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Italics-memories

Resting his shaking hand on the coffin, Joker heaved a sigh. The N7 emblem was engraved on Commander Cally Shepard's coffin.

Coffin. That meant she was dead. Dead again. Joker had let her die again. It was his fault that she had died on the first Normandy. And it was his fault that she died on the second Normandy. If only he'd been faster…if only…

He could still hear her voice…

"Super Joker!" Shepard raised up her arms, making a 'swooshing' noise and running around the cockpit crazily.

"Jeez…" He muttered.

She just smiled and continued to 'fly' around the cockpit, causing EDI to remind her that she should leave the helmsman alone when working.

"Party crasher." Shepard grumbled. But Joker still laughed right with along with her.

A tinge of grin came up, remembering the good old times.

Shepard stood behind him, bored out of her mind.

"Why is it always claw and guns? Why can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous ,but hey, bunnies."

Shepard snorted. "Well next time I'm searching for a planet to mine, I'll pick the local fuzzy planet filled with unicorns and bunnies."

Joker could feel something in his eye. He looked down and something wet fell down onto Shepard's coffin. He could feel more coming. Wiping his hand over his eyes, he held it back.

"Joker…tell them." Her dark sad blue eyes, no longer smiling, were filled with pain.

"You tell them. You're not doing this to me again." He tried his best to keep his cool but he was failing miserably.

She shook her head at him, almost accepting of her fate. "You've got to warn them, more are coming."

She yelped, one arm letting go, and he couldn't bear it.

"Joker…go." She grinned one last time and she let go.

"Commander!" He knew it was useless. She was gone. "Shepard!"

He had let his friend die. And he didn't even have time to tell her…

Joker pushed the thoughts and feelings away, as he walked away from the twelve coffins. Twelve. All of them dead.

Wires and debris everywhere, he maneuvered around them. Limping as he took a detour to the elevator, heading up to a place he's been to before many times.

Shepard's cabin.

He could still see her smiling face as she would bring in food from Rupert's kitchen so they could send prank emails to various people. He walked over to her bed and laid down gently, careful of his legs.

He stared out her window, seeing the stars fly by. Sniffing, he could smell her strawberry scented hair…groaning he got back up. Hearing a giggle, he swiveled to the side. He saw nothing.

Wanting to get out of that room as quickly as possible, he limped off back to the elevator. Catching a glimpse back at her room, the elevator doors closed on him. Shoulders heaving, he could feel…something coming up.

Pinching the tip of his nose, he leaned against the wall. The elevator crawled slowly down, the usual elevator music playing. It echoed throughout the empty Normandy, making him feel even more alone than ever.

The elevator door opened and he speedily limped back to the cockpit. He knew that the Illusive Man wanted to talk to him. But the head boss of Cerberus could wait.

Sliding into the chair, he swung it around, seeing the wide expanse of space in front of him. But it wouldn't be the same without Shepard.

"Its just not the same. There's not even one thing that's a part of the old Normandy." Shepard said, shaking her head lightly.

"Yeah I know. But this time its different. It'll be better than the old days." He reassured.

"I hope so. I died." Shepard raised an eyebrow at him.

"Gah. You are such a downer." He heard a snort from behind him.

Resting his head against the chair, he tried saying it aloud. "I…Shepard…Cally…I lo-"

He couldn't do it. He couldn't say it. Joker, the 'bad-ass' pilot, couldn't bring himself to do…something. To cry. To mourn. To sob. To love.

Because after years and years of built-up mental walls, broken hearts and legs, and sarcastic buffers…he couldn't bring himself to tell his Commander that he missed her, that he killed her, and that he loved her.

And here he was. In the same situation from two years back. Again.