"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
And at that precise moment, with one of the loves of my life lying broken, inside and out, before me that I was hit with a sudden realization. My eyes widened and my breathing quickened. I clutched at my chest to keep my heart from exploding out of it and I could hear my breath getting raspy. Jacob looked at me, suddenly alarmed.
"Bella honey, what's wrong? What happened?" He tried to lift his right arm to comfort me, but grimaced in pain and let it drop.
It took me nearly a minute to collect myself enough to make my eyes meet his. My jaw had dropped, but the edges of my mouth had turned up in a slight smile. I was sure I must have looked like a lunatic, but nothing in that moment could have bothered me.
"You." I managed to whisper, already feeling the lump in my throat that was sure to bring tears.
Jacob furrowed his brows together, I guessed he was trying to decide whether or not to call for help. He spoke slowly, as if to someone who had just woken from a coma. Fitting, I suppose, as that's how I felt. Like I was finally waking up.
"What do you mean, Bells? Talk to me. What's going on?"
"You." I said again, my voice stronger, though shaking slightly. "It's you. It's supposed to be you. It has to be."
A single tear managed to slip passed my defenses, but, miraculously, there was not one ounce of sadness. It must've been something in the way Jacob, my sweet, sweet Jacob, had phrased his defeat. I would have been the air, the sun. And I had known that myself for so long now and I could no longer bear the thought of it not being. He was my sun. He was my air. He was my joy. He was my anger. He was my Jacob.
A tentative smile crept across Jacob's face, though he still seemed like he was just humoring the crazy girl.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you." He said, a slight edge to his voice, as though he was still waiting for the hammer to strike, for me to tell him that it wasn't enough still.
Hell, I waited for that little voice in my head to come back too. To tell me that I was already in too deep. That I had made my choice. Alice had seen it. It had to be.
There was silence for two minutes that seems like decades. We never broke eye contact. The little voice never came.
"Jacob." I whispered, though it was more of a sigh. "My Jacob."
He took his left hand that was still wrapped around my waist and lifted it to caress my cheek. "I am."
Jacob was still unsure. Somehow what happened in my mind was so monumental that I thought for sure lightening would strike and he would automatically know. But it didn't and now I had to tell him. Say the words. Stake my claim.
I closed my eyes for a brief moment and let out a shaky exhale. Jacob was still looking at me like something was loose upstairs, still guarded. Still waiting for me to hurt him again. Could I blame him? It's all I've done. Never again. I vowed to myself. Never again will I hurt my sun that warms me in the cold and my air that fills my lungs. You can quit a drug. You cannot quit existence.
"Will you let me pick you?" I asked.
The words were barely out of my mouth when his hand that had been resting on my cheek gripped the back of my neck and pulled my lips to his. I wrapped one arm around his neck and let the other fall at my side, unsure where else to touch him that wouldn't cause pain. Our lips moved together in perfect unison, his hot breath feeding the fire in my head. There was nothing, absolutely nothing else in this world at this moment but him. He was not worried about being gentle or careful or controlled and neither was I. The way his lips formed with mine and my hand was able to grip his neck was unreal. Or rather, it was real. This was what it should be. This was what I wanted. I wanted whatever time I had with my Jacob, be it ten days or fifty years. An eternity with anyone else would never equal this one passionate kiss with my Jacob.
He tried to lift his right arm once more and gasped in pain. I immediately pulled away, though only by a few inches. My eyes were wide, alarmed at his pain.
I opened my mouth to speak, and he leaned forward and gave me a soft, sweet kiss before moving away from me again. His hand slipped down my neck to rest on my arm, his thumb mindlessly, naturally rubbing circles. His head tilted back on his pillow and he let out a loud exhale.
"What are you doing to me, Bella?" He whispered. It sounded pained. He was still waiting for me to leave.
I gripped his neck and tilted his head to look him in the eyes. I hoped I looked slightly less psychotic. I smiled softly at him.
"Jacob Black, I want you to be my sun. I want you to be my air. Jacob, I want you."