Undisclosed Desires

R/J [12-15] May refer to future storylines at points.


Feedback and Ideas much appreciated!


Ruth.

For once, everything in my life that I needed to be stable, was stable. I was in Jay's bed, wrapped in Jay's arms, it was a comfort.

Today I had woken up wondering why I hadn't signed up for the Christmas shift, even though I already knew. It was because this year, I thought I would actually be spending Christmas with someone…my brother, Jonathon. But he had different plans; he decided he would rather feed his addiction to drugs. So there I was, all alone again, feeling like a fool for displaying so much trust in someone just because the same blood ran through our veins. I let my guard down, it was stupid, and it would always end badly with someone from my family. We were all scum, that's how we were recognised on the old estate we lived on.

Boxing Day – just an excuse for people to either boast about their Christmas or whinge about their hangovers…you had the types in the hospital like Adam and Jess who would swan around waving their perfect family life in our faces, and types like Zoe who would be telling people to be quiet a lot, walking around with sunglasses and painkillers, nursing a hangover.

I sort of just floated around, being my normal quiet self, hoping to be ignored so I could just wrap up my shift, and go home to my lonely life. But our E.D department, for some reason was extremely tight knit, staff wise and there was a party. Nobody asked me how my Christmas was, I expect they knew better then to ask the lonely suicidal girl about her feelings, all apart from one. Jay had greeted me as soon as I walked in the door, and at that point I recognised his kind spirit, and how much I admired him, I had as much as broken his heart just 2 months ago, and he had the heart to still look out for me, still offer comfort, and still ask me how I was, when I hadn't even had the heart to do anything other then give him a cold glare or a bitchy comment.

Throughout the day, Me and Jay got told to work together, and I found myself becoming snappy yet again. Jonathon, e.g. Brother dearest made a decision to trash my flat, and rob local stores, and seeing as im the family member, Im the one with the police dumped on me. And Jay just happened to be taking his break when I was with the police man, so naturally, with his caring nature; he had to ask how I was.

I tried to block it out, change the subject, but Jay kept going with that persistence that nobody else had with me, he knew how to push my buttons, get me to drop my guard even if it was just for 10 seconds. So I spurted it out and left, and Jay said he was sorry, and watched me as I left.

I went over to the party, just to keep up appearances, and its not like I had much else to do, I had no money, a trashed flat, no friends, basically nothing but a microwaveable meal and a army of textbooks I didn't even need to read came back to me. I realised that night for the first time consciously, that I was lonely. Then, Jay came up to me, with his usual cheeky grin and smiley disposition.

He told me he was sorry for earlier (e.g. pestering until he got the truth), and then I looked into his eyes once more and he said we should get out of here, and for once I had already made the decision as soon as I looked into his warm eyes, inviting me in, I needed somebody and that somebody was Jay. I had missed him almost as soon as he left the hospital room when I dumped him. It wasn't for my benefit, it was for my career. Ever since I was young, I strived for something better then what I had, I strived to help people, I wanted to be at the top of the career ladder.

But now, I didn't have Sarah Evans dictating my every move, watching me, hanging my prospects by a thread, I was more relaxed.
He had offered his hand out, and without hesitation, I took it and held it softly, he looked quite surprised that I had accepted so quickly. Then he flashed me one of his trademark smiles, but Jay's smiles had a code. He had one where he was upset, but holding himself together to be the glue that held together everyone else, He had the one where he was joking with people, He had the one where he was doing something against his will for someone else, and He had the one when he was genuinely happy and didn't know a better way to express it. This smile, was defiantly the latter, he was genuinely happy of my presence around him, god help him, all I had ever done was cause him trouble, and all he had ever done was support and help me, whatever snide comments and horrible things I had thrown at him. I smiled back at him, and we both laughed slightly like naughty kids, and he led a skippy run outside the building, so we were outside the hospital.

Jay noticed it first
"Its snowing!" he said, looking as excited as I felt. I had always been excitable around snow, but my dad had never let me play in it. Well actually, I couldn't leave my Dad incase he choked on his own sick or drank more vodka, and all my brother did was put stones in the middle of the snowballs and throw them at passing people he disliked, or expensive cars.

We were leaning against the wall of the hospital, side by side, watching the snow fall heavily, I saw Jay's eyes light up.
"Typical it's a day after Christmas" I said, softly
Jay snapped out of his trance "I know, I wanted a White Christmas!" he moaned, but I knew him well enough not to take it seriously.
"Did you have a nice Christmas?" He asked me, and I could tell this was when sensitive Jay came out.
"Not really no. I spent it alone and then had a power cut" I said and laughed a little at my own misfortune
"Well Ruth, that is not good, but tonight, I promise you is going to be a lot better" He said, taking hold of my hand again, and I allowed my fingers to slip through his, I looked at his eyes, this was the way you detected emotion from Jay apart from his many smiles. He looked at me, and I knew he wanted to know if I was sure.
I looked up at the snow, taking the sight in for a last time, before turning to fully face Jay, who was eyeing me up and down looking a little confused, but with a happy expression.

"Ready for that take-out?" I asked him, and he grinned again, knowing that I wanted in. On everything, our relationship, how everything used to be. He now had the confirmation that I had fell for him as he had fell for me.
"Yeah yeah, just give me 5 minutes to do something yeah?" He said, and swung a arm around my waist, reeling me in closer to him. He kissed me gently, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed him towards the wall, and embraced in a deep passionate kiss. We broke apart softly, and Jay breathed into my neck
"Ive missed you" he started
"Ive missed you too, more than you know" I said, and then put my fingers on his lips silently, and pulled him back in. I wasn't loosing this battle again.
Out of all the years of bad Christmas', bad holidays in general, this had topped it. Without doing anything out of the ordinary, Jay had already brightened my day and made me feel special..

After the takeout, we both sat, stuffed to the core on the bus
"Your coming back with me yeah?" He said, stroking my hair, happily.
"Yup" I said quietly, snuggling into his chest

The next stop, Charlie and for some reason Tess were there
"If this is weird for you, we can move apart or something" Jay whispered
"No. This is our new start..the world can watch out" I said, with meaning, and a stunned Jay took my chin in his hand and kissed me again, and I placed my hand on his cheek.

"Merry Christmas" Charlie cheerfully singsonged, and Jay shot him a sarcastic look, and then they both chuckled..what were they like, those two were like a father and son, always with the easy banter, the simultaneous laughing, but I also know Charlie was the one who supported Jay through the break-up..he knew the ins and outs of things.

Tess shot me a knowing glance, and I swear I saw her wink. Tess was the only other person with inside information..although she knew a little more then even Jay himself. Not out of choice
They both got off the bus at the next top and we got off the stop after that, hand in hand.
"Anyone in yours?" I asked, and he looked at me
"Free house" he answered, wide eyed, dangling the keys in my face..
"Well well.." I said, and he nodded, unlocked the door, and swept me off the ground, picking me up
"J-Jay put me down!" I said, nervously, not used to the feeling of being swung around the room
"Not until we reach the destination" Jay smirked at me,and once we reached the bedroom, he dropped me softly on his bed, kicked his door shut, before I grabbed his hand, he spun around, I pulled him closer to me and we picked up where we left off...the perfect night with the perfect gentleman.