A/N: Hello Hello! I'm so happy with all the returns I've in my stories, you can't even imagine! Like I said every single time, it's a great motivation and, also, a great recompense. So, thank you so much to you who always take some time to read what I write and to take the time to let a little (or a bigger one for some people, right ;)) review. You're the best!
Today, I'm back with another one-shot (I don't know what's happening to me, I get more and more pleasure to write, and I actually have a lot of ideas, so let's give it a shot!). In this OS, I'll give you my personal idea of what should have happened in the season finale. So, I hope you'll love it.
Sorry for eventual language mistakes.
Have a good read,
Gaëlle.
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading
From all the things that we are
But are not saying
Can we see beyond the stars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive
The ways I loved you
For all the things that never died
To make it through the night
Love will find you
GABBY'S POV
What do they tell us at the academy? A call, a rescue, a shift can change the course of a lifetime? Today we have been called to a fire in a building. Among the victims found alive, a mother totally drugged and her little boy of three years. He was scared. He didn't come in my arms to get out of here safely. I knew how to tame him and attract him to me as the building threatened to collapse. He clung to me with all his strength and never wanted to let go. Courtesy of Matt, I accompanied him to the hospital, and it was a real tear when a person from social services came to get him.
His mother is in inability to take care of him, so the little Louie will be placed either in a household or in a foster home. I will always remember his face. His frightened eyes. The way he held on to me. I cannot get his face out of my mind. How can some people prefer drugs over their own child? How can we simply decide to abandon a child? Its own flesh?My own child was taken away from me a few months ago without I can do anything about it. This was a real tear, and I still think about this baby every single day. I still think about the life we could have had the three of us, all together in a big house, happy and smiling. Instead, I think back to that date, the date that everything has changed. I cannot get used to the idea of losing a child, of losing my child. I wonder what I did to deserve this. I always wonder if Matt blames me. He said no. He said that it's nobody's fault, it's just fate. I think about when I should have given birth, to the day which I should have been able to take the fruit of our love in my hands.
Sitting on my bed in the bunk-room, I'm lost in my thoughts. I think about the last few months, all these moments of joy, but also the most difficult times. With Matt, we always have ups and downs like any couple, I guess. Matt has addressed again the subject of marriage in the last few weeks, but I must admit that I don't feel ready. I feel so good now, I have never been happier. We work together. We live together. We spend some time together outside of work even if between his political job and my job at Molly's, it's difficult, but, as soon as we can we are glued to each other and I like that. I think we have finally found some balance in our love life and I like the things the way they are now.
« Gabby? » I hear in the distance, like in a dream. « Gabby? You're okay? » I hear again. I look up and I see Matt standing at the foot of my bed, looking at me. He approaches and asks me again: « Are you okay? You seemed to be elsewhere? »
« Yes, yes, I'm good... I was just thinking about the little boy we saved this morning... He lost everything… »
« Yes it's really sad… »
« At the hospital, he called for his blanket... I was wondering if it was possible to go to recuperate it and to give it back to him. What do you think? »
« Gabby… I don't think it's a good idea… We all know it's not good to be involved with victims we meet... "
« I know, I know... But this poor little boy, he... He's got nothing left... And if it can bring him some happiness, you know. » I explained to him, looking into his eyes.
« Okay, Okay .. You know I can't say no to you! You round up everyone and we are going! » He tells me, and I get to my feet immediately.
« Thank you, thank you, thank you! » I quickly kiss him on the cheek.
With the agreement of the Chief, we take the direction of the building which has burned earlier in the day. We quickly find the cover to which the little Louie was obviously very attached. The truck dropped me to the childcare' services. I recognize Kathleen, a woman in her sixties, who came to pick up the boy this morning.
« What can I do for you? "She asks me.
