A/N : This is my first attempt at a Downton fic. I love the relationship between Anna and Bates and felt like I wanted to get into Anna's head a bit after ep 2:08. Please let me know what you think...
"Give me your hand and take what you will tonight, I'll give it as fast and high as the flame will rise, cinder and smoke, some whispers around the trees the juniper bends as if you were listening."
- Cinder and Smoke, Iron and Wine
Anna had made this decision herself.
She didn't regret marrying John. Far from it. It was hard for Anna to remember a time when she didn't want him, love him, and dream of being his forever. Officially, was the ideal actually but really anyway she could have him at all would have sufficed for her.
The problem was she was preparing for the worst case scenario in marrying as fast as they had. Now she wonders if she hadn't tempted fate. Would he not have been arrested, if they had continued in the limbo that was their lives?
Then she thinks of the alternative. If they hadn't married she wouldn't be able to see him through this as his wife. That was the only scenario she could think of that was worse than the nightmare she was living.
She was preparing for the worst, but she wondered why it seemed when it came to her and Mr. Bates, no she mentally corrected herself he was her husband now not simply Mr. Bates, However she put it more often then not the worst case always seemed to be the one they were living in.
She didn't want to be a martyr. She didn't want to wallow in her misfortunes, it would do no one any good. Especially, the man she loved most. He was out there, caged and facing a much harsher reality than even she had to bear.
However, tonight when nothing occupied her mind but him and her heart physically ached in her chest; she couldn't help but wonder why? Why? Was the path to the man she loved so cluttered with endless obstacles. Why were they only allowed happiness for mere moments before the next piano fell from the sky and they were forced to run for cover?
He was the best man she had ever known. Would ever know, she was certain of this. He had his demons, and yes they were the ones that always ended up haunting them both. His past had dictated their entire relationship but he was a good, kind hearted man and didn't deserve any of it. She didn't deserve this heart ache either, she knew. However, the love she felt for John Bates was transcendent and she would never wish for a time when he wasn't in her life, wasn't her life, her world, utterly and completely.
They would figure this out. They just had to. She was painfully aware of all the horrid outcomes this situation could have, She wasn't in denial and she was far from naive, but dwelling on them didn't help him one bit. She would have to stay positive for both him and her. It was the only way to keep sane. She needed to be as strong as she could for him. He was in for the fight of their lives. She knew her strength would only push his own and he needed all the strength he could get, all the fight he could muster. She would make sure he knew no matter what they were in this together, forever.
Anna decided, that for tonight, just tonight, after having to watch her life shattered into pieces with the clink of metal handcuffs around the love of her life's wrists, just for this one horrid night she would allow the darkness to come wash over her. She would allow herself to wallow, and think selfishly until sleep came.
She would cry out every tear she had in her, soak her pillowcase with the effortless flood.
She would release all her pain, in the privacy of a room that was temporarily hers alone.
Anna would allow herself the torture of reliving newly formed memories of their one night together. She would allow herself to dwell on it, knowing another night with her husband would be beyond her reach for quite some time, if ever again.
She thought of his warm hands, his soft caresses, the stretch she felt accommodating him for the first time. The way he took his time with her body, kissing every inch of skin he could reach. Their love was so palpable when they were intimately entwined. Anna was certain she could almost see it in the air surrounding them, bursts of color and light telling her how utterly right they were together. She let her mind wander to how gentle and careful he had been, making sure she was with him every step of the way.
Oh! and how with him she had been!
So many utterly pleasant sensations she had never experienced had been washing and waving over her as he worked her body like a fine instrument. The ecstasy of the moment, when her world exploded, like fireworks set off from the very center of her being spreading out from the tips of her fingers to the bottom of her toes. The comforting weight of him atop her, manly and strong, how she never wanted to disconnect. How much she wanted it all again, right now, how she knew it wouldn't be.
Once she had thoroughly exhausted the topic of their love making she conjured up every aspect of their relationship and him that she would miss wholeheartedly.
The big things, his presence, his love, his kindness, the way she always felt like she was part of a team when he was near.
The small things, the smile that makes his eyes crinkle, the one she knows is just for her. The palm of his hand that he put on the small of her back, whenever he could get away with it. The way he drank his tea, plain and sugarless. How she would tease him about how disgusting it was. The smell of him, spicy, clean, and his alone. How much they laughed, how they could communicate with a look or a glance and be on exactly the same page without uttering a word.
She let the thoughts go unbidden, allowed herself the weakness, but only because she knew tomorrow she would be strong, stead fast, in control. She had to be, and she was a master of doing what she must.
Tomorrow, she would find out when she could see him, if she could see him. Tomorrow she would deal with the law, the questions, the looks of pity and disgust from those around her. She could only imagine what would come out of Thomas and O' Brien's mouths on the subject. She would take in all the other harsh realities of her new fractured world, without sentiment. She would keep her exterior professional and guarded and she would not allow herself time for pity and what ifs.
Anna would be strong for John, she would leave no stone unturned, she would do everything humanly possible to save him. From tomorrow on, she would only think of how to get them out of this and never the possibility that maybe there was no way out.
She would make sure her husband was a free man.
She had no other options, no other acceptable outcomes to her life.
That's tomorrow, but for tonight she allows herself to grieve wholeheartedly.
One night to be weak before she has to be stronger than even she ever imagined…