Summary: This story is John's perspective of what it was like growing up without Amy around, since he is the one who was affected by her decision.
Background: After the series finale, I did not think very highly of Amy at all. I was disgusted that Amy went through with her plan of leaving John behind and even more disgusted with Anne for supporting it. This story has been on my mind ever since the series finale. It finally came to life when Brenda Hampton released, what I could only hope was a joke, for how season 6 would have gone. I didn't care that Amy and Ricky didn't up together, he deserved better, but was upset that Amy and John didn't. This story reflects that and while there is no direct Amy bashing, it does not portray Amy in the most positive light. If you are an Amy fan, or if you were happy about the way Amy and Ricky were left off at the end of the series, this may not be the story for you.
Inspired by the song "Sentimental" by Nikko Lowe.
Disclaimer: I do not own Secret Life. There is only one original character in this story thus far. The rest are the product of Brenda Hampton.
What would you do if I told you I loved you from that first smile on that very first day?
John Juergens always knew that his family was different. His parents were noticeably younger than the parents of his peers. He didn't have any brothers or sisters, although he did have an uncle that was younger than him. Robbie was the closest thing he had to a sibling, even though they barely saw each other much anymore. He had more grandmothers than anyone had ever heard of, six to be exact, as some of his grandmothers were married to other women. His father's parents did not look anything like him. He and his father had different last names. But most importantly, he was raised by his father alone without the help of another parental figure.
John always knew that his family was different. While different was never necessarily a bad thing, it did bring about a lot of questions in his young life. Questions that he was not mature enough to even understand. Questions that his father, Ricky, or any of the other adults in his life never seemed comfortable answering. For the most part, John had no choice but to accept the lack of answers. Hearing, 'you'll understand when you're older,' only made their answers vague enough to hold him over until the next question arose. But there was one question that he never could understand no matter how many times it was answered; why was his mother never around?
John could barely remember a time when his parents were together. He was only three years old when they split up. They got along okay the few times a year they saw each other, but it was clear there was more to the story than they were willing to tell him. Ricky still maintained a close relationship with his ex's father, Grandpa George, which made arrangements a little easier. Ricky never spoke negatively about his ex to anyone, although a part of John could tell that he wanted to. Whenever a particularly difficult subject regarding her would come up, Ricky would simply say they were "handling it" and would never elaborate further.
John's father was without a doubt his hero. He knew that he would always go to the ends of the earth for him. Ricky worked his way through high school and college in order to support himself and John. He began working at Boykewich Butcher Shop before John was born and was fortunate to have such a good relationship with his boss, Leo. When Ricky became a single father right after his first year of college, he picked up a second job waiting tables at Grandpa George's restaurant, Geoff's, to make up for the lost income, since he chose not to pursue child support. When it became clear that due to his demanding work schedules, Ricky was not going to graduate college in four years like he had hoped, Grandpa George had offered to help Ricky financially so he wouldn't have to work as many hours, but Ricky refused the help. Ricky was lucky that Leo offered him a job on the business end of the company once he graduated. Even though Ricky worked so much, John was still his first priority. He never missed an activity that he was involved in or a chance to support him. Any time John needed him, Ricky was there. Ricky made it his responsibility to make sure John never felt the absence of a parent present, like he did as a child.
Ricky was always honest with John when he told him how difficult it was to raise a child so young. He never made John feel like he wasn't wanted, but constantly emphasized the importance of getting an education before having children. Ricky had strict rules for John growing up and was determined to keep him on a path for success. John's many aunts and uncles used to laugh at his authoritative nature and would tell stories about how Ricky used to be such a "bad boy" in high school. John almost didn't believe them given how different his father was now. Ricky was not exactly open with John about his childhood, but John knew it was difficult for him. So while John did not always like how strict Ricky was, ultimately he knew that he had his best interests in mind.
John's mother, Amy, moved to New York when she and Ricky split up, where she attended college at Hudson University. According to her mother, Grandma Anne, ever since Amy was a little girl she dreamed of living in New York. John could respect her desire to pursue her dreams. Whenever he saw her, she repeatedly encouraged him to do the same and never give up on his own dreams. But what he could not understand was why she never wanted to take him with her; or if she did, why she didn't try harder. She came to visit him every Thanksgiving, Christmas, school break, and some random weekends here and there. Her parents sometimes took him to New York to see her, too. It was still hard for John when his mother was rarely present for the other events in his life, such as his birthdays, school events, and sick days. He appreciated his grandmothers for helping out when he needed that maternal figure, but it was never the same as having his own mother there.
