Title: The Journal
Author: fehrbehrbaby
Disclaimer: I do not own Roswell or any of the characters in it though I would gladly borrow Michael any day of the week. Cant promise I'll return him though!
Rating: M, for future content
Couples: Michael and Maria
Summary: Set straight after graduation. Maria writes a journal.
Author's Notes: Reviews are welcome, they make me smile :-) plus they keep me writing more chapters.
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Christmas 2002
We stopped at a cheap motel Christmas Eve in preparation for a 'slap up meal' on Christmas Day. The 'slap up meal' turned out to be a burger and chips at the $5 buffet cart, but I wouldn't swap this Christmas for any other. I'd bought you copies of the Metallica CDs you'd left behind and you'd bought me this beautiful journal and a silver charm bracelet which you've promised to buy me a charm for, for the rest of your life – you don't know that bit yet though.
Anyways, we left the day after Christmas. We can't stop in one place for too long in case we get spotted. It's not that bad being on the road…so long as I have you and Liz. I thought I would hate it, I mean travelling in a van for the rest of my life with nowhere to plug in my straightners or no door to slam when I'm angry at you sounded like hell, but its really not that bad.
Max is driving and Liz is resting her head on his shoulder, I watch how he gently places a kiss atop her head when he thinks no one is looking. Isabel and Kyle are both asleep and you're being your usual self and trying everything to get my attention. You have no tact, spaceboy! We're in a van jam packed with people and you're still trying to get into my pants!
January 2003
It's been little under a month since I wrote here. Kyle and Max had a very heated argument over whether Kyle could contact his dad. Apparently, Isabel dream walked the Sheriff and found that he wasn't holding out too well. Max refused Kyle's pleas to call to check on him…we haven't seen Kyle for two weeks.
We were staying at the Pine Tree lodge somewhere in Nebraska, Kyle bunked in with Isabel for the night but in the morning he was gone leaving only a note. He said he was tired of running, tired of following orders. I understood what he meant.
Liz and me begged Max to turn round to find him, but he wouldn't. He said it was better that way, if Kyle needed to leave then he needed to leave. I think Max was secretly upset and felt extremely guilty, if it wasn't for him; there'd be six people in this van tonight instead of five.
February 2003
Liz is driving and I'm sat next to her, we've been talking non stop for the last two hours and I know if I could hear you from all the way up front you'd be telling me to shut up! I check in the rear view mirror, you're playing checkers with Max. I think he's winning!
You look up at me and smile that awkward smile you seem so accustomed to. I know you cant do anything about our situation, I'm not asking you to. I just wish we were somewhere other than where we are. We haven't seen a motel room in a week, we're tired, bored and you can sense the tension in the air, still. It's been a month since Kyle left and I don't think Max and Liz are holding up too well, Liz constantly blaming Max for Kyle's disappearance.
I think Isabel's hurting the most. Her and Kyle seemed to get on so well over the last few months. First Jesse left, now Kyle…I think she's secretly waiting for the other two men in her life to up and leave. I notice how alone she feels, watching you and me bicker, then make up, bicker then make up again. Watching Liz and Max try to rekindle something they seem to have lost in the last few weeks.
I hope Kyle is ok.
March 2003
We're just about to come up to the Iowa – Illinois border. We managed to wangle a separate double room last night after weeks of arguing over it with Liz and Max. Money's getting tighter, but I don't think any of us could cope with another night where all five of us are crammed into such a small space. We had some alone time for the first time in so long I swear I almost forgot how to be with you again.
It was so amazing waking up next to you this morning, being able to hold you the way we used to back home in Roswell, without fear of anyone walking in on us. You're getting tired I can tell, in fact you're really starting to worry me. I felt you leave the bed in the middle of the night and spotted you standing guard by the window. I've gotten used to running for my life now Michael, I feel sometimes that if its going to happen, then its going to happen, there is little we can do about anything anymore.
You're smiling at me again, that smirk that means you're remembering something, probably from last night if I could hazard a guess. You win me over every time Guerin.
April 2003
You saw something last night, you're holding off telling the others until we can figure it out. I don't understand what is happening to me…to us. When we were first dating I used to get these vibes of energy, tingling sensations coursed throughout my body whenever we touched. These feelings are different now though. They hurt Michael.
Max has noticed something very odd, how we're not being our usual selves anymore. You're building back those stonewalls; cant wait to tell me you told me so. You're hurting me Michael, something you always knew deep down you would do. I don't blame you though; these feelings make me remember I'm still alive.
May 2003
We figured out why these feelings hurt so much and then you fixed it…just like that. I'm scared though Michael more scared than I thought I would ever be in this situation. We still haven't told anybody about this, but at least we resemble something of normality. We've barely spoken to anyone else this last couple of weeks, fearing we may let slip our secret.
