I'm sorry, guys. But I had to get this off my chest and right now I can't write anything happy. I just can't. I hope this is going to be the only sad story I'm writing. But I love them so much. I needed to do this. It's part of my mourning process. After this I'll just pretend that the crap Shonda put us through never happened and go back to them being happy and doing everything Mark told her they would.

Finally Reunited

"Julia?" The soft voice behind her stopped her in her rush to the hospital room Mark was lying in and she turned around sharply, seeing Derek standing a few feet away, his arm and hand thickly bandaged, his face looking as if he'd aged ten years since she'd seen him the last time.

"Derek! How is he?" Julia asked quietly.

"Julia, he ..." Derek averted his gaze to the ground for a few seconds, gulping hard.

"What?" Julia asked, her heart pumping in her chest and she could only think of one reason why Derek refused to look her in the face. "Oh my god, he died. I thought he was stable. He ..."

"No, he is stable, but ..." Derek said as he looked up again and he suddenly had to lean against the nurse station for support, his legs almost giving out under him.

"Derek, what is it?" Julia asked urgently.

"Physically he is gonna make it, but …" Derek looked directly in her eyes now and he took a deep breath before he continued with a hoarse voice. "A part of him died out there in the woods and he'll never be the same again."

"You mean Lexie." Julia said slowly. She knew that she'd interrupted an important moment between them the other day and she'd asked Callie afterwards if Mark had a history with Lexie. Callie told her that they had been in a relationship but that it was over. She should have known by the looks on both their faces that evening that nothing had been over.

"She was the love of his life, Julia." Derek told her. "I'm sorry. But … I think it's better you just … can you just … I don't think you should go in there. Not now. He ..."

"I understand." Julia replied quietly. "I'll … I'll just go."

"Thank you."

Derek looked after her until she disappeared behind the sliding doors before he took the few steps towards Mark's hospital room and looked through the glass.

"Derek?" Meredith had just rounded the corner, spotting her husband standing in the middle of the floor and her voice became slightly irritated. "You should be lying in a hospital bed right now not walking around."

"Meredith, I just can't ..." Tears welled up in Derek's eyes and he looked at his best friend lying motionless in the bed, his eyes staring to the ceiling. "We lost Lexie and … he is never gonna recover. He never will. I lost my little sister, you lost your sister, but he ..."

"I know, Derek." Meredith replied quietly, laying her hand on Derek's uninjured arm.

"He … she was the love of his life!" Derek said, his voice almost breaking over the last word. "How should he ever be able to live again?"

"I don't know. Taking it day by day?"

"You really believe that time will heal him?" Derek asked hopefully, though he knew that time wouldn't help in this case and Meredith's answer just confirmed what he'd known all along.

"No, Derek. I heard him. He wanted to die out there. He said ..." Meredith wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest, the tears streaming down her face and Derek could hardly make out her next words. "He said that Lexie is waiting for him and that he'll be okay. He wanted to die, Derek. He wanted to follow her. He doesn't want to live without her."

Derek tightened his arm around her, wishing he could take her into a real embrace but with his injured arm that wasn't an option. It was the first time she really cried. Not only over the loss of her sister but also over his best friend who had just lost the love of his life. Derek turned his face into her hair and bit his lip, the sobs that rose up in his chest almost choking him. Two days ago they'd lost Lexie and nothing would ever be the same.

~M&L~

"Did I make a mistake?" Arizona asked quietly, sitting in a wheelchair in front of Mark's room, her leg propped up in front of her.

"Mistake?" Callie replied, furrowing her brows in confusion.

"Telling him to stay?" Arizona said, barely above a whisper.

"No. Sofia needs him. But ..." Callie trailed off, her gaze falling on the figure under the blanket.

"But?"

"But I don't know if we are too selfish because we want him to stay for Sofia. For us." Callie said softly. "I asked myself what I would have done if it had been you who died in the woods and honestly if it wasn't for Sofia I don't know if I wouldn't have wanted to go too."

"But you said the ship has sailed. And sank."

"I know. I wanted him to move on but I can see now that it was futile." Callie spoke, her voice full of emotion. "He's always been in love with her. Julia had never a chance. I thought Lexie was too young for him, that she didn't want the same things as he. But they loved each other. They really loved each other."

"Callie, you didn't see him. You didn't hear him. Honestly, I'm surprised that he made it through the night. He wanted to follow her so badly. I could hear it in his voice that his heart broke all over again the moment he decided to stay. I really hope that I didn't make a mistake."

