Fuck You, I'm Cupid
In which Clint swears and puts his bow and arrow to better use on Valentine's Day.
Pre-story note: This is kind of AU, in the sense that Clint is Cupid, or at least has a pair of wings and enchanted arrows. So, yeah. I just REALLY wanted to write swearing Clint in a diaper. And I'm sorry about all the swears. I don't usually write any swears! .
Another Note: So my friend wrote this, but she didn't want to post it. So I decided that I should. ENJOY!
Natasha was more than happy to oblige when Clint asked her a favor, but she had no idea what she was getting herself into. Already, seeing the stares shot her way by the other SHEILD agents was enough to make her crawl in a hole and die. The fact that Clint was flying behind her wearing nothing but an ill fitting diaper and a quiver of arrows on his back could justify any thoughts of suicide. Her face nearly matched the fiery red color of her hair as she walked down the hall, trying to keep her eyes on the clipboard in front of her. However, the bewildered stares of every person they walked by was hard to ignore.
"Right... so, it looks like the first couple we have on here is Tony and Pepper," Natasha read from the clipboard. She heard Clint scoff behind her. "What?"
"Tony and Pepper? What good is that? Everyone knows that Tony and Steve have been flirting since they met," Clint answered, twisting an arrow with a heart shaped point on the end in his hands. Natasha raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Oh, come on. Don't admit you haven't seen it."
"Clint, you've got a checklist. You told me to-"
"Fuck the checklist, I'm Cupid," Clint said and flew ahead. Natasha sighed and rolled her eyes, hurrying behind the speeding man, who was now yelling. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, STARK?"
"Can you not scream across the whole building?" Natasha begged. "We've attracted too much attention as it is. You don't know how unnerving it is to see a grown man flying around in a diaper, screaming."
"Yeah, well I'm trying to find Stark. So they can all shove it up their- Oh look, there's Rogers," he said, flying over to the Captain before Natasha could scold him again. Natasha scrambled over to where Clint had already flown to, her being slower because she didn't have a pair of feathery wings. And because she was in heels.
When she approached, she found Steve wearing a bewildered look on his face, and trying to look anywhere but the diaper. "Barton, what on earth-?"
"Where's Stark?" Clint asked. Steve's face didn't change as he looked toward Natasha, who halfheartedly smiled.
"Uh, do you know where Tony is?" she asked, not acknowledging Clint.
"I... um, I think he's in the lab with Bruce," Steve finally managed. "But why-?"
"No questions, come with us," Clint said and began to fly off. Steve looked at Natasha with his large, confused eyes.
"It's best to listen to him," Natasha advised, clicking her pen in and out.
"Wait, Barton! Can you explain-"
"Fuck you, I'm Cupid!" Clint yelled back. "Now get your ass down here! That goes for you too, Romanoff!"
Natasha huffed and began to follow Clint again. Although he was shocked still for a moment, Steve eventually (and somewhat hesitantly) began to follow. Ignoring the shocked and horrified looks of every single agent, Natasha hurried along to the lab with a very confused Steve behind her.
"Clint, can you slow down for those of us who can't sprout wings?" she called out. Clint turned around and sighed exasperatedly.
"Well, hurry the fuck up. I have a job to do," he said, impatiently floating in midair. If it was anyone besides Clint, Natasha would've killed him minutes ago.
Eventually, the odd party arrived at the lab. Natasha peered inside, seeing Tony laughing and Bruce fanning a fire with wide eyes. Quickly, she burst into the lab. "What did you do?" she asked.
Tony just laughed and shrugged. "I don't know, but it caught fire!"
Bruce glared at him. "It wasn't supposed to catch fire.
"Yeah, but it did," Tony pointed out. "That's a lot more fun than just some boring color change."
Bruce finally got the fire to die down, leaving the experiment in a mess. He sighed, but didn't get too angry with Tony. It wasn't the first time he'd drastically screwed up an experiment, and it certainly wasn't the worst that had happened. It was a lot better than the bacteria that fed on flesh from last week, anyway. He took off his glasses and turned to Natasha with a smile, about to greet her until he saw what was behind her.
"What's with the angel costume, Barton?" Tony asked, looking from him to Natasha, and finally to Steve behind them, who looked as bewildered as Bruce. "Playing Legolas wasn't enough for you?"
