Are you trying to be sarcastic?"
Oh my, I want to smack the both of them, push them into the back room and let the two of them have their way with one another. Oh, I need my tea. I feel the vapors coming on, waving my hand in front of my glistening face.
He doesn't know if the costume will work.
She tries to convince him that once he has a good shave and a haircut, people will be begging to take a carriage ride with the swashbuckling pirate, Jean Lafitte.
He looks at her.
"I know this will work." She scratches his beard and smirks. "You are rather cute under all that fuzz."
He mumbles, "Now you're a flatterer after you shot me down."
She bites the inside of her cheek. "I don't always have a filter."
He pulls at her cheek, "No kidding."
She sweeps her fingers over his lengthy hair to see his eyes. He sits close. "Just a shaping and your hair will be perfect. You'll see."
He smiles. "You promise?"
She sits up straight. "Yeah, I promise."
He leans close. "I'm going to hold you to that."
I lean forward waiting for their kiss, holding my breath.
They are nose to nose and he kisses her on the forehead.
I mumble, "Pussy."
I'm sick of this dance they are dancing, so I walk out and hobble down the aisle shouting, "Well?"
They both jump up and pull away from one another. Ha, it wasn't as if they were doing anything.
Edward walks toward me, helps me to sit again and says, "I think this will work."
I stare them both down and say, "Oh, I know it will work."
We fold all the items and place them into a large bag.
"What do I owe you, Miss Evie?" He takes his wallet from his back pocket.
I wave him away. "Not a thing." I respond slowly getting up from my throne. "And if you
need anything else, just let me know." I wink at Maren. "Let yourselves out, kids, and turn the closed sign around, would you, please?" I'm near the back, and I giggle, "Tap. Tap. Tap."
Bella shakes her head, stands and smiles at me.
I quickly make my phone call. With only one ring she answers and I say three words,
"Plan a wedding."
I hang up and go make more tea.
Lord help those vapors.
The end