Callie squeezed her shoulder and Arizona lifted her hand, putting hers over Callie's, wrapping her fingers around hers and they both stood there silently for a few minutes, hoping that he would be able to go on with his life.

~M&L~

He stopped at the entrance, leaning on the stone wall, trying to catch his breath after he'd just climbed up the short hill from the parking lot. His eyes roamed over the rows of grave stones in front of him and he didn't even notice that the tears were streaming down his face.

Three weeks. Three weeks ago his life ended. It ended the moment she took her last breath. He tried to put on a brave face. Tried to convince everyone else that he would be fine eventually. But he wouldn't. She was gone forever. He would never see her eyes again, would never see her smile again, would never be able to listen to one of her ramblings.

Derek knew. He could see it in his eyes. Derek knew that he wouldn't get over her death. That no matter how much time passed he would never forget her, would never forget the last words he'd spoken to her.

He couldn't go to her funeral. He had been way too weak to even leave his bed. But he was here now and he liked it better that way. This way he could talk to her without anyone watching him.

He walked slowly down the rows until he'd found the spot she was buried. He stared over her grave stone into the distance for a few minutes, before he focused his gaze on the grave stone right in front of him.

"Lex, ..." Only saying her name almost made his heart stop and he slumped to the ground, pressing his hand against the grave stone. "How could you leave me behind? I ... I don't know how to live without you. We were supposed to end up together. We were meant to be. You are the love of my life and now you just left and this time forever. Why did you leave me? I love you, Lex. How am I supposed to go on with my life after my heart just got ripped out?"

The sobs wrecked his body and his hand fell to the ground, his finger digging into the earth. His body shook vehemently, pain from his still healing wound shot through him but he couldn't stop. He cried until his throat was all raw, his eyes almost swollen shut and his nose clogged. He slumped against the grave stone, numbness overwhelming him, his eyes staring blankly into the sky.

It must have been hours before the dampness of his pants shook him out of his stupor, a shiver running down his spine. He stood up shakily and looked down at her grave stone, leaning down one more time to trail his fingers over the inscription. The inscription Meredith had asked him about. She'd left the decision up to him.

Alexandra Caroline Grey

July 28, 1985

May 17, 2012

She was the one

who put me back together.

"I love you, Lex." Mark whispered, pressing his fingers against the stone. "I love you so much and I will always love you. My heart is already with you. My body will follow as soon as I can go."

~M&L~

He was back at the Archfield. Back at their room. He didn't know if it had been such a good idea to come here. But twelve months ago he'd lost her forever. It hadn't gotten easier, it almost got worse. He didn't know how he should continue his life.

They all tried. They all tried to make it easier for him, but they knew there was nothing they could really do for him.

He'd decided to come here today. He needed to stop thinking about their last moment together, he needed to stop torturing himself with her blank eyes staring at him. He needed to remember their good times. So he went back to the beginning. His hotel room where she'd demanded from him to teach her.

He felt nearer to her in this room where they'd shared many nights together. Her voice seemed to wave through the air and tears shot into his eyes.

I respect you. As a man, as a surgeon, as a teacher. I respect you. So … teach me.

His breath caught in his throat and he slid down the wall, laying his head on his knees when the memories slammed into him. Every single one of them squeezed his heart painfully, making him gasp for air as he let himself be surrounded by her. As he let the pain rush through him. The pain that was still as fresh as it had been twelve months ago and a strangled sound escaped his throat as the memories of their love ripped his heart out all over again.

~M&L~

"Derek, I need to ask you something. Do you have a minute?" Callie asked softly. It was the day of Lexie's death and even though five years had gone by no one of them had ever forgotten what happened on this horrible day and everyone of them who had been out there in the woods got eerily quiet on this particular day, the grief evident in their eyes. Especially in the eyes of the man who loved her more than anything else in his life.

Derek followed her into an exam room and after Callie had closed the door she turned around and asked without any preamble. "Did he ever visit her grave after this first time?"

"Not that I know of." Derek replied, knowing exactly about whom she was talking about.

"But he always disappears around the day of her death." Callie said quietly. "I never dare to ask, but do you know where he goes?"

"Yes, I know."

"Where?"

"The Archfield." Derek replied with a low voice.

"Isn't he torturing himself more by going to this place?" Callie asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Strangely, it seems to help him. When he comes back, he looks exhausted but also, I don't know how to describe it, maybe at peace with himself? It doesn't last long though."

Callie looked in Derek's eyes and she could see the pain in them. Pain about the loss of his sister-in-law and pain about not being able to help Mark.

"Will we ever see the old Mark again?" Callie whispered barely audible.