You've told me you're unsure what the rest of them would say, you've told me that although this is one of the best things in the world that could've happened to you, its also come at the worst possible time.
The feelings of hurt weren't because you were hurting me, but the fact that the small being growing inside of me was wary of you. She was just trying to protect me it was her defence mechanism. You can see that now cant you?
June 2003
It's been two weeks since we left them in the Highway motel in Kentucky. We're heading west now towards Missouri. I'm not entirely sure where you're taking me but I would suggest we start heading north soon, we're being dragged way too close to home and it wont be safe.
We left them a small note, just like Kyle. We still didn't tell them about the baby, we knew they'd follow us and make us stay with them. You're frightened though, I can tell. You say it would be only a matter of time before the baby would lead them to us, to all of us.
We've sacrificed our security Michael, our safety…to go on the run on our own.
I'm as big as a house right now. I think its safe to say we won't be expecting a nine-month pregnancy. I don't know what we're going to do when the time actually comes, but I'm with you and I suppose that's the best it's going to get. Don't get me wrong; I know you'll look after us, but now more than ever am I frightened that something will come to take you away from me…from us.
July 2003
We've stopped in a motel for the night, you wont allow me to drive and you've been driving non-stop for the last week and a half. Everything we had you've thrown away so not to tie us back to the rest of them. Cell phones have gone, bank accounts cleaned out, I'm wondering what the hell is next.
You're lying on your side facing me with your hand slightly rubbing my swelling tummy. She lets you hold me now, lets you see her. I'm glad for that at least, I don't think I could cope with anymore of her defence tactics. She's finally let you in, learnt to trust you, to get to know you and the fact you'll be staying around.
She needs you now Michael, more than anything, cos I cant give her the energy she needs on my own to keep her growing. You said you get flashes from her, I told you not to be so ridiculous, that you couldn't possibly get flashes from something so tiny, so wrapped up inside of me.
You proved you weren't lying.
We were in a park, she was sat on a swing and you were pushing her. The sun was shining so brightly I could feel its warmth on my cheek even in that dingy motel room. You were laughing, she was giggling demanding to go higher. Not too high I hope, I don't want her to ever leave to go to Antar.
August 2003
I don't know how you managed it, but I'm so glad you did. Kyle has been such a saint these last couple of days. He just showed up one day, saying he thought he'd drop by. You joked and told me you didn't have a clue, but I know you spaceboy, I know you.
You've just gone out to get some groceries and a new crib for the baby. We've been living in this small apartment in Topeka, Kansas for the last three weeks. I've managed to develop my 'mind block' all by myself now. That's how we've managed to keep Max and the others away, you're sure Isabel tried to dreamwalk you once but your dream self kicked ass and told her where to go.
Kyle's dad is fine, misses us all but he's fine. I'm glad for that, I don't know how I'd cope knowing our only link to keeping bad ass FBI agents from torturing our parents were to disappear from our lives altogether.
Kyle's thinking of sticking around, he even went so far as to check whether there were any apartments for rent in the same block as us. Its so nice to have him around, don't get me wrong I love my time with you I wouldn't wish it to be anyone else, but I miss my friends. He's the only real link I have back to Liz, I would be devastated if he upped and left again.
September 2003
Molly Deluca-Guerin was born at 5.03am Thursday August 21st on the living room floor of apartment 16a Tribeca Apartments Topeka. In attendance were Dad and Uncle Kyle, apologies to Aunty Liz, Uncle Max and Aunty Isabel.
You haven't left her alone all this time, you're constantly picking her up and putting her down again just to test that she's real, I think. You say she looks just like me, but I can tell that baby girl has the dark brown eyes that can melt anything and anyone. You're so proud you tell me that 10 times a day, I swear one more time and I will throw this goddamn journal at your head.
You've got a job, well done you! You're working at the local art gallery for a very peculiar artist but I'm certainly not complaining when you bring home the paycheck. Kyle's taken to living three doors down, but he may as well live here the amount of times he's round. He works at a local mechanics, one day he says, he's going to be his own boss and have the best-darned car mechanics in this city.
Molly and me just laugh, though his dream isn't that far away from yours. I see you eyeing up every opportunity to open your own studio, and one-day babe you will, I just know it.
November 2003
Well, it's been a year since I started writing and nearly 2 months since I last wrote in this thing. Molly has been keeping us extremely occupied so I just haven't had the chance. Kyle's moved in with us now so that we can pool all the money together rather than share it between two apartments. I think he's regretting it already, what with Molly screaming the place down and our constant bickering.
We're not that bad, well not nearly as bad as we used to be, but the snapping and the spatting keeps us on our toes, it reminds us of the people we used to be but it also reminds us of the people we're missing.