« I don't know if you remember me. I'm a firefighter, I was at the scene of the fire this morning. It was me who got Louie out of the building and went with him to the ER. We met this morning at the hospital. »
«Yes, I remember you, but that was not my question. I asked you what you are doing here? » She asks me with a cold voice.
« Uh... We went back to the apartment that the family occupied and we got the cover Louie demanded this morning. I thought he would be happy to have it with him… » I replied, handing her the object in question.
« That's very nice of you. I'll give it to him. » She tells me, dryly. Seeing that I am not leaving, she asks me: « Can I do anything else for you? »
« I was just wondering how he's doing, and what he will become… »
« I don't think that's any of your business, ma'am… »
« But…»
« There is no but. We will do our job, ma'am. Now if you'll excuse me, I have many children to take care of. Have a good day. » She said before leaving, and leaving me alone in the room. I get out of this short meeting very disturbed. How can such people take care of children in distress? She doesn't even have a heart. She is cold like ice. She is distant. I'm sad. I'm mad. I think of that little boy who didn't ask anything to anyone and overnight finds himself alone and who will be dragged from foster home to foster home, and probably supported by people who don't even care about his well being. I harden myself in silence the whole way back to the firehouse and I feel Matt's intense stare on me.
The next evening
MATT'S POV
I spent most part of the day to do some housework at an old lady's place. Since I was elected Alderman, I have very little time to honor some of my contracts, but I try to help people as much as I can. I returned to the apartment I share with Gabby and Kelly shortly after 9pm. Gabby is sitting on the sofa watching the Blackhawks' game.
« Hey! » I call on, entering the apartment.
« Hey » Gabby answers.
I head to the kitchen. I threw my jacket away on a chair and opens the fridge to get two beers. I smiled looking at the picture of the two of us, taken about two years ago at a Christmas party. « Who wins? » I ask Gabby by opening the bottles. She doesn't answer me, maybe she didn't hear me. I join her in the living room and repeat my question: « So what's the score? »
« What? Uh… I don't really know. I wasn't really paying attention actually… »
« Not following a Blackhawks game! What a shame! » I laugh when I handed her her beer. « Cheers! » I say, joyfully, as our beers collide. I sit down and take a sip of it, while Gabby is playing with the bottle in her hands. She quickly raises the bottle on the coffee table. She changes her position on the sofa before putting the pillow she clutched tightly in her arms, and turns to me.
« So… I have kind of a crazy idea. Yeah… Uh… » she starts speaking and I look at her with a strange smile not really knowing what she's going to say. « Yeah, um… What would you think… About us… Becoming foster parents to Louie? » she finally says. I look at her intensely, not really knowing what to say, for definitely not wasn't expecting this. She looks at me with brilliant eyes and she bites her lips as a sign of nervousness. I try to think cautiously about the words I'm going to use, not wanting her to make conclusions too quickly, or too easily.
« Gabby… » I start speaking, taking her hands, which are on her laps, in mines. « A few weeks ago you said now's not the time for us to get married… In the heat of the moment, it was hard for me to accept it, but, I've understood… I've got my hands full with this alderman work, both of our schedules are crazy and as much as I didn't want to hear it, you were right. We barely have time for each other. How are we going to have time for a child? » She barely looks me in the eyes right now, probably confused or upset with my words, so I lift her chin to force her looking at me and I pursue: « I want to have a family. With you. I want it more than anything. But rushing into it now, with everything else going on… It wouldn't be fair to Louie… Or to us. »
« Yeah. I told you it was a crazy idea, right? » she says, but I tell her « no » with my head. « It's not a crazy idea, I just think it's not the right time. » Suddenly, she gets up, pretending to have to meet Brett at her apartment to help her clean the mess she has left in the room she uses to stay in.
« Gabby… »
« No, it's okay… I'll just sleep there tonight… I'll see you tomorrow… » she mumbles.
« Let me come with you… » I beg her, but she's already at the door.
« It's fine. Good night, Matt! » she says before slamming the door, and I stay here, in the middle of our living room, wondering what has just happened.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late
What about now?