"No, Callie." Derek replied quietly, his voice breaking over his next words. "The old Mark died with her in the woods."

~M&L~

Ten years later and he still woke up almost every day, stretching out his hand to touch her, convinced that she was lying right beside him. The dreams about her were always so vivid that he could swear that he could smell her for a few precious seconds after he woke up. She was always by his side. Some days the only thing he wanted to do was turn around and fall asleep again because his dreams were the only place where he could be with her.

He couldn't let her go. He wouldn't even be able to let her go even if he would try. But he'd never tried because he didn't want to try.

He had good days and bad days. He'd thought numerous times how he would end his life if he would ever get to the point where he couldn't bear it any longer to live without her. Using a scalpel would be kind of appropriate for a surgeon but it would be extremely messy. Using sleeping pills would be the easiest way. Slipping into sleep and maybe dreaming about her when he drifted away.

But he couldn't do it. He couldn't take his life and leave Sofia behind. He missed his chance. He couldn't go now. Now after she would remember how he died.

Sometimes he regretted that he didn't let go the night after her death.

He loved his daughter. He loved spending time with her. But the hollow feeling, right where his heart was, had never left him. The love for his daughter couldn't fill the hole her death had left in him. Nothing could.

Sometimes he regretted that he didn't die with her.

In moments like now where her loss pressed on his chest so that he was hardly able to breathe. Later he would take the bottle of sleeping pills in his hands. He would wrap his hand around the plastic packing of the scalpel he always kept in the cabinet. But as always he wouldn't do anything more than that.

Every time he got close to giving in to the almost unbearable desire to follow her, Lexie's face appeared in his mind, a sad smile on her face and she would shake her head, telling him silently that she didn't want him to take his own life.

Every time he saw her face he broke down and cried for hours until pure exhaustion overwhelmed him and he fell asleep on the bathroom floor. The next morning he would wake up, all sore and stiff, barely able to stand up. Facing himself in the mirror after such nights was the worst. His eyes were always still red and puffy. The wrinkles around them etched deeper into his face.

But every time he put his hands beside the sink and let his head drop, he felt a whisper directly beside his ear.

I love you

Even after ten years he could still hear her voice, could still feel her hand at the base of his neck. He knew it was only a figment of his imagination. But it was the only thing that kept him going.

~M&L~

"Why did you break up with him? I thought you loved him?" Arizona asked Sofia after she'd pulled her towards the couch, away from Mark and Callie so that they could have a word in private.

"I did love him but not as much as I should." Sofia said matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean?"

"I want what you and Mom have. I want ..." Her eyes flicked over to her father sitting at the kitchen bar, his hand wrapped around a glass of scotch, a sad smile on his face. Callie had just told him something funny but Sofia had never seen her father smile or laugh without a sadness overshadowing his face. "I want what Dad had."

"You mean ..." Arizona trailed off, even after all this time barely able to say her name.

"He is still in love with her." Sofia said softly. "I'm not a child anymore. I'm seventeen. I know why he never had a girlfriend. He still loves Lexie."

"Yes, he does." Arizona replied, the pain evident in her voice.

"I want that." Sofia stated determined. "I want this love, not a cheap copy of it. I want a love like they obviously shared. She did love him too, didn't she?"

"Yes, she did." Arizona said with a suddenly husky voice. "She loved him more than anything."

"I don't think he even realizes it, but the only times he looks happy for a few seconds is, when he gets this absent look, staring into space. The times when he is obviously thinking about her."

"I know what you mean. You can see how much he misses her."

"I'll wait until I've found a love like this."

~M&L~

"Mom? How is he?" Sofia asked, slightly out of breath, after she'd rushed up the stairs because waiting for the elevator would have cost her precious time.

"Sofia, I'm sorry. He ..." Callie spoke softly and Sofia's eyes widened in shock.

"No, no, no!" Sofia shook her head vehemently. "He can't die. I won't let him."

"Sofia!" Callie grabbed her by her shoulders, shaking her slightly. "Look at me."

"Mom, he can't die." Sofia replied with a quivering voice. "I love him so much. He can't die."

"Sofia, you should understand by now that he stayed here longer than he wanted to. For you. Only because of you."

"But … he can't go."

"You never knew how he was before ..." Callie stopped in mid-sentence. Talking about her still hurt. Even after all those years.

"Before she died?" Sofia asked softly.

"Lexie …." Still, after all this time, Callie's voice quivered when she said her name. Her death had destroyed the man she considered her best friend. "She was the love of his life. I never told you this before but I think it's time."

"Told me what before?" Sofia said curiously.

