Disclaimer: I don't own the show or its characters. I'm just a fan who is trying her hand at fanfiction.
Memories of A Lost Future
By:Liv
We need quiet time to examine our lives openly and honestly...
--Susan Taylor
The house is quiet. The phone has stopped ringing, the television is off and everyone has left; even the leaky kitchen faucet has decided to take the night off. She contemplates turning the radio on for some background noise but quickly decides against it, it doesn't seem appropriate. She hates it when the house is like this. It reminds her that she is alone. She hates being alone. The quiet and her being alone force her to think and to remember. And she doesn't want to.
She walks aimlessly around their house, pausing to look at the pictures on the wall. She instantly regrets it and continues down the hall. She finds herself standing before the door to the study. She presses her ear to the door, praying she hears the familiar tapping on the laptop but instead, is greeted with silence. She puts her hand on the doorknob, takes a deep breath and pushes open the mahogany door. She steps inside and surveys the room with tears threatening to spill. She hasn't been in this room since that night. She thinks about turning around and running out of the room, closing the door behind her forever. For some reason, she can't. She is drawn to the book shelf and before she realizes what she is doing, she is surrounded by various scrapbooks.
She runs her fingers over the soft blue cover of the first album. This book begins the story. She flips past pictures of their first date next to a napkin with the logo of the bar, pictures of them taken candidly at school and around town, at different basketball games right next to a piece of the tassels from her pom poms and his jersey number that year. She remembers the fight they had when he found out that she had cut the number from his jersey. She hadn't thought it would have been a big deal. It wasn't like he was ever going to wear it again and plus this is what she did. She documented every moment of their lives, the happy ones and the ones that broke their hearts. He was unlike anyone she had been with. He challenged her and gave her strength. Years later he had told her that she did the same for him. Despite how much they cared for each other they ended the year apart. They had both hurt each other so much, him because of confusion and her out of hurt and disappointment. She closes the book on the memories, on the pictures of happier times, on the pictures of when life was easier; and on a time when the outcome of their love was determined by their own actions and not by the real world.
She sets the book to the side with a sadness in her heart and instinctively picks up the red one. The one that holds evidence of their friendship and of feelings long suppressed. As she flips through the pages she can't help but recall how this time around they got to really know each other. She passes pictures of them at his brother and best friend's first wedding reception, the one that she and her best friend helped him organize and a sad smile crosses her lips as she remembers that night. That was the night the three of them decided to try to be friends. After everything they had been through, they decided that if being friends meant they could be in each others lives, then they would do everything they could to make it work. They needed to be with each other in any capacity. It was the hardest thing either one had to do, especially for her. It meant she had to allow the one person who she let herself be vulnerable around, the one person who knew her better than anyone else, and the one who broke her heart back into her life and she had to pretend that she didn't want anything more in return than his friendship. She comes across a candid picture of them on the beach the night of the formal, it turns out someone from the yearbook staff had seen them and decided to document the moment. At the time she thought that was the night her faith in love and guys had died but looking back, she realizes that it was the night they were reaffirmed. They say hindsight is 20/20. She never understood what that meant until now. That night she learned that true and mature love transcends everything. She learned that it is more than simply being in love with someone. She realized that friendship is the basis of love and that night is when it all began again for them. She continues to flip through the remaining pages and sees pictures of them at a different party every week surrounded by all of their friends, pictures of them at Keith and Jules' almost wedding, the speech he never got to give but the one that made her fall for him all over again and on the last page was her plane ticket to California. The trip that forever changed their relationship.
She sets the red book to the side and picks up the pink one. This book is evidence of how deep and immense their love runs. This was the year they both let go of their defenses and let the other in. They allowed themselves to be raw and vulnerable with each other, which showed the immensity of their love. Flipping through the pages she cant help but smile to herself but at the same time her heart aches for the people in these pictures. For what they once had and for the people they used to be. She comes to a page with pictures from the beginning of school beach bonfire. They had come a long way from that night. They had both been guarded with their hearts, her more so than him; especially after the last time. That night he professed his love. He seemed so confident that night and in a way, his confidence gave her hope. Her hope was restored that maybe this time it would work, hope that this time, their love wouldn't alter, that it would withstand whatever the world threw their way.