Two days later - The firehouse
MATT'S POV
I haven't heard of Gabby in the past two days. Brett had told me she was at her place to reassure me, but she hasn't called or even texted me. As I walk around the firehouse, I see her. She's looking at the frames on the wall of the corridor while she's finishing getting ready.
« Hey… » I call her.
« Oh, hey! » she tells me back.
« I waited for you yesterday... And the day before... You could have called me or at least given me some sign of life… » I tell her, really touched by her behavior.
« Uh, yeah… I'm sorry… I… I just needed some time for myself… I needed to think about what I'm going to do… »
« Gabby… Please talk to me, don't ignore me or walk away or whatever you're doing… »
« I don't ignore you, Matt. I just want something that you don't, and, uh, it's totally understandable, it doesn't make you less than a man. I don't blame you at all… But, I… I need to do that. I can feel it's the right time for me. You know, after everything that has happened this past year… Maybe it has led me to this little boy…You know… I… I need to do that, for him, for me. I'm sorry if it's not what you want…»
« And, what… What does that means for us? » I ask her with a trembling voice, not believing what is happening. She starts to open her mouth to answer me but she can't find the words to answer my question.
« I… I can't believe it… » I murmur, deflated with exasperation.
« I'm just… I'm sorry… »
« Stop giving me that crap. That's what you always say, Gabby. That you're sorry! » I feel the anger build in me. « Have you thought about me even once in all of this? Did you ever wonder what I might want? I just don't understand you… » I cry out. « You were doubting me after the loss of our baby, I've proved you that all I wanted was you, we were back to a good place, and now, you will… You will just throw everything away? What about us? What about everything we've been through? What about everything we've built together?»
« Guys… » Severide interrupts us. « Maybe you should take this conversation elsewhere… » he advises us as the rings bell.
« Unbelievable… » I mumble as I give her one last look before leaving towards the apparatus floor.
« Matt… » Gabby calls me, but I don't turn around.
The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side
Where love will find you
GABBY'S POV
When we come back from the call, a banal road accident, Connie tells me that my brother is waiting for me in the meeting room. When I enter the so-called room, I see him. He's sitting on the windowsill, his arms crossed on his chest. His foot is hitting the ground. He seems nervous, no, more pissed off.
« Tonio, what are you doing here? » I greet him.
« I just heard some rumors and I need you to clarify some things for me. »
« Okay, I'm listening… »
« Do you really want to foster a child? » he asks me.
« How do you know? Matt has told you? » I ask him back, aggressively.
« So, it's true… » he says, pacing in the room. « Gabby, this is crazy! » he yells, running his hand through his dark hair.
« It's not crazy to want to help someone in need, Antonio, especially a child… » I retort.
« What Matt thinks about all of this? »
« I'm doing this alone… » I answer him.
« What? Why? » he asks me, completely stunned by the news.
« Right now, this is more important than my relationship, Antonio! »
« This is bullshit, Gabby! You can't be serious! Matt is the love of your life, and you know it as well as I do… You've been through a lot in the last few years, and you're still together… It means something! Don't you love him anymore? »
« Of course I love him, you know that… »
« Then, Gabby, don't ruin everything for a little boy you don't even know… »
« Antonio! » I get angry. « I don't need advices, all I need is your support! Look, if… If you can't understand this, you've nothing to do here.»
« I'm sorry Gabby, but, yeah, I don't understand you at all right now… I can't imagine what this little boy is living, trust me, but you can't help or save everyone you meet, Gabby. And, and… »
« And what? Go, give me a piece of your mind! I know you're dying to do it! »
« Gabs… »
« No Gabs right now. Go, tell me what you really think, I'm all ears, Antonio! » I scream.