"It's Cupid," Clint said proudly.
Tony scoffed. "I've seen a lot of idiots dress up on Valentine's day, but this is the most disturbing one I've seen yet. What, did you lose a bet with Natasha?"
Clint just frowned and pulled an arrow from his quiver, aiming it straight for Tony. Natasha was worried for the first time. Were these arrows lethal? She didn't want to be be aiding the world's worst dressed serial killer. Clint let the arrow fly, and it hit Tony in the chest, just missing his arc reactor. His smile faded and he let out an 'oof'.
"Tony! Are you alright?" Steve reacted suddenly, running up to the man who was struggling with his footing. Clint smugly smiled, turning to Natasha.
"Told you so," he said, then grabbed another heart-tipped arrow and let one fly straight at Steve's butt. Natasha cringed as Steve let out a shocked yelp. However, a few seconds later, the two seemed to be alright. She was surprised (and somewhat revolted) that the two seemed to only have eyes for the other.
"Uh... Tony," Steve said. "If you're not busy... would you like to get a coffee?"
"I don't think I'd like anything more, Capsicle," Tony answered, but he said the nickname in an almost fond way. Natasha wasn't sure whether to retch or to support Clint's decision. The two walked out of the lab, grabbing hold of each other's hands as they turned the corner and left sight.
"Well, I'll never look at either of them the same ever again," Natasha mumbled. "Pepper's going to be devastated." True to her word, Pepper came storming down the hall and flung to door of the lab open.
"What the hell is going on with Tony?" she demanded. She set eyes on Clint and shook her head, horrified. "And what are you doing in a diaper?"
"I'm Cupid," Clint said. "I make all the bitches fall in love."
"You made Tony and Steve fall in love?" Pepper asked, exasperated.
"They were already in love, Pepper. I just helped them." He grinned at her. "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pepper, unsure what to do or say, turned to Natasha for help. She only shrugged at her fellow ginger, unable to find words either. Finally, she just turned and stormed back out of the lab, most likely to go find Tony and slap him.
"Uh... anyways," Natasha said, shaking her head and looking down at the clipboard. "It looks like we have Thor up next, with Jane."
Clint frowned. "That's boring," he complained. "Why don't we change it up? I think if we could find Loki-"
"No," Natasha said firmly. "I let you get away with one slip-up from the checklist, and you're not getting another one. Besides... they're brothers..."
Clint shrugged. "Adopted brothers."
"Still," Natasha huffed. "I don't think Jane could handle Thor being with someone else. Pepper's been through enough crap to not jump off a bridge."
Clint didn't look happy, but began flying out of the lab. "Fine. We'll find them next." He flew out and turned left with Natasha hurrying after. None of them looked back at poor Bruce, who hadn't moved or said anything since Tony and Steve left the lab. With a quiet, sad voice, all he said was, "Science bro?"
In SHIELD's hallways, the Cupid and his assistant located Thor and Jane after a few minute's time. "Well, it looks like our job's already been done," Natasha said with a slightly disgusted tone. Thor has already pushed Jane up against the wall and was basically eating her face. "The two couldn't have gotten a room, could they?"
Clint frowned, seeing that if he gave either of them an arrow, they'd need to have a room. "Whatever. They're done. Who's next?"
"Um, it looks like-" she began, but he interrupted.
"Wait, I just got an idea," he said. "Who's that one friend of Jane's? What was it... Darcy, right? Where's she at?"
"Darcy?" Natasha asked. "What do you want with her?"
"I'm going to stick her with Loki," he grinned, flying off. Natasha looked down at the checklist, seeing that those two were next on the list anyway. She raised an eyebrow, running after Clint.
"That's doesn't even make sense," she complained. "Have the two of them even met?"
"I'm Cupid, not fucking Einstein. I don't know everything," Clint said and rounded the corner, where he found Darcy with her earbuds in and the volume turned all the way up. Clint took the liberty of pulling one out to speak to her. She reared up like a startled horse.
"What the hell?" she hissed. "You can't sneak up on a girl like that!"
"Pack up your music, Lewis, you're coming with me," he said and continued flying onwards. The girl, who Natasha supposed was most likely in her mid-twenties, looked at her with a questioning facial expression. Natasha sighed.