Though John loved his mother very much, as he grew older, her absence started to weigh on him more and more. When she first moved to New York, she promised to see him "every chance she got." She also promised to move back home once she finished school. But then things kept happening that prevented her from keeping these promises. Summer school came up that prevented her from coming home for the summer. Spring breaks suddenly involved a vacation to Florida instead of a trip home. Homework and class projects arose that prevented her from leaving campus most weekends.
During her junior year of college, Amy started dating a guy named Kevin. Kevin was an intelligent young man who came from a wealthy family in New Jersey. He and Amy shared a mutual love of music and theater. After that, she came home even less than before. When she did come home, Kevin would usually come with her and John would have to spend time with both of them. Grandpa George made fun of Kevin a lot and thought Amy could do better. His wife, Grandma Kathleen, believed that Amy really liked him because he gave her whatever she wanted. Her daughter, Aunt Grace, saw the relationship as "very Amy." Ricky went out of his way not to meet him when they were in town.
While John was disappointed, he was not exactly surprised when Amy ultimately decided to stay in New York with Kevin instead of moving back home to California after school. It was toward the end of his first grade year when he flew to New York with his grandparents for Amy's graduation. During dinner the night of the ceremony, she and Kevin told both of their families their plan to find an apartment in Manhattan together. When John returned home from that trip, it was the first time in a long time that he remembered his parents fighting so badly in front of him. John was upset with his mother for breaking her promise, but Ricky was furious. According to Grandpa George, it was only the second time that they were not able to come to an agreement on their own without getting lawyers involved.
Kevin was nice to John and treated him well, but John did not like him. Kevin picked up on John's negative feelings towards him and in turn tried to buy his affection. But it didn't matter how nice Kevin was or how much stuff he bought him, John could never get over the fact that he took his mother away from him; that Amy picked Kevin over him. Ricky demonstrated deep concern whenever John expressed his dislike for Kevin fearing there was a more severe reason for it. So much so that it confused John. Ricky promised that if there was ever a time where Kevin wasn't nice or did anything to hurt John, he would make sure that he never had to see him again. John did not know exactly what Ricky meant by that, but was glad to know his father would support him no matter what.
The first time John really remembered feeling resentment for his mother stemmed from an innocent class project in third grade. The assignment was simply to research their name. When John asked Ricky where his name came from, he was a little disappointed to hear that his first name was chosen by his Aunt Ashley purely because it was simple. He wasn't too concerned with his middle name only being chosen because it "sounded good with John," but the reason behind his last name was a big letdown. His mother, aunt, and grandparents had decided it was best to give him their last name, Juergens. Because Amy and Ricky were so young and they were not married, and given Ricky's reputation at the time, they weren't sure how involved Ricky would be in John's life. Amy felt that it was important for her and John to have the same last name so it would be less confusing for John in the future in case Ricky was not present. John was disgusted with the irony. Amy feared that Ricky wouldn't be around when she was the one who wasn't. Confused didn't even begin to describe how he felt. Ricky tried to explain that he was not very responsible when he was 16 and that it made sense at the time, but John not want to hear it. John, instead, created a different story behind his name referencing many famous Johns in history that he could have been named after.
A few weeks later, John asked Ricky if he could change his last name to Underwood to match his. He was surprised when Ricky said that it was not a good idea. John immediately rejected Ricky's reasoning of it being disrespectful to his mother. He was skeptical when Ricky told him that changing your name was not as simple of a procedure as it sounds. But he was finally silenced when Ricky explained that his own father, Bob Underwood, who John had never even heard of before, was a very bad man and that it was better if he had a different last name that him, even if that meant it would be different than Ricky's too. John knew that the real reason was another one of those things that he would "understand when he was older."
John's could never forget the moment that his resentment toward his mother turned into hurt. When he was ten years old, Amy and Kevin came home one weekend to tell him, Ricky, and the rest of her family that they were moving to Europe for a year. As usual, Grandpa George verbally disapproved of her decision and called her a bad mother (without using those words). Grandma Anne argued with him and agreed with Amy saying that she should continue to follow her dreams. For some reason, Amy yelled at both of them. Between all the yelling, Ricky sensed that John was upset and decided to take him home rather than sticking around to see how it turned out. No one noticed.
John spent that entire night crying, much to Ricky's concern. After several hours of tears, John finally explained that he was upset because it made him sad that he barely ever saw Amy in the first place; when he did, Kevin was always there too. But now she wanted to move even further away from him. John felt as if she didn't even care about him or about his feelings since it seemed so easy for her to be away from him all the time. He didn't understand how none of these "dreams" that Grandma Anne kept talking about ever involved him. She told him he could come visit her in Europe, but John knew that probably would never happen. Ricky didn't even know what to say to make John feel better, because ultimately he agreed with him.
Nothing, however, compared to the moment when the hurt feelings John had toward his mother turned into anger...