« I think you… You want to do this for the wrong reasons. I think you've not yet accepted the loss of your baby, Gabby, and that's why you're doing this, as… As a way of grieving ,maybe… Or, a way of replacing the baby you should have right now and you don't… It's not sane, Gabby… » he tells me, as tears are building in my eyes. « I… I just want you to be happy, and you know that… » he says, approaching me to take me in his arms but I resist so he takes a step back. « Just think about it Gabby… Just think about what you really want in life. Fostering a child you barely know or continuing your life, happily, with Matt? Just… Just, don't go off and do something crazy without even considering the consequences on your own life, on your relationship, on your job also… You … You need to think about you first, for once. »
Antonio leaves the room, and I stand alone in the middle of the room trying to understand all the things he has just told me. It's all mixed up in my mind. Matt. Pregnancy. Couple. Louie. Foster system. Family. Baby. Wedding. I'm at war with myself. Everything is running in my head. Tears flow down my cheeks. I'm lost. I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do. And if Matt was right? If it was not the right time for us, for him, for me? And if Antonio was right? If my relation with Matt was more Important? What if I just wasn't digging enough before acting? What if I walked straight without thinking about others feelings ? I'm stopped in my thoughts by some footsteps behind me.
« Gabby? Is everything ok? » I recognize Boden's voice. « I just saw Antonio walking out… He seemed upset.. »
« Honestly, all bets are off… » I sob, not even turning around to face him. « I need to talk to Matt… » I murmur.
« Matt has left, Gabby », he informs me.
« What? What do you mean he has left? » I finally turn around.
« He asked me the permission to leave shift early to go to a political meeting in Springfield with his consultant… » he explains to me as I just burst into tears. « Come here, Gabby… » Boden takes my trembling body in his arms and I let all my emotions go.
I spend the rest of the shift hiding from everyone, trying to think about how messy my life is right now, and to focus on the right thing to do. I make some calls before heading to Boden's office where I know Severide is. I enter without knocking: « Guys, would you help me? »
The next evening
I spent several hours to resolve all I had to do. I filed my papers at headquarters. I went to the store to which I entrusted a mission. I cleaned the apartment. I called social services for having news of Louie. The social worker told me that several families had offered to welcome the little boy and she has assured me that he would be in good hands. Reassured, I take my suitcase and headed towards the train station. I spent the four hour train ride by looking the landscape by the windows, listening the meaning lyrics of "What about now", hoping my plan will work.
MATT'S POV
I'm at a political meeting in Springfield. It's a reunion with all the Alderman of Illinois to exchange about the political line and to talk about our obligations, responsibilities and most important missions. Susan has convinced me to do it, pretending it'd be great for me as I'm new in politics, and also for my popularity. It's always good to have some relations. I try to focus on the event, but my mind is elsewhere. It's in Chicago. I can't stop thinking about Gabby, about our relationship, about the past three years we've shared together and which seem to not matter to her anymore. She's ready to give up on our relationship, like that, from one day to another.
« Here is the key to your suite for two nights! » Susan comes behind me as I was looking at my phone. « Waiting for a call? » she asks, curious, as I turn around to take the key from her hands.
« Honestly, I don't really know… I'd better turn it off!» I murmur, with a look of desperation.
« Matt, I don't know what's going on with you, but let me remind you one thing. You're here as an alderman, and you need to focus on it right away. It's really important for your career. I'll wait for you on the hall of the hotel at 6pm, don't be late. Get some rest! Everyone will observe you, you got to make an impression! » she tells me, and I just roll my eyes. I'm going up to my room.
After a little nap, I take my phone and I go to my favorite contacts. I look at the name "my love" on the screen and I'm ready to call when my phone vibrates. « Allo? » I pick up the call.
« Matt, it's Kelly… Just wanted to check on you… »
« Everything's fine, why? » I'm surprised by his call.
« Couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Gabby yesterday… »
« Oh… Uh, sorry about that. I don't know what to tell you… I don't even know myself what's going on between the two of us right now to be honest… »
« The both of you need to stop hiding behind words you can never find, before it's too late. You need to stop letting things get in your way. There's only one thing mattering: your relationship. No politics, not an unknown child, nothing. You need to talk.»
« I've tried to talk to her, Kelly. I've tried. She doesn't even think about me or about my feelings… I love her, I've always supported her, but in this case, I don't and she doesn't take my opinion into consideration. She's doing her Gabby like she always does, and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to spend my life with her, I really, really do, but I also need to be with someone who cares about me, who cares about what I want, who cares about my thoughts or, at least, listen to them… » I complain, before taking a pause. « How is she? » I can't help but ask.
« You'll be able to see it with your own eyes… » he answers me before hanging up, leaving me speechless and confused. Before I could do anything, someone is knocking at my door. A butler in his uniform is smiling at me. « Sir, here's a letter for you. » he tells me, giving me the envelope and excusing himself. I don't wait for the door to be closed to open the envelope. Inside nothing too extravagant, just a piece of white paper in which is written a number: « 303 ». I don't know what it means. I just don't know how to feel. Nothing comes to my mind. I paced my room, looking for a little sign, even a minimal one, but I don't have a lot of time left, I need to get ready for the meeting. I join Susan in the hotel lobby and we head into the room where the reception is going to take place. We spend the evening discussing with other politicians about very active subjects and we share our different political positions.
After the cocktail, Susan and I go to the bar of the hotel.
« You were amazing tonight… » she tells me.
« Oh, uh, thank you. It's thanks to you actually… » I admit, not really knowing what to say. She stares at me, and quickly approaches her face to mine. She whispers in my ear: « Meet me in my room, » while slipping her napkin on the table. She gets up and leaves me alone at the bar. I drink the rest of my whiskey in one gulp and look at the napkin on which is indicated « 505 ».
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love had never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours
And, then, it hits me. « 303 » is the number of a room. All jostle in my head. My last hours in Chicago. The words exchanged with Gabby. My departure to Springfield. Severide's call. The envelope. The room number. Severide's response when I asked him how Gabby was doing. Then, suddenly, I realize. I run toward the elevators. They are all stuck on the floors. I have no time to lose, so I take the stairs and rises the floors very quickly. I arrive at the door I was looking for, the door with this famous number.
I knock but the door is open between. I enter, I see no one. I walk into the hotel room. The light is dim. Soft music plays in the background. I walk over to a table settled for two people up in the middle of the room. On the table, nothing too extravagant. A white tablecloth. Two plates. Wine glasses. A bottle of rosé. An envelope. The same that was given to me earlier in the day. On the envelope, nothing is written. I decided to sit down and open it.
Inside the envelope is a small white and pink book titled "You know you want to marry Gabby when ...". I strained my eyes, not really understanding what is happening to me. I open this little guide and on every page that scrolls, small affirmations are handwritten with a picture.
You know you want to marry Gabby when…
you miss her when she's not with you
you don't know where you'll be without her
she leaves you some sweet words on the fridge
she thinks you are the hottest lieutenant of the whole world
she tells you all her secrets after having drunk way too much
she sleeps every night on your bare chest and plays with your body blond hair
she's looking at you with eyes full of love and admiration
she prepares you home-cooked meals
she never lets you choose the music in car
she can never wake up in the morning and force you to hang out in bed with her
she loves sharing her breakfast with you
she can't resist kissing you every five seconds
and also when…
she's not taking no for an answer
she acts rashly without considering the consequences
she doesn't pay too much attention to you and your feelings when it's the first thing she should do
she's selfish, but you don't hold that against her because you just want her happiness
when she asks you to marry her and to be her lover for life
On the last page, next to the last statement, there's a pink paper folded in four and a white silk pouch. I recognize the pink paper as transfer papers. I open the sheets and see that Gabby has asked to be moved back to the ambulance and reintegrate or PIC grade. I feel eyes building in my eyes. I put the papers on the table while I take the little pouch in my hands. I start to open it delicately when Gabby appears in front of me. She's wearing her little black dress. The dress she was wearing the night I've showed up at her doors. The night where we shared our first kiss. The first night we spend together finally letting our feelings and our mutual attraction speak for us. The night where it all started.