"Just come with us," she said and led the girl through the hall. "It's best to humor him."
Darcy was full of questions (which were mostly variants of "Where are you taking me?", "Why are you taking me?", and "What the hell is he wearing?"), to which Natasha only said to wait and see. She couldn't help but not feel pity for the girl. Sure, Clint was sticking an arrow into her and a matching one to Loki, the god of mischief who had tried to take over the world, or at least Manhattan. But she felt like this girl's irritating and never ending questioning would test the patience of even big hearted Steve. No doubt this girl was more than enough to punish Loki.
Soon enough, they arrived at the cell where Loki was being kept under surveillance. Darcy looked a little more pleased. "Oh, are you taking me to Loki? Cool," she said nonchalantly. Natasha turned to her.
"Cool?"
"Yeah. Sure, Loki's some big badass god to you guys, but I've met him before. We went bowling. Guy's got one hell of an arm," she said. "If he was as good at taking over the world as he was at bowling, we'd all be screwed."
Natasha was a little taken aback, but before she could ask Darcy when in the world she found the time to bowl with the god of mischief and why she'd hadn't thought of telling SHEILD, Clint had the door to Loki's cell open. Darcy walked right on in, and Loki looked up with some surprise. "Hey, bowling buddy. Remember me?"
"Darcy Lewis..." he said slowly. "Should I question why my cell is being invaded?"
"Shut up," Clint said, pulling his bowstring back and firing first at Darcy, then at Loki. "Happy Valentine's Day, motherfuckers. Have a nice day." With that, he slammed the door closed and turned to Natasha. "Who's next?"
Still stunned from how quickly he'd shut the two up, Natasha took a moment before she finally peeked back at the checklist. "Uh... let's see, it's-" she stopped dead in her words, staring at the checklist with wide eyes. Her cheeks began burning crimson again. "It's... me."
Clint raised an eyebrow curiously. "Who're you with?"
"Uh..." Natasha hesitated. "Well, it says... you," she coughed nervously.
Clint's eyes grew wide, though he seemed to be pleasantly shocked. "Oh. So, do you need an arrow or not?"
"What?"
"Do you need an arrow, or not?" he repeated, floating down to the ground. Natasha could only blink is disbelief, her face red and her heart leaping a bit. How Clint or whoever made this checklist knew about her very secret feelings towards him, she had no idea. She'd never told anyone, and had certainly never told Clint.
"I-" she tried, but finally seeing that this might be a good chance, she walked up to the man in a diaper and kissed him.
Clint was only shocked for a moment, until he realized that he wouldn't have to waste an arrow on her, and that there was a gorgeous woman attempting to suck on his face. So he only grinned and upheld his own role in the kiss.
Eventually, the two broke it off, with Natasha still slightly red and wearing a sheepish grin. "Well... we've got that checked off."
Clint cleared his throat. "Ah... yes. That would seem to be done with."
"Done with?" Natasha asked.
"Well, we've got a job to do, but I wouldn't mind if we continued that task later," Clint said with a smirk.
"That sounds... nice. Although maybe you could put some pants on. I didn't expect to spend my Valentine's Day kissing a man in a diaper," she said, grinning.
"Alright, who's up next?" Clint asked, rising up again from the ground.
Natasha had to wait for the words to stop moving across the page so she could read them. "Um, it looks like we've got Nick Fury and a lady named Pamela."
Clint frowned. "Screw that. I'm going to have him make out with a fucking dog."
With that, Clint sped off to go find an unsuspecting Nick Fury and probably a pit bull. Natasha had to will her legs to move, but smiled as she hurried on, almost beginning to enjoy their little task. Her lips were still quivering a little, and she couldn't help but admire the half-naked man screaming, swearing, and flying around SHIELD's halls.
Post-story note: Alright, so Pamela Hawley was his love interest until she died in WWII. I just needed a name, and that fit.
Also, I'm not an avid Tony/Steve fan, but this was too funny to pass up. I actually really like Pepperony (Tony/Pepper has the best pairing name ever). Thor/Jane is, as always, adorable, and Loki/Darcy is my guilty pleasure. Obviously I sail the Clint/Natasha ship. Duh.