Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I do like to poke fun at it.
A little explanation before this story begins. This is a completely silly version of the night that Lily and James were supposed to die [key word being supposed, and it's probably the most ridiculous thing I've written in my life. It could be a one shot, but it also has the potential of NOT being a one shot, because I have several other crazy ideas in my head about how I could continue this story. It all depends on what my reviewers say. And be honest, please.
The Night James Tempted Fate
The night was wet and windy in Godric's Hollow. Muggle children had long stopped roaming the streets for candy- at 7 in the evening, it was already dark outside and a swirling fog filled the streets, giving the neighborhood almost an erie setting, perfect for Halloween. Lily and James Potter took no notice of the outside world, however, for they were both in the sitting room playing with their one year old son, Harry. Both sat on the couch; Lily bouncing Harry lightly on her knee, and James making colored puffs of smoke erupt from his wand, which amused the little boy to no end. Between Harry's fits of giggles, James thought he heard a strange noise outside. He stopped suddenly, and turned to his wife.
"Lils... do you hear that?"
tap tap tap
"Hear what?"
tap tap tap
"That! That... tapping sound!"
tap tap tap
Harry giggled softly, slightly disappointed that the puffs of color had disappeared.
"Yeah, it sounds like someone's tapping at the window almost," Lily mused aloud, absentmindedly setting her wand on the table.
They both looked up, and sure enough, pressed against the sitting room window, was none other than the snakelike face of Lord Voldemort himself. He had an evil grin on his partially hidden face as his long white finger slowly tapped against the window. James let out a groan.
"Seriously, Lils? What does he WANT?"
Now that he obviously had their attention, Voldemort withdrew his wand and began tapping THAT against the window as well, not in the same fashion as before, but in an almost recognizable dance beat.
James threw his hands in the air in a show of mock defeat, but while doing so, accidentally flung his wand halfway across the room.
"Alright, alright, I'll freaking GET the door," James sighed as he dramatically heaved himself off the couch. "Lily, er... take Harry and go out the back door or something, would you? I'll see what this crazy coot wants."
"But James, doesn't he want Harry?" Lily asked, puzzled. She picked up Harry slowly and put him in her arms.
"Well, I suppose that's a possibility. Didn't Dumbledore mention something to us about a prophecy about him?"
"Yeah, I think so. So... should I hide him?"
"That might be a good idea," James called from the hallway, slightly exasperated, "just er... floo to Hogwarts, or your sisters, or someplace, but not before I open this door. I'll tell him you decided to go on an unexpected holiday."
"Er... okay. Bye then, James," Lily responded, utterly confused at this point. 'Why would he want me to floo to my SISTER'S house, of all places? The idiot.' She tossed some floo powder into the fire, yelled "Hogwarts!" and her and Harry disappeared in a puff of green smoke.
James yanked open the front door and crossed his arms, looking up into the face of Lord Voldemort, which had the ghost of a smirk etched upon it.
"Seriously?" James asked.
"Seriously."
"No, really. Seriously?"
[A/N: Honestly, I had a bit of a Grey's moment. Seriously.
"Yes, Potter, seriously. Peter told me where you were hiding."
"Oh. He was our secret keeper, wasn't he?" James scratched his head. "Damn. I knew we shouldn't have trusted that RAT," he spat at Voldemort's feet.
"That was completely unnecessary, POTTER," Voldemort snarled as he spat back, only he didn't aim that well, and instead of landing at James' feet, his spit landed in James' perfectly messed up hair.
"Oh, you did NOT just do that!" James challenged as he furiously ran both hands through his hair. "That's just... GROSS!"
"Um, pretty sure I did, Potter. Now where's the boy?"
"On holiday," James said brightly, "he and his mum left just a few minutes ago actually, you just missed them. Why? What did you need Harry for?"
"Are you DAFT?" Voldemort groaned, "there's some prophecy that says I have to kill Harry because he's going to bring about my downfall or something like that."
"Er, couldn't it be any boy born at the end of July though? I mean HONESTLY, Tommy, you could just..."
"I could just WHAT? Kill any other boy? When I'm right here? I think not. I wasted all of this precious time coming here, and now I have to deal with you telling me to go somewhere else? Not a chance, Potter."
James glared at him.
"Merlin, Tommy... go bully someone else's family, would you?"
"DON'T CALL ME TOMMY!" Voldemort finally forced his way over the threshold, taking his wand from the folds of his robes.
James looked confused. "Are we, er... going to duel then? Or something?"
"Well, we WOULD if you had your wand, dumbass."
James stood there, scratching his head.
"WELL?" Voldemort rolled his eyes. "GO GET IT!"
"Oh... right. Sorry," James muttered as he wandered into the sitting room, remembering that somewhere along the way, he had accidentally thrown his wand somewhere.
"Hurry up, would you, I'm only getting SLIGHTLY impatient over here," Voldemort called from the hallway.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," James muttered under his breath, "I'm sure you are." He finally found his wand, which had landed behind the piano. He ran back into the hallway, pointed it at Voldemort, and said, "Avada Kedavra!"
A small burst of green light flew from his wand and hit Voldemort right in the chest.
Voldemort snickered. "Is that all you've got, Potter?"
"Yeah, didn't it work? Wasn't that the killing curse?"
"Try again."
"Er... CONFUNDO!" James roared.
A jet of red light hit Voldemort in the face this time, and he staggered back a couple of paces.
"I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO CONFUND ME, YOU IDIOT!" Voldemort shrieked, shaking off the weakly cast curse, "when I told you to try again, I meant you have to actually put some meaning behind it, seeing as it IS an unforgivable curse."
"Oh... right. AVADA KEDAVRA!"
A family portrait just to the right of Voldemort's ear shattered.
"Wow, Potter, you really ARE pathetic," Voldemort sneered, but just as he pointed his wand at James to finish him off, he keeled over forwards and lay on the tile foyer, completely motionless.
James scratched his head and stood there with his mouth agape.
Behind him stood Alastor Moody, who blinked with his good eye and shrugged. "I can do wandless magic, James, so close your mouth. It's not that attractive."
"Oh... right. Er, sorry," James muttered, turning slightly red. "What are you--"
"Merlin, you really ARE stupid, James," Moody cut him off, "Lily and Harry flooed to Hogwarts, where Dumbledore greeted them. He then immediately summoned me," he grimaced, "and I mean LITERALLY summoned me to his office. I then apparated to your house, but not after splinching myself several times," he indicated his right hand, which was missing a few fingernails, and then pointed to a huge chunk that was missing from his nose.
"I guess it was good that you held him off for as long as you did, because I got here just in time. You're a pathetic dueler, Potter. An excellent staller, but a PATHETIC dueler. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
"But... you didn't actually kill him, Alastor," James said meekly.
"WHAT? Of course I did, what on EARTH would lead you to believe I didn't?"
"Well, this muggle woman wrote some book series about Harry, and I just finished the last one two nights ago. He goes on a really dangerous adventure in the 7th book, and has to get rid of a bunch of Voldemort's hor-thingies, I guess. So he's not really dead, because these hor-thingies each have a bit of his soul stuck in them. But that shouldn't happen for another 16 years, so we're all good."
"Oh. Firewhiskey?" Alastor shrugged, pulling a flask from his hip.
"Yeah. That'd be decent."
Tell me how much this made you laugh.
Honestly.
Even if you didn't laugh at all.
Hermy189