AN: I am not Stephanie or James, but am merely playing with their characters for awhile in a teasing manner. This is a parody of sorts with my own twist. Enjoy :)
"Ja-cob!" Nessie yelled, her face dripping with sweat and her legs propped up in the stirrups. "This baby is coming whether you're in here or not!" She screamed for the third time.
"Hush, sweetie." Edward soothed his seven year old daughter. Even though he was still angry at Jake for marrying Renesme so soon after she was completely grown, and then impregnating her just as quickly, he couldn't deny that he was getting excited about being a grandfather after over a hundred years on Earth.
"Oh, leave her alone," Bella chastised her husband, "she's having this baby naturally, so she has the right to yell as loud as she wants."
Jacob walked into the living room with a crazy grin on his face. He was going to be a father! "I talked with the pixie and she said she thinks that there's a fifty percent chance that we're having a boy!"
"Um, Jacob, there are only two options…" Jasper said, even though no one was paying him any attention. He was always forgotten around here, though he didn't know any reason why.
"Ja-ke!" Nessie yelled unintentionally as she had another contraction. Jacob rushed to her side, his warm hands making her sweat even more but she didn't care. She needed her husband's support to push this stupid child of his out of her, well, you know.
When the contraction finally ended, Nessie glared at her husband. "You are so lucky that I love you or else I'd kill you for doing this to me!"
"Tsk, tsk." Rosalie said, waiting to get her hands on the new baby. Even though she loved her niece, the prospect of having a tiny bundle of joy was too much for her. "You don't mean that, Ness. Its just the pain talking."
"I'll talk about pain…" Nessie grumbled as another contraction came over her.
"This is it." Carlisle said, motioning for Esme to prepare the cleaning water. This was his favorite part about being a doctor, bringing new life into the world. "The baby's head is crowning."
"Oooh goodie!" Alice danced around. "Someone else to shop for! I can finally max out that last credit card…"
"You and your shopping." Emmett said with a booming laugh. He flexed a muscle when Rose caught his eye. Those two were crazy in love and loved showing off their insane beauty like immature teenagers.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" A new voice yelled, breaking everyone's concentration on their partners.
Esme cleaned the crying child off and wrapped it in a tiny green blanket, the neutral color for babies, as well as the color for alien children. Just saying.
"Well, what is it?" Jacob asked, too excited to contain it any longer as his wife's vampire grandmother handed the baby to Nessie.
"It's a boy!" Carlisle, Alice, Edward, and Esme said at the same time that Nessie peeked at the baby's private parts to check for herself.
"I have a son! A son!" Jacob exclaimed, letting out a howl to alert the rest of his pack.
"What should we name him?" Rose asked. "Um, I mean you guys, what should you guys name him?"
"Well, I always admired that my mom named me after my family members, so I thought that I should do the same thing too." Nessie said with a blush. "I've been thinking of the perfect way to combine everyone's names for months now and I think I have the best combination."
"What is it?" Jasper asked and everyone turned to stare at him except his wife Alice.
"When did you get here Jasper?" Edward asked, looking startled.
"Um, you're the mind reader, remember?" Jasper stated bluntly. "And I've actually been in this spot waiting for Baby's birth for two months now."
"Okay, well on to me, of course." Nessie said with a clap of her hands. She worked too hard to be the center of attention to let one of her uncles take that away from her. 'Wrapped around her finger' nothing; that was all skill.
Nessie kissed the baby's head. "I love you already, Alsme-Emmper Rosnee-Charlisle Idward-Jella."
"You want to name him WHAT?" Jacob yelled.
"How did you even come up with it?" Rosalie asked, not really caring what the baby's name was as long as she got to help raise this one. Nessie spent way too much time with her parents and her imprinter for Rose's liking.
"Well, I just combined everyone's names. Alice and Esme; Emmett and Jasper; Rosalie and my grandma Renee; grandpa Charlie and Carlisle; Edward's name spelled differently; and then Jacob and Bella." Nessie explained as if it all made sense.
"Idward? Really?" Her father asked. "Couldn't you of just-"
His sentence was interrupted by the doorbell ringing. Hmm, no one ever rang the bell at the Cullen Mansion. Oh well, this couldn't possibly come back to bite us in the butts. Edward thought as he opened the front door. Probably just a lost traveler or those girl scouts with thin mints again…
"I'm here to see Carlisle?" The tall man with rimmed glasses said. He was clearly human, an ugly human, but a human no less, with blonde-graying hair and fair skin. He looked like a doctor with his long white coat.
But Edward didn't really care one way or the other as long as he left soon so he could hopefully change his grandson's name before Nessie had Carlisle officially write out the birth certificate.
He lead the man into the back part of the living room where his daughter was still resting from just giving birth and he motioned for the man to be quiet.
"Carlisle! Its been too long!" The man said causing the good doctor to cringe.
"Edward, you fool! Why did you let this man in here?" Carlisle demanded quietly, like he did everything else. "He is my sworn enemy from medical school and I don't want anything to do with him or his animals!"
"Didn't you go to medical school like a hundred years ago…?" Jasper, the only sane one of the vampires, commented but no one paid him any mind.
"Didn't you go to medical school like a hundred years ago…?" Emmett asked and Carlisle gasped dramatically and nodded.
"How are you still alive? I hear your heartbeat!" Bella said, though she kept glancing at Edward's backside so her exclamation wasn't as dramatic as she'd hoped.
"Those animals I've been testing on have finally paid off." The man said. "I turned myself into a turtle and can live forever now…though a lot of turtles and other humans had to die for the process to be perfected."
"I can turn myself into a wolf." Jacob said proudly and the man's eyes twinkled with an idea.
Esme said to the man, her motherly instints kicking in. "Oh, precious, why don't you come live with us. You're just a lost little boy deep down."
Jasper rolled his eyes. "We don't have time for you to be a parent to him. He needs to be thrown out of the house before he can hurt any of the mostly human people here, like ARI."
"Who in the world is ARI?" Nessie asked. "My son, who may or may not be part vampire, werewolf, and human, is named Alsme-Emmper Rosnee-Charlisle Idward-Jella. I don't want my kid to have any nicknames because they are lame."
"Um, honey, you have a nickname." Jacob pointed out and Nessie laughed.
"Yes. But this is my baby and I'm not going to be a pushover like my mother." Nessie said. "She really was just so much like a human, wasn't she?"
"Hey! I'm a vampire now!" Bella whined as everyone else laughed. She tried to get away from the taunting laughter and tripped on a table, knocking over three picture frames and a lamp…all made of glass of course.
"Clumsy Bella, Clumsy Bella!" The Cullens chanted, focusing on Bella's human clumsyness instead of their unwanted guest like they should have been.
The man grabbed baby Als-whatever-and headed for the front door, never to be seen from again *dun, du, duuuuum*
Just kidding, he took his new son to his lab in Death Valley where he could monitor the baby's unique DNA and hopefully turn him into a weapon that would eventually destroy his "daugher" and her not-yet-formed Flock.
It seemed mean, but their destinies were a coinflip; save the planet from the work he was doing, or join him and rule over the entire planet. It was undecided because they were, after all, only an embryo, a stinky one year old, a motormouth four year old, and three rebellious seven year olds...
AN: See? Lol, and you thought I wasn't going to mention the Flock in this FanFiction.