"You know that Arizona was on this plane too." Callie began and Sofia only nodded her head, seeing in the eyes of her mother that her next words were going to be painful to hear. "He … he wanted to die that day, Sofia. He wanted to follow her. He only stayed because of you. We have to let him go now. He was only a shadow of himself the last twenty years. His body survived the plane crash, but his heart actually died that day with her. She is waiting for him and he wants to go to her. We have to let him go."

Sofia took in a shaky breath, her eyes locked with those of her mother. She knew that her mother was right. She'd seen the sadness that never left him. She knew it would be selfish to want him to stay any longer. He had fought the cancer for six months now, but Sofia always felt as if he'd only done it for her. She knew it was time to let him go, but that didn't make it any easier to say good-bye.

"I know." Sofia whispered, her eyes welling up with tears and she wrapped her arms around her mother, letting herself go for a few moments before she would go into his room.

After a few minutes she stepped back and wiped the tears away, taking in a deep breath before she turned around and walked towards her father's room, opening the door quietly and slipping in.

When she reached the bed, Mark turned his head slowly and gave her a smile that took him obviously more effort than it should.

"Hey kiddo." Mark whispered. "How are you doing?"

"I should be the one asking you how you are doing." Sofia replied softly, her hand searching Mark's.

"I'm okay." Mark stroked with his thumb slowly over the back of her hand.

"No, you are not." Sofia said. "You don't have to spare me. Mom told me and I … I just want to thank you, Dad."

"For what?"

"For being there for me. For not letting me grow up without a father." Sofia told him and Mark furrowed his brows in confusion before it suddenly dawned on him and a surprised look appeared on his face.

"She told you."

"I'm a grown-up now, Dad. I know I'll always be your little girl and I will always love you, but I know how much it had cost you to stay here with us."

"Sofia, I ..." Mark started to explain, not willing to burden his daughter with it.

"No, Dad. I understand." Sofia put a finger on his lips to stop him from talking and a sad smile appeared on his face as he remembered another time where he'd put a finger on someone else's lips to keep her from rambling any further. "I know that you suffered. I saw it every day. And I understand that you have to go. That I have to let you go. You belong to her and …" Sofia gulped hard, trying to keep her emotions in check. "I'm sure she is waiting for you. So … I love you, Dad. Tell her, that I expect her to take care of you now."

"I love you too, Sofia. And I'll tell her." Mark replied quietly before he closed his eyes and almost immediately drifted into sleep.

Sofia stayed right beside him, never leaving his bedside, knowing that it wouldn't take much longer until the end. Sofia's head jerked up when she heard her father whispering something and it took her a few seconds, after she saw the absent look on his face, that she realized that he'd just said the name she'd never heard him say before. He'd never said her name in front of her and the tears pricked at the back of her eyes when she looked down into the pale face of her father.

Sofia loosened her grip around his hand, the tears running down her face as she saw the eyes of her father going blank, a smile appearing on his face and his hand stretched out to something only he could see. Sofia knew he was seeing her and she bit her tongue, trying to suppress the sobs when she saw his face relaxing into a peaceful expression she'd never seen before on his face.

"Lex?" Mark's eyes became soft as his gaze fell onto the one person he'd spent the last twenty years thinking about. He'd been afraid that she wouldn't wait for him, that he would just die and wouldn't see her again. But she was standing right beside his bed, smiling radiantly down at him.

"I knew you would show up eventually." Lexie said, stretching out her hand.

"I missed you so much." Mark replied, his eyes welling up with tears, when they met her deep brown ones.

"I missed you too." Lexie whispered, taking his hand into hers, tugging slightly until he stood up. The moment he stood beside her, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly, her face buried in his chest and Mark leaned his head against her hair, inhaling deeply and a tear slipped out of his eye and trailed down his cheek as he tightened his arms around the only woman he'd ever been in love with.

Lexie had been waiting for him and he was finally reunited with the love of his life.

Is it pathetic to admit that when I started this story Friday night I cried so hard that I almost didn't see what I was typing? The thought that I will never see Mark and Lexie on screen again broke my heart all over again. But I needed this. I needed to reunite them in the Shonda universe. Now I go back to my universe and just pretend that the Shonda universe was a crappy AU they had been living in until Thursday. By the way, I don't believe one word that comes out of Shonda's mouth. Not one.

It's time to let them live in a happy universe where they belong. I will continue ALL my on-going stories (As If They Were Meant To Be, Bad Timing, I Need You and of course We Won't Stop Fighting) and I will write more. That's a promise. Just give me a few more days. I'm not there yet.