She spends the next hour relieving the happy moments in the book. She looks at pictures from basketball games, him on the court and her on the sidelines cheering him on; the cheerleader and the jock. To some people that is all they were, but to each other, they were everything. He taught her that she didn't have to hide her heart and that she had more to offer than just her sex appeal and in turn she taught him how to let go. She showed him that life wasn't always miserable and that it was okay to be happy. Flipping through the rest of the pages she loses herself in memories and finds herself smiling. She passes pictures of them at the Sparkle Classic, pictures of them at the River Court the night he allowed her into his world along with pictures of their cabin getaway with the group; where they all desperately tried to escape the tragedy that befell the community, pictures at the party she threw for Nathan and Haley before their second wedding and lastly pictures of them at the wedding. Tears sting her eyes as the day's events come rushing back. There they were, at what was supposed to be a joyous occasion celebrating a lifetime of happiness and love but instead they were blaming each other for the current state of their own. At the time she couldn't believe how the one person who knew her better than anyone else couldn't see why she was so broken. How he couldn't see how deep the pain and betrayal she felt ran and just relieving it broke her heart all over again.
She takes a deep breath, wipes the tears from her eyes and in typical fashion composes herself. She loathes self pity and hates showing vulnerability. Growing up, she was told that was a sign of weakness and that her family was everything but weak. She picks up the next scrapbook that continues their tale. Her fingers toy with the black cover. She contemplates not looking through it. Its as if she has to coax herself into reliving this chapter of their story. It isn't nearly as full as the previous three and isn't full of many happy memories but it's still a part of their history and in order for them to move forward they must also be able to look to their past. That was the hardest year of her life. That was the year she sacrificed her happiness, the year they lost everything they had built, both their friendship and their love. She hesitantly opens the book and comes face to face with a picture of him and her best friend on her birthday. It has always been a habit of hers to chronicle every milestone in her life and for the first time she wished she had been like one of those girls who hated pictures. That was the day she realized that she had lost the two people that meant the world to her and while that realization broke her it also gave her relief. She felt relief because she no longer had to second guess herself, their love and their loyalty. The evidence she needed was right there in front of her, walking with their arms around each other and smiles on their faces and she had it captured for all prosperity. They made each other happy and that is all she wanted because they meant the world to her, even if it meant that their happiness came at the expense of her own.
That year, she reverted back to her old self. She hid her heart and her feelings in an attempt to protect herself. She comes to a picture of the two of them at a party at her house. She remembers him telling her that he wasn't the guy for her. He was just as confident that night as he was on the beach the night he professed the opposite, the night that he gave her hope. Years later he asked her why she kept that picture and she remembers telling him that while it wasn't a pleasant memory it still is a piece of their history and she doesn't want to forget anything about their journey. She flips between pictures of them at the basketball banquet and can't help but shed a tear. That was the night they decided that what they had wasn't real and that it couldn't withstand real life. She remembers even back then how she had found solace in these same books that night on the porch steps and how hard it was to lie to him about their love not being strong enough. She knew she had no other choice but to lie to him. She couldn't make him happy no matter how hard she tried. He didn't miss her when he was gone and she missed him too much when they were apart, so she put on a smile and sent him to another; one who she knew would welcome him with open arms.
A couple of pages later she comes across a picture of them at the Championship game. That was the happiest night for everyone in the Tree Hill community. It was 18 years in the making but it was just another night of pain for her. That night, She found out that he wanted her next to him when all his dreams true and when she asked him that same question, he gave her a different answer and her heart broke all over again. She kept the smile on her face and sent him on his way, assuring him that everything would be okay; although she knew better. She flips through the rest of the pages in a hurry in hopes of erasing all the bad memories but stops at the last page.
To the right is a picture of their entire group at the River Court the night they all wrote their names and played one final game of basketball and to the left is one of her most prized possessions- a picture of her and him at the party their friend threw after graduation along, with the excerpt about her from his book. She traces the outlines of his face in the photograph as a set of fresh tears spill from her eyes.
She looks around for the scrapbook with the purple cover, the one that holds the story of their reunion. Whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder apparently had love and lost it. The first couple of pages have newspaper and magazine clippings containing reviews of his books and his tour schedules. Throughout all of the years that they hadn't communicated, she still followed his career. She never doubted that he would make it big. She knew he would make his dreams come true and that he would change the world through his words. She passes pages filled of pictures of their godson through the years and letters that Haley had written her updating her on Jamie's life and Tree Hill happenings. She always regretted not being there in the beginning of Jamie's life but she has spent every day since she returned making up for it. She stops at a page filled with pictures of the night he came to New York after getting word that his first novel was going to be published. There were pictures of them in the restaurant after she accepted his "proposal." She remembers how bittersweet that night was. There they were, pretending to be engaged and detailing the rest of their lives and their future family together. The plans came easy, she didn't need to think about them because secretly, its what she had always wanted and what she had always dreamed of with him. Throughout it all, the sad realization that that while he was physically in New York with her, his heart was in Los Angeles with her best friend was constant in the back of her mind.
She flips through a couple more pages filled with pictures of Jamie and pictures of her at various premieres, her first fashion show and numerous store openings. She stops at a page containing a picture of her and friends at her Tree Hill opening. The day her dreams came true, or what she thought to be her dreams at the time. She flies through pages of her with Mouth, with Millicent, with Jamie and finally stops at a picture of him on what was to be his wedding day. He looked so handsome. She always had a soft spot for a man in a suit. She remembers how hard that day was for her. She remembers sitting in the church, just another face in the crowd, a painted smile on her face and a heavy heart in her chest. She remembers him pledging his life to the woman standing opposite him and then remembers the relief that washed through her when the bride ran out of the church. Although she had prepared herself to the truth that it would never be her standing opposite him, she wasn't ready for it to be someone else.
The next couple of pages evoke different emotions in her. One page causes her to smile and the other to cry. She looks at pictures of her and Angie, of him and Angie and pictures of all of them together. She remembers the night she came to him, at her wit's end. She had to complete her sketches for a meeting the next morning and Angie just wouldn't stop crying. He invited them in and occupied the baby while she sketched and when she got up to leave he asked them to stay. They ended up spending the night together, on the couch, just like the family she had always dreamed of with him. By the time she reaches the end of the book she is all cried out.
Something white catches her eye and when she reaches for it she realizes what it is. Her breath catches in her throat and she feels like she is suffocating. Her fingers trace the letters forming the words, 'Our Wedding," and she loses it completely. She doesn't bother flipping through these pages because she knows they don't contain anything except the promise of what could have been. She remembers the day she purchased the album. It was six months after they had moved in together. She had a penchant for purchasing things she didn't need at the time. He teased her and called her a pack rat and she had kinked her eyebrow at him and told him that one day the album would be filled with photos. It was after he had gone to Las Vegas with her best friend and had come back and professed his love to her. He had told her that he and her best friend had realized that while they were soul mates in a sense it was she who was his destiny. Peyton was his soul mate in terms of being the same person as he. She would always understand the artistic and broody side of him but his love for Peyton didn't compare to the love he felt for her. He always knew he wanted her standing next to him when all his dreams came true but even more importantly, he wanted her next to him when they came crashing down around him. He needed the strength she gave him. He needed her. She was hesitant to give herself to him. She didn't want to hurt her best friend but Peyton had assured her that she and Lucas were over. She admitted that she was in love with the idea of what they used to be but the truth was that they both had changed and they were not on the same page and if they were being honest, they hadn't been in a long time. She gave them her blessing.
She puts the album aside and remembers that night seven days ago. She had the table set and the candles lit. He was running late and he hadn't called. He usually called if he was going to miss dinner. She picked up the phone and called him. He answered on the second ring and told her that he was on his way. He had to stop off to pick something up. He told her he had a surprise for her, she remembers the excitement in his voice. She begged him to tell her what it is. He told her if he did then it wouldn't be a surprise. She reminded him that she hates surprises and he responded that she'll love this one. They banter back and forth the way only they can when all of a sudden he says her name and a chill runs through her spine. He called her his pretty girl and told her that he loves her and that he always will. She heard the squeal of tires and the sound of metal against metal and then the phone went quiet.
…Spending quiet time alone gives your mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order.
--Susan Taylor
She hates the quiet. Only bad things happen when its quiet.
She didn't cry that night. She didn't wait for the phone call or the knock on the door, she knew what happened. She had walked into this same study and sat at his desk and began writing and today is no different. She stands up and makes her way to the desk. She sits down and looks at the letter that she composed one week ago. She reaches into the desk drawer and pulls out the picture the doctor had given her. She holds it tight against her heart and takes one last look before placing it and the letter in the envelope, a picture he will never get to see and a letter he will never get to read. As she puts the letter in the box with the rest of the eighty-five that they wrote between them, a smile escapes her lips as she places her hand on her stomach. A single tear makes its way down her cheek as she realizes that this is just something else that he will never experience. The feel of their child kicking inside of her. Her hand fingers the necklace around her neck, containing the ring that he had on him that night. The surprise that he was planning to give her. He was right, she would have loved it. She makes her way to the door and takes one last look around the room and regrets never telling him that they were pregnant. She curses herself for waiting for the perfect moment. She should of known that the moment would have been perfect because of her news alone. She turns off the light and shuts the door. She makes her way into the living room and as she turns on the television, the telephone rings, the doorbell dings and the faucet begins to leak.
The quiet is broken.