« Open it… » she says with a very soft voice. I execute. Inside, two rings are interlinked. The first one is the engagement ring I've given to Gabby two years ago at the Fire Academy when I asked her to marry me. The second one is a man's ring. A slim silver wedding band in which is graved « M&G always ». I raise the head and look at her. « Are you serious? » is the only thing I'm able to say.
« Matt… I know I have not always been the ideal partner. I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I know I don't always appreciate you to your true value. I know I've wasted a lot of things between us. But if I am sure of one thing, of only one thing, it's that I love you more than anything and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're completely it for me and I can't let you get away. Whether I can not be a firefighter. No matter if we don't have kids right away. I don't care, I just want you, Matt. I want to marry you. I want to be your wife…I…I… » she says, but I don't let her finish. I capture her lips with mine in a passionate kiss. « I'm so sorry, Matt, for everything, for the way I acted, for my behavior… I… » she sobs against my lips.
« Shhhh » I told her, putting a finger on her lips.
GABBY'S POV
I realize how lucky I'm when the man of my life kisses me like nothing has happened before. Like he doesn't seem to blame me for my behavior of the past week, even if I've made him feel like he didn't count for me, like I didn't care about him. Forehead against forehead, I caress his neck and play with the little hair I find there. We look at each other deeply. It feels like we're alone in this world. I take the rings from his hand, before taking his left one and put the ring on it, murmuring « I love you ». He then takes my engagement ring and do the same, telling me those three perfect little words. « Everything is arranged with Boden and the headquarters. We can get married when we want, I'll take my PIC spot back. It's the best for me, it's the best for us. We need to move forwards, together. »
« Together, we can do anything, Gabs. »
« I know… »
« And, I promise you that one day we'll have our perfect little family. I want nothing more in life than to have you as my wife and to have a family of our own, but we need to enjoy the present moment, and take the time to live. »
« I know I should've listened to you when you told me it wasn't good to get close to the people we help… I think I rushed into it, and not for the good reasons… I'm sorry that i'm so complicated and mess everything up every time…» I admit to him as we sit in the little sofa.
« Can I ask you something? » he asks me, I nod. « What, uh, what made you change your mind? »
« Antonio… » I look at him, and he gives me a big smile.
« Who knew the brother in law will stand up for me! » he laughs.
« You know he really likes you, Matt… » I take his hand, playing with the silver band on his finger. « He made me realize that I've always wanted you, and that despite all we have been through the last few years, we're still strong and more in love than ever, and that I had not right to give up all of this because of a crazy idea who came in my mind in twenty seconds… And, uh, he was right. I can't live without you. You've sacrificed a lot for me and I need to consider you more, as well as your feelings.»
« I love you, Gabby. I love you to the moon and back, and nothing will ever change that. We're going to face the future together, hand in hand. » he leans over me to kiss me, before repeating: « TOGETHER! ».
« Together is my favorite place to be, » I kiss him before getting on my feet and pour the two glasses with rosé. I give Matt his own glass, and propose a toast: « It's true, we don't have it as easy as ordinary couples. But, what we have, this is no ordinary love. »
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love had never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love had never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
A/N: There was my idea of the season 4 finale. Like i've said this week on twitter I'm not the biggest fan of this whole Louie's storyline, so I've tried this. i hope you liked it. Don't forget to tell me what you've thought in the reviews. Thanks fo the people on twitter who are encouraged me to post it.
The lyrics are from "Westlife - What about now". I'm addicted to this song which makes me think about complicated relationships, where two people deeply love each other.